Mya,


Please explain.....
What should I do differantly?

Thanks

<Bump> please
Any thoughts, questions, suggestions?

Your Plan Aing her best you can yet you aren't exposing her poor behaviors to others ... meaning full Exposure of her A. They aren't just friends for cripes sake. They are having an A!

Again, I'm not experienced in matters of infidelity so you need to listen to the GQII posters for more qualified advice on the exposure question.

Thanks Mya,
Seems my thread went dead.

J,

What study have you done with regard to plan A?

Tell me what you understand about it..what you have implemented..and what your plans/timelines look like.

Right now it looks from *here* like Plan React..which is neither plan A or B.

If you don't understand the tools..you will not be able to apply them correctly.

Hi Noodle,


Star and others have posted to me on this thread as to what to do.
Could you read back on this and tell me your thoughts please?


I have been posting on emotional needs for about 2 or 3 months but just now have realized that w is a ww.
She moved out 7/22/06
It's very hard to plan A from where I'm at.
What an I doing?
No, None, Notta on relationship talk.
No other man talk.
I dont call her or e-mail her.
Trying to look like I'm moving on.
I have read His Needs Her Needs, Love Buster, and I' am currently reading Surviving An Affair.
I am almost done with SAA.
I want to call her and keep reminding her that I am here and that i will not give up.
If you have been in my possition you will know that concentrating and doing whats right is very hard and I keep wondering if this is the right course of action.
Better minds have told me to stay the course with what I'm doing so I continue to stay strong.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and ideas.
JS

My thoughts on E-Mail to mil

Heres what I have so far.

[Hi guys.......Thanks for the E-Mail.

How am I doing?
Trying to move on with my life and keep my kids happy and safe.
It's not easy. ww has been kind to me but it still hurts like ******. I wake up and reach for her and she's not there and then I get that mental picture of her sleeping with Frank and it gets me sad again.

I wish she had been honest with me from the start, its not the affair that has me sad, its the lying and sneaking around.
She bought him cards while she was still living at home about how good his touch makes her feel.
I now know that she left me so she could be with him more. I think she must have felt guilty for seeing him and still living with me.
She met him through Kimi, He was one of her and David's friends and she introduced them........ so I'm told.....not really sure.
She would say she was going to Kimi's bar to visit and then would be with him.
I was so blind to all of this because I trusted her and loved her so much.
Doesn't really matter now I guess. Its the past and I'm working on the future.
She always said I was to controlling and I didn't trust her but I think she was telling herself this to help her to move on.
I know we had our share of problems but I also know we had love too.
I hope she is carefull. I've hurd so many people who know him that say he is so bad for her and that he is a drug dealer and a loser.
I hope there wrong but for the safety of my kids I'm being very watchfull of this but I
really don't want to interfear in her life.
Mutual friends had to tell me all of this and ww still don't know that I know all of this and there is no point in bringing it up now......what's done is done. Right?
D7 continues to ask me a multitude of questions about Frank and mommy. She doesn't understand why mommy isn't coming home and why she is always with Frank.
S5 says "frank isn't a good guy...I don't like him daddy.
All I can do is remind them that there mother and I love them more than anything and thats usually enough for them to quiet down.
I haven't told ww any of this because she needs to here it from them, not me.
She doesn't trust me right now even though I have told her I would never turn her kids against her. EVER
They need there mom and dad in there life and thats what I want for them.
S12 stayes with me most of the time and he calls Frank "the hillbilly". He is very angry about Frank and her and Blames Frank for taking his mother away.
I keep reminding him that its ok to be mad but that his mother loves him more than anything right now and needs him in her life.
He has started to go over there more lately and she is very happy about that.
I reminded him that his mother did not do this to hurt anyone and that she just needs time to sort everything out in her life and we will all be fine in the end.
He is doing awsome in football and seems to be pretty happy right now.
I have really had no trouble with the kids since ww left. They are treating each other a lot better lately.

What scares me the most is what others tell me about Frank and the fact that ww doesn't see any of this....she thinks he is just fine.
She had him and a friend of his named Steve over one night when the kids were there and she put D7 and S5 to bed and then left with S12 to go get some beer for the guys and left Frank and Steve home alone with the two little ones.

I spoke to her about this a day or two later and said that I didn't think that was a very
good choice......she got mad at me and said I was trying to controll her and that those guys are my friends.
I said you can do whatever you want to do with your life but I still need to protect my kids from all of this.
She's had Frank spend the night there when the kids were there and they continued to ask me questions about this and I finally asked her if she could please ask him not to spend the night when they are there and she kind of half heartily agreed.
As far as I know she has not had him there overnight except when the kids are with me.
I know she thinks she's in love with him.
I love her mil, even after all of this, I still love her and I know that if she would stop seeing him and give me a chance, I could show her that we could have our family back together again.

Her affair was a mistake....not something she meant to do, it just happened.
I can forgive her for that. I already have.

I'm just "letting go" right now and moving on with improving myself so I can continue my focus on the kids and let her have her life and hope she gets tired of it someday and wants to come home.

I love her and I have never been mean or disrepectfull to her since all of this happened.
I will continue to treat her with love and respect because I know inside that lost women is the same girl I married.]

Thats all I have so far.....to much?




Please give me your thoughts.
JS

I would respond but I have to spend some time scraping my chin off of the floor first and then resist the urge to crawl through the screen and throw things at you.

How can you rationalize leaving your children defenseless?

In the care of known criminals and suspected drug addicts/pushers?

For fear of being "controlling"?

Even to the point of shushing the childrens OWN complaints that they are not comfortable with "Frank" and that "Frank is not a good guy".

Jslost...if my H attempted to expose my children to something like this he would have to step over my decaying corpse to do it.

At what point is your childrens welfare going to be more of a concern to you than your adulterous wifes perception that she is being controlled when she does not get her way?

Noodle, most of what I have heard is heresay. I haven't confirmed anything and the kids ARE out of harms way now.
I'm still waiting to get more info on om.
They have been told by me to contact me if they are around this om.
This is in my threads....did you read any of it?

Maybe I should change my letter and make him sound like a good guy....is that good exposure? Would mil want to help me out then?

My point is not what is going on over there ITS exposing it.

I'm having a real bad day today and missing my wife and kids and now I'm not sure what the _uck I'm doing.

Sorry noodle but when you see a response on your thread you get excited that maybe someone IS listening to you and you anticipate some good advice....then you open it up and its someone bashing you for being a dumba$$.

JS

JS,

You're back to be reactive again.....and not following through on the things that are important for ending this affair or protecting your children.

*Get this man away from your kids...I've repeatedly told you that you can't worry about looking "controlling" when it comes to protecting your children.

*Pay to have a criminal background check done on this man.

*Tell her mother about the affair.....and don't bury it in that long rambling letter. Call her on the phone, tell her thanks for the email and then go right into in. Don't talk about how miserable all of this is for YOU....talk about what she (your MIL) can do to help protect your kids and your marriage and her own daughter from this dangerous man!!

*If he has a record.....go to an atty and get a court order to keep him away from your children!

I agree with Star. If you can't afford the PI- then get the money from your parents. Find out about this guy.

Then, I think an anon tip to his work about how they need to do a random drug screen might be a good start.

Expose?? I think so. The longer you don't the more you allow her to eat cake.

She's gonna be LIVID. Don't let her turn it around on you- keep the focus on her and her actions with Frank.

Star, WTF?
If I go over there half cocked not knowing what the ****** I'm talking about do you think anyone will ever listen to me again?
Get this sob away from my kids!!!
Whats that?
He dont have a record?
She's known him how long?
You know his parents mil?


Does he have a record?
You tell me!!!
I dont have that info yet.

If I take that advice you gave at this time it will put my chances of plan Aing in the crapper.

JS

Since this is your children and not a court of law...Frank is guilty until proven innocent not the other way around. Hearsay is good enough...more than good enough. Wouldn't it be a simple matter of public record in any case? I thought you were quite certain that he was at the very least an excon.

Then of course there is the fact that your child TOLD you that Frank makes them uncomfortable and that he "not a good guy".

Again..enough for me to act on...what will it take for YOU?

No, I don't think you need to change the story to make a better effort to manipulate you MIL...but how about the short and sweet version?

MIL...I'm so sorry to tell you that DD is having at least one affair and possibly more...that this has been going on for some time and that the circumstances surrounding our separation agreement were not based on honesty.

I would never have supported nor funded her decision if I had known the truth of the matter.

My wish is to recover the marriage and honor the committments I made to your DD when we married.

I ask for your help in protecting our children from DDs poor decisions and from contact with several men that she is carrying on inappropriately with.

The children have expressed discomfort with them and especially with being left alone in their care and this is very concerning for me as well...as their father I am responsible to protect my children from unsavory characters and I take that responsibility seriously.

I understand that at least one of them has a criminal history and am investigating this.

I disapprove of the lifestyle that DD is leading currently but respect that it is her choice...however I will not tolerate for my children to be exposed to this lifestyle.

What are you willing to do to help me protect the children and recover the marriage?

If you have been on good terms with MIL it might work...if MIL is an enabler it won't...if MIL is going to "support" her daughter right up to the gates of ****** and beyond nothing you can say will change that.

I suggest you look into child protection and your rights on this issue FIRST.

I recommended to you before she ever left [and before you knew about the affair] that you not support this decision and that you prevent your children from being put in the very position that they are now in.

At that time you were not willing to do ANYTHING but give her what she wanted when and how she wanted it.

Have you changed your position?

If you have not then I am probably the least helpfull person for you and will not be posting to you any further.

Noodle,
Thanks for the ideas.
I am using your example to expose to mil.
I added a few things and think your way was much better than mine.
I will also send a copy to ww grandma.

Thank you guys for your help.
Hey.......I can feel my spine again.
JS

Noodle showed up before I did....and I like the way she's worded things to your mother in law. JS, there are certain things that are more important than even Plan A....and the safety of your children is certainly one of them. I said "if he has a record...." because first of all....that's what you indicated....but secondly, it's one of the things you need to do! Find out about exactly what's going on with this guy! You say he's homeless, and has a drinking problem, might be a drug addict and ex-con....and so I don't understand your reaction. Pay someone to find out!! That way....if you need a court order because your fogged spouse won't stop bringing him around your kids....you can get one. Until then....it's solely up to you make sure your children feel safe. And here's the thing.....even if this guy is Mr.Clean....if your kids are uncomfortable....you need to step in.

I agree with all of you....thanks for the 2x4's
I needed to do something and exposure needed to be done to I think.
Thank you all.
I E-Mailed her grandma, her mom, her dad and all of my family so we'll see what happens.
WW e-mailed me today and asked if she could just pick the kids up and go straight to her house instead of waiting for me to get home.
I e-mailed her back and said I really wanted to see them tonight before I go out. I asked if I could go by her house on the way home from work and she could send them outside to see me. I said Call me.
She never called so I called her when I left for work and she said "Oh I thought you were just going to come by".
I said "I asked if I could come by and said "call me back"
She said "Oh $hit you did say that, I'm sorry.
I said "Are you alright?"
She said "yeah just overloaded as usual."
The reason I asked if she was alright is because she keeps forgetting stuff.
D7's school called me this morning and said D7 wasn't at school so I called ww at work.
*JS panicking* The school just called and said D7 never showed up this morning!!!!!
She said "Oh $hit I forgot to tell you,well actually I left a message on your answering machine this morning but you must have already left. She had a belly ache and a cough so I kept her at the daycare".
JS Omg...you got to tell me this stuff....I'll call the school. whew!
WW saying I'm so sorry I forgot, I'm sorry.
JS Bye

So when I got there tonight I talked to her outside for a while about kids and stuff then when I got ready to leave I said "Are you sure your alright?"
She said "Yeah I'm fine"
I said "I just want you to know that I love you"
She said "I know"
I said "have a good night" and gave her a hug.

I was just trying to put in a good word there because I have a feeling she will get some calls tonight on my e-mail.

What do I say if/when she calls me on this?

I did this because I want you back?

I got to go now but I'll try to ignore her phone calls untill tomorrow.
Can someone give me a good plan A answer for the coming questions?
Just say I did it for the kids?

Talk to you guys tomorrow.
JS

I noticed where ww's grandma forwarded my email to ww and ww has read it.
Haven't heard from her yet.
Please someone give me some advice as to what to say or how to handle this situation.

Anyone been there before?
I'm sure I will be getting a call from her on this.

JS

You have SAA...read plan A re exposure.

She will be angry...furious...enraged.

There will be temper tantrums, accusations, plates thrown, feet stomped.

Your line is...I stand by every word that I wrote...while it is true that I can not control your choices...it is also true that you can not control mine. I will not discuss this any further with you today. *end conversation*

Additionally..you err in allowing the WS to set the terms for engagement which puts you in a vulnerable place.

You are an adult..she is an adult..adults have conversations that end when EITHER of them becomes unwilling to continue.

You really MUST enforce boundaries...perhaps this has been a root issue and an element in the control issues you believe have been present in your marriage for a long time?

Perhaps it is not soooo much about control..as about failure to have a comprehensive grasp of boundaries and ability to respect them or enforce them?

Something to think about.

In any case...you do not have to discuss it because she says so...you do not have to explain yourself..so don't.

You do not have to apologise because she is angry..her anger is her own and not yours to fix...this all comes back to respect and boundaries.

Thank you Noodle, I appreciate your thoughts.
I just needed the right mind set to know how to respond. I want to do this right for me and my children.

Keep me in your thoughts and if you think of anything else please feel free to jump on me.

JS