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ww called tonight and said she wanted to come over and see the kids real quick before she went home.
She was very pleasant and didn't say anything harsh to me while she was here. She said "I will stop over in the morning to get the kids ready.
Does this mean she doesn't care who knows?
People keep telling me she will never come back.
She just doesn't care about me anymore.
This situation is so differant than anyone else's I read.
Should I give up?
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JS,
I've often said that when "control" is the issue that a wife is attempting to escape....can be harder to turn back around. Let the exposure WORK.....and see if it helps the situation if/when folks put pressure on the affair. Continue to concentrate on YOU so that the comparison to Frank is more and more attractive. It's rare for these strategies to yield immediate results.....and part of learning to step back and stop controlling....is learning some patience. I know that's hard for you.....but no amount of agitation and anxiety will help your situation. Focus....cool....confident....sure about yourself.
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Ww came over to get the kids ready for school even though I was off of work today and asked. Are you going to be able to write me a check this week?. JS "for what?" WW "for my rent." JS I told you weeks ago that without your weekly checks helping to pay for things and the fact that you have me paying half of the daycare bill that I wouldn't be able to pay you anything. WW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> "Hurry up kids get ready so I can get out of here." WW [walking throught he house mad] "You certainly had enough money to take them to the fair last night." She told kids she had to leave and that Dad can take you to the daycare today.....Walked outside to give S5 a kiss and walked away. She did say Bye. I said "bye have a good day today". I stayed calm and nice. Thank you Star*Fish for your kind words, they always seem to come at the right time when I'm feeling down. Thank you Noodle for the wonderfull exposure letter you wrote for me. I'm so glad I sent it now and it makes me feel better weather it changes anything or not. I'm glad you decided to stay here with me and help. I feel stupid for not listening to you guys more before now. Thanks MyAlias and Mywifeilove, Coachswife and all of the others who have given there oppinion. I love you guys. JS
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Amazing how WS want the BS to "finance" their single life isn't it? Good for you for not caving in and offering assistance......and remaining calm while you did it. It's hard to watch your wife struggle....but those are exactly the things that she needs to do right now. If she goes to court....she probably doesn't even realize that not only won't you be paying her rent....but she'll probably be expected to pay YOU child support.
Hang in there buddy.....you seem better focussed again. Any progress on finding out the who this Frank character is?
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Nothing on Frank so far. I need a license number or something.
I need to move fast so I can get to a lawyer and find out my rights. I'm not going to risk him being around my kids if I can help it nor will I risk losing my kids to a WW.
She picked up S12 from the movies last night and brought him home. I asked her to come in and say goodnight to the little ones becasue I had just put them to bed.
She came out of there room and I was outside and she started spewing venom at me and wouldn't stop. The kids had told her that daddy doesnt like Frank and we don't like him either.
I tried to talk to her,I should have let her go. (my mistake)
I called, she yelled, she hung up, I called, She yelled, she hung up.
I called and left a message on her voice mail. I told her she needs to discuss this with me to find a solution and not just go running off half cocked.
She called me every name in the book.
I know, I know your saying she didn't here a word.....well, I wasn't thinking at the time because she cought me off gaurd.
Next time I know.
She called this morning and talked to the kids and then I got on the phone with her and she said "good morning" I said "I'm sorry for the confrontation we had last night but we need to find a better solution to the kids questions rather than just ignoring them.
She said, "maybe we should go to some counseling with them.
I said "I think that would be a vary good idea.
JS "we need to remind them that, no matter what, we love them.
She picked the 2 little kids up and I gave her some of the plants that we had here because I'm not much of a plant guy and I helped her load them in her van.
Star,Noodle,Mywifeilove...If your still out there.
Please remind me what I'm suppose to be doing.
How do I fill her needs this way and do I still continue to move on like you told me before.
It's so hard to know she is with Frank and still try to go on as if nothing has happened.
I need focus.
Star, Yes or no, Do I just need to go back and read what you wrote me before and continue applying it?.
Thanks, in advance for your thoughts.
JS
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JS,
You need to get in charge of your emotions.....when you're "reactive" you make mistakes. This is an emotional time....and this is your wife and kids....so I know how hard it is....but you need to be able "state" calmly what you know to be true....and then not argue or insist she talk to you. You CAN'T control her....you MUST control YOU.
Yes....go back and read the posts that helped you....get regrounded. Your wife is confused.....and you need to be the light house. If the light is swinging wildly....she won't know it's safe harbor.
You know the right thing to do....you really do....and these things are simple.....but not EASY at all. I'll keep checking in.....hang in there.
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I just ran across Ark's thread "Lighthouse" and stole this quote. I'm posting it here in the hopes that if anyone is following my sit that this mat be something that helps them as it has helped me. Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....
strength to you all..
ARK Star, I just went back and reread your previous threads (I have them printed out) and I'll try to follow your advice. Thank You Thanks again to all that have posted to me. JS
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What do I do?
Just figured out that ww can't pay her bills on what she makes.
My family has said that I need to get a lawyer now.
I have no idea what to ask or what info lawyer will need.
I called the law office and they are going to have him call me back.
I want a legal seperation to protect me and the kids.
Please tell me how to go about this based on your experiances.
I will tell my lawyer that I don't want divorce and that I'm trying to save my marriage.
What do I tell ww?
When do I tell ww?
How do I tell her this without being vindictive?
Please....give me all of your thoughts on this.
Theres no way she could have payed her rent this month without help from someone.
I want 50/50 custody with me being primary parent and primary residence.
I don't want to pay her anything and I don't need her to pay me.
Can that be done?
How?
Thanks for your thoughts.
JS
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Anymore I can do to interfear with ww A?
Kids were with me last night...his car is there this morning.
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Just recieved an e-mail from ww's grandma. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ----- YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER --- DON'T SEND ANY MORE MSG. TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST. GM My reply: This will be my last e-mail to you. I really don't understand why you have all of this anger towords me. But I will repspect your wishes. Should I contact ww about this? thoughts please?
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Quote by Foreverhers This really sums things up for me. Hope it helps someone else as well. Mywifeilove - Okay, time for a little "tough love" talk with YOU. So please don't take offense.
By way of background, let me simply say "I see your "Our marriage, IMO, is not recoverable, ever. She is so addicted to OM, and has so much resentment toward me for being an impediment to her happiness, that she won't possibly look at me with any respect again," and RAISE with my wife's continuous 6 year affair and acceptance of a marriage proposal from her OM on the "it's impossible to recover from an affair, no limit poker game." 3.5 years later, we are recovered and she is "in love" with me.
First things first. Your wife IS having a current and ongoing affair and NOTHING you do or say will "register" with her yet. A CRISIS is going to have to be precipitated before their is any movement. So you need to ADD to your "plan" that you marriage is ALREADY over and that what you are fighting for is a change to resurrect, Phoenix-like", a better, more-loving marriage from the ashes of the one that she ended.
Spine, backbone, standing on God's principles and the COVENANT of marriage are what YOU need to embrace in order to withstand the verbal and emotional onslaught that a WS caught in the throes of "THE FOG" will unleash in order to "force" you to accept her terms and desires.
Remember, there can BE no 3rd party, other than God, in a marriage or you don't have a marriage. She has already brought a 3rd party into the marriage, totally against your "permission" or "consent." So, in effect, she has used the OM to "rape" you against your will.
This "mental state" that a WS enters is often referred to as an "Alien Abduction." The person you see "looks physically like" your wife of "olden days," but the "Thing" that inhabits her and talks for her and acts for her is NOT the person you loved and married. You are fighting against "that Thing," not your wife. Consider it an "infection," if you will, that left untreated will destroy her. You love her too much to stand idly by and watch it, NOW that you KNOW what is happening. You will "do what is necessary" to see that she receives the needed treatments that can lead to a cure, but there are NO guarantees of recovery. The ONLY thing that is CERTAIN is that IF the treatment is NOT attempted (and committed to for the LONG haul needed), she WILL die, the marriage WILL die, and the "disease" will win.
I didn't like the idea of "giving up" without a fight, and I suspect from what you have written that you don't either.
I remember too well the "dark days" you are enduring right now. Some of what you are going to do is going to be very hard for you to do, but you MUST do it if the goal is to get the affair to end and recovery of your marriage to be attempted.
You have started doing some of those "tough things," so be encouraged that you starting down the right path. You MUST protect your assests and the children's assets from the "alien." They will be their for your wife, too, should she return once the alien is banished.
Do NOT agree to the separation terms in order to gain agreement to marriage counseling. Marriage Counseling WILL NOT WORK if an affair is active, and it IS. The affair must end FIRST. Marriage Counseling can, and should be, a REQUIREMENT that you establish for recovery when she finally decides to end the affair and attempt recovery.
But understand that the WS is "in control" of the affair and the BS is "in control" of the recovery. Your marriage, like mine was, is already OVER. She HAS CHOSEN that reality and has told you through her actions that "you have no say in the matter." Likewise, if she wants "back into" the marriage, she will not "dictate the terms," you will.
I know all that sounds a bit harsh and cold, but right now you have NO chance to make any Love Bank deposits or to show the fulfilment of Emotional Needs to your wife. SHE has been abducted and you must first fight and defeat that "thing" that has control of her. Foreverhers
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J.S., I urge you to see a lawyer immediately. You certainly can get 50/50 custody with nobody paying anybody. I'm not sure how usual it is, probably not very, but it is possible. In any case, you need to get your access to your kids made legal, as well as whatever support is paid to whomever. I'm still praying for you. Personally, I can't see why you'd want her back at this point.
**Formerly Stuck in Past**
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Personally, I can't see why you'd want her back at this point. I can. It's a little thing called LOVE. The fact that an alien has abducted his W is no reason to give up on trying to bring her back ... right? JS, I've been following along still I'm just not experienced enough in the areas of A(s) to provide you proper advice. I'm certainly hoping you get some good advice here. I suggest you change the subject of your thread or create a new thread summarizing things up to this point. It's hard for people to go back and read pages upon pages of posts to get caught up. If you want to change the subject of this thread go back to your very first post, edit it and change the subject line there. That will then change the subject line that shows up on the topic's page. Change the subject to something more relevant to your current sich like "My W is still in the fog. Help me get her out.". As far as Grandma I would simply respect her wishes and mention nothing to your WW. Obviously she's been talking with your W and is siding with her. Which means she's rewriting history and/or telling them things that make you sound like poor marital material. The real truth will come out some day.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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JS, whether your W or MiL see it right now or not, you are an awesome person. Remember, you're the lighthouse. Can you picture it? You're that lighthouse, a bright spot for your kids, reassurance. Today, when you're looking for a lighthouse, remember, that you are one. You have everything you need. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Any fun plans with the kids? The neighbors?
I'm sorry I keep asking this and forgetting the answer. I'll remember this time. What things do you do to feel more like yourself again? Listen to your favorite music? Tinker with the car? Go for a run?
What you are going through, anyone's biggest fear, being abandoned, uncertaintly with the kids, you're living it. And not just surviving. You're thriving! What strength in this lighthouse. After this, you can weather anything! What purpose do you think that you were called to do, that you're being strengthened for in this way. Are you a man of faith? Because from here I think the Lord has a big purpose for you, one that needs the character you're finding was always in you.
Maybe it will rub off on me if I give you a big hug ((((JS))))
Keep shining, lighthouse!
Last edited by ears_open; 09/08/06 04:06 PM.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Just finished reading this all for ya js
to bed now to let it sink in
Grandma's email looks bogus to me...I'd have called her to find out if it really was her and not WW logging into her email. Grandma has been nice to you in the recent past so it seems odd.
Remember, believe nothing a WW says and only half of what you see.
Another thought: Background check on OM and his father where the kids went to some ranch. Heck, do the whole family. In most cities/towns you may not have to even pay for it...just go to the court and search the names in the computer database. It's a matter of public record.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I don't call her anymore....will she start calling me? So many things in my situations that I haven't seen in anyone else's. I want her back. I took the kids to the highschool football game Friday night. They had a blast and called ww when they got home to tell her all about it. D7 even told ww that daddy hugged about 10 girls he went to school with. She doesn't care. She's just done with this marriage. She had kids Saturday night and Sunday night and had om over both nights. He didn't spend the night but S12 told me that "om keeps trying to be all fiendly with me." She didn't talk to me hardly at all at s12 football game Saturday. I picked up s12 from her house yesterday so we could watch the bear/packer game at neighbors house. She called and wanted to know if he was staying at her house again and I said yes. I said I will bring him over and she said "no I will come and get him." Om was over there. She brought s5 and d7 with her and d7 said "om is over there" I said "I dont want to here about it." ww was in the house with s12. I don't think anything I do will matter to her. I just don't feel good about all of this. JS <pitty party> Sorry people.....It just doesn't seem like what I'm doing is going to change things. Ignore her? I think she will be happy if I do this. I've had no EO's no LB's she's always nice to me but never says Hi or By when she comes or goes. I always say goodbye to her. Our marriage just wasn't that bad! I'm rambling but...... JS
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