This was MY life and I'm trying to change it for ME!

Just wanted to share!

I think this is going to be a great experience! After having read all I could, I'll be getting my LA fix all the time. Who knew this is really what you've been teaching me!

There are angels on earth! Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just stopped by to say hi and give you a hug. (((((Rin)))))
Why?...because you are you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yep, ((((Rin)))) it's awesome that you're enjoying life, too!

Thank you so much, the both of you!

I feeling great today...just me, myself, and I! LMAO

I feeling extremely confident about going tomorrow night!

I want on my break a little while ago and I was thinking about the A. Didn't get me down but I think I understand a whole lot better when OP say "It's was about him and not you!"

And I'm not really worried (today) LOL...about what the future holds for my M...is that weird at this point?

I'm JUST having such a great day and nothing special has happened...it's just an origin day...but it's been great!

I've got the best group of friends anyone could ask for!

(((((Rin)))))

Keep it up. Maybe some of your good feelings will rub off on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

RX, you better watch out...I'm infectish...LOL...Is that a word?

LA- I just made it to chapter 6. SO far so good, emotionally well. I don't see a fear of autonomy, but I have said that I have been told his biggest fear is losing me. I'm not sure how that fits in there, if it does.

I see a major lack of initiative, and of course, sins of omission. Thus far, I understand that I have to present choices, and let him know that he has choices. When he says that he has forgotten, I can substitute the words didn't want to when applicable, but it's basically finding a balance?

Can you offer any insight into the passive side of this? Perhaps how I can effectivily deal with sitchs?

ROFL at RX's post...because of your quote, Rin...

::lifting my tea::: Here's to RX knowing he's already Rin's equal in every way...to knowing he's whole, lovable, valuable and worthy...without a word spoken or an action taken!!

:::gulping:::

Rin...Rin...can you see how your light shines when you don't hide it...from us or yourself?

"wanting to add to my resources to be all I can be."

May I amend my desire for you (which is for everyone, including myself)..."wanting to add to your resources so you can recognize all you already are."

Now...please tell me, EO & Rin...what was it about doing the Villager's exercise that left more of this fear of judgment inside you instead of halving it? Now I'm fearful...so I'm asking, anyway.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As HTBH says...GROUP HUG!!!

(((((CHACHA,ROGUE,HL,AMI,RIN,EO))))

LA

Rin,

Consider losing you is losing his best reflection of himself...I say this because that was my DH's and my own fear...if I live externally, reflected by others, to get to my own self (which is what your quote from the book was)...then losing the reflection equates to being erased, wiped out, not existing, being annihilated.

The more you go inside, Rin, and find all your fears...how much your fear of the unknown, what it signals, what emotions it gives you, the closer you will understand P/A behaviors...and their false payoffs. It is living a reflected life...tenuous, full of attempts to control, to control how they are reflected, and keeping their mirror in their life.

The more you get to that inside you, the more you will understand...and embrace yourself, your marriage and your FWH...with acceptance. Better the boundaries, the better the marriage. Radical honesty. Those four rules...following them, about you and what you want...not in getting him to do his part...but in you, recognizing he is half...how much he matters, less of what he does or doesn't...and then you'll have your freezer in the backyard...maybe a mirror put up from a passing comment made...new screens on windows...a mural in your guest room...all from NOT SDing, judging, measuring or evaluating...obsessing on what is not in your control...which is him.

LA

Alright LA...I have to admit I was a little slow on that one, but naughty, naughty! ROFLMAO

RX, watch out for that one (LA)! Perhaps you can name what "it" is next time! LMAO And I'll try not to be soo infectious...LMAO

OMG! Okay! LMAO....HAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I'm better!

I needed a real good laugh! I went to give DH his supper, passed by "the store", and AmI's sitch with Taco Bell hit me hard...triggering a lot of memories...I had been trying to break up H's A for so long...They would meet for lunch occassional, right out in public...Burger King...she wouldn't eat...he would. It's just been a long time!


hummmm...I need a review...uhhh, I'm not good at learning my lesson the first time around... :::SHHHhh! I'm trying to get out of a jam...I've been taking lessons from WSs! SHHHhhh!:::

To be honest, my main fear was of the unknown...since that has subsided I can't get an answer about the fear of being judged...I'm separate but equal...I never thought about it before now, I mean why I would be fearful in the first place. That fear was small in comparision to the unknown.

:::Light bulb:::DING!:::

So, being afraid of the unknown, and wanting to know what to expect would be: Could it be ME trying to control things? Are just ME gathering information to be more comfortable?

I'm big on gathering and being informed...H has said that I sometimes obsess about things and to sorry worrying...

This is just me thinking out loud trying to figure some of this out!

Oh, freezer's still outside today...it's ready to come in...was yesterday...

How do I get it back in? Well, I'm falling asleep while typing and I still have things to do in the kitchen

Let FWH know you finished..."I did the freezer!" leave a note on the fridge...'cuz you did.

Would you consider you have a childhood belief that if you can predict the future (enough information, planning, prepartion, knowledge and wisdom...mix well and let it set) you will be safe?

And the adult Rin knows all she can know right now...is just what she knows right now...no predicting the unknown...it's why we call it unknown...only where she is today, where's she been...and she lives through...no erasure or annihilation...so odds are, she'll live through tomorrow, too...unknown becomes known every single moment of each day.

One day at a time.

God's design...not to fear, but to trust...did you know the more we choose to trust, the more we feel trusted?

Hmmm.

Villagers...what was unknown with you was still yours...all you did was discover...embrace...accept and know more...

And stop acting from your fear of what you don't know now...'cuz you've proven, you'll know more, later...

Sleep well, sweet Rin...and your infecticious laughter, expansive spirit, for being a gift to the universe...because you are.

LA

Perfectionist-wanting to be accepted, loved, and admired, fear of failure; not living up to my own expections, self-image!

I think this was the main villager that needs to be cut in half.

I was reviewing the villageres thread and going over all of my character traits and when I hit this one; I knew this is the one that haunts me the most.


No, I've had to think hard about this one, which led me back to the villagers thread.

Hence, gathering information, trying to be perpared...I don't know what I would do if I didn't do this.

It would be unnatual for me not to educate myself in this fashion. I guess the main point would be living through the fear because it is unfounded and just doing whatever it is.

Come to think about it, I think it would be similar to something you said about your DH and you on AmI's thread yesterday. I am the one judging myself and projecting those thoughts onto OP. I am more scared of me failing and not living up to my own expectation than I am of OP judging me.

It's my own negative self talk it seems and the way I calm myself is to gather information and be prepared.

I enjoyed reviewing my villagers and was surprised at the things that I wrote. Was in awe that "I" wrote that!

Thank you, Rin, for reviewing the Villagers thread...when I saw your "to be cut in half" I choked a bit.

Whoa.

Embracing all of you...knowing where that deep need to predict what you cannot came from...what's under your compulsion to do and seeing how this villager was created by you from loving yourself, and fearing greatly...not to be cut in half, cut out, gotten rid of...to know, understand, accept and appreciate...

How about picking what you educate yourself on? Buying a bike, sending your child to school, work...things about facts, information...but people? Can you educate, prepare and plan from what you learn from people? Fluid, not cement...acting from truths today on tomorrow...experiencing lifetimes when you only live one...

What we get rid of is our false stuff...false image (that we created), false payoffs (which we believed), false truths (lies we tell ourselves)...which is encapsulated in the desire to "get real." Can you see this time-travelling villager as one who protected you from the present, from reality? This ia an old, old villager, created when you were so little, and the world was full of judgment, expectations and measuring...fearful place. As an adult, not really that world, is it? Unless it's in you, like you said, being projected on others...to alert you that on the inside, you fear you're living in the same world...

when you can't be...you're not five years old...though we feel it at times...everyone has changed, everything...because you have.

False calm is not peace...it's distracting a child from someone crossing their boundaries by saying, "Look over there!" excitedly. You can see where we do this...distract to soothe...instead of acknowledge and understand.

Sounds to me like you have anxiety...my DH experiences an anxious life and cannot determine where the anxiety is coming from...can't trace it. You're not alone, nor is he...set your heart to desire knowing and accepting yourself all the way through...to find what you feel, then what you believe...no judgment, lots of fear...and doing it anyway, bit by bit...with that massive love and affection inside you...turned ON you...full force...today. In the present.

You are not crazy or wrong...you are Rin. You are complete...no perfecting required...make a mantra for yourself to say five times a day..."I am loved." Tomorrow, say five times over the course of the day, "I am lovable." These are facts your actions have told your self aren't true, over and over again...and when you think of it, say, "I am."

This tells your self-talk you have a new script, new desires...not to be protected, but to exist, know truth and not live from fear. Slowly and consistently, your self-talk with not be your powerful driving force...but a whisper...and these mantras will help heal self.

Fears...founded or unfounded...proving fears...funny how often I proved my own fears through sneaky, under my own radar actions...brought them to me...to prove I should fear...trusting God, yourself and other humans is built on NOT proving fears true...it is built on deciding how you want to live (free) and acting from that belief.

Your sweet, loving, fearful villager...fear of failure...is there to keep you from trying at all...secretly, intimately, urging, whispering and cajoling you...plan more, know more...which tells self the other side of the message...you don't know enough, aren't enough, you're ignorant....OUCH.

Find all the dual messages in what looks like shining, perfect sense...To know them...so you can choose with full knowledge and not a narrow one.

(((Rin)))

LA

I started this post before you posted to me, so I just added to it.


Is there another exercise like the villagers thread that we are all participate in?


You mention halving it and I thought cut it in half! Misinterruption, sorry! LOL

I understand that I can't rid myself of these traits...they are mine...I'm cool with that! It's finding the dual messages, now there's a changelle! Seems pretty advanced...


No, then I would be filling my head with preconceived notations or someone else's perceptive. That's not what I try to do.


Yes, I can remember my SF saying if you're going to do it, do it right the first time. This is something that I tell me son. I explain that it ensures that we don't create double work for ourselves. Then again, my son's not dealing with a drunk abuser, so there's the difference.

Do you know I had to drive my SF home one time becuase he was so drunk, and he let me...didn't have a driver's license and boy my mom was angry when she found out. I was 15, and had drove onlt a few times during the summer when my real dad was teaching me. I got home and they wouldn't continue my education. I didn't get my license until I was 19 with DH, then BF. Funny!


Here, present! PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder...thing is I do get a little anxious but I haven't felt that weight on my shoulder in a while...like there's something wrong in the world and I can't put my finger on what it is...I don't know what is it or why I feel that way...I can remember my first panic attack...

SCARY!

I understand that this is a journey and by no means am I in a hurry, but perhaps there's something else that can help me on this journey?

I'm still a little nervous about going tonight but I am looking forward to it. I reminded DH that I would be going tonight and explained that it's a reinforcement to what I've been learning. Although I did not ask and I should have, he appeared to be a little uncomfortable with my decision to go but at the same time seems fine with it. Of course, it doesn't bother me if he is uncomfortable, I guess that's why I didn't ask, because it doesn't matter what he thinks, it's for me.

Is that disrespectful? not caring what he thinks about me going?

I still think he's got some fog going on...but that doesn't matter either.

What is that saying? Is that the differentiation I've been looking for? Knowing where I begin and DH ends?

Well, I've said enough this morning!

Rin,

Wake up and smell the coffee. He is starting to see the changes in you and he likes them.

What you are seeing is effort in and effort out. That is a good thing. Every little step is getting closer to your end destination.

When I first started reading your thread it was one step forward and two steps back. Then one step forward and one step back. Now it seems to be two steps forward and everyonce in a while one step back.

You are coming to a point IMVHO your H is losing his justifications for his actions. They are fading and he now seems to see that you are a great W. He is putting down the boxing gloves and hugging you instead.

The freezer is a perfect example. He did it because he now wants to please you. He wants/needs the things you have been giving him. The admiration, respect etc with the understanding he needs to respect you and your boundries.

There now seems to be a corolation in his mind. If I do what Rin asks good things will be returned. If I don't do what Rin asks she doesn't go haywire but I may not get the things I want as much.

BTW besides Al Anon there are specific groups for Adult children of alchoholics.

Read this. It fits me to a T.

http://www.recovery.org/acoa/characteristics.html

OKay, sorry but I have to admit that was not a present...today...comment from me. I was thinking of our last R conversation which did not go well, but then again, until I get that listen and repeat thing down pat, I'll won't have a good R talk.

Since last night when I passed by "the store" I have been having alot of the WH comments in my head. The ones that they use to justify their actions. How do you just let those comments go?

You mentioned FWW's justification in your thread, and since they have been in my head, I was just wondering.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not using them as negative feedback, but the simple fact that he said those things hurt. I don't have time to obsess about them anymore. I've learned a lot since then.


I see man! I see! I am! I am lovable! I am loved!

[quote]I was going to say something about the future but it's not worth it either...LOL

Hum...I'm getting there!

OH, HL! That website was so WOW! I don't have an alcoholic in my life now, but I've got some interesting behaviors going on! It was very insightful, I never thought SF's drinking would have affected me like that. SF did help raise me from the age of three and come to think about it...I think SF was my mom's A partner!

No one will talk about it but that's what I hear. I mean mom did move out of dad's into a friend's (I think) and then in with SF! I can remember raging and wanting to be with my dad, at three!

Too bad we only have three groups that met around here. Thanks for the info!

Yep,

And if you really want to dig deeper into this. (I know you do) Our MC has assigned the book "Getting the Love you Want" by Hendrix.

Geez what an eye opener it has been and I am barely into it.

Our MC actually said he doesn't like a lot of self help books etc but this is one he really recomends.

It really delves into how we chose our partners based on our childhood. Yada yada yada.

Funny thing is that it is pretty much nailing it on the head.

LOL...I don't know if I can handle that right now...LOL

This PA book is about all I can handle along with my first meeting tonight! Great thing about tonight, this place is right over the bridge from my house! It ends and I'll be home in less than five minutes to check on F. I'm really happy about that!

You know mom's always going to worry...it's my kid but I have faith in him and I trust him. Besides, I gave him permission to play PS2...LOL...that's all he's going to be doing while I'm gone...CAN we say babysitter...

I know it's bad to look at it that way! LMAO

Well good luck at the meeting.

I actually hate the reading sometimes. I feel like it is like a big thwak right to the side of the head.

Hey this looks familiar for some reason. OH that's my life. LOL.

Go into the meeting with open ears and no judgement. You may or may not click or feel comfortable there but don't just try it once.

Good luck with the PA book too.

Well, I went, I saw, I kicked some perceptive! I also plan to go back. I made the eighth person tonight! I perfer the number nine, but eight's good! LOL

The weirdest thing kept happening while I was in there...LA voice(well, my voice for LA) kept popping into my head! What in the world is that? I just don't know!

I did feel a little uncomfortable walking in there, I thought I was walking in on a prayer meeting and thought I was in the wrong place! LOL

I'm also a little closer to understanding what meditation is, we covered that tonight. I honestly had this yoga image burned into my head! LOL GO figure!

Anyway, I was in a good mood until H called asking about ... that's a story...basically, I think he's impatient and he's getting on my nerves. It will be here when it gets here. Plain and simple. Something he had me order off Ebay last Thurs. I rebounded very quickly. He told me NOT to caught an attitude with him.

I said I didn't appreciate the way I was approached. I'm trying to take a stand on the way he talks to me when he's upset, the cursing and just, I think, rude.

His tone changed, it became a little softer. I mean of course it's okay for him to be upset, but I'm not going to allow him to direct/take it out on me anymore.

Until I get this boundary thing down pat, I'm starting there.

F did well by himself tonight. I asked if he thought he could handle it on Tues. and Thurs, he said yes! When I got home, he had eaten supper, did his homework, and was watching tv, which were his instuctions before I left. I'm proud of him!

I picked up him and H's supper/lunch and he brought in to H. F asked me what we talked about it the meeting and I shared somethings with him, very general. He asked about my SF, and if we could talk about him more. I said that was fine, that I had nothing to hid.

LOL...you know, in the car, plenty time to talk! I shared with him that I was trying to change and become a better person, a better mom, and foremost stop the yelling! I've been doing well, but every once in a while, I backslide!

I'm a work in progress...I feel like I've traveled the world since d-day as far as where I was and where I am.

I did talk when it was my turn...I said that I was there not because I had an active alcoholic in m life but b/c in April I found out my H had/was having an A. I explained that I had a friend online that suggested Al-anon and that my SF was an Alcoholic (oh, come to find out, he stopped drinking years ago). I mentioned that I knew I was in trouble when a few beer can were on the table and I would go in mt room and stay there.

I said I was there to learn not to be the cause, cure, or control and I was extremely nervous about coming to the meeting for days before it.

So, there you have it! I walked out and stood by the car for a second, then finally unlocked the door and had to sit there for a moment or two to keep my composer. Oh, I wanted to cry from the relief of accomplishing it...making it through my first meeting! I'm proud of myself, but I wasn't going to back out. I said I was going and I don't like reneging.

So, here I am!