Hello everyone. Let me start by saying that I messed up. Big time. Possibly the biggest. I've been married to the world's most incredible woman for 15 years. I say she's incredible because she has stuck with me all these years, and loved me, knowing there was something coming between us, but not sure exactly what it was. She sensed (incorrectly) that I didn't love here. Her feelings are more than understandable. Over a year before we got married, I had an affair. A tryst. A week-long HUGE mistake. I never told my wife about it. Until last night. Now, all of a sudden, my world has come crashing down around my ears.

For background sake, my wife is a member of Marriage Builders and a regular poster. She tuned me in to it this past year and I started reading some of her postings. She indicated to me that the best way for us to grow our marriage is for us both to be honest. She has been honest with me about an on-line affair she has had with an ex-boyfriend, but I have failed to be honest with her. I have been very, very weak. I kept thinking that if I never had to tell her, that it would simply go away and I wouldn’t have to hurt her. I even went so far as to renew my vows with a couple years ago in an effort to help solidify our marriage and start fresh. All I did, basically, was to vow my love to her and have her vow hers to me, under false pretenses. Twice. Had I really taken the time to think and be strong, I would have told her about the tryst and allowed her to decide if she still wanted me. She pointed that fact out to me over the course of the past twelve hours, ever since I dropped the bomb on her. And she’s right. But I was SO afraid to lose her. I honestly do love her with all my heart. I just have had a strange way of showing it. I regret the tryst completely. The tryst was purely sexual. Well, it was sexual as a result of a friendship. My wife believes I loved the OW, but I never did. The OW was and still is only the second woman I have ever had sex with. I lost my virginity to my wife. Now I fear I have lost my love to her as well.

I would never have told my wife about the tryst if it hadn’t been for some very productive discussions we had had recently that stemmed from her postings and those of others here. I believed that coming clean, getting things out in the open, out of the shadows where they’ve been so long, would help. As recently as last week, I dropped the first bomb on her – that I had visited a massage parlor about five years ago out of depression. Our relationship was not going well and I was depressed. The massage parlor didn’t help. It only made things worse. However, she seemed to forgive that transgression and I started to feel better. She seemed to also. Things started to seem like they were going better between us. Until last night. That’s when she indicated that she was still processing what I had told her and she felt there was more I wasn’t telling her. I mustered up every last ounce of courage I possessed (which, frankly, isn’t much) and told her about my pre-marital tryst. She has now told me she doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn’t even like me. She feels our relationship is irreparable because she claims, again erroneously, that I have never loved her.

I asked my wife what the people on Marriage Builders would do or have done to fix a problem such as ours. She indicated that their situations are different – that they had mutual love to start with. I informed her that we did, too, but I can’t blame her now for not believing me. Regardless, she said that they would agree on a certain time period during which unlimited questions would be asked and answered honestly. I am completely agreeable to this and want to pursue it. She isn’t too sure though. As I said, I’ve really messed up. I can’t blame her. But I don’t want to lose her either. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and now that I have “come clean” (I hate that expression, because I still feel so dirty), I want to do everything I possibly can to make our marriage stronger than it ever was.

Sorry this is so long, but over fifteen years worth of hidden and hurt feelings is difficult to wrap into a jewelry box. There’s actually a bit more to it than this, but I feel like I’ve already over-stayed my welcome. Can anyone out there help me to help my marriage?

Thank you in advance.

Messdup

Messdup, welcome to MB. How long have you been married and do you have children? How long did the A last? Have you had any C with the OW since the A ended? Yes, a FWS is most welcome here. I am a FWW and a BS.

Thank you, Faithful, for responding so quickly.

We've been married 15 years and have two children, ages 6 and 1. We had both children long after the A ended. The A lasted about a week, but we maintained written contact for about five years after I got married. I haven't had any contact with OW since 1996.

Hope this info helps you formulate a response.

Messdup

So, if I understand you correctly, you went to a massage parlor after you were married (where, I presume, there was some kind of sex involved), but your wife forgives you for that.

But the fact that you had sex with someoe a year or so before you were married is a big deal.

Does your wife say why this is the case?

Regards,
rs0522

You wrote: "So, if I understand you correctly, you went to a massage parlor after you were married (where, I presume, there was some kind of sex involved), but your wife forgives you for that."

She is/was able to forgive this (non-coital sex) more than the pre-marital A because I didn't know the woman at the massage parlor. However, I knew and was friends with the OW in college, which is when this happened. Unfortunately, my wife was friends with her too and feels doubly betrayed.

You wrote: "But the fact that you had sex with someoe a year or so before you were married is a big deal. Does your wife say why this is the case?"

She says the reason she is unable to forgive me for the original A is because if she knew about it, she never would have married me in the first place and that she feels we have been living in a false marriage all this time. She now feels trapped in this marriage because we have children and neither of us wants to hurt them. I am the product of a broken marriage and know firsthand that I don't want to put our children through pain I went through.

Dear Messedup,

You certainly are. :-)

In your post you said that you were weak, that you had no courage. I must say to you with all honesty, that is not what I see, not at all.

I know that your world is crashing around you and your wife at this time, but I cannot emphasize enough that you have taken the high road in your decision to come clean. You have taken the road less traveled by and by doing so you have given your marriage the best possible chance to survive. It seems funny that by putting your marriage at great risk by telling your wife of your affair, you are actually giving it the best chance to flourish, yet it is very true.

I am a big believer in the cliché “The truth shall set you free”. You may not see it yet but those words will reward you and stay with you for the rest of your life. You mention that your wife doubts you love for her and further believes that you have never loved her. While it may be true that your past actions were self-serving at your wife’s expense she will soon know the true extent of your love both past and present as you each come to terms with the events of the past. Your truthful actions will surface who you really are. Your wife will have no choice but to believe.

You say that your wife posts here, under what name? I ask that because someone that is knowledgeable in the marriage builder concepts will be much more receptive to understanding how affairs occur and how folks recover. She likely never thought that she would be in the position she finds herself. She will need your constant assurances that your love is not in question. You will need to come to terms with why you made the choices you did and that will not likely be a pretty picture.

There is one very important question that you must ponder with great care and direction, “Why should your wife think that you won’t have another affair, say in a year or two?” Start thinking about this now, as your answer will provide your wife room to breath again.

You are a brave man, albeit one that made a very thoughtless choice many years ago. Remember this, “A person’s actions define who they really are”. The only question remaining is, “who are you”? Let your actions define who you are. So far I can’t help but like what I see.

Mr. G

Hello Messdup,

Your W will need time to heal.
You have only told her yesterday.
For you it's 16 years ago - for her it's like it's the present and her emotions will be raw.

Do you think she would also want to post on this thread?

Best regards,
Brit

I don't understand. If you have been married for 15 years, and it has been good, then why would it matter what happened a year before you were married? Infidelity while dating hurts, while married it's devastating.

I think she should be greatful she has a spouse willing to be on MB and use its principles. That, along with 15 years of marriage, should make up for a mistake made before you married.

I feel like we're not getting all the details. Seems like a bit of an overreaction to something that happened before you married.

You are a brave person to do this, congratulations. This was an unselfish gesture of love to your wife, and I personally know how hard it was for you. She will be in pain for a long time, and so will you, but it will get better if you just keep loving her and following the advice here.

Your marriage has now changed forever...for the better. I confessed a month ago, and though there are still times of pain for both of us, we are doing quite well now. It may take you longer, your situation is different, but your marriage and your W is worth it, right?

My first post over on the Just Found Out board describes my situation if you are interested.

Hang in there, love her, don't give up, and don't forget to take care of yourself. Don't wallow in self-pity, that is SO unattractive. Just be there for her. She just got walloped and needs someone to be there by her side through this. You are the one to do it, and obviously love her and have the strength to do so.

Good luck!

Edited for typo

I respectfully disagree.
When I date someone that I grow to love so much I'll marry him.. I do this because I believe this person to be honest and not cheat on me. If my fiancee/BF had sex with someone else during this time.. yes, that would hurt just as much. It's the same person!

Dear, DEAR Mr. G...

Wow. Wow, wow, WOW! Thank you so much for your amazingly insightful response. My wife, also known as "090886", was sitting here with me, reading your reply at the same time (we called in sick today in order to stay at home and talk about this). We both ended up holding each other and crying. I finally feel there is hope for us. Long-term. Not just over the course of the next 12 hours. A cloud has been lifted from over our heads that has been there for 16 years. And guess what. There’s actually light up there!

In an earlier post from 090886, I noted that she was wondering why I didn't feel the way I do now after telling her about the massage parlor. It's because I still had that huge, dark cloud. Thanks to you and the other members here, we are actually talking again. And about the right things. For the right reasons. In the right direction. I (we) owe you a ton of gratitude.

“Brownhair” is right, too. This is all new information for my wife. She has a ton of processing to do. She wants to write to the OW and get her spin on things, which I am okay with. Things are moving in the right direction.

Don't worry though. I know that one dose of medicine does not necessarily equal a cure. I know that everything has not been fixed. However, I am finally confident that it will be. I feel our marriage has been pulled from the precipice of hopelessness and given new life. And I can [email]d@mn[/email] well guarantee it will stay that way! We both want to feel the love we had for each other prior to the A. What we had then was real. What we will have again will also be real. In the meantime, we have to get to know each other all over again. Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to that: In case I hadn't mentioned it earlier, she's a pretty incredible woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is bloody, bruised, exhausted Messdup's wife. My head and thoughts feel strange. I've been here posting for about 3 months regarding my previous EA, but I'm tempted to change my name and identity because I feel like a completely different person.

I understand that my reaction to something that happened BEFORE our marriage may be confusing to some readers. I tried to explain to Messdup that I'm not upset about the affair, but I am very upset that he didn't tell me before our wedding.

Because, now:
1) Our marriage is not valid to me. If I knew what happened, I most definitely would not have married him.

2) Our entire married life is a sham. As Messdup explains, there has been a dark cloud over us for 16 years. The guilt he felt and the confusion I felt lead to a wall between us, which then lead to his porn use, the prostitute, and my emotional affair.

3) I am not convinced that he loves me. He married me out of obligation (we were engaged at the time of his A) and practicality (I had lots of potential back then. Messdup once told me that "he married me for my earning potential", and I never forgot that. OW was the artistic type and her future appeared less certain).

But, here we are. We are legally married and we have two beautiful little boys. This morning I was trying to decide between suicide and divorce. I can't see how Marriage Building could work on a false marriage. Our foundation is quicksand, how can anything be built on it?

Because now you are going to establish/build a new foundation of honest, openess, caring for each other and meeting each others most important emotional needs, you are going to practice and implement POJA & PORH, your boys will learn this also from observing you 2 in day to day interaction. It will help them immensly as well.

Good Luck on your Journey, it really is a lifetime journey and you will have a much more satisfying marriage and life together.

But he doesn't love me.

He DOES love her. During their tryst, he took pictures of her (ones that she wouldn't want to show to her mom). He kept them, they were special to him, he would carry those pictures around with him in his briefcase. She's his idea of perfection. I can't compete with that.

I want to contact her. I want to hear what happened from her point of view. Is this a good idea or not?

09,

Boy do I feel your pain.

I have been exactly where you are. Thirty years ago, however.

He does love you. Hold on to that thought. Stay with me here.

He loves you.

16 years ago, a young man made a stupid, impulsive choice. He did something very stupid and recognized it immediately (well, it took him about a week). Remember where you were 16 years ago emotionally. He also was there.

He loves you. Stay there with me.

Okay. So he finds himself engaged to you, and also attracted to another girl. He sleeps with her. He goes back to you. Now he makes another choice (the second not-so-smart choice) which is not to tell you.

He loves you. Stay with that.

THEN HE MARRIES YOU.

Now, think about this a minute. Would he have married you if he did not love you? Certainly not at that moment - young men and women don't do that, especially if they have someone who is the "FANTASY WOMAN" right there in the wings. Young people are fickle creatures, and change boyfriends and girlfriends like they change their shirts, unless ONE THING PREVENTS THAT.

The one thing is being in love with their fantasy woman. In this case, he married her.



He loves you.

He chose you.

He is still choosing you, and has done so for 16 years.

You know that, but your heart is hurting because this hurts more than anything else you have ever felt in your life. I know that, too. This is the other side of an affair. The BS side. I hate that you have to feel this. But we are here for you.

But your messedup H is right at your side. And, Wow, read his post. You are one lucky woman. He wants nothing more than to keep on working with you, making things more than better with you.

I can't think of any reason other than.....

He loves you.


Can you?
SB

Messdup

I would have given anything for my FWH to want to recover and work like you show you want to. Great post.

I can only say that if you still have those photos, you should have a burn party tonight. Invite your wife.


Oh, forgot one thing - tell 09, no, don't call the OW. I did, and it just wasn't worth the pain - and it gives away a piece of your soul. It isn't about her anyway. Messdup is who it's always been about, and now he's in the right place to do the work.

SB

Messdup,

Keeping mementoes of the affair? Are you seriously nucking futz? Burn them!

Dear Schoolbus:

Be careful: your wisdom is showing. I'm continuously amazed at the strength and good advice I'm finding here. Yours mostly certainly included. Thank you.

To you and Bigkahuna: I no longer have the photos. My W found them, as she mentioned, and made me get rid of them. If you happen to have read any of her previous postings, you'd also discover that I've had a problem with porn. While these pictures were nothing AT ALL like porn (scantily clad? yes; revealing anything you wouldn't at a public beach? no) they were, nonetheless, sensual in nature. I was not only proud of those pictures (I envision myself as a photographer wannabee), but turned on by them as well (recall, if you will, the previously mentioned "problem with porn"). The A started shortly after the photo session occurred. I believe it never would have happened had it not been for the pictures. Regardless, I did keep them as a reminder. Dumb? Profoundly. Would I do it again? Not just no, but he// no. As I mentioned, my W told me to get rid of them. Which I did. Along with a box full of men’s mags. I’m sure the garbage men had a field day that day. I truly wanted to start all over. One of the best things I ever did. I felt relieved to be rid of them. All of them.

Regarding the fantasy woman. You’re 100% right: I married her. She claims I told her that I married her for her earning potential. I don't rmember saying that, but she’s right. Along with all of the other wonderful things about her. She’s beautiful, intelligent, warm, caring, funny, a FANTASTIC mom (which, admittedly, I didn’t find out until much later), and she’s also my best friend. And, for some strange reason, she laughs at my jokes (by the way guys: I’m sorry, but she’s already spoken for). Why in the world WOULDN’T I want to marry her? How could a man possibly want more? I ask myself that same question over and over again whenever I think of what I did 16 years ago. She is and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve had my share of idiotic blunders throughout the last 16 years. Somehow she has managed to forgive each and every one of them. This one though, seems like it’ll take a while. And that’s okay. The mortgage is still in both our names and I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Hopefully she won’t either.

She has suggested in the past (and as recently as last night when I dropped the bomb) that I should leave and find my soul mate. If I did, I’d just end up making a U-turn at the base of the driveway.

Thank you Messdup, you were always very good with words. I will save this and read it when I'm feeling really bad. I'm sorry it's taking me a while to deal with this. It's worse than I imagined, and you know that my imagination is usually overactive...

Also, please remember that I am only about 6 weeks into "no-contact" from you-know-who. I must cope with your information without taking a hit from my drug of choice, and I am also very weak. Please have patience with me.

I have made progress since yesterday. A third option, besides suicide or divorce, is forming in my head as a possibility. Staying with you and finding real intimacy (which we have not experienced in our 15 years of marriage) would be my holy grail. Yesterday I thought the holy grail could not exist, today I'm not sure. My mind is slowing opening.

PS. Would you please answer Mr.G's question here? You told me verbally, but I'd like a written record of it in case I forget...