Weaver has it...inviting isn't controlling...just as saying "I'm not excited about that. Can we think of something for all of us to do?"

All the things he has called you are his...not yours. Be truthful with yourself...honesty is what has being missing between both of you, I think...and what will save your marriage.

He can feel controlled...when you are being honest...be honest, anyway.

He can feel pressured or pushed when you share your thoughts; share your thoughts, anyway.

He can hear demand when you state your desires; state them, anyway.

He can perceive or believe you are being selfish when you are sharing your feelings; share those feelings, anyway.

I don't repeat because you aren't getting it--I feel all of them are important and profound. That's me. They were for me. To know how much I caused my OWN pain by lying by omission; how much resentment I swam in by "Whatever you want, dear" pains me to this day...and I don't do it anymore.

Authentically you...for you, about your standards and boundaries, respectful and KNOWING what is his is his...listen and repeat...really know what you're hearing and not assuming...will free you from this cycle. I swear by it.

LA

Reading along here is helping me as well LA, just as a FYI.

Communication is so difficult and trying to overcome bad habits that have become automatic is very, very difficult.

I read an article over on ILOVEULOVE.com called "Creative Communicating" last night (again), and this is right along those same lines.

The author says everyone sees through their own uniquely tainted lenses...everyone. And that we all project onto the other persons words meaning which in most cases is very wrong from what the person means.

Thank you, you are helping me as well as quite a few others beside Respectful I would bet.

Weaver...good to know and thank you for the FYI.

I need all I can get.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will read over there today (ILOVEULOVE.com)...isn't that where 2Long hangs or something?

That tainted lense...or our personal filter...is uniquely tainted...purifying your filter, best you can, to be aware of your filter works helps a great deal. Not perfectly, just healthier. And I think projection is a misused tool...we use it automatically (as it was used on us)...but what a great insight into what we are thinking, feeling and believing when we can't get there directly!

Like a signal, when in use.

"Caution, Projection In Use. Lead Jacket Advised."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Helping you is like pay back. Reading you has helped me over the years...nice for me to know I can contribute to that a debt, a little.

LA

Post deleted by Detached_Care

Thank you LA.

Yes, 2long (among others) hangs out there, and there is a wealth of knowledge on that site. I go there when I am in a bad mental place and read on forgiveness. It sure helps.

Perhaps I should read there more, more people could take off their "lead jacket" if I did, that is for sure! LOL

The only other thing I can think of is to use "the benefit of the doubt".

Give him the benefit of the doubt. We are taught to do this with employees and almost always they end up proving us right...when we give them the benefit of the doubt or when we don't.

We want the good results so we assume the benefit of the doubt in their favor.

Harder to do in your personal life when a certain dynamic has taken root, but it can be done if we try.

There is also the 90/10 factor, and I can't remember how it goes, maybe someone else does.

Something about assuming that 90% of the time people don't mean the hurtful things they say or do. So the 10% of the times that they do can be overlooked, because of the other 90% of the time they mean well.

I can't remember how it goes, but it really helped me when I was working with a bunch of women and things would get a little nasty... before I was boss at my office that is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That is very interesting about the trip, and how it was all a misunderstanding. Very interesting!

Post deleted by Detached_Care

From my view, he was trying to be helpful as the clothes would dry a lot faster ourside...

and he did move them from the balconey to the chairs after you mentioned the hotel may not like them strung out on the balconey, which is probably correct.

Respectful, give him the benefit of the doubt...he was trying to help, he did hear you and moved them.

If you were with a girlfriend you would have both laughed about how you looked like the Beverly Hillbillies, and then let it go.

It seems a little petty Respectful to sit and stew over this.

You are on vacation, try to lighten up, joke around a bit...bring some laughter into the equation...

Have some fun!...and see where it leads. For you and for him, try to let go of the resentment for the length of the vacation view everything he does as if he is a valued friend, in the best of light.

Remember, the benefit of the doubt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know what would be cool to try is when the clothes dry go out and get them and say "Wow, these dried a lot faster outside than they would have in the bathroom! And they really smell good too!"

Could you do that and see what happens?

Weaver, you're so sensible!

Respectful, try it - even if you're not surprised afterward, he will be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When life hands you lemons, you probably still shouldn't try to make lemonade in a broken washing machine.

I just want to add that if you can't actually give him the benefit of the doubt, act as if you give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to pretend, just for now.

Isn't he still actively involved in his A? If so, this vacation is a wonderful chance for Plan A/reminding him of how nice it is to have a family.

I know you have talked about a marriage of convenience, but if the A is on or continues, are you open to doing Plan B?

Post deleted by Detached_Care

What if it could be better than it was before?

Respectful...

Back from vacation and wondering what you're wondering about.

I'm full of wonder, huh?

LA