I recently found out that my exH is getting married next month. (I posted an update a couple weeks ago.) Until I found this out, I didn't think about him that much anymore, and felt like I was doing fairly well, with the bitterness and hurt fading away.
Since I found out that he is getting remarried, so soon, and to a woman that really turned out to be the OW, I find myself feeling bitter and angry all over again.
I feel bitter because he discarded me, and threw me aside for someone else. I feel bitter because the way the last couple years of our marriage went, with him having not one, but two female "best friends", who I later discovered were really OWs, and of whom one will soon be his wife - my poor resulting choice when he wouldn't drop these women as friends was to be unfaithful to him. This was my VERY poor choice, and isn't excusable, and I have spent years struggling with the guilt associated with these actions. However, I don't think I would've been unfaithful and sought the attention of someone else if these other two women hadn't come into the picture.
I feel somewhat like I have a scarlet letter hidden under my clothing, that the chances of me dating and having another man fall in love with me, once I'm honest and up front about the fact that my marriage ended in part due to my infidelity, are slim to none.
I haven't had any luck dating in the 2.5 years since my divorce. At most usually I go out on 1 or 2 dates with someone, and then they or I are no longer interested (and I haven't even disclosed the reason for my divorce at this point). I was seeing one fellow last summer for a few months, but we kept it at friendship because I found out his divorce wasn't final yet, and my comfort level for dating someone who wasn't completely single was low, especially after my exH was dating while I was trying to rebuild our marriage.
I'm not sure if I'm making a lot of sense here, but what I'm trying to get at is that I am frustrated with how I can't seem to shake thoughts of bitterness about the fact that my exH is getting remarried, bitterness that he and this woman get to go on with their lives in what was once our house, and yet I can't seem to meet anyone. It's not for lack of trying, I belong to a run club, I've tried online dating, and I'm playing in a co-ed summer sports league as well.
I know that I'd sooner be happy and healthy alone than in a relationship just for the sake of being in one, but lately I am sick of being single, and this combined with finding out that my ex is getting remarried, combined with losing my father suddenly a handful of months ago has left me at less than my best. It also probably doesn't help that I have a few friends who are recently engaged as well.
I know that there are many people in the world who have it way worse than me, that are suffering from poverty, illness, loss of loved ones, or living with war. I have my health, goof friends, a good job, etc. But I still feel frustrated with where I'm at in life, and simply sad too much of the time. Lately, I prefer to sleep for long hours rather than doing things that need to be done, or be alert and keep having bitter, angry, and sad thoughts.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to shake the bitterness? How to feel more optimistic about my future? I just feel so ripped off when I look around at happy couples and happy families, and can't seem to meet anyone.
Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
