Make sure you tell your lawyer that she admitted knowing you had court and didn't go because her lawyer told her she didn't have to.

BB

I'll bet he already knew this but I am definately going to ask him about it.
At the time he sounded like he was unable to talk much and said we will talk about it on Thursday )today) so I'm sure he already knows about it.

Thanks Brit
J

P.S. any other legal advice?

1 Question I have for everybody.

My ww and I's 12th anniversary is next Thursday 10/19/06
What do I do about that?
Card?
Nothing?

JS

Nothing. She feels the M is over. Unless she's willing to invest in the M she gets none of the benefits of being married to you.

I will make you look needy if you send her a card and it won't have ANY effect on her right now.

My anniversary was 1 month before our seperation and I didn't acknowledge it and I'm glad I didn't since she had no respect for our M. It will mean nothing to her at this point.

Thanks guys....thats the answer I was looking for I guess.
But....I still had to ask.

Hope I read MywifeIlove and your thread at the same time and I think its best to read them together as I see where one can go one way and one can go the other.

I can't tell you how much of an inspiration you have been to me just watching you go through the different emotions that you have gone through and where your at now.

Good luck to you sir.

Mya, as always you have been with me from the very beginning with all sound advice and I thank you.

JS

Tomorrow is my 12th wedding anniversary.
10/19/1994
Were any of you fww's thinking about that (your anniversary's) when you were moved out of the house and ww?

Just curious.

Oh...and what is an exit affair?
I saw this mentioned on another thread and wondered what it was. Is it the same as a regular affair?

Js

I think an exit affair is when one spouse wants a divorce, but for whatever reason doesn't want to file. So they have an affair, fully expecting to kill the marriage and induce the BS to file for divorce. But I could be wrong.

You're quite correct, BB.

JSlost,

As for your anniversery, your best answer is stone cold silence. Any effort you put into this to let your WW know will be wasted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If you have the kids tomorrow why not take them out and celebrate the true blessing of your marriage? Your children!

Stay Strong!

Thanks for the responses, BB and WTF.

My lawyer called me a few minutes ago and said "did you forget about court today?"
I was never told I had court today.

He told me a week ago that I should try to talk to ww and see if we could come to an agreement about custody.
Well, I asked her a couple of days ago if she wanted to talk about it and she said yes we should but we hadn't talked about it yet.
So today she and her lawyer said that she didn't want shared custody.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because I just called her at work and told her I was sorry we didn't get a chance to talk about all of this and did she still want to talk about it.
She said that they are going to send us to mediation anyway.
I told her if we could work this out together then we don't have to go to mediation.
She said she wanted to talk about it too but that she didn't think we could come to a conclusion.
I said I have been honest about everything so far and she could trust me if she would just give me a chance.

I said there are a lot of things we could discuss regarding this situation but that I felt like she didn't trust me enough to talk to me.
She said she didn't trust me and I asked why.
She said because of the letter I sent out on the internet.

I wasn't sure what she was talking about and she said the letter you sent to my family and friends.

(exposure letter)
She wanted to know why I did that.
Long story short. She started getting mad and I assured her that I didn't do it to hurt her and she said that was bullchit because it was "our" business and nobody elses.

She was getting madder and madder and said she was ending the call and I told her to wait and stop getting upset.
She just wouldn't let me explain to her why.
In the end I told her that I didn't think we had a very good marriage before and I don't want that back but I wanted a great marriage if she ever decided to reconsile but I didn't think she ever would.
She just kept saying why did you send that letter.
Every answer I gave her wasn't good enough.
She thinks I did it out of spite.
I explained to her that it had nothing to do with anger and I didn't want to hurt her but i wasn't going to stand by and let her make everyone think that she left to find her way. I wanted them to know the truth. Not just her truth but the whole truth.
She said why did you have to tell my family and friends?
I said because this involves all of us. She just kept saying (louder and louder) this is our business only not anyone elses.

She said everyone thought you were a fool anyway and didn't believe it.
I said when this thing is all over you will see my real motivation behind all of this.
She said why did you do that?
I said a marriage counselor told me too.
She said oh one of those on line people or a real person live face to face person?
I said a real person told me to do this.

I said I have about a hundred pages of things I've done and said and whenever you want to see the real reason behind all of this then I will give them to you and you will see for yourself.
She just kept saying I can't trust you because of that.

I said I know that our marriage is over and I'm not going to fight you on that but I will do what is best for our kids.
She said see i can't talk to you about this.
I said you can ask me anything you want to and i will give you a straight answer evertime.
I said I'm not mad at you and I don't hate you...I now think of you as a good friend and the mother of my children and I wish for the kids sake that we could do this ourselves and not go to court for every little thing.

I know talking to her isn't any good but i can't afford to keep going back and fourth to the lawyer everytime we need to deside something but I guess thats the way its going to be.
Mediation won't do any good.
Lawyers will have to fight it all out.
This is a bunch of bull.



I never yelled at her and kept my cool and was nice the whole time. Tried to calm her down but to no avail.

I feel like a fool for even trying.

JS

This is mearly WW's justification talking. This is the "excuse" she using to push herself through the D.WE know the real reason for exposure.

With that exposeure you made Fantasy land not so much fun anymore and made it MUCH more difficult her her to intoduce "Fred" as a new "friend". Everyone will already know what "Fred" is. No seamlessly sliding him into the "family". YOU DID GOOD!



Good Job! You could tell that she was wanting to "go off" on you. She blame you for all this so she doesn't have to look at HER role in this. Classic / standard blame shifting.



No, It makes you human. We all earnestly hope that our WS's will have that epiphany moment and reemerge as our spouse and that we can reconnect with them. (Although less communication is always better with the WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)



Remember that your marriage isn't over until the final decree is signed. At any point up until then this can be turned around.

Right now you are the ONLY one fighting for this M. If you give up it is truly over! I'm hoping that you're just discourged right now.

Are you truly done? Give yourself a little time to really think that through.


Stay Strong!

I would have been extremely honest with her at this point and then cut the convo short.

"I told family and friends because I was rallying for support. We agreed you would move out but that we would continue to work on the M. Instead you found a "friend". That friend clouded your choice to work on the M. Our M wasn't given a fighting chance. You lied to me and you quit. Now that I'm trying to change and be a better H you gave up. I still hold out hope that we could have a good M. I was and am willing to do what it takes to give it a chance. If it doesn't work out fine but I feel we should have given it a chance. Revealing your R with the OM to family and friends is step one in attempting to recover our M. I know you don't like what I did but I did it for the sake of our M and our family.

I must go now. Good bye."

JS, have you given up? Are you conceeding that your M is over and that is what you now want? I don't believe it is.

When you talk to her do not say "I know our M is over." say "I know in your eyes you want our M to be over.". Unless you really want it to be over don't say you know it is. It doesn't have to be over. Make sure she understands that this decision is her alone and that you are still holding on to your M in your heart. Not out of desperation but out of love for her and the kids.

Not much time here but wanted to say that I'm still following along and reading other threads.
I will update my situation soon.

Court stuff, lawyer stuff keeping me busy.

WTF....E-Mail me please.
JS

Bumped........... for Walkingthefield,
Please e-mail me.

You've Got Mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My ww has been gone for 3 months and as you all may know she has filed for divorce.

I have done an excellent plan A, never a DJ and no AO's.
She still has zero trust in me and doesn't want to talk to me.
Everyone has told me over the past 7 months "just be patient, she will talk to you, she will talk to you and tell you everything.
Well people, I don't think she ever will. I think she will go on with her life, good or bad and never look back and if she does, I'll never know about it.

I wrote this letter and was going to e-mail it to her and then ask for your advice on it but now I think I will wait untill Monday to see if I still want to send it.

Here it is if you want to read it. It's a lot of things I've never said to her and some things I said to her last October but haven't really said any of it recently.


Just so you know, I feel really strongly about sending it to her and I may send it no matter what you tell me.

I really want some advice on what to do here.

Thoughts or suggestions on changes?
I'm not ready for plan B...not in the middle of a divorce anyway. Maybe after its final. I'm not sure.

If your still reading, thank you.
J

Hey JS,

If y0u want t0 send it, send it.

It's 0pen, l0ving and passi0nate. A deadly c0mbinati0n t0 any w0man's heart that isn't f0ggy.

What if she resp0nds negatively t0 this? H0w will y0u feel then?

~ Marsh

Why are y0u 0pp0sed t0 w0rking a plan B?

Y0ur appr0ach w/ her hasn't been w0rking thus far. Why n0t give s0mething new a try?

~ Marsh

JS,

Well despite the potential for you to ignore any advice I'll provide my opinion anyway.

While I think your heart is in the right place I don't see your words having any impact on your W. Or have you seen signs that her R with OM is wavering?

I get the impression she's more than happy to move on with Frank. I get the impression she thinks he's a good man. That he's fun and RIGHT for her. So what part of your words to do you think are really going to make a difference for her in this email? What part of it do you think is going to shake her to her core that will make her change her mind?

I guess I see this as one last, desparate attempt to try to sway her back to the R. You did say some nice things but you also tried to convince her that the R was good at some point. I think she's rewritten history and doesn't believe it was ever good. And if it was never good then what would lead her to believe a "new" R could be good? Do you see what I'm saying?

I think if she were having doubts this letter (reworded a little) might make some small dent or create further doubt for her. But right now I haven't seen evidence to that. So this email is only going to come off looking like you are needy, desparate, frantic and falling apart. None of those are attractive. She needs to see a compassionate, confident, kind, fun person. Those are attractive and those things will show her you are worthy of a 2nd chance.

I also wonder if this email won't inhibit any kind of Plan B you may be considering later on. How's it going to look if one day you say "Please just give it one more shot" and then the next day you seem to cut her out of your life? I think it will look like you are acting out of spite and anger.

I think you need to stay the course. Use the children as a mechanism for continued contact. But keep the contact minimal. Be pleasant but keep it short with her. Your only hope is that the affair will have turmoil at some point. Hopefully spending time with the kids with her present creates issues for her and loser-boy Frankie. Or hopefully his loser-boy ways will become an issue for her. Maybe he'll do something really lame (like he has in the past) and that will be an eye-opener for her.

When it appears there is a ripple in the affair waters be the consistant, confident, compassionate, pleasant and happy man. She needs to see the new you. There is a new you ... right? In my opinion that will be the catalyst that brings your W back to you. Not some desparate "Please, give us one more chance" letter. I think that may actually be counter-productive and ruin any chance you may have. Again JHMO.

Again you do what you feel you have to do but please consider what you really want and be smart about how you're going to achieve that. So far much of what you've done hasn't worked. But I believe that is because you've been too accomodating and she's taken advantage of your good nature. She needs to feel the reprocussions of her actions. She needs to know that leaving you means she doesn't get to have you and all the good that is you. She needs to know that you've changed and are a confident, compassionate, fun man who let go of any bad control issues he may have had.

PS: This letter could be construed as controlling. Some of the words make it sound like you are trying to let her know where her thinking is flawed. If you don't believe me let me know and I'll point them out from the perspective of a wayward person who is in withdrawal from you and all your controlling ways. Remember that's who you're communicating with. Not your W but an alien who has taken over her mind.

Always good to here from you Marsh,

The key word above is "that isn't foggy" well, she's foggy alright.
She probably wouldn't even mention that she got it. (fog)


Your right, my approach hasn't worked thats why I wrote the letter but I won't send it....see Myalias' letter above.
I'm not opposed to plan B at all....I just have a lot of plan A left in me.

I"M doing GREAT.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />..well, most of the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I will post an update here in the next couple of days detailing a little of what has transpired recently and as you will see that I can now do a plan B much better than I could have before.
I prefer to wait until things settle down with her and her lawyer before I make to many waves….if ya know what I mean. Lol


JS