Well, that didn't take long.
i went home for lunch just in time to catch my WW and a friend leaving the house with her car and my truck loaded up. Stopped as she pulled up. SHe said that she is moving out. She can not stand to feel the way she felt last night again. I was accussing her of having an affair and all. I told her what I said I felt was the truth. I understood why she felt that way. Said I was sorry, she said me too, and we left.
Apparantly she had been in the house for awhile because she had packed up all of her personall things. She even cleaned the boys rooms and made thier beds.

Well, so here I am. Wondering what to do next.
We have joint checking and credit cards, etc. I wonder about the boys etc.

Now just to be clear to everyone here, she WAS having an affair. The emails were very clear. She had traveled to the OM city, to his apartment and they had kissed. They were setting up a night at an out of town hotel during thier high school reunion where they could "go all night". She talked about counting down the days and that she was "holding off on intercourse for now", "but when they did she was sure it would be the best". She was on her period. mmmm. They had set up secret email accounts...etc etc... Sounds like an affair to me.

Anyway, any advise would be appreciated.

She's doing what most here guessed she would do.

Often when they are caught, they go underground, hide it better, and deny, deny, deny.

You can't make her do anything. You can't keep her against her will. It looks like she was looking for an excuse - and that's just what she latched on to. It would have been something else if not that.

You should be looking to protect your self. Separating your accounts. Take half the money, and open another account in just your name. Filing for separation if that's what your lawyer recommends to protect yourself.

When you feel you have done a good plan A, and you feel you are loosing your love for her, then is the time to go to plan B. Not just any date, or not because you are going on a trip.

Realize you may loose her. Do what gives you the best chance, but please protect yourself, and your children from things she may do. You don't have to be mean, but neither do you have to be overly nice. Let her feel the consenquences of what she is doing.

I know this must be hard. Remember people care about you.

SS

One more thing -

She moved behind your back. That's a good clue that she's not doing this for "space."

If she just needed time to think, why not tell you the truth about moving?

Protect yourself.

SS

Thanks SS.

I will look into my finances in the morning. It just seems so crazy.
She contacted the boys and talked with them before they got home from school. The youngest (almost 16) seems to be taking it in stride. He just thinks it's weird. My oldest (17.5) is taking it a little harder. He said that he told her that he is not going to her house, period. We talked for awhile and I reassured him the best I could. We boys have to stick together and take care of each other. She had left a note on each of their beds saying Mom Loves You. I just found his wadded up and thrown in the hall. So sad.
But hey, her IC said that the kids would be fine, that they are selfish. Makes me want to slap the man.
She called my oldest on his cell just a few minutes ago. I am sure he told her exactly how he feels....I am sure that she is blaming me for why he isn't more respectful. Thing is, they are both very good kids. Don't know how I lucked out on that one...much better than I was at thier age!

Oh, and she is not telling them what her plans are either. She told the oldest in her first conversation that she was spending tonight at her house. He asked if only tonight and she said no.....that was it! Nothing more. Proably why the youngest is taking it in stride.

Anyway, I am doing Ok. Just stressed but hanging in there.

I am so sorry, Rob.

Call an attorney. Interview several if you don't have a good referral, and don't pay for that first consultation. See if you can find one who understands your situation and what you want. Learn about how they do divorce in your state. Be AHEAD of your wife on this part.

Protect your money and your kids. Do not ever say to yourself, she wouldn't do *that*. Quietly collect all the information you can about the affair.

Make sure you take your backbone along with you everywhere you go.

Your pain doesn't mean anything to her.

Anger can make you look bad.

Decide if you're going to "push" or "pull". I vote for PUSH.

Chin up. Stay cool.

GC

Protect yourself financially. Cancel the credit cards and get separate accounts. My WH and I have been separated for 3 and a half years. The whole time, he said he wanted to work on the marriage. Meanwhile he drained every penny we had - retirement account and all to the tune of over $200,000.

You also need to see an attorney about drawing up a separation agreement, and setting up child support for your youngest.

GC,
Thanks for the support. Today I will be going to my bank and taking care of the credit cards. I will check on a lawyer.
Believer, Sorry about your situation. I am just amazed at what people will do when in the grips of an affair. My WW seems to be two completely different people. She hugged me in the morning then waited till I went to work and packed and left. In the last week when we were together our relationship seemed heading in such a good direction, but behind my back she was planning and doing other things. The deciet and lies are hard to swallow. People who know my WW think she is the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate woman ever. So much so that I thought my family loved her more than me!
It's like she should win an oscar for the front she puts up to everyone to hide what's going on. Just bizzare.
Wish me luck! Thanks again.

Robm

Believe nothing they say or do as the WW. Trust me I have seen it with my own eyes. The best analogy I can offer is to think of a cocaine addict trying to get his next fix. They will become or do whatever they have to in order for fulfill this need. They will lie, cheat, steal, change their personality, befriend someone to later use them, and on and on in order that the next fix is gotten.

I think this is the way of the WS. They will do whatever it takes to get their next fix. They will be nice to you when necessary, threaten when necessary, do a Jekyl/Hyde at every turn and so on in order to keep that door open for the next fix.

I am a firm believer in those that say there can be no reconciliation, remorse, repentance, etc as long as they are still seeking the drug of choice, the OP. Be surprised by noting they say or do and just know that as long as the affair is ongoing you are the enemy and they will do everything in their power to insure that you don't get in their way of what they want.

robm,

I feel for you man, I really do. Didn't you talk about calling Doc Harley? Maybe now is a good time to set that up. My WW talks about a trip I have planned for the two of us and is excited about it and then on the emotion needs questionnaire she write that she does even want to talk to be about day to day things, BUT SHE DOES talk about day to day things. Call the Dr.- it may be less $$ than the first attorney fee - just my thoughts.

Good luck
God bless you for trying to save your M
M2L

Boy, this all so strange. My oldest son called me this morning saying the WW called him and asked if he wanted to go to the HS football game with her to watch my other boy play in the band. I told him probably not, than Mom should be asking me.
I test mesaged her (first communication sense she left yesterday) asking her to try and not put the boys in the middle of our communication. I said I am sure it was unitentional, but we should be careful.
She text back and explained it, saying is was. Then she asked if I wanted to go with them. I said I felt very uncomfortable with the situation so probably not. She responded back saying if I changed my mind, let her know.....
What should I do????????

You have already answered her, probably not. If she is still seeing another man then defintley not. Thank her for the invite and tell her that you would welcome the chance at a time in the future when there are just two of you in your marriage.

If she is no longer having an affair and is offering an olive branch then what is wrong with going part way and saying that you would like to come and sit with them while son plays in band at the halftime activites only (30 minutes or so).

"I feel very uncomfortable with the situation"?

Is that an understatement?

What's your plan? You gotta have one. What do you want?

GC

The separation happened so quick that I really don't have a plan. Today I have taken care of the credit cards, moved money from the joint checking to a personal checking, contacted a lawyer and waiting for a call back. The first lawyer I contacted, which is supposed to be the best around, was already on retainer with the WW. I looked at the cell records and she had made contact late Jine when she first was going to separate.
So, my thoughts are that I would still like to see us work it out.
I do not know if she is in contact with the OM. I have no evidence and of course she denies it and denies wanting that type of relationship with him period. Her actions tell me she is or will be. But I can not be 100% certain.

Yea GC, it was quite the understatement.

So, I need a plan..... not sure what to do. Part of me says be nice and engage her as much as she allows, the other says go dark and let her do her thing, see what happens.

I have not been angry with her once from D-Day. I can feel the frustrations starting to well up a little thinking of the deciet, the effect on the boys, and the thought of the financial implications.

Just not sure what to do....

Re-read my post on the game invite. I was not clear. She called my son and invited him, he suggested that I go too. She told him that would be OK. In the text messages with her, she did invite me.

Rob, is there anything you're afraid of?

Hey, if you're hoping for responses, and not getting any, then bump your post, man.

Meanwhile, I hope OM gets a cyst on his a$$. A niiiiice, weepy one.

Hope you're managing okay.

GC

Hey GC,
Nothing I am afraid of. Here is an update. Friday my band boy came home. I thought my oldest son was bringing him, so when he didn't come in the house I went out. WW was sitting in her car waiting for him. She was going to take him to eat and then drop him off at the HS. Later she said she tried to text me to see if this was ok, never got it.
Anyway, I went to the car and we chit chatted for a minute, then I asked her when she was going to tell me what her plans were... a little hem-hawing around. She finally said she just couldn't stay after what I said (told her it was an affair). I said that she was moving anyway and maybe all I did was speed it up. She agreed. She said she took the print outs and re-read them... mentions the addictiom part... I said that is why we could never work out unless there is NC...it has to be like a death and she has to deal with the OM that way....
She asked if I wanted to go to the game, said I would ask my oldest son and if he wanted me to go I would, he did, so I did. Actually it was enjoyable and she was happy etc. Just really so weird! Like nothing is different!
Today she has called several times. In one she invited the youngest to attend church with her, then asked me if that was Ok. Told me one of her girlfreinds called and asked her to go out with her tonight, didn't know what they would do but was excited about it.
My oldest and I went out four-wheeling with my brother and his son during the afternoon today on our river land. Really fun, the youngest was tired and his alergies were acting up so he stayed home, Got home to find out she had called him, brought him some lunch.
So that is up to date. The boys are here with me again for the third night. I am not contacting her at all. She is doing all the contacting. I am just going to let it ride for awhile and see what she does. Just really bizare stuff.

After she moved I did break the news to my family. I have talked to two of my sisters amd my brother. So I am finally getting some support around me.
Thanks for checking in on me GC. I'll keep giving updates.

Ok all. I am needing some advice, encouragement or something. It is Saturday night, third night of separation. I am home with my boys and some of thier friends. My WW is going "out" with a girlfriend....I have been doing laundry, dinner, dishes, etc. I am starting to feel resentment over the lies, deciet, and hurt. I visualize telling her stuff that I know would be LB's. I feel some anger and bitterness welling up. I have been so calm and loving for several months.
I understand that plan B is to protect the love. When do I know it is time? How long should I continue to see what happens in plan A.
I hate seeing the boys, especially the older one so upset and hurt.
Please help me sort this out. Thanks.

When it comes to "plan B is to protect the love", I gotta tell you, that never registered with me.

I think your availability makes it easier for your wife to get used to thinking of you as her old buddy instead of as the man in her life. A man she admires and agrees is a very good guy, but not the guy who makes her socks roll up and down.

The two sides of her brain are in conflict, and the right side, the one that's ruled by emotion and intuition and unconscious motivation, is in charge, and is supported by lame-brained friends and counselors. I think one way to get the right side responding to you is to be a confident, self-assured man who'll forgive her and help her, but won't stand and take a beating from her and then come running every time she throws you a bone.

Do you know what attracted her to you when you first got to know her?

Did you call her all the time and send her flowers? Did you pursue her?

GC

GC, I hear ya. I do not contact her sense she left. All of the chasing, flowers and so on have stopped.
I am forgiving, it's just that every day that passes it seems there is more stuff to forgive and it is stacking up.
At anyrate, I think it is quite normal to feel the resentment and so forth. It is not constant stuff feelings, just everynow and then I feel pissed about it all. Waking up this morning I'm back to my calm self.
I am not sure why she feel in love with me to be honest. It was a another work relationship. I was a manager and she was a pretty admin assistant. I gave her a book one day and that seemed to be the beggining.
But you are right, I was not chasing her. It just sort of evolved over time. For the first two years she worked with me she thought I didn't even like her.
So today is a new day. I have a lot of projects to do around the house.

Question all. Should I disclose to my boys the A?. At this point I really see it doing more harm than good. Any thoughts on this? If yes, how would that be helpful?