Oh, ChaCha, that's wonderful! I've been asking for a pet Wh won't let! We live on a major road in our town and can't fence in the yard completely because of it. I didn't think about it but it's to met that need for affection. I get it from the boys every once and a while, but there boys...what can I expect?

I'm reading on the rules now trying to figure out how to work them into out life...give him a list...be a model...Lord knows he doesn't want to hear about it...

Oh, the questions you want to know is pretty much the same ones I have...I don't need the mushy stuff...I really want very badly to be in a position that neither one of us will do something so terrible again. Not to worried about myself...but WH, well, he's VERY friendly!

Well, I have to go pick him up....hurray...fake it until you make it!

Can we say a little tension...I picked WH up for lunch and didn't stay a word when he got into the car...WH asked "What's wrong with you?" (The typical question, I get when I'm quiet.)

I explained that I was a little edgy today and didn't trust my tone or the words that would come out of my mouth.

Now, if I were to deduct from his tone...I would deduct that he was not happy and on the defensive. I would also feel that he was even more unhappy when I didn't order anything for lunch. However, since I didn't do any of that, I made polite conversation about his job and my job.

He said he sensed that I didn't want to go to the bike rally coming up. I said I'm trying to find a sitter to care for the kids. If that not possible I guess you can go by yourself, at least one of us will have some experience going to one. (I'm not all that happy with going but it's RC time with him...one of his needs! I'm sure I'll have fun when I get there.)

So, we talked about this a little. He's already trying to make plans in case we don't get to go, of course, I wasn't asked if I wanted to go to this rally, nor have I been asked what I would want to do given we don't go to it!

Then, the subject was turned towards supper. Not good...I was/am (not sure) going to cook some lamb tonight. Well, come to find out, WH doesn't like like and to be honest, I'm not sure why I thought he did. So, I got frustrated because what I was trying to plan a meal he wouldn't eat. Of course, WH says cook the lamb if you want the lamb...I can find something else. I was quiet.

WH asked what I was thinking...I said I don't think I'm being understood...I enjoy cooking a good meal that everyone likes and hearing Thank you like you said the other night. I use to hate cooking because it was no fun just cooking for me. I only cook for WH and I anyway, the kids don't eat what we eat, so what's the point of cooking for me? When I want to be selfish and eat what I want because I want it...I'll cook it but until then I've like to hear some positive feedback on my cooking.

Tension...I felt some...don't know if he did...

We've got open house tonight...I might just suggest eating out! I can cook the [email]d@mn[/email] lamb Thurs when he's out for bike night!

Sorry lunch wasn't so great.

I've been reading the 4 rules today...I'm getting so much out of it... a renewed hope. With the example I see in the book w/ Greg and Sue it was/is so us...just reversed sort of.

1)Protection...avoid being the cause of spouse's unhappiness

2)Care...meet your spouses most important EN

3)Time....spend undivided attention meeting EN

4)Honesty....open & honest w/ spouse.

Seems easy right? Huh! We are once again rowing the same boat. How do we get FWS to follow the rules when they don't know about them and aren't interested in learning about them?

My FWH hates what he calls "Dr. Phil psycho babble" he doesn't need a book to tell him how he should feel. So I figure for now I follow the rules the best I can. The main thing is #1 stop being spouses cause of unhappiness. The biggest thing that made me unhappy was A! Hopefully thats over.

Has your FWH done the EN questionaire? Would he? His needs are probably different than yours. If you don't know what his needs are and he doesn't know what your needs are...its like putting a bandaid on a cut on your arm when your leg is broke. Its not going to fix the major problem.

Its tough w/ small kids.
Spending time together is a biggie...can you trade childcare time w/ GN? You mentioned something about a camper. Is that something you guys might do? We bought a RV last year.( FWH current residence) We travelled cross country. Taking weekend trips is great to get away.Great way to start new memories. Most campsites have children's programs so you get time alone even when you take the kids with you.

Hey, Rin.

I'm a little side tracked and self-absorbed these days, so I haven't been keeping up very well. Sorry. I'm a little confused about the exact thing that's bothering you with your H right now .... is it the NC call(s) with OW and him not sharing the contents? Is there more that I'm missing? Sorry, I know you've explained, I'm just not tracking very well....

I am glad that you were doing a little better this morning. Have you thought about calling your doc and talking about all the problems the AD change has caused? You seem much more unsettled and quick-mooded (I'm making up words here...). That doesn't seem good, and waking up angry or sad on a regular basis is going to make your days pretty tough.


"I picked WH up for lunch and didn't stay a word when he got into the car..."

Why not? Was it punishment, like the silent treatment? Or just didn't have anything to say? What kinds of things do you usually talk about when you pick him up for lunch? Could you have come out and said how you were feeling, instead of just being quiet?

"Now, if I were to deduct from his tone...I would deduct that he was not happy and on the defensive. I would also feel that he was even more unhappy when I didn't order anything for lunch. However, since I didn't do any of that, I made polite conversation about his job and my job."

Sure sounds like you were deducting from his tone .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Could you have asked? "Hon, you seem unhappy, is there something bothering you?"

And did you not order lunch because you just weren't hungry, or because you wanted him to notice that you're not happy?

"I wasn't asked if I wanted to go to this rally, nor have I been asked what I would want to do given we don't go to it!"

Do you have to wait to be asked? Can you just tell him while he's talking about plans? "I'm feeling a little unsure about this rally, but I'm wiling to try it." "If the rally doesn't happen, I'd really like to try ..... instead. What do you think?"

"Of course, WH says cook the lamb if you want the lamb...I can find something else. I was quiet."

Why be quiet? Arent' we supposed to be learning to be O&H? "I'd much rather cook something that we both will enjoy, I feel good when you compliment my cooking."


I don't know, maybe I'm wattering things down too much. You just seem much more on-edge than normal. Can you figure out where the core, underlying feeling of tension is coming from? Is it really about what to cook for dinner or gong to a bike rally? Or is it going back to the phone calls? Or something else?

Any chance it might be the change in the meds?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh at all, I really don't mean it that way. I'm on your side!

-AmI.

I was wondering if perhaps you and I could write a simple, brief maybe one line or two behind each one. Actually the one I'm having trouble with is protection.

What I'm wanting to do, since I know WH is not interested in hearing or learning about this is to say to him: This is what I'm following to make day to day more pleasant for us. I know you haven't been interested but I have posted the rules I'm following on the bathroom mirror (we have two) in case you change your mind or are interested.

This would be there in case he wants to look at it and serve as a daily reminder for me.

Being that the rule of portection has DR, AO, and SD. The DS still have me in awe. I understand no assumption, no imposing my own opinion, and I try hard not to do this. However, it's still a cause for confusion with me.


No, to both, but we talked about the five languages of love and I read the questions and he answered them. So, I know that his is QT with words of affirmation second. As least it give me something to work with.


Sometimes we do trade some time, we've been pretty consistent about getting a sitter on the weekends. We don't spend a lot of time alone together...usually with friends...not my choice. I know that this is a DJ but I think he has always used others as a distraction. I take that back I would say the last few years.

We would like to purchase a camper/toy hauler in the future.

The problem with the LAbor day weekend trip, you must be 18 and older. No kids allowed. I offered my cousin $50 to watch them Sat. Sun. and Mon. until we get back. She's trying to save for a car and would welcome staying at my house for the weekend to get away from her parents. The decision is just up in the air right now.

Well, I'm going to start reading again at selfish demands when I get the chance.

I really appreciate your advice to re-read this info. It really is helping. I was starting to feel like I see a deadend sign up ahead.

I'm also trying to let him know about my moods right now, so that he doesn't think I'm mad at him, or anything of that sort.

Oh, I decided that since tonight is open House...we're eating out...no need in me stressing about defrosting something else or what to cook! Solved, WH agreed. I TMed him earlier. I don't think he knows how much time I think about prepareing supper. It's important to me that I cook things that everyone likes, or at least WH and I like. OS will eat with us sometimes...YS never!

We do love camping...we use to go to Ft. Picken in FL alot. Hurricane Katrine took out the camper we would use...it was a friend of ours...LOL...as soon as we would get to the camper site, all time pieces would come off and we wouldn't put them back on until we were ready to leave or after we got home. It was great! LOL I miss that!

Oh, AmI, we were posting at the same time. I'll reply as soon as I can.

I can say now that I didn't eat because and I told WH that I'm trying to eat only when hungry right now. I've gained 14 pounds from comfort eating, night eating...bad, I know, but I'm trying to break the cycle.

Oh, I also meant to tell you that I'm jealous of your routing abilities. I've always thought it would be fun to work with wood and make creative, beautiful things. Yours must be amazing to have so many people clammoring for them. I'm impressed!


And eating only when you're hungry???? I've never heard of such a dreadful thing. I think that's got to be some kind of eating disorder or something ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-AmI. <------- was just on my way to the vending machine for a chocolate fix. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL...My dad's sign was the first I've ever made...yesterday was the second time I've used it...LOL

Thank you so much! LOL I'll have to see about MAYBE posting a picture.

:::holding up a banner that says...

Rinderella Vs. HN...It was a ROUT!:::

Way to go, Rin!! That's you being thoroughly you, to your own code. What a heroine you are. Inspiring. And with a power tool, no less.

That's is FEARING and acting anyway, woman. Way to go.

I haven't caught up on all the posts on your thread...I know you are doing great...even when you aren't feeling great.

Good to remember. And thank you for posting on AmI's paging me thread...felt wonderful to be cared for. Remind me that I can be doing great without feeling it, 'k?

LA

OMG...OMG....

Can't write about it now...but wait to you hear the story...okay just a piece...I left WH on the side of the road and he walked home (only about two blocks). Then, I went to Olive Garden...don't worry he ended up joining me...We're good!

Tell you the rest tomorrow...HN's involved! Go FIGURE!

WHAT?????

You can't leave us hanging like this ....

Oh, I can't wait to hear this story!!!

LA-Thanks so much for the compliment! That's just ME...you're right!

Okay, here goes! I'm having CPU problems at home and hae have 7 virus from websites that my cousin and boyfriend went to. I've been working on the problem for three days now! Almost finished!

Alright, Wh and I go to Open house last night. I got the GN to watch the kids. Well, of course, we meet in the cafertia, and on the way to the classroom WH gets a call. The calls from HN saying what he thought was her vehicle was stuck in the grass/mud/whatever and that she was outside could he come see. Wh said he'd be back.

So, I'm sitting there learning to the teacher when my cell rings. It's WH saying he's going to the house to get his truck. I waited for him to walk in the classroom the whole time with HN (her D is in the class too, yuck). Teacher finished talking and we all ask our questions, no WH and HN, so I walk out side and HN is walking towards the school entrance. I'm standing by WH's truck and she calls out Thank you S!

So I ask what happen? HN wasn't stuck, someone else was! I said "that great you just missed your son's open house, for HN and someone you didn't know. I said had I been the one that was stuck, I would have left my car there and dealt with it afterwards because my kids are most important. WH said well, not everyone thinks like that. We were both calm.

I got in his truck and he drove my to my car. WH said it was blocked in so he rode with HN to pick up his truck. I was a little upset, but I wasn't going to let it ruin the night (we were going to dinner). He was mad when I got out of the truck. I followed him to the house, remind you, I'm calm.

WH gets in the car and he was really pissy. I said "See that's one of the reason why I love you because you're so good hearted!" I said HN was the same way. I was trying to be positive. I was trying to help change the atmoshpere so that we could enjoy the night. My tone of voice was on an even keel, and I did a great job of thinking and not feelings.

WH asked "Why I was so upset about the situation?" HE was really angry at this point. I said because once again you have let HN pull you away from you're priorities.

So, I'm driving ove rthe bridge headed toward the other side of town with a ton of places to eat at. I ask WH, "So where do you want to eat?" With a really [email]cr@ppy[/email] tone, he said he didn't care. I said if that the case then I can pick Subway. (HE hates Subway!) He said that was fine.

Well, I would do that to him, so I turned to drive back over the bridge. He asked where I was going I said "Whataburger!" He said that was fine too. So, I was dressed really nice, and I started taking my jewerly off. He said "If I was going to be in a bad mood all night that I could just pull over somewhere and he could walk home." I said "I wasn't in a bad mood!

WH said "I can't tell!" So, I pulled over an let him out! Before he closed the door I said that I was fine! I left! Never would I have ever done something lke that before, I would have continued in the situation! I didn't even feel bad about it. I felt like I had done the right thing.

I drove to the store, bought a pack of smokes, talked to the friend I had behind the counter. Told her what just happened, she said sounds like HN's in love with him! I said that's already been determined, but I wasn't about to let WH or HN ruin my night. I told her I was going to Olive Garden to eat. She said "Good for you!"

WEll, I get to the parking lot and before going in I called WH. He didn't answer his cell, so I left a voice message saying "HI, just wanted to call and check on you, see if you were still mad, and to let you know that I'm at Olive Garden. If you would like to join me I would appreciate the company, if not, I understand. If you want me to bring you something to eat just give me a call. Talk to you later. Bye!"


Twenty minutes later, he calls and asks if I was still there. I said yeah! Wh said okay I'm on my way. I said "Good, appetizer just got here! I'll save you some stuffed mushroom and some calamaria. I know you would eat the zucchini."

I was sitting at the bar when he walked in and you could tell that he was still a little something, but I picked up my mood from okay to better. I talked enthusiastically about about work and what I saw earlier that day at my boss's house (Their remodeling.), etc.

Next thing, I know, WH is talkative again. He rode his bike there, so after dinner we met at the house. On the way home GN called and wanted to know if we were okay. I explained what had happened, the whole situation, and I was pulling into the driveway and walking across to get the kids. She said she would have been mad too had her H missed the open house thing too for something like that.

So, I put the kids to bed, WH and I chit chat, and Wh goes into the bedroom to read a little. He's got 10 pages left in his book, so when I walked in there with mine, i just sat on the bed. Guess who wanted to share info out of their book...yeap...Wh was telling my it was a good book and basically it was about how bikers should always be respectful. I let him talk and he said something about the book and I cracked a joke. He laughed!

Then, I had SAA in hand, and said that I was just trying to brush up on some rules. I read the four said I was having trouble with protection, particular DJs. I asked if he was going to finish his book tonight. Since he said no, I said that I wouldn't read either and we went to sleep.

JMO, but I think I did a great job of controlling myself and ending something that could have lasted all night!

Alright, I'm ready! What you guys/gals think?

OH, BTW, I slept pretty good last night and woke up in a good mood this morning. Last night was the first full dose of new med; I had to do a half a dose this past week.

So, I'm going to keep an eye on that, but last night and today's all good!

It's funny on the way to Olive Garden last night I was thinking about the stages of M. LOL I thought well, we're in Conflict...I've got two choices...withdrawal (not an option for me anymore) or intimacy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, I'm trying to more toward door #2! ANd the prize is...

Rin,

Can you practice something for me?

WH says: "You're in a bad mood!"

Rin says: "Don't define my feelings, please. They are mine. Can you rephrase what you mean?"

Getting distracted...are, too...am not...you lose what your perspective in his...and believe, I've been doing this myself...clarify yourself to yourself. Issue isn't my mood...it is WH attempting to state something about HIM...in relation to what he perceives in you.

Entangled stuff.

I'm delighted to hear you slept last night!! Yes, sleep-deprivation can crash your world...as you well know...so keep at that, Rin...you seem very aware of your medication and your body.

I think the more you aren't reactive, the less your WH will DJ your moods (what he perceives)...sounds like he fears a whole lot of stuff not in your control. And he really wants you to be his oracle, too--telling him the immediate future instead of truly stating what he's thinking. I think that will come in time. You've changed so much already...calm! Calm! How cool are ya, Rin?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Hi Rin...I'm glad your night ended on a good note.

I am totally not liking HN...she sounds like trouble, like she would manipulate any opportunity to have contact with YOUR spouse.Why didn't she call her own H to help out? But your FWH doesn't see it. Don't let her make you out to be a shrew. I don't think your FWH would like it very much if say a male coworker he did not like or trust called you and you went running to his aid. As you progress in recovery I think you guys need to POJA about HN.

Oh, wow.
What a night you had. I can't imagine pulling over and letting him out!! WOW!

And then him coming to dinner with you, that's great. Wow.


Yesterday there was a thing about him asking you why you were in a bad mood, too ... you said you were being quiet. Are you sharing with him how you're really feeling, doing the O&H statements, or trying to get him to read your mind? It seems like he's trying to interpret your mood a lot, maybe that's an old pattern for him?

HA! I am so slow at posting, everyone already beat me to it.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OMG!!!!!

That was absolutely fabulous!!!!

I wish I had the guts to do that on some occasions. I know it would have made a hugh difference.

BTW I would have been ticked off too.

It has always intrigued me because my FWW is the exact same way. She does something that would bother almost every human being on the planet then doesn't get why I am upset. LOL. What usually would happen after this is she would say "You aren't mad at me are you? Because you have no right to be mad. I was trying to help someone out." Then stupid HL would say "You wouldn't be upset?" She would then say "NO".

Now I say yes I am upset instead of asking her if she would be. That is the big difference here. It is also why I believe we don't have an honest and open M. Even when she does something that would infuriate her she denies that she would even be a little upset. LOL. Come to find out when I have done some of those things after I thought it was ok she was infuriated. LOL. OOPS sorry honey you told me that doing that was ok.

He was wrong!!!!! I am sorry but I have a conference I need to go to. I will be there for an hour. I will check with my W and see if I can help you after the conference because we have dinner plans.

Make sure you tell him you are not mad that he was helpful just that he could have done it afterwards. Her getting unstuck didn't matter until after the conference anyway. Then to find out it was someone else that was stuck. A stranger. They certainly could have waited.

Just a thought for you because sometimes my FWW and your H seem to have a lot in common.

This may be his mask. Such a great guy to the outside world how could Rin have any issues with him. Well my FWW being a great person to the outside world means I got less. He took away from you and your family to prove he was a great guy. My FWW does the same exact thing. Oh so and so needs a ride home from work because her car broke down. She thinks FWW is great. I am upset because we had plans too.

LA- That's exactly on the same lines I was thinking. Actually, kind of the same lesson with HN. Both of them telling ME what I was thinking, feeling, and believing. I said it "I'm NOT in a bad mood!" but WH kept at it. I put him out becasue I wasn't going to listen to him telling ME what I was feeling. I guess I have to prove it to him, although he had the choice to sit in the car or get out. I sure didn't tell him to get out.

Yes, ma'am, I will practice! I will learn me lesson! SHould I write it a 1000 times or is this just a repeat after me...LOL...it's not multipule choice...

AmI- "Are you sharing with him how you're really feeling, doing the O&H statements, or trying to get him to read your mind? It seems like he's trying to interpret your mood a lot, maybe that's an old pattern for him?"

Here's a mouth full! Yesterday at lunch was my only quiet time...I didn't trust myself to speak...althought when he asked I did say that I was edgy. I love drive-by of O&H.

WE have an old pattern of this...I am trying hard not to read his mood...I'm trying to ask questions about what I see as for as mood wise. I just have to wait for him to catch up and I think by practicing what LA said will help in the process.

HL-"This may be his mask. Such a great guy to the outside world how could Rin have any issues with him. Well my FWW being a great person to the outside world means I got less. He took away from you and your family to prove he was a great guy. My FWW does the same exact thing. Oh so and so needs a ride home from work because her car broke down. She thinks FWW is great. I am upset because we had plans too. "

This is one of mu compliants. We are just the HAPPIEST couples with NO problems. He's a wonderful guy...will do anything to HELP out someone...and will be pissy about it later! Well, I did this but so and so can't even to do! Not all the time, but some! It's part of the deciet with the whole situation of me actually going out of the driveways...making me seem better than I am...I want to be exactly who I am, where I am...not some lie. Don't make me better than I am...I can't live up to those expectaion anymore. Oh, the comments, I got during exposure about how perfect we seems, WH always talked about how wonderful I was, and he just NEVER seemed like the person that would do something like that!

Reality! WOW! Not just for me but everyone who knew us! It was a great game he was playing! Now, let's see if WH can find out who he really is.

Translation- LOOK HOW GREAT I AM. LOL.

All I know is this. Take that energy that is spent doing those things and put it into me or our M. What you will get is a very, very happy H.

Spend four hours not running around for the neighbor but doing things for us. Make sure the kids homework is done. Take out something for dinner. (for me to cook). Make sure everything you should have done in that four hours is done. So when I get home you are not playing catch up and exhausted by the time the kids get to bed.

Now I am selfish. I want/need for that energy to be put into us. If she has to forgo doing anything for anyone to get this M on track that is what she should do. If helping the N means less for me then don't do it. If it doesn't take away from me feel free.

In other words take it out of your time, not mine or ours.