I saw her this morning when she came to get the kids....I said "good morning"....she said.."morning"

What do I do now?
Send her flowers, tell her "I love you", I miss you, anything?

emotional moment I guess.

Say nothing...

You handled the exchange just fine.


Stay strong!

Thanks Fieldwalker,
My problem is that I haven't been able to show her the changes I have made because we NEVER talk.
I would like to talk to her and tell her I will not maipulate her or my kids (I haven't and I wont) but now I'm goint to the lawyers today to fight her....what kind of message does this send?

I wanted to ask her WHY, Why didn't we try to discuss this or do it together.
It's because she doesn't trust me.
She thinks.........I don't know for sure what she thinks.

Thats the problem...we never talk. She doesn't trust me.
My gut feeling is that she has told her mom and grandma that I am so controlling and a manipulative that she can't trust me.
It's just all so confusing to know what is the right thing to do.

I can talk to her without lovebusting but I haven't had the chance.
Do I just stay patient and wait? or can i start doing other things to show my changes.
I just wish she would give me an opening.

I don't see this going well or ever changing in the future.

Where am I?

JS, I am so sorry about this.

Now that you have a lawyer, could you have him do the search on Frank? He could contact your W or whomever to get the last name. You said that your S12 is uncomfortable around him, isn't always there to serve as a buffer between Frank and your daughter. I urge you to talk to your lawyer to figure out how to get your kids away from Frank, there's no good that can come to them being around them, and plenty of potential for harm. Heck S12 can't stand being around him. Have you asked him why? If you get the scoop (finally!) on Frank, mom and grandma might get a more accurate picture.

I must have written 20 posts to you like this the last month or so, but mostly I don't send them, because I never got the sense that you understood that Frank is your kids' biggest enemy here.

I'm praying for you, JS.

(((JS)))

Hey JS,

Just calling to check up on ya. Anything of interest happen this weekend?

Hey all,
Nothing to report really. Saw ww many times, friday saturday and sunday.
I was always pleasant to her and she was "ok" I guess.

I never said anything about the divorce papers and she didn't either. Saw her at S12's football game Saturday, on the way out I was walking along side her and gave her a shoulder hug and said, hows everything going?
SHe just said fine.
She sat with my neighbor and I and was ok to be around during the game. ?????

Kids came home with me and then she picked them up at about 6:00 to keep them overnight and take them to dinner.
Gave her a hug before she got in the van and she said whats that for....I just said "just a friendly hug"...have fun at dinner tonight.
S5 called me last night twice and again this morning.
When ww came over last night S5 and I were playing catch and he didn't want to go with her.
S12 thought she was bringing him back to my house after dinner but she asked him to stay and he said he would.

She called me this morning and asked about some gift money the kids had (who had what) and said she was going shopping with them.
She took them to the park to play and called me again to ask about some old lumber I have in the basement. She wanted to use it for shelves in her basement. I told her it was 2x6 and she should use 2x4's for the frame.
I also told her that if she got the premaid shelf frames I could cut some plywood for the shelves.
She said she wasn't going to do anything right now but wanted it there for when she could use it.
She kept asking are you sure you don't want it?
I reassured her I had no use for it and I told her I would bring iot upstairs and put it in the garage for her tonight.

Not much else to say....got court tomorrow morning.10:00 am

Jeff

What did your lawyer say about the D papers and the accusations therein?

Court was cancelled. My lawyer said that she was never notified of the court date?????
So I didn't have to go.

Should I call her to talk about any of this?

I wish she could talk to me but I don't think she ever will.
I can't show her any changes if she won't open the door and let me try.

What do I do?

J

I would suggest you do nothing but what you've already been doing. Certainly don't call her to discuss the apparent D proceedings. You'll end up being supportive or accomodating.

Just let this be.

What are you doing to keep yourself busy and a bit disconnected from her? It appears you see her nearly everyday at some function. She still isn't having to feel the effect of life without JS. You can co-parent your children without having to interact so much with her.

I guess the interaction part comes from me wanting to show her a (good me) as opposed to what she might think about me now.
I feel like she thinks I'm a rat, she still thinks I have been coaching my kids.
Still thinks I am a controller or whatever.
Still says she can't trust me.

GIVE ME A CHANCE WOMEN!!!!!

Her lawyer told my lawyer (the lawyers are friends) today that I should stop talking to the kids about divorce and seperation and stop talking about her.
My lawyer told him that I was doing nothing but answering the questions that the kids had as best I could.
My lawyer reminded her lawyer that the kids were 5,8 and 12 so the questions are going to be all over the place.
My lawyer also mentioned that her having om around was worse than me talking to my kids.
Her lawyer said.....and I quote..........
Are you ready for this???????

He's just a friend of hers!!!!!

I f'ing hate that word now FRIEND

What is a friend people?
Does anyone want to take a stab at that question?
Lot of definations available from different perspectives.

I will, I will.........
Ok..you over there>>>>>>the lonely looking guy.....go ahead.

Well I have a neighbor that never got married but was with his girlfriend for 15 years when she left him last year.
He always introduced her as his "friend"

Based on what I know about those two, they did have SF and did sleep together so I guess thats what a friend is. right?

Sorry for the rave but I hate that word now. I've heard her say it to everyone and I wonder how many people believe it?

J

Sorry but there is no need for a still married woman to be having male "friends" sleep over. Anyone believing that story is as misguided as the fogged woman who speaks it.

Truthfully though, unless evidence is proven, the lawyer can honestly state that that IS all it really is. Catch them holding, hands, hugging, kissing, etc and her story of this being "just a friend" falls apart. Truth is JS, she probably slept with this guy long before you even found out he existed. Having proof of that would be beneficial.

Of course I say all these things yet there's little you can do to discover or prove anything about their past. Anything discovered in the here and now will be passed off as a woman seeking a new love whilst in the process of D'ing her current H.

I think you need to relinquish control. You need to interact with her in the most minimal of ways. Your continued contact with her has only shown that you are similar to what she remembers. She won't see you for what you are working to become. That is if you truly are/were controlling.

You do need to be careful what you say to them. It will get back to her. What have you told your kids that is something you cannot prove? Have you spoken any assumptions to them or merely stated the facts based on what you know to be true? Have they overheard you having conversations with others that state these assumptions, etc.?

JS, I've got to cut this short. There is more I'd like to say so I'll try to come back to it.

JSLost- I've been following along....I am a FWW who sometimes wishes my BH was as willing as all of you...though things are much better lately...

Anyway, I just wanted to say

You are NOT fighting your wife, you are fighting the WAYWARD SPOUSE, who does not deserve the moon and the stars, and your house and kids to boot!! Fight with all your might against the WW.......

You do have a very nice looking family, your children are worth fighting for, and I second whomever said that this Frank character shoudl be kept FAR from your daughter!!

Mrs Rob,
I'm glad you posted to me, I've read a lot of your posts in the past and I'm so glad that current ww's and fww's are here to help guys like me.

You will always be welcome on my thread.
Your thoughts about my situation are very sound.

I thank you.

Jeff

Just recieved an e-mail from ww.
What would be a good response from me (based on my current situation)


Please give me your thoughts on this.
J

I think you need to have a schedule. This allowing the kids to decide where they go makes it difficult for you to have any control over your own life. I understand you want to appease your kids (and sometimes accomodate your WW) but it makes you too confined to them and what they want. Your getting tossed around. JS, you need to have some JS time. You need to start building yourself a new life. You need to find things that interest you. Even if it is something as simple as staying home by yourself to read.

I suppose you feel obligated to respond to her because that is the precedent that you've established but I think you need to get away from having to do that. To answer whenever she asks something of you. This revolving door is too convenient for her and makes you look (if not feel) like a doormat. It's too accomodating.

If you do respond keep it short.

"Thanks for the update. I'll glady take S12 tonight.".

Then start working towards establishing a schedule. The goal is to minimize your interactions with her. Explain to the kids that you are going to want to stick to a schedule. Otherwise it makes your life difficult. Then when you do have them you can put extra emphasis on how glad you are that they are there.

We just started a schedule....3,2,2
I want to take s12 every chance I can get....I'm hoping this will help my custody case.
My s5 wanted to go with me so bad last night. He was mad because he had to go to moms house again.
She has them mon tues wed. this week and I have them thursday friday and then her saturday and sunday.
Next week I get them mon, tues, wed. and so on.

I can still do whatever I want to do tonight because s12 will be next door with his best friend.

I was more interested in the part about talking about the kids or the "court stuff".
She don't want the kids to know she filed for divorce....Probably best, I guess.

Is this a good time to say I wont discuss divorce.

Jeff

I don't know. Ask around. Maybe ignore that part for now.

I'm new here, but have sort of been keeping up. This divorce thing is wierd. How could she not know the court date? Lousy lawyer or "cold feet"? Also, the part about not telling the kids. If its inevitable, why not..unless she thinks that she may change her mind. Is this divorce thing her way of testing the OM's reaction?

Nice to meet you Ben,

My lawyer was in a hurry when he told me this. He said that she was never notified by her lawyers secretary.
I did ask ww last night "did you not know you had court today"?
She said "yeah I knew but my lawyer said I didn't have to go"
She said "did you go?"
Me "no my lawyer said that I didn't have to because you were never notified".
She said "I knew there was court today but they never notified me to be there".

I don't know Bend, Only time can answer your other questions.
I'm sure she just didn't want to see me there.
I know she loves me.......theres no reason I can come up with that she couldn't love me.

Maybe I'm fooling myself but I think this all still hurts her a lot.
I've never hurt her.

Jeff

Just recieved an e-mail from ww.
What would be a good response from me (based on my current situation)


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just wanted to tell you that I put $15 on S12 and D8's lunch account. D8's was $8 negative
If you want to disscuss anything about the kids and or the court stuff, maybe we can do it by e-mail so that the kids won't know anything. I will try to check my mail often but I am so busy this week that I am not going to promiss a quick response. I'll do my best.
S12 would like to stay with you tonight if that is o.k. He is wanting to play with his friends tonight.
---------------------------------------------------------


By the way........I didn't respond to her.
She was at my house last night when i got home she waited for me to get there so I could see the kids for a little bit.
I didn't say much to her. She asked if i got her e-mail. I just said yes.
S12 went with her again last night.

I go to see my lawyer today at 3:00.

J