OMG....I think I'm in shock and I handled the situation gracefully, with respect, and thankfulness.

DH called...I was at the store this morning picking up drinks for the office...He said "Do you remember what you asked me to do months ago?"

I said "I'm not sure what he was talking about." I was thinking MC to be honest.

He said "Well, I didn't do a letter but I called her. If you check the cell phone bill you will see several calls because I kept getting hung up on and you know how I am when I have something to say."

He said that he had seen her several times in the past and he knew that he needed to do this but it was hard for him.

I said that I appreciated him telling me and if he wanted to talk about it later we could.

He said "no offense, but he was having some adult feeling right now, and it would take a little time for him to get over it...it may take days, hours, or it may be this afternoon."

He said that he had been trying to work up the courage to call me and let me know this morning that he had done this, and if I was going to be mad I was going to be mad.

I thanked him for calling me and letting me know, and said that it warmed my heart. I said that I appreciated it again and hoped that he had a good day. I said I would see him for lunch, and that I loved him.

He said he loved me too and we hung up.

Can you imagine, I'm in a grocery store in the middle of the drink isle with people around me...

Well, I will not bring up the issue, he needs time to process this, and I suspect there will be some withdrawal...he did say he was hurt... and i can't imagine her hanging up on him helped...I feel for his lose...he sounded so devastated...

Last night, he told me supper was good...I don't know the last time he's done that...before supper I whispered in his ear that I appreciated him being so concerned about me eye and bounced of like a kid to fix him plate...

Believe me...I'm holding tight to a few things right now...I'm in a safe place...it didn't even bother me that he has seen her a few times when I thought there had been NC...I was/am just grateful that he was O&H. It must have been hard for him to deal with his male pride...like he's said before...

Something I've said or done or have become must have affected him...I wonder if I'm in shock right now or if this is really me with no anger...just acceptance of his truth...

He's not one to face something this difficult...I know it took a lot of courage for him to face OW and then call me and let me know that he had requested NC from her...

I'll wait, ask no questions, and give him the space and time that he needs...

Rinderella,

I hope a new day is dawning chere! I agree with you that the honesty and openess NOW is more important than the past lapses....IF....he can now maintain NC. What accountability measures might the two of you put in place to help him with that?

In the drink aisle huh? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm very happy for you chere.

We get what we thirst for most...

Yeah, I'm corney today.

Deal with it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thank you so much for the laugh...

Star...I'm not sure right now about the measures...I think I need a little more information from DH...he had ended contact with cell phones...I can onlt think that he was seeing her at the convenient store where he gets coffee at in the morning or stops to get a drink in the afternoons sometimes...I will wait until he's ready to talk...I'm sure he has a lot to deal with right now...

LA-To think I was waiting for words of wisdom...a good job...that's what I get for expecting LOL...I'll have to work on that some more...LOL

I hope that I'm dealing with this good...I was shocked that I could Thank him and when the words...in warms my heart came out of my mouth...I thought I just said that didn't I...I think that a great measure of who I've become versus who I was (responsing with anger...not recogizing the O&H).

I am proud of him for his actions this morning but I am also proud of myself for handling the situation like I did...

...I'm fearful that my patience won't withstand the time he needs...I'll have to keep myself in check...a task I think may be easier then I fear...

...A model of good behavior? ME?

I can't believe I am soooo calm...you guys know this hasn't been in my nature...What's changed?

I think you've changed the enmeshment, Rin...no longer does all his choices define you...JMO.

"I'm fearful that my patience won't withstand the time he needs...I'll have to keep myself in check...a task I think may be easier then I fear...

...A model of good behavior? ME?"

Knowing you're fearful is different...knowing it without reacting to it...learning patience...not dwelling on this thoughts, but your own. Maybe keeping your focus in check?

Self-congratulate, don't doubt or bash. You acted instead of reacted. You WERE authentically grateful for his O&H...and yes, your fear jumped up, believing there was no contact.

Small steps.

As Star said...what kind of accountability measures?

I would imagine waiting to find out his choice of contact would add into what measures you both can POJA.

You managing your own stuff is awesome. Not managing his will reinforce that, don't you think?

LA

"As Star said...what kind of accountability measures?"

"What accountability measures might the two of you put in place to help him with that? "

Can you please give me some examples...my mind must be blank this morning...

I think my first question to DH when the time comes would be when he was seeing her...he didn't have a lot of time that I didn't know where he was...I can't make him stop going to that store...I can request that he stops going there because it hurts my feelings because that is where the A began.

I exposed to the manager, I'll call her P, at the store the last time I found out there was contact. I don't know if that helped or not. I'm sure that P told her co-worker, they like to gossip there. It's not a DJ, just stating my truth from what I've seen and heard.

Baby steps...I have no anxiety over the fact that he has been seeing her...that's one of the reasons I'm shocked...

I am shocked that DH called and requested NC...but I think I'm more shocked at the way I handled myself...

baby steps from here...other than accountability...is there something else I should be thinking about...to I guess form a plan of action?

I think this was a GIANT step for him! He took a leap of faith not knowing how you would handle what he was going to say. Congratulations! You provided him w/ a safe environment. You've just boosted trust in your relationship. Thats a nice brick to rebuild a foundation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Great news Rin. I've never posted to you directly before but that is awesome.

Thanks InADaze...I don't want to get my hopes up right now...I figure I'll just deal with today...

Do you have any experience with what I'm dealing with today?

Or anyone else for that matter, I'm concerned that I was not involved in the NC call or letter like is recommended here.

Yes I do have experience with pretty much same scenario 3 or 4 different times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hate to put a damper on your good news so I won't go into more detail unless you want me to.

My advice from my own experience would be to get complete transparency immediately. If he's not willing then you need to question that. I still don't have complete transparency from my H so I don't know that I'm the best to give advice. But I do have more than I ever had any of those other times.

Also trust your gut. Think about signs you saw that made you question your H's faithfulness and honesty. Don't discount those signs, watch for them now. Again if you see them question them. I don't see any of the signs that were glaringly obvious before. None of them are present now. H is truly a different man than he was when he was in the A. I can even tell you the days he's having it rough b/c I will see glimpses of the WH.

Hope this helps some.

I want to be prepared for the worse...I don't think I'm ready fro that information just yet...I would like to know more from DH, but just you mentioning that helps!

It helps greatly...I don't want to blind myself with hope...

I want to be prepared for a false recovery, if that doesn't happen all the better for be...

:::hands together, and bowwing head::: Thank you!

You and your H still live together right? That will definately help. I never insisted on my H moving back home until I wrote the plan b letter it was one of my conditions. If I could go back that would be the one thing I would change, I would have insisted on H moving home, actually if I would have found this site sooner I would never have asked him to move out to begin with.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Rin,

Well when your head clears and you are ready to deal with it then he must write a NC letter to her.

You are trusting your H at his word right now. Has he earned that trust from you yet? I am not saying he is not being honest with you. I am saying that you should only trust a person as much as they have earned that trust from you.

Do not get in a tizzy about it deal with it in a calm matter and just tell him you need for him to write a NC letter and then follow up with NC for the rest of his life.

No calls to her to tell her.

Again I am not saying he is being dishonest but this could certainly cause him to go back into withdrawl and that is not good for you.

All the best

Thanks HL, that's kind of what I was wondering about. I feel that I need something concrete for me.

I had a little time at lunch to think before picking DH up. I know exactly what I want to say so far which is:

"It did hurt me that you were having contact with OW when I thought there was none, but the fact that you were open and honest means more to me."

It a thought I must convey! I guess the rest I need to think about.

Asking for a NC letter again, well, I need to gather the courage first and not be afraid to speak and say that I need something concrete. As we have seen if I push to much he rebels. I have mentioned in two conversation that I can think of right now that we are meant to rebel against our parents to back away from them, not our spouses and that I believe in rebelling against your spouse is meant to harm them.

I stopped pulling for the letter what? over a month ago, six weeks...he calls and requested NC...

Still I think I need more information from DH...soon enough...he may be on the right path for him now...I am.

Difference is b/t DH and I: I have a great support team! He doesn't, from talking with his mom, they believe that what happens in the family stays in the family...

Doesn't that say alot?

Rin,

There are certain physical, concrete things each person needs to really start recovery.

For me it was an honest account of what happened during my wifes vacation. For many reasons. Most importantly so we could truly deal with the issues.

For you it is a NC letter. You will probably have a very hard time in recovery without that.

It is part of the compensation you are owed to feel secure.

I will say you are a better person then I because if my FWW had contact I would have said, No Contact means no contact. I am now putting this car in park. I feel like I should be putting it into reverse. It will not go back into drive again until there is a NC letter sent to FOW.

From that day on I expect NC.

I love you very much but contact hurts me and our M and our Recovery.

I'm really going to have to think in regards to the NC letter.

"I will say you are a better person then I..."

No DJing yourself on my thread buddy...I won't allow it! LOL

Not better...different...I realize I was dealing with PA behavior here when I discussed with him on 7/13 the cell phone calls he was making...if I got worked up about renewed contact what would it have said about me?

To me it would have said I haven't changed...I'm still the same person I was...the one that flies off the handle, gets worked up, and reacts...repeating the same behavior I have...not forward motion there...forward motion is hearing the bad things accepting them and focusing on the positive...that's a change in pattern...

We already know Dh was expecting the worst...part of the reason the call was so hard to begin with...he said it...he expected me to react...not act on my own accord...and say Thank you for being able to push your pride aside, knowing that he was going to hurt me and still be open and honest...

That's a big step in my book given his past behavior...14 years...this man hasn't owned up to something of this magnitude ...I felt he should be rewarded for his courage...

Whatever happens from here...it's different...he's never called me in the past four months and said OH, I talked with OW today. Not once...he's getting there...he's got his own baby steps to take...

This is the first big change that I've seen...I'm holding tight to the memory...it might be the only thing good I can recognize for a while...

Not I know what it means to stand still...to let him catch up...I can wait...

We had a great lunch together today...I even made him laugh...new memories, those are mine...I feel like I can Plan A with a renewed heart and I'm ready for a rough ride...

Not a DJ it is reality.LOL.

I think you handled it well that was my point.

So take me out of it and you did good.

Creating a safe environment for him is good. You are right it leads to that O & H you need. You passed the test he can be that and not get in trouble.

Good luck on the NC letter.

Oh, he's in trouble...has been for a while and he knows it...LOL... He sees that he's not dealing with the same woman...this is a woman who went to a lawyer...i wouldn't have done that...he played on my fear of him leaving me...he knew I was scare of that...that's why it was so important to me that I stand up and say to him "I'm not scare of you anymore."

"Creating a safe environment for him is good."

I'm glad you pointed that out because I think in order to create a safe environment for him, I had to be safe with myself!

I think I've had some good opportunities present themselves to me that I had to be safe with myself in order to move forward. What's LA say...trust yourself...

HL- I wanted to say Thank you for letting me post my thoughts...by writing them it became a little clearer to me...

Oh, and I needed that compliment too about handling myself. I really needed that support from you...I admire your thought process as well as many others here...

From that post, I got to see a large picture of my our life and how H and I are doing...kind of like what HB was asking me to do with the list yesterday.