Rin,

My mistake...I remember you posted that email and I thought it was kickin' with I statements, pretty much.

What inside you sees no choice but Plan B? You know my thought...just wanted to know your reasons...

This is your boundary enforcement for your marriage...not an end to it...a way to save it...more hard work toward your goal.

And I KNOW you're one hard worker!!

So to heck with easy...right? Way to self-care with Al-Anon, Rin...sometimes I picture a logo for them (I'm on an advertising kick today for some reason)...it has the word FIX in bold black letters and that red circle around it with a slash through it. What do you think?

Oh, and how about a spin off that Descarte quote..."I think therefore I am" which the old me believed, "You think therefore I am"...

Should I give up stand up as an act of goodwill towards mankind, hmmm?

:::thinking about you inbetween thinkin' about me:::

LA

MF-

Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate your advice. I'm having to go through my laywer b/c there's no LSA here and I'm going to have to try to get a petition for removal to get him out the house.

I'm going to try to avoid him as much as possible, not much more I can do!

(((((RIN)))))

Not much time to post today, but have been reading. Sending you lots of support and hugs.

Be really careful about trying to Plan B with him in the house … it didn’t work at all for me, and, according to SH, does not have an ounce of the intended consequence, which is NOT meeting any of the WS’s needs. SH said my attempt to do it in-house (and just avoiding him) just came off as looking petty and childish. I'm sure not an expert, my sitch makes taht obvious, but I would at least say that you should do a stellar Plan A -- leave a great last impression -- right up to the point that you go to Plan B and hand him the letter, and you need to have a way to get him out of the house before you go to Plan B.

I wish I had done it that way!

Your lawyer will know for sure, but I don’t think it’s going to be easy for you to get him out of the house. I hope you don’t have to file for D in order to do that. It might be too late now, but I would guess your best bet for being able to get him out of the house is still a restraining order …. but I don’t know if you’d still be able to get that for the book-burning and threatening to burn the house down incident.

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, but you sound really strong. You’re always impressing me!!

-AmI.

Hi Rin.

Be well. If Plan B is what you need, then do it.

I think about you sometimes... I hope and pray that things go well for you.

I want you and all of my friends here at MB to be happy. I want so much for everything to work out for everyone else, just simply because I know it's not going to work out for me.

I want and need for the rest of the world to be a good place, so that it doesn't make me cynical and negative again.

Good luck, and we'll be here for you. I'm here for you, too... feel free to toss a PM at me at anytime.

I'm doing my best and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to file for D.

My head and my heart are not really in sync, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do! Nothing more that I can say, and not to much more I can do. If I have to file for D, then I can just drag it out, I guess!

what the heck should my behavior be until I can do plan B?

Rin -


The same as it's been for the last few months. The real you. The authentic you.

The main drive behind Plan A is to make a better you, which will make you both stronger and more attractive as a spouse. It lays the groundwork in case you have to go to Plan B. After an effective Plan A, if Plan B is implemented the WS will (hopefully) realize what he/she stands to lose, and will have good memories to return to.

I don't remember the exact number, but I think Harley says something like 80% of marriages that have an affair require Plan B.

If you decide to try for Plan D (Divorce), do it only if you're truly willing to carry it through. Don't do it to try and prove a point or get your message across. Empty threats are (IMO) worse than no threats at all when dealing with a WS.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up - been busy and sick...fun combination <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there - do what you know you need to do to protect you and the kids. You're getting good advice here - listen to what people say, and apply what fits to your situation.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HB!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(flying hug)

LA

Thanks, HB....LA...The flying hugs were for HB?

I went to the bank to deposit my check...I still got WH his money, met him on he road, pulled over and gave it to him. Not even a minute's contact...he needed work shirts so, I just put them to wash. I kept some extra cash to store away, I figure a little at a time...

laywer hasn't called back and I'm deleteing the history and favorite's just in case he decides to visit here he'll have a harder time seeing what I'm doing. I thought about changing my screenname.

I'm looking forward to my meeting later...I need a pick me up and so far that's the way I feel after I get out. My heart's heavy!

thanks for posting!

Rin,

You should re read the boomerang relationship real quick. This is exactly what you are going through right now.

You know he is going to say I don't need to change. So now the ball is in your court.

My FWW has said this for 3 years now and guess what the MC has told her she needs to change.

If you read my thread today she basically admitted to being PA without saying it.

Next session we are going to discuss that. I can tell you I am a lot farther into this then you as far as time goes. it isn't easy. Having somebody refute common sense just becuase they don't want to do anything you have asked of them.

It is very frustrating. You know how I feel right now. This whole A thing is a big enough roller coaster but having somebody that will not do something because you asked makes it harder. Not because what you are asking is wrong but just because you asked.

Good luck.

HL-ANy suggestions?

I'm going to read it!

Hi, Rin.

Just checking in .... thinking about you!!

-AmI.

Yes prozac and lots of booze. LOL.

Ok the not so funny thing is my family has a history of Alcoholism. I have actually been afraid to drink over this last three years since D Day because of that. Didn't want to crawl into a bottle so I drink less. LOL.

I would suggest at this point a 180. There are guidelines all over this site for a 180.

Read it over and try to implement that.

What he is doing sucks.

But last night my FWW said out loud what I think your H is doing. My FWW said "when he asks me to do it then I don't want to. It's not that I won't but I don't like to be told what to do. When I want to I will and the more he asks me to do it the more I don't want to do it. It is like he expects me too so I don't"

So think how hard it is about everything else.

Now last night the MC asked how I felt. I said very validated. My FWW has been telling me for the last three years she was doing everything she could. Evidently she underestimated herself. Or she just wanted to do what she wanted to do.

So if I were you and I was dealing with this I might consider and MC. It is a lot cheaper then a D.

reading that story again, just confirms everything I know...EVERYTHING!

Why get an MC? For me? He won't go...

I need to learn to control myself from calling him...like last night...it was like he didn't have time...he didn't read the other emails that I wrote to him...at least they weren't marked as read...he knows they are there because he switched users...when I came home, I stayed off the computer...I just looked at the history and left his email on the screen...

Then, I went take a nap! Tonight I think I'll sleep in the spare room...doesn't matter where I sleep WH isn't here...
Well, I hid my new book too...just in case...I'm going to be a little more protective of those things.

I don't know...we'll see...GOD, I hope he works this weekend...i talked to my brother and he's asking when am I coming over...I mentioned to him what was going on...that I called my laywer...asked him to pass it on to my SM and dad...

By telling them it's a safety net for me not backing down...a checks and balance sort to speak...

Good for you.

So there you go have you looked up the 180 yet.

It is a scaled down version of a plan B.

It may wake him up a little. Who knows.

You know my FWW agreed to MC when I told her it was that or a D.

I will say this to you.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNLESS HE THINKS YOU WILL LEAVE HIM.

So stop talking about it unless you plan to do it.

When I did the 180 I did not answer any of my FWW's phone calls. I came home and went on the computer to play games. I basically avoided her conversations. I just didn't want to be around her and I showed her as much.

So maybe try that.

No, I have to leave in a few minutes. I grabbed some can soup, so I won't be hungry in the meeting. I need to think straight while I'm there.

"When I did the 180 I did not answer any of my FWW's phone calls."

BOY, do you know how pissed off he would be...I would hear alot on that one...doesn't exactly work into a plan A either...but I really just don't want to talk to him today...

I am weak where he is concerned...his charm is one of the reasons he got me...if I have SF...I'm dead meat...I'm avoiding that...I just need some time...at least a week or two to get a few things done for plan b...

I'll look it up later..

What a difference a day makes!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PLAN A then PLAN B...

You want to finish up with an A++++ PLAN A...

You don't want to go into PLAN B with him pissed off at you...

You want him to MISS the YOU that you were at the end of PLAN A...

I don't recommend the 180 stuff at this point...

In PLAN B, he will actually learn what life is like without you...

Hi, all! I talked to my laywer's asst. this morning!

NO LSA in La., I would have to file to have him removed, I explained that I was fence sitting...I don't know what I what right now...

I've been thinking about our lives together and I don't know if I want the lack of intimacy that's always been between us...I don't know that I want someone who I know hasn't been there for me in the past...example when my grandpa died.

Anyway, Laywer will be calling me back on Monday. Adultry is grounds for immediate D, until Jan. 1 isn't six months, after Jan 1 w/ kids it's a year...

I explained that I'm fence sitting because he's threaten to burn the house down, now, he''s burn my books (which laywer's asst. said that is crossing the line), and I'm worried that he will snap and hurt me now. I remembered something that happened while we were dating with his XGF, that says to me he is capable of doing something like that. Of course, I wasn't there when it happened, so all I have is hearsay...I know that she was abusive to him...

She cut up his face with her fingernails before, and he didn't hurt her that I know of.

Anyway, I'm in the process of getting more details. At my meeting last night, I was talking about my sitch, just that I was fence sitting about ending it, and I was asked to wait to make a decision at least until I had a sponsor and 6-8 meeting under my belt.

WH called me last night

WH- "You ate?"

ME- "Yeah"

WH-"was it good?"

ME-"I had a bowl of soup, and I had my metting!"

WH-"OH!"

ME-"I figured you were grown enough to take care of yourself."

WH- "oH, okay,....I'll talk to you later." He hung up.

I went to bed early, and slept in the spare room.

WH asked this morning "Why I was sleeping in there?"

I said "don't you remember suggesting that I try sleeping on the sofa, the spare room, aor L's bed?"

WH- "oh, I didn't remember!"

I didn't speak to him this morning, not really.

He asked me once, "what was wrong?" but I was walking into the bathroom to get ready, so I didn't answer him. When I was ready to go I just said that i was going to be late and walked out the house.

Oh, I did tell him that if I didn't see him this afternoon that his shirts were in the dryer. he asked "why I wouldn't see him this afternoon?" I said traffic. he said he was just asking. (There's a road that closed and it's creating a delay.)

I'm not trying to be mean...not on purpose...I'm just trying to figure out what I want...

Why, on my wedding day and the beginning of the isle was I unsure whether I wanted to get M? I wrote it off as the jitters of your wedding day.

I'm trying to think of the good times, the fun we've had...
I'm trying to be objective...

Rin,

Good for you. Knowledge is power.

You know what is funny and again I see a parellel here between your M and My M.

Is that you and I would be fully capable of surviving a D very well. What I mean is, I can cook, clean, take care of my kids, do the finances, earn enough to support myself etc. All of the things I would need to do if we got a D. My FWW on the other hand says she can't do all of those things on her own. But when presented with changing or getting a D she is more afraid to change then get a D.

It seems the same for your H. To me it is odd that there is so much apparent need on the FWS part for support from the BS but they don't see it.

IMVHO. After talking to the lawyer on Monday I would let the FWH know. You want and expect for him to be O H with you, you should do the same.

I wouldn't do it in person I would do it in a safe environment. Possibly by phone. I would also let him know that you have let them know that if anything happens to you to let the police know about all of the things that have happened. I would also let him know that him destroying your things makes it possible for you to have him removed from the home. (well it is in my state)

In addition to all of that let him know you have discussed Verbal Abuse with your lawyer. (again in my state that can get a spouse removed from the home check with your lawyer) And if he goes down that road you will document it and then have you legally removed from the home.

That may be the wake up call he needs.

I have read in a lot of sitchs that the FWS or WS does not wake up and start trying to recover etc until the BS finally decides they are not going to do it anymore.

Thanks, HL! I think what they don't understand is that change is going to happen whether you want it to or not!

The thing about posting here it that I have all the documnetation that I need. I'm seriously thinking about going to my dad's tonight. It's a shame, but right now I could careless to be around him. I'm not angry at him or anything. I would just rather choice not to be around him.

Monday's my b-day and I could careless if I celebrate it with him or not. My bosses will be taking me and F to supper at a restuarant that I've been wanting to go back to. I'm doing filet migon! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's a combination b-day, six year anniversary working here celebration! I'm excited about that!

I'm a fraidcat in regards to that "Talk" you mentioned. we've talked on the phone in the past and he has come to where I am, usually my work!