GDP, I didn't think I'd see that writen by a man.

I wondered if being blamed for thinking this way is why I haven't seen more men responding to this thread.

Nams~

How's the site working for you so far?

I re-joined a month ago. My membership will expire tomorrow and I will not be re-newing.

I had possibly 10 contact me, and with the exception of 1, I threw all back. The 1 [very interesting], I couldn't seem to get anything started with. I've come to the conclusion I'm not forward enough for this concept.

Keep us updated.

I wanted to add to hcii~~ you give women with children hope. Hope for more men like you. I hope one day, when the time is right, that a man will have feelings the way you are describing of your gf's children, about my daughters.


Karona

I apologize for taking so much space on nams’s thread.

devastatedwife, mlhb, hcii, newly, nams, cyllanlisa, GDP, karona,

Thank you to each who responded to my post. I expected more negative responses.

I’m especially encouraged by the ladies in their late 30’s who say that they might want another child.

I didn’t try to dump out all the thoughts I’ve had on this, but I have certainly considered many options. While in all honesty, I would very much like to have another biological child, I’m sure I could be happy in some other family configuration with children. (Well, they’re all “biological”, but I mean genetically descended from me, LOL)

I’m really quite afraid of step-parenting, especially when the bio-dad is still in the picture. I agree with what hcii said,:

I don’t want to leap into the world of teenagers quite yet. I’ve had a resident niece(15) and nephew(17-22). I’m not eager to try to step-parent teens, unless I have had a few years to work into the role.

On the other hand, if a lady has young children, and the father is largely uninvolved, I would love to fill the role of dad in their lives.

While having a family with children (every day) is the most important thing, I still have other criteria – religion (Christian, preferably protestant), non-smoking, non-drinking, financially-responsible, non-selfish, calm, reasonably self-confident without being arogant, and last but not least, chaste (there’s a word one hardly hears anymore). <sigh>

And she doesn't have to look like a model. I don't care what color the hair is. I don't care what kind of car she drives. I don't care if she's not that keen on housekeeping. I can cook. I don't care if she doesn't watch sports (actually, I prefer that she doesn't). A "few extra pounds" is ok with me. I've got a few extra of my own after all.

Still, while there may be very few women who fit my criteria, and who find that I fit theirs, I just need one.

Just one.

That’s all.

There’s gotta be one somewhere.

-AD

Wow nams,

Looks like you really fired a bullet with your questions. Sounds to me like everyone has pretty much stated all the points I can think of.

My question would be, What about women who just started in their 40's and arent really interested in putting up with step-children who want mommy and daddy back together? (And they do everything they can to make things as hard as possible.) Situations where their dad can't see what is going on and take a stand to make their marriage just as important as their children.

Personally, Dr. Harley told me to wait until my last child turned 18 and then start dating if she agreed. That's where I'm at. She has moved out and my son has already made me a grandmother once and the second grandchild is due around thanksgiving. Just the thoughts of having to put up with all of the trouble step-children like to cause is scary enough to send me running unless I know their father is strong and wise enough to show tough love when it needs to be there. I showed that tough love with my children and they learned well from it and went on to make their lives good even after their mistakes.

My xh is still playing the rescuer for his daughter @ 23 yrs of age. Dr. H advised him to let her stay out, that she was old enough she needed to learn, but he wouldn't listen. I don't mind helping the children when they need it, but I can't see letting them run or ruin my life. They have to live their own life.

Sorry for rambling. Guess I've just needed to get all of that out for a long time.

As for the looking for a mate online, I don't trust much of what any of the posts say. You have to meet a person and spend time with them before you can really tell if they are worth your efforts to build a relationship.

I can't answer for the guys who want to date younger women, but I can say that many women often put lines in their profiles such as "my guy friends tell me I look 10 years younger than my age". I ask myself why they put that in there.

I find women about my age to be very attractive. Looking 10 years younger would only make me think I would have to spend to much time watching my back when I was out with her!

I have come across an even weirder trend - women who post that they are a certain age, but then when you get to talking to them, they say "oh, BTW, I am not really 41, I am 49". Their rationalization is that if they put down their real age, they get a bunch of 70 yo guys e-mailing them.

While that may be true, I find the deception that is inherent in this approach to kill any further interest that I might otherwise have had.

AGG

AD, not to worry, I'm glad you want to contribute to this thread. It's interesting to hear you & others say they're afraid of step-parenting a child if the dad is involved.

I can only give you my perspective as a woman whose ex is living with his gf. My belief is they were involved while we were married though there is no admission of that from ex. I tell you this so you know I don't exactly have an open heart where ex's gf is concerned.

My marriage is over, nothing to be done about that & it IS a good thing. What I want most from the gf is kindness toward my children. If she & ex marry she may feel more invested especially since she has no children of her own. I would hope she would remain mostly in a friend role & not try to parent in any significant way. If I had to I would speak to her about overstepping her bounds if something came up but I get informed by my boys as to how she treats them & so far so good.

At this point my 15 YO son says she is nicer than his father & that he feels he could speak to her about difficult stuff concerning his dad, or will be able to soon. I'm happy for my boys that they have someone in their lives who care for them. I'll simply have to wait & see what the future brings.

K, how's the online dating going? Eh. I just got back on & I'm fairly aggressive about contacting people if I feel I might be interested. For me, if I'm going to be on there I might as well make every effort I can to meet people as that what I think it's about. I'll keep you posted about anyone of interest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Interesting GDP that a rating of athletic & toned doesn't mean model type to you. Good news really as there might be others out there that feel the same.

This summer I've been fortunate enough to be able to devote lots of time to exercise, generally 5 to 7 days a week, walking & free weights. At this point I would call myself fit but would refer to myself as about average on a dating site. My feeling is I'd rather have someone think better of my appearance rather than feel duped. For me to say athletic & toned I'd need to look like the sports bra model. That's how I see the men who refer to themselves as athlectic & toned, not sports bra models though. I wonder...

RMW, wow if you're speaking about your own kids or a SO's kids I'd say they seem to have too much control.

Harlesy said wait so as not to upset the kids? What was the rationale?

Unless we are talking about very young children who are having a very difficult time I'd have a sit down with the kids. Of course the assumption is a parent is properly caring for their kids & not neglecting them for the new person.

I've dated but not introduced anyone to my kids. No one warranted that, but they have asked & I've told them I am dating. I make it clear they can ask me anything they want. I've told them if there is someone I think will be part of my life they will know it & be introduced. I won't just spring a person on them as did their father.

My boys have asked me when I will get a bf so I think they have adjusted well & want to see me with someone who makes me happy. If they exhibited any insecurity I'd address it but also make it clear I do have a life other than being mommy.

My boys mean the world to me but I do want a partner & will do what I can to make that happen.

I have a question for the men. My friend believes that even online, men want to be the pursuer. So, she believes that they are more likely to connect if they reach out, and less if a woman winks or emails them. Is there any validity to this?

Nams, if you are fit, then I'd write fit. I'm "about average" on match, and even if I were a stick, I could never be a sports bra model, they just don't make them my size <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Men lie about their age as well AGG & just as with you it makes my interest disappear.

Oh newly, don't get me started on the sports bra subject. I searched, finally found one, supposed to be "the best" & it's still not good enough. I was doing some running but between that & finding out walking is as good as running, just takes longer, I've stopped. Ever hear of the Shock Absorber?

I say about average because I'm a work in progress. I anticipate better fitness which will mean firmer bod. Fit to me means I can go out & pretty much do what I want. Ride bikes on a date, hike, walk all day here & there without feeling like I'll need a break.

auto, funny. I feel that way about the very handsome types. Too handsome in my view.

Oh, of course, lying is an equal opportunity habit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. It's just that I haven't made a habit of corresponding with men on dating sites, so my experience base is strictly limited to women <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I'm sure it's a matter of personal preference, but for me, I am not gonna pursue anyone. I don't mind being the one to make the first contact, but if I get no response or a wishy washy "hi" response back, well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I believe that "pursuing" is a form of game playing, although others might call it that "raising your social price" concept that was floated here a few months back. I don't buy into it, though, so those who are trying to raise their social price by playing hard to get can go elsewhere.

Conversely, I have always given more consideration to women who sought me out by e-mail or a wink. Partly this is because I like assertive women, but also, their initiative tells me that they have at least some interest, as opposed to women who reply to my initial efforts more out of boredom than out of interest.

AGG

The hard to get types. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Pleeze. I am so not a game player. My feeling is if I'm on a dating site looking for a partner it behooves me to be as honest as I can about myself, in a positive light of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I state clearly what I'm looking for, don't toss out stuff that's misleading or untrue. It'll come back to haunt me if I do.

I still get emails from guys who are clearly mass emailing or who don't really read my profile but I expect some of that. When I email a man I show I've read his profile by referring to somethings he's mentioned & how it may relate to me.

If the men I contact prefer to get in touch with women rather than women contacting them, oh well, one down. NEXT!

BTW AGG, how are things in your relationship world?

newly, have you heard of figleaf.com? Great online bra store. Having a free shipping special at the moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

nams,

I apprecieated when women replied promptly. Being ignored is the worst insult.
On eHarmony, if a woman didn't reply to an initial match within about 4 days, I would close the match. It's very hard to get to know somebody who communicates with me once a week.

I appreciated when women would communicate respectfully, even if they were not interested. I don't mean that they would be insincere, but rather that if they said they were not interested, they still would treat me respectfully. Hmmm. I think I've not described this well.

I always promptly replied to any communications recieved. I closed matches quickly if I saw a situation that I knew I wasn't going to accept.

I would not mind if a woman sent the initial contact, but the only times that happened were on match - and were women from china who didn't even have profiles. I suppose they mass-mailed to all men within some set of criteria. Even these, I answered, but usually only say "I'm not interseted in an international courtship right now. Aren't there any men in your city?"

In the end, I decided that I spend too much of my life at the computer already, and that for me, it would be better to do it the old-fashioned way. So, I pulled the plug on the on-line dating services.

Good luck out there.

-AD

I have gone out with 2 guys who wanted me to guess their age. "Guess how old I am!" What a game, they wanted to stroke their ego by hearing how young they looked.
Some of the sites I've perused in the past have guys who obviously lie about their ages, and they use OLD pictures! I had a date where I was to meet a guy at a local restaurant. I looked everywhere in the lobby, and couldn't find the guy. he spotted me, though, and he was much heavier and greyer than his picture.
I have given up on online dating also, as I have found some guys to just be looking for...well, you know. Of course maybe the women are too. Plus, when they find out I have 3 older kids about to all go to college, well, they usually run the other way. I will most likely end up waiting 3 more years until all are in college to date seriously....
Maybe I'll be completely healed and ready by then.
KK

Nams, my xh was the one with the problem child. Harley suggested I wait until she was 18 for the sake of building back on our relationship. She went through an awful lot and really didn't need the stress of another relationship (possibly going bad). I married her father when I was a teenager and very dumb. I found out after we married he was cheating on me while we were dating.(but still wanted to marry anyway) He left us all for another woman (and left her for another woman too) when she was only 18mos old. We stayed pretty much alone for the next 10 yrs then I married again. This time the so had a kid - an only child. Things were great until we married. She started causing trouble immediately after we married. She didn't like sharing daddy on a regular basis and started complaining about it. The counselor said that she had to learn to start entertaining herself part of the time (16 almost 17yrs old). With time things just got worse instead of better. Anyway, it was to protect her from anymore trauma. I didn't mind, I really didn't have to wait that long - she was already 16 nearly 17 at the time.

Besides, I now I needed the time to recouperate myself. There really aren't many men here to chose from unless you want a young flight student in the army. Our population is kind of slim. I've only dated one since my divorce - for about 6 mos. Now I understand in full why Dr. Harley says you have to have similar values. The bf thought there was nothing wrong with sleeping around with any woman he came along with and liked. My values are to save it for whomever I decide to marry. That was a BIG rip factor for a long time. If he looks at things that way, then what's to stop him from doing the same thing later on? I talked to Dr. H about some of the things that were going on in the relationship when things were going really tough and he said get out of it, that it was a relationship doomed for abuse and control. (He was demanding, and yelling at me because of my values) Having been abused a lot when I was young it just didn't register on me real quick what was going on. Anyway, it's over - and I finally told him so.

Oh well, gotta' keep on truckin'. There's plenty of things to take care of now even though my daughter is grown and out on her own. That should keep me busy until something better comes along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for writing back!

Sorry nams, I just read my post and realized that it would be easy to get the two "she s" mixed up. Maybe you can decipher them out. The she being protected was my daughter, the she causing trouble was his daughter. I'll preview my post next time to make sure it's a little easier to understand.

Just wanted to add....



Been there, done that. My XW was pregnant within 6 months of our divorce. Talk about a stabbing!

But...I guess mine and the GF's 3 children wouldn't have it any other way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


HCII

AD, we've had a discussion here before about replying or not replying to people that don't interest you. I'm with you in that I reply no matter what just because I believe it's courteous. I even went so far as to say people who don't reply have shown you they lack good manners, lack good character traits etc...caused quite a stir & made those who "don't have the time" or "not interested so why bother" to reply people angry.

I go back & forth on dating sites. I'll be on for a couple of months then off for a couple. Next time I may just join for one month instead of three though the bargin hunter in my always pushes for three.

Not to worry RMW, I think I figured it out. My point was giving kids too much control over what is essencially your private life. Brats going into adulthood believing they have the right to step in the middle of others lives... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> can't be a good thing for those people in their future.

hcii, it's funny that even though we know we are better off now we still look back a feel pain when an ex moves in a direction we could have headed in together.