I love the comment about the dog tilting its head. It is so true. My Ex WW does this sometimes after I inject her with a little verbal truth serum. Makes her madder than hades, the truth.

Don't feel sorry for her. I instead feel sorry for our children, broken dreams, and much more. I feel more Pity than anything for my Ex WW and the path she's chosen.

I guess pity is a better word.

Over the past couple weeks I've done some research on my own.

I realize that my wife truly exhibits the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disordery (NPD). I've also read about spouses of those with NPD.

After reading what I can get my hands on, alot has risen to the surface. I now consider it a blessing that she instigated this divorce because I never would have! Once I let go, I was able to realize how damaging her presence is in my life and the lives of our children. Two things that come to mind are:

1. The only answer for me is to turn, run, and not look back. Unfortunately, it's not going to be TOTALLY that way since we have kids... but something tells me her presence in our lives will be limited, even on "schduled visiting days".

2. She is "incurable". In order for it to have worked, both parties need to be open to change. A person with NPD just simply doesn't believe they should change anything and will justify ALL their actions, no matter how hurtful.

I'd like to state that I'm NOT anti-marriage. I consider marriage and family the foundation for our society.

However, that being said, sometimes you need to step back and really consider who you're married to. It's not an easy thing since most of us have huge emotional investments in the our spouses.

The most interesting finding in my research of NPD was what I learned about myself.

I've been given a second chance and I'm grateful for that. The fact that my children really aren't going to experience a nurturing mother in their life is sad to me, but life's not always fair, and I like to think I make up it 10 times over.

Again, thanks to all on this site for sharing their time and thoughts through this process.

I'm writing up the divorce settlement this weekend and sending it to my attorney next week.

As usual, I'll post anything interesting.

walt,

Just wanted to say hi.

Sounds like you have what you need.

I know at this site the BS is challenged to find their part in the mess. Sometimes there is nothing the BS can do.

I know in my case i was a co dependant, enabler with conflict avoidence issues. So my part was really giving without receiving and not standing up for myself.

When I did it got bad around here but with help my FWW has seen that she was a huge part in it. We are starting to heal.

If your WW can't see her part you won't recover and you are doing the right thing.

Drafted the settlement last night to the sound of Christmas Carols. Kind of funny.

I continue to learn about my wife's personality and judgment... as well as myself.

Truly life changing. I never thought I'd walk away from this experience having grown so much in such a short time.

I love God, my children, and myself as I should.

My advice to those getting started in this trek...

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Pray often.
3. Repeat.

WaltW,

Do you remember when you first came here? I believe that you were told that no matter how this turned out, you could be a success...this stuff works.

Here is the cool thing. You will never regret giving your marriage you all, and therefore you won't have to second guess yourself when/if this marriage ends. You have indeed grown. (Isn't that weird given how much you have lost? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Good to hear from you, and keep us updated.

God Bless,

JL

WaltW:

Good to hear from you.

With time comes clarity.

Be strong for your kids.

LG

Had a bit of a blowout last night. I had to work late, she knew it and ended up going "Christmas shopping" and not getting home until 10:45PM leaving the kids alone for several hours.

I'm going to discuss the possibility of her leaving earlier than we had previously discussed.

Seems like when it's going well (not our marriage, but our current arrangement), she does things to force an argument. Truly amazing. Then she'll blame me for getting divorced on "my terms" after she asked me to write up a settlement proposal. I don't get it.

Not fair to me or the kids. I'm starting to realize that i'm going to have to swallow the financial hit in exchange for peace of mind. Sucks that she can't be a little more mature.

All classic behaviors of NPD.

The wife flipped a rental car last night. I picked her up and could smell the booze and her speech was slurred.

She's a nurse and didn't get a ticket of any kind. Thank goodness in one way... too bad in another.

What a pathetic path to be following.

Walt, I have hesitated to respond to your situation for fear of being completely off-base, but I don't think your WW wants a divorce. I think she is terribly unhappty because she feels that she has screwed up the marriage beyond repair, and that you could never forgive her or trust her. She sees divorce as the only way out

Would this be a good time for both of you to just sit down and have good heart to heart? Of course, you may also have concluded that this whole sitch is beyond repair, as well.

bd49, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I think my wife doesn't always know what she wants, etc. However, I want and need to get out of this destructive relationship. I've had alot of time to really consider this relationship, her behavior, and its effect on me and my children.

She truly is a lost soul. I've done some research and had some discussions with qualified people regarding her behavior. She clearly exhibits Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Both of which I cannot tolerate anymore. I've never felt more mentally healthy in my whole life.

She's simply a liability to me and my family at this point. She wasn't always this way or this bad, but over time (which is common with these disorders), she has spun out of control and it is likely that she will never recover.

I swear the one day she talked about being emotional when out with friends, she muttered something, then when I asked what she said she refused to tell me. I think she said "it's too late now anyway" or something like that. Well, she's right... it is too late.

I'm really not bitter though. I just wish she didn't damage us financially like she did, but I also have had the great feeling of peace regarding MONEY. Quite frankly, it's taken a distant back seat to my piece of mind and a happy environment for my kids. Not that it was more important before, but I always felt that financial security is a big part of piece and happiness. But it's not what you make... IT'S WHAT YOU SPEND that is key. Am I making sense?

Anyway, it is clear my wife wants to continue to have her cake and eat it too. She even asks me for spending money STILL instead of just going to the mac. She also mentioned that her car needed an oil change. I told her "ok, go get one". Maybe she's appreciating me a bit more these days... maybe not. Either way, too late.

Better days are ahead for sure.

There is a certain peace of mind when you finally decide on a course of action, isn't there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong Walt.

Oh, yes there is.

Now she's saying a deer ran out, she wasn't drunk, etc., etc.

She told my daughter that she's "not ready to move out yet". And she wasn't talking about money.

True cake eater.

What has really been the piece of mind is not caring as much about the money. I was very focused on minimizing my financial impact. It's just not worth it as many of you tried to illustrate to me. I've now told her we have to talk about her getting out sooner. She says "I don't want to take the money out"... but now I realize, she's thinks she's so entitled that she wants to stay, date other men, have a place to come back to that's maintained by me, go out without telling me where, and have absolutely no consequences for her actions.

Oh, and I found out she's still seeing the last guy. I think he may have had something to do with getting her out of a DUI, but can't confirm it.

Loser.

Walt:

She rolled a rental car? What are the financial ramifications of that?

And then she got out of the DUI Charge? Your right. She is cake eating and enjoying the ride.

This could have been a literal "Crash and Burn" moment. But it wasn't. But the true ramifications are still to come. The rental company, if it's one of the majors, will scan the "chip" in the car and if she was speeding, can deny a claim. Something to look out for.

I think you need to get her out. It's time. Does she have regrets? Well, Duh! When you get to do all the things you just described, and you pull out the supports, there is going to regrets. Because she realizes what she is loosing. Not what she is gaining.

Enjoy the Holidays for your kids, because she will do something else to not make them happy.

LG

Thanks, LG.

I'm doing my best to get her out more quickly. Turns out, our insurance is covering the loss, and Amex (since we put the car on Amex) has coverage that covers our deductible. Something I always see as a promotion but never thought about. Of course, she skates by again.

I'm waiting to hear back from the attorney. You're right. It's time for her to leave. I'm prepared to "suffer" financially, but like I said, maybe this is a character building experience as well. I hate money at this point. I just want to have enough to provide for my family. Maybe this is my form of "rock bottom" to some degree... if it weren't for the extravagant life of a second home and all that goes along with it, it would likely be almost over by now.

I hope the place sells soon... but either way, we have to start executing the exit strategy for her departure.

The ultimate cake eater...

Regrets? I think she's starting to have them. The look on her face last night was a familiar one to me from her. I just turned and politely asked her to go away. She actually had the nerve to say "what's the matter?" DUH!!! You're still here! That's really all that's the matter at this point!

Ahhh... I love Christmas time. (I really do.) Talk about a gift in disguise!

Walt, I still believe I am right. You are right also...your wife does need help. At the risk of incurring the wrath of everyone here on the board, I believe you are the one best able to help her.

You and me both, bendover49....I was kinda wondering if I should bother posting this or not because of the backlash, but , Walt, you are walking away from very sick woman who needs all the help she can get right now and YOU can help her.
Six years ago my wife of 25 years wanted out for no other reason than she did not love me anymore, or so she thought. She was also under enormous pressure at work. Well, the day she wanted to file, she backed out. Two month later she had her first nervous breakdown, followed by another one 6 month later. I could write a book about the events surrounding the first episode. I guess I could have told her that she should go ahead and file, or I would, because I was finished, but that did not happen. I just could not do it....She pulled out of it but is on antipsychotic drugs for the rest of her life. We thought she was doing real well and then, about six month ago she had another episode and we are almost back to square one....but we WILL pull out of it again.
Your situation and mine are different in that there was no infidelity here, just extreme work related stress which put me and the children thru 2.5 years of pure Hades. After the last episode, she wrote me a note thanking me for not giving up on her and supporting her all the way. Ask me where all the strength came from and I will tell you that I have no clue.....
Walt, none of us is in your shoes so we really cannot tell you what to do. If you go thru with the divorce, at least try to be supportive and help her out of her crisis. It appears that she may be looking to you for help....Kicking someone while they are down is never the right thing to do.
Earlier in the thread someone wrote that you had your chance to be a hero, now maybe you should give her a chance. Think about it, because

YOU WON'T EVER REGRET DOING THE RIGHT THING! NOBODY EVER DOES!


MERRY CHRISTMAS

Walt,

I agree with the part that says you will never regret doing the right thing.

There are things that will make recovery impossible unless they are corrected. I would say maybe your WW has one of those. Mine was an alcoholic. She is coming up on one year sobriety now. I realize now that recovery was impossible until she decided to quit drinking.

I could not make her nor can you make your WW go see someone for help. If she did though there might be a possibility for recovery.

Just a thought. I am not saying she will but when and if she gets to the breaking point and begs for another chance make sure you have what you want written down.

IE I will give you another chance if you see a IC. etc.

Good luck my friend and have a happy holidays!

Sorry guys... I appreciate it, but it's just not my job to babysit any more. My kids will suffer even more if took that route, and to be honest, I don't think it's even possible at this point to help her.

After all, it's EVERYONE ELSES fault... not hers!!!

However, my daughter just told me that mom's acting weird... all emotional. I basically dumped a list of tasks on her like opening up a credit card in her name to transfer debt, getting a financial advisor to transfer her share of the retirement funds to, and a bunch of other stuff that normally I take care of and now she's going to have to worry about.

I've been very level emotionally and really can't wait for the day she moves out. I'm ready for the financial hit... worth every penny.

I may sound bitter, but I'm not... just tired and ready for the change.

I'll be a hero, but for my kids... whether they know it or not. (I think they do.)

Thanks for your thoughts. It ain't over yet, but I do see the clouds clearing quite a bit. That horizon is getting brighter and brighter...

The wife is being very emotional lately. She was crying a this morning and just didn't look well last night. She informed me that she told our daughter "everything" last night. Unfortunately, I don't yet know what "everything" means with regard to her multiple affairs. I'm now concerned for my daughter. I just hope my wife used some descretion. I'll talk with my daughter tonight.

She's asking for advice on pretty much everything she's doing. I've decided to give her the "what I would do" comment, but told her that it's not advice, just what I would do. I tread lightly because its common for her to follow advice, then blame the person who gave the advice or suggestion for the result when it doesn't work out like she planned it.

Yes, I really think reality is finally setting in. She looks downright pathetic right now.

But I'm not her daddy...