LMAO....entirely too funny...I thought about the lyrics also and it was wrote by Gov. Jimmie Davis of LA recorded in 1940. I didn't know that until today...I cheated and copied and pasted the lyrics from the site. LOL

Oh, I've got a little story for you...my half-sister TMed me at lunch asking if she could bring her BF next week when she comes stays for my niece's surgery (to close tiny perferationS in her heart). I TMed back after asking H what he thought, we're not comfortable with stranger staying with us.

She didn't write back, so I thought about it and I TMed her back "are you D?"

She wrote "not yet, waiting 4 time 2 pass 2 file. ok I understand." Then, "Dad likes him. he actually sat down n talked 2 dustin."

All I could think of was "That's nice." Then later "We're not trying to judge u and we love u."

She wrote back "Luv yall 2. it'd be okay if yall were. I'm use to it."

I replied "no, it's no okay besides you're my sister."

Her H has a drug problem and can't really keep a job, they have three kids and this is their second time M to each other. She's 26 years old.

LA, I have never felt bashed, I just don't know how to describe it! LOL

Hi, all, we're still doing good...we went to a friend's house last night and kept the kids out until 10pm. Needless to say that we didn't eat until we got home, H apologized to all of us for keeping us out so late as soon as we entered the door. I was grateful for it because I was a little upset and as sson as he said it I was fine.

I talked with my SM last night in reguards to my half S. SHe said just b/c dad talked to the guy didn't mean that he liked him. I said I was just trying to find out what was going on. SM said she thinks my HS is crazy and doesn't know what she is doing.

I told her I was suprised that my HS would even ask permission for her BF to come stay with us knowing that I'm fighting Infideity in my our life. I don't talk to my SH very much, shot any of them really. No real reason, their just not people to pick up the phone...I think I call them more just to check in from time to time. I think that has to do with not being raised with them...I love them all just the same and would do whatever I can to help them out.

I just can't condone what she's doing right now. Is that wrong?

Nope. Did you read about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I almost fell on my butt laughing.

Angelina said they did not engage in SF until after the D was final. However the child they have together if you count back 9 month's was conceived before the D from Jennifer was done.

Well she meant from the time they filed. I think that gave them exactly 9 months. LOL. So it looks like the very first time they had SF she got preganant.

You know someone keeps saying that it is an A until the D is complete. I used to think that if you are separated waiting on the rubber stamp then you are really done.

Now I wonder. I wonder if more people didn't date separated people if they might go back to their S.

I know your HS has problems with the stbxh but if for no other reason then dealing with her own she shouldn't be dating.

I know that if my FWW and I got a D I would want to see an IC to figure out my part in it so I don't get right back into the same dynamic with another person.

Infidelity has touched your life. For me it would be a trigger to see someone else doing it. It would also be hard for me to condone it under my roof knowing the damage it can and will cause.

Glad all is going well for you.

Thanks, HL, I was just wondering if I was thinking wrong. I didn't think I was.

I happen to wonder the same thing about people dating while separated...especially being around here and knowing the facts that I know...I mean think about believer sitch...WH wanting to come back now?

Anyway, H has a vacation day scheduled for tomorrow and I'm working a half day. H said that there's something he wants to do for me before we leave to go whereever we are going...no decision yet...I'm excited to have a surprise!

Hey, Rin.

I absolutely agree. In fact, we're facing something similar with my SIL ... Dating a guy right now even though her divorce is not final. We've als recently found out that he is a realllly bad guy to be dating, anyway.

Has anyone said anything to your sister about this? I'm just curious, I am considering saying something to my SIL, but am afraid she will consider it a racial attack, since he is of another race (which her family has a HUGE problem with), instead of the whole adultery angle, which REALLY bothers me, and his criminal history, which really worries me.

Have you thought about talking to her and being up-front about it?

-AmI.

HI, AmI...

I will be seeing her this coming week. My niece's surgery is in New Orleans and they will be staying with me as it stands now! I will say something to her. Now, I like my BIL, regardless of the drugs and stuff. I wish he would be better by my HS and her kids but I can't make him. My HS has a history of poor choices. She started running away from home at 14, pregnant at 16, like her mom... then M'ed BIL, then D'ed him...dated this other guy, thought she was PG for him...he could have been her Dad...reM'ed BIL and here they are with a new 9 month old baby.

I'm not sure who the second one is for...the guy she was dating was suppose to be fixed...

When I talked with my stepmom she said she didn't know who would be bring my HS over here because of vehicles not running right and she may not be able to get off. So, plans are I guess up in the air, especially if the BF was going to bring her. I think my HS has a history of using guys until she can't stand them anymore then moving on. JMO!

She's also strange to me...so is my HB. Wierd!

Hi everyone...just wanted to let you all kow that H and I will be going to Liberty, Tx for a biker rally maybe with a friend.

I called H about fifteen or twenty minutes ago and asked what he was up too. H said nothing by I could tel he was at HN's house. I just asked him to check him meds before we left. Well, now, I'm feeling a little, I don't know, lump in my throat, a little I guess anxiety...

What's up with that? H and I can talk about her and I don't feel anything, only have good thoughts about her, but I find that he's there and I start feeling like this...What gives? Was it that he didn't tell me where he was or is it just her? I don't know and it's bothering me...

I do know that I have been really happy without her in my life! I told H that if the babysitter wanted to take the kids over there that was fine. I know she misses the kids.

Rin,

Normal feelings I think.

I kinda had a similar sitch as you.

We had a neighbor that was older. I could tell she was a user. My FWW would end up going grocery shopping for her, pick up her medicine, took her granddaughter to school and picked her up.

I wasn't upset that she did them in theory, I was upset because it took away her time and energy that I wanted devoted to me.

There were weeks where she spent 20-30 hours running around for this woman. No joke. Wow if that 20-30 hours was channeled into what I needed and wanted I would be happy as a pig in oh well you know.

After the A it really became bothersome to me. So much so that I actually went to the neighbors and told her so. I said what my FWW is doing for you interfers in our M. I am not saying she can't help you but could you be more considerate of her time. I don't want her going to the pharmacy 3 times a week for you. I think once is enough if you plan it well. How freaking hard it is to get all of them called in at once?

My FWW would actually bolt out of the door at 7:30 because the pharmacy closed at 8 and the neighbor forgot a prescription. This is after my FWW had already been there earlier that day.

It never stoppped bothering me. Well guess what after me not picking up any slack for her when she did this she finally started telling the neigbor she couldn't tonight.

Eventually the neighbor found someone else to do it for her. The kicker is that the new person got more consideration then my FWW did.

Now this person is not really in our life. Partly because once my FWW stopped doing everything the neighbor had no need for her.

See I think if your H stopped being at her beck and call she would need someone else and then would have no use for him.

The way I look at it is simple. If it bothers you then it is an obstacle in your M and R. Why not remove all of the obstacles you can?

Have a great weekend. Remember short skirts and bikes don't mix.

LOL- Thanks for the laugh.

H hasn't done anything for her since the school thing with the strange being stuck. I'm sure he just walked over there to talk. H still talks to her from time to time...like last night he called her to let her know that we were going to park our truck and trailer in her driveway until we got back.

I think my biggest worry is HN asking H questions about us and trying to meddle again. I have always worried about the two of them (H and HN) talking about our M. I mean I already think it's a one sided EA on her part, and H says he's would never be interested in her like that and has explained. I completely have faith in him on that on...his words "she's to much drama."

But is it that (HN) or the fact he said he was doing nothing and was there...

Well, I feel a little better... I just picked up the phone and TMed H asking if he was still over there. H called me and said NO. SO, I explained the lump and he asked why. I said that I didn't know if it was him not saying that he was there or if I it was because I was worried they were talking about our M. He said they weren't.

So I asked if he told her about the sitter brings them to see her and he said yes. Then we chitchatted about packing.

I still have the lump but that bad feeling is going away.

If you read my other post here is what I think brought about the difference in our M and R.

It is the circle of influence that she had around her. The old circle placed the blame for everything squarely on my shoulders. I think it was hard for her to see her part because everyone she included was on her side. Even if in all reality they would never be like that if the tables were turned. In other words if I was the bad guy in our sitch but if the tables were turned I would be the bad guy.

Her new circle of influence (mainly her sponser and friends from AA) now call her to task. Not oh he got mad at you again for the A. What an idiot. Now it is oh he got mad at you again for the A what brought that about. Oh you just told him something he didn't know? Well wouldn't you be upset? Yes you would so what are you going to do? No longer do they just validate her feelings without knowing the whole sitch.

You see the HN is a bad influence on your H. Even if it is a one sided EA it is wrong. IMVHO.

You have a great weekend. Drink some tea and try to get that lump out.

Thanks HL...

I do see her as a bad influence. You are very right! Well, I'm leaving in a few minutes. Thanks SOOOOOO much for the help. I will have a great weekend! You do the same!

I know you need the rest before next week, wow, all the great things that are in store for you! LOL I'm just picking! Be good or be good at it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to get back to you so late, Rin...work before a three-day weekend is its usual frantic pace...

If you're already gone, I'm thinking of you, in my prayers...

As far as HS situation...I believe you handled it beautifully...like you put yourself in the situation as if she were OW, and you, her relative, and that you do not approve or condone of her actions...find them the lesser of her choices and know she is worthy of much better choices.

Have faith in those who appear faithless and lost...I was one of them. I swear to you, all humans can change...grow...learn and end up thriving...our pasts do not brand us...poor choices are just that...and the more aware of our choices, the better we make them...and stop seeing as them making us, instead.

Hope you're having a marvelous time already...full of closeness...and you ROCK for being O&H about the lumpy feeling, your awareness of it and your search to find where it was coming from...

YES!!! Pat yourself on the back...just not while on the back of the bike, Rin.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Have a great weekend, Rin!
My IL's were going to a bike rally this weekend, too, but I just heard that theirs got closed down! So they're going camping instead.

Great job of being O&H about the lump in your throat and the neighbor. You're so inspiring!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

Hi guys! Good morning!

Well, H and I had a super great weekend together. we got back yesterday about 4:30pm and that's when he)) started.

HN talked to my babysitter, who was nice enough to bring the kids over there to visit with her because she missed them, and told her everything that was going on at my house and the problems that H and I are going through. HN told her some pretty personal stuff about us and told her the problem she had with me and said that we were using her.

The babysitter, 17 yrs. old, tried to get away from the conversation but HN had her tired up for 30 minutes. Then, H went to checked to make sure everything was clean in HN's backyard from the kids playing over there. Well, HN caught H and gave him a piece of her mind (LOL). H came back to the house and said he was about ready to tell that B**** off. H said that was a great welcome home.

Well, later last night, I was looking for a patch for his motorcycle vest and I found a Valentine's card from OW. I confronted H about it. He didn't even remember he had it. I was shaking so badly. Valentine's our anniversary! I had a few questions for him about whether or not he bought her a card. He said No, he didn't buy her a card.

I asked what did you buy her, he said nothing. I went throw the card in the trash. I should have cut it up because he took it out of the trash right after I put it in there. I went to the trash to throw something else away and saw that the card was not in the side of the trash can.

So, almost hysterical, I walked into the living room and asked him if he took it out. I was shaking so badly and he didn't answer. I said it again, and he asked why I was yelling at him. I lowered my voice and don't remember what I said really, something about you have no idea what I'm feeling right now.

I ended up walking outside and trying to calm myself down. After a few minutes I went inside and sat on the sofa and then decided to sew the patch on his vest that we did have. I was soooo upset. After I finished that I sat back on the sofa and then went run some bath water. I was in the bedroom looking for my journal, which I still can't find and H came stand at the door. He asked if this was what it was going to be like everytime that I found out something he forgot.

I said (Thanks HL) "well, you don't trust me with the truth and I don't trust you to tell me the truth so everytime I find out something on my our, yes, I was going to react." I told him he wouldn't tell me what happened and of course he said he didn't understand why it was so important that I know that it was his life, not mine. I said that anything he did affect not only his life but mine as well, that his life was my life.

So, I asked about Valentine's day and asked again if he bought her a card. He repeated no, he didn't buy her a card. I said what did you but her, he said nothing. I said well, apparently you say her in order to get it, did you see her that day, he said yes, that afternoon. I said so you spend the day with her (he was sick at home that day), he said no, I spend the day putting that swing together. (it was my present.)

I must have said something about I didn't understand why he wanted to keep it when he knew it hurt me so bad. He said he wanted to keep it to remind him of a mistake he made.

That statement hit me hard, I said I wish you would have said that in the beginning., so I asked so that's why you want to keep the card and the keychain to remind you of the mistake you made? He replied with his head lowered, yes.

I sai that it made it easier on me knowing that and I calmed down inside a little. He had asked at some point there after if I was going to keep bring this up or something like that. I said no, because I didn't want to do to him what he did to me...he made a face and asked what he had done to me. I said everytime OM would call here I would call you immediately after, tell you everything that was said.

I would ask if OM had called you and you would say something about me having slept with him. I told him that he did that to me almost everything time and I would do things like that to insure that H would know I would never do anything like that again. We were talking quitly at this point and that ended the conversation there.

Later, when he was walked in the bathroom, I told him that he was protective of another OW, who he slept with b/f M and still talked and wrote letters to after we were M, letters and cards then, and remind him that we were M at the time. I didn't say it but I wanted to remind him of the P.O. box that he had rented without my knowledge and when I found the key, he said it was a friend of his. So, I had a letter that he wrote to her that he didn't get to send with a picture of our son and the last one of the family's dog before he died. I was upset about it at the time and took it.

I walked into the living room and said I guess it's about time that I give you this. He asked what it was and took the picture but didn't touch the letter. I said I guess you forgot to mail it. He never took it and I put it back in it's 8 year old hiding spot under a drawer in my jewerly box. It would fall out from time to time and remind me that it was there. He was just "friends" with her too. It was just an EA after we got M, they slept together one time before M.

Well, I don't think I was hashing things out. I was trying to make a point about the things he did to me and the things he didn't remember doing. I overlooked so much over the years, things he said when he was mad...he even admitted not remembering what he says when he's mad.

The night ended well enough. My heart's aching but the inital blow isn't there anymore. I stopped shaking once I was asleep, and I woke up at 1 and went crawled on the sofa. I hurt so bad last night that I could cry, my voice would crack but I couldn't cry. Today, if I thought about it, I could.

Outside of all of that, we had a wonderful weekend, it was like the A never existed! ANd we were only gone a few days and it felt like a week to the two of us.

So, where do I go from here? I vowed to myside last night that should an A happen again...I'm gone. Third strike...that's it!

Hey, Rin.

Glad you had a great time at the bike Rally! My IL's tried to go to one in Durango, Colorado ... and I guess teh day before the rally, a judge decided they couldn't have it there, and they litterally locked the gates of the town so no one could get in! I can't imagine how much money that cost somebody -- I'm sure it was not cheap!

Anyway, I'm glad YOUR rally went off without a hitch and you guys had a chance to have fun together.

The V-Day card trigger sounds pretty upsetting. But I think you did a nice job of standing up for yourself, stating your felings. That's really good!

It seems like you have a lot of "back history" that is also coming up to plague you. I really don't know how you deal with things like that -- have you thought about that? Maybe a MC could help you with those issues?

One book I read once suggested only bringing up issues/arguments durings specified time each week -- maybe a couple times a week, but it was a specific meeting. The idea was that then neither of you have to worry about getting blind-sided by things, or "always bringing things up". Then you're free to enjoy the rest of your time together because you know you will get the issue addressed, but you also know that you're not going to get hammered with issues every time you turn around.

Do you think that your H would go for something like that? I'm not even sure if it's great advice, since it might curtail some of the in-the-moment O&H .... just a thought though that might help?

-AmI.

Rin,

Sorry about the blow up.

You know my FWW wanted to keep things from her trip. Not necessarily the A but her trip. Each one was a trigger for me that led me back to one place. The A.

She of course wanted to keep a lot of the stuff. Somehow she could differentiate going to the beach that day with he sister then a few hours later going out with OM.

Finally we had a confrontation much like yours when I was triggered. I said I will take ownership of my feelings when I see something you got from your trip. It hurts me!!!! That hurt pretty much turns to anger immediately because you own keeping things that remind me of that trip.

If you want to keep those momento's then be prepared for me to get hurt then angry when I run across them.

One of those things were pictures she took on her trip. When she came home she rushed down got them developed, took out pictures of OM and destroyed the negatives. So the only pictures left were of the rest of her trip.

She asked me why it bothered me. I said when I see those pictures I think about what other pictures were on those rolls of film that you had to destroy all of the negatives.

Her statement was well those pictures aren't in there. Yes but seeing them makes me think of what was destroyed.

She kept them. Fine you want to keep triggers around then deal with my reaction. I am not going to hide my hurt.

She had outfits, sand from the beach, pictures etc. All of which made me think about that trip. When I thought about that trip I thought about her A. When I thought about her A I was upset. When it went back to the fact she could have destroyed all of the triggers she could but didn't I was angry.

Sometimes I think they keep things to prove to themselves it wasn't as bad as we make it out to be. Letting him hold on to it might be validating it. IE what's the big deal if she sent me a VD card and I sent her one.

If I were you and it triggered me I would let him know the cycle that seeing those things cause you. Let him know what the consequences are. Even if they are just yours and respectfully ask him to go through everything and destroy any remnants of the A.

Even if he wants to keep them as a reminder not to do it again. If he needs those things as reminder something is wrong.

Thanks for your response HL. You have always been there for me.

I did tell H that it really hurt me that he's choosing to keep it. H had actually hid it and had forgotten about it. I was in the spare room looking through some of his stuff because I had seen the patch somewhere. Well, it was in a folder with some membership stuff at the very back and now that he has the card he has hidden it again. As long as I don't see it, I'm fine! And if I find it, it's gone! I will deal with it without a word to him and not think twice.

I don't understand how something that is hidden is going to remind you of something that you did wrong?

On the HN sitch, H and I are agreeing that not matter what we say or do, I'm the enermy in the way of her getting to him. H still says there is NO WAY that he could be with her. H stated that HN is a pretty girl when she dresses up but her personality is horrible.

See the thing was that we knew she missed the kids, so we thought well the BabyS can bring them over and HN can visit with them. Well, HN told H that I was using her. That HN wasn't good enough to bring the kids over when H was home, but she was good enough to bring the kids over when H and I were out of town.

I'm thinking that I'm going to leave the sitch alone and H is already seeing what I've been seeing and he'll handle it himself. He was so ready to tell her off yesterday.

It's like you guys said no matter what I do or say it doesn't matter...I was living by my code and letting the kids go over there knowing that they have no part in this and HN turns it into something else. Well, the kids will not be going over there and I don't think that H will be visiting without her H there because HN said that I was keeping him away.

H said that he wasn't going over there because he gets off work at 7pm and he's doing stuff for himself. HN said "well you're riding your motorcycle on Thurs." H said "that's right and I'm going to continue too." I don't know if anything else was said but I know that I don't have to do anything...it will take care of itself. HN is H's problem now not mine.

Outside of that, H and I are doing well, he called me sweetie this weekend and at lunch babygirl. He looks soooo sexy in his vest without a shirt on! WOW, BABY! Believe me, I told him and I showed him! We had a great time and made some new friends. We had ALOT of QT and DID NOT do any R talk. It was wonderful! I really enjoyed myself.

I guess part of the reason why last night shook me so bad...our little world had stopped for the weekend and reality hit! LOL How cruel! LOL

Well you are a better person then I. LOL.

One of my biggest things was to get rid of triggers. I did not want to accidently stumble across anything that she kept that would remind me of that time in our lives.

I told her she tried to do her best job to destroy any thing that might get her caught out but not to destroy things that might cause me pain.

Now again I always ask this question because what might be ok for me and my FWW might not be ok for you and your H. What do you think his reaction would be if the roles were reversed? If he found something from the OM? Do you think he would be ok with you keeping it?

The biggest problem in my M is my FWW's boundries and standards do not align. It is ok for her to keep stuff but not me. It isn't a big deal if she does something but it is when I do the same thing.

If he would take issue with you keeping a card from your A partner then why is he keeping it?

I can tell you I have been exactly where you are now. A great weekend followed by getting back to reality then boom something like the card happens. Double whammy, settling into reality and then a quick reminder of what the reality is.

I am glad he is seeing the HN for what she is. Good on that front at least. She is not a friend to your M.

"If he found something from the OM? Do you think he would be ok with you keeping it?"

TBH, I don't think he cares! He has a blue drinking glass that was OM's. H likes drinking out of it. I don't see the point in asking a hypothetical question to him either. You know flipping it, I don't think I would get a true answer and I've never had the sitch turned around.

Yeah, I think I'm just going to sit back and watch this HN sitch unfold.