Hello????

Are you there??????

I have missed you. I hope your absence is for some fun, happy, good reasons, and not about the FOO issues you are facing right now.

Thinking about you!!!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Number=3084284

-AmI.

Same here...we love and miss you and hope that everything is going well!

(((((Tons, and tons, and tons of hugs!))))

Yeah, me too!!

(((LA)))

(Hi AmI and Rin! Sorry to barge in on your thread -- I usually chat with LA over on the EN board, and I've been missing her too, so I wanted to chime in! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Hugs,
HTBH

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Barge right in!! No need to apologize at all.
I imagine that LA has a pretty big fan club! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I bet she does have a huge fan club! I think she's just amazing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA, are your ears burning yet?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

she does have a huge fan club i hope everything is ok
for you.

((((((((((LA))))))))))

AHHHHH FOOOOOO...

Hiya...thank you for the thread opportunity, AmI...

Just what I needed most when I needed it most.

Hi there Rin! HTBH! Tony!

I am so grateful you care.

And no, not happy stuff...all FOO. Been working on the letter and feeling awful. I did get a card from my mother yesterday afternoon and I chose to go straight to bed at 5pm instead of reacting by phone or email.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is a good lesson, an ancient one. It all ties in, I think, to infidelity, fears and fantasy.

I want to post the dang letter, but it's too long. I need some heavy cutting. And I think it sounds like a robot, to my own ears.

I'm rather ashamed to post it...my fear is off the charts right now. Where's all that "be brave and true" talk now, huh?

I couldn't figure out where to post the letter...make a thread and not have you guys see it...or risk you seeing it!

Ah FOO! (This time, say it like a curse, not a sneeze, 'k?)

Help me out, please?

LA

LA!!

Not the FOO again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

You could start a new thread, or you could just post it here. I'm sure AmI won't mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> She DID call out to you, after all...

Please do share with us. I'm sure you're not the only one with FOO issues -- well, I know you're not, cuz I have 'em too! -- and I think we could all benefit from some practice with the FOO (I'm saying it like a curse, just like you asked!).

We're here for you, LA, in your corner, just like you've been in ours so many times.

Big hugs,
HTBH

Absolutely, please share here.
Want me to change the thread name to something that will fit better?

You told me once:
"Feel your fear, hold it like a quaking 2-year-old, and speak, anyway, 'k?"

We're here for you. In your corner (to quote the great Mighty LA Mouse)!!!

-AmI.

Well, LA, what are you waiting for? your input is needed,

I can't wait, we are behind you.

Tony.

Okay, you wonderful people...I will. I will hold that quaking two-year-old little girl and post anyway.

Disclaimer...this is SOOOO long...can you please get your scissors?

Thank you for being here for me. I love having you in my corner.

Here it is...ack.

Da letter...

"Dear Mom and Dad,

This is a love letter. I cherish knowing both of you, what you share with me; who you are. Your voices strum a chord in me, separate even from your words; the voices I have known for so long, who have spoken to me thousands of times. I cherish your voices.

I have been grateful for each “Hello” when you’ve answered my call. That act means acceptance to me. Your choice to do this means I am worth speaking to—the time and effort from your lives, no matter what words have followed.

My calls represent that same intention in me. To acknowledge you are a part of my life, a part of me. Our connection matters to me. I shared with you how disrespectful I was in assuming what you were thinking or feeling, how it was my own false expectation of this being what families do; that they connect, no matter what. That was my twisted belief and I know the truth is, you’ve connected and disconnected from me by choice, every time, in our lives, as I have with you.

You said I didn't apologize. I did. When I called on Saturday, the day after, I heard you say, “Why don’t you apologize, aren’t you sorry?” and I said I was, that I was sorry for raising my voice, for yelling. Mom, you said it really well--neither one of us felt heard and we couldn't hear each other over our own voices.

My perception isn’t the truth, Mom. It’s my truth. On July 21st, I heard you say things and I assumed what you meant. And I didn’t say, “Ouch. I heard you say…” and find out your intent. When you said you were telling someone that you didn’t even know your own daughters, I heard and believed I had failed you, our relationship. I did not ask, “What does that mean to you?” That choice fueled my permission to raise my voice to you later in the conversation. I am sorry I chose to do that.

You provided a great insight for me, Mom, when you said you don’t even know your daughters and I automatically saw that as rejection…instead of seeing it as your choice to not know us. Your choices matter as much as mine. Difficult for me to understand, child to parent; nonetheless true. You have as much power in knowing as I do in being known.

Later, I reacted in the same way when you said you didn’t understand why I was so unforgiving. You were telling me directly what I was, and that’s disrespectful. I know you can see me as unforgiving--does not mean I am. I owned what I did in the past and didn't do it again. Over and over, I have done that. I didn't repeat my offense. I didn't do it because that's not who I am. When I said I was sorry for yelling, I would not allow myself to do it again.

I believe I am living forgiveness, Mother. I fear, and I act in spite of it. I fear you shutting me out, and I call, write and visit, anyway; knowing you have this history, this choice of behavior. I open to you my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences. I shared myself with you. I have thrived and believe I survived due to your support these last two years: your sharing--your choice to talk to me. And my part was taking that risk.

I believe you know I have a huge fear of abandonment; believing I need to be withdrawn from, a danger to you. Feels like the old days, Mom. Feels like punishment...being grounded from you. There wasn’t a choir concert, dance or event big enough to equate to how much of a loss I feel in having you taken away from me, each time: It feels devastating to me.

I am grateful for our confrontation because I believe I now have your truth as to why I was not allowed to come to Christmas and for your surgery. I don't understand when you taught me as a little girl about lying, why you would both choose to deceive me. You didn't state the truth, only your shaded version of why you cancelled what would have been my first Christmas with you in 22 years. "We didn't want a gathering" when it was everyone there but me. And you said I shouldn't feel rejected. These are painful statements because of the lie, not the truth.

Is it true at Christmas that you would've been okay with me there, but not DH? I wish you would have respected me enough to tell me that and allowed me my choice in the matter...to come by myself or not come at all. This way was deceptive. I had four months of killer pain for that. I did that to myself...because it brought up the constant question I’ve had since childhood, “What had I done that was so bad to be excluded like that from my family?”

Thank you for the truth about coming to help out during your surgery and recovery. Telling me that you thought I would be too afraid to leave DH to stay with you; doing what I'd promised, asked for, claimed and stated. I'm not afraid to leave my husband. He's an adult. I have no control over other human beings. I do not fear what he will do even a tenth as much as what you both will choose to do.

My choice to not visit you this year comes from following my belief that when people transgress, they confess and vow to not do it again. That’s forgiveness to me. That’s what you’ve required of me. You may have done this and I did not hear it. There are two halves to trust, I believe…the part you earn and the part you choose to give. I am afraid of giving my half of the trust. I need it earned back through honesty, openness and being mutually committed to working through and on our relationship.

Mom, you said you never disowned me. The first time, Dad used those words. The other times, what I call disowning is not talking. Silent treatment. I can accept your choice to not speak to me because that is your choice. What is difficult is not knowing for how long, if anything will be addressed or if it will be ignored…and I confuse this with being punished and ignored. It’s not the same.
I know my voice, my presence in your life is important to you, too. I know this because you have said it was. That may have changed. I don’t know. I know this is a two-way street.

It's been exactly 23 years since you sat in my apartment in ******, shutting me out of your lives unless I gave DS up for adoption...August 13th. In the 23 years since, I've lost 8 years total to silence. Of not knowing for how long this time...or the next. I've waited the last eight years in fear of you doing this again. I knew my risk when I asked for your forgiveness, owned that I was wrong in talking to (my sister's) husband. I owned I was wrong in not sending you a Christmas card in 1990, and that I was wrong to not have given up DS for adoption.

My decision to not come to visit was my effort to acknowledge and respect your choices and that I have my own. This is my perspective instead of seeing myself as being done to, having no choice. To continue to commit to seeing you and risk it being denied is beyond what I can bear right now. I had hoped maybe next year I would have grown enough to do that.

I realize the consequences...that I may not see either of you again in my lifetime. My very deep, true loss. I wanted you to know that I realize how that decision cost me and believe it may cost you. I only knew that for now, I could not do that. Christmas and April were too fresh inside me. I've been working hard on seeing where I am really rejected, and where I feel it even when I am not. I've learned that with your parents, this may be impossible.

I'm filled up with sorrow...like thick, wet air inside my body, pushing outward...I have a humid heart. I'm not trying to stop it or encourage it. This time, I want to know all of it. My part and what really isn't my part. I truly am finished with being so powerful that I am the cause or control of our relationship. I am not going to believe in blame, nor take it. I didn't do this. I respect this as your choice. I am sharing what I feel with you, not blaming you.

My compromise was to call, be present, once a week; share what I could of myself, and my family, with you both. Not in person, just the next best thing.

In your card, Mom, you say I have a lot of resentment for your choices. I’ve been working on resentment the last two years…and you’re right. I have not seen where what I choose, knowing I will resent, I do, anyway, in our relationship. I know it is my poison. I believe it was behind our yelling at each other. I know this is for me to work through and let go, as I did with DH. And to not choose to make new resentments.

I know now that God permits this, with love. I do not honor either of you by building resentment with every hit I feel. I do not honor myself when I choose to believe your lies. I have turned my relationship with you over to God and asked for his guidance. I do not believe in shutting you out to protect myself; I believe in not putting myself in harm's way.

To do this, I need to see truth, not my twisted perceptions. I believe I dodge truth, as well. Shade it out of fear of being hurtful. Not being truthful hurts more.

The night when (my sister) was there, and you all called, wanting to get on extensions...what I heard you say was "We need to forgive and move on." What was that in regards to? Whose forgiveness and for what? That night, Dad, you asked me if I was going to visit sometime and I said "maybe, I don't know." I wasn't clear, either, at the time.

I would like to hear and tell truth. I would like to know if you’ve done this with others in your lives, Mom and Dad…who you have stopped speaking to and why. I feel alone in this, as if I’m the one defective person you know. And yes, I feel defective and know I am not. I am God’s human. Knowing is one thing--really believing is what I’m working on.

I do not want to have a fear-based relationship. What I shared with you these last few years, Mom, was my deepest fears and feelings; my most ugly self, and I felt accepted and loved anyway. To me, that was evidence there wouldn’t be another time of disownment. That was my assumption and I was wrong. And if your truth is that you don’t want to know details, I respect that. I can share my thoughts, feelings and beliefs without details.

I believe in you both. I know we are all created capable and whole humans, able to have conflict and resolution. I’ve learned that 90% of conflicts in relationships are to be understood, not solved. I believe we can come to that understanding through effort, being open and honest, and really accept who we are to each other.

I know I am half of the relationship with you, Dad, and half of my relationship with Mom. I promise to be my half respectfully and to come from love, not fear. I know how petty I am inside, not wanting to call and talk to Dad to share my life, my family, without Mom doing the same. I will overcome that when I understand the difference between you both choosing to be united as parents and actually being separate adults. I don’t understand it right now.

Mom, I heard you say, “You have hurt me so much. Hurt me to the bone.” I yelled because I can’t take that blame, being that cause for hurting you by my choices in life, about my life. I cannot do that anymore. Your pain is your own—as is your resentment, anger, fear and love. I will no longer believe I have been or am harmful to you. I choose to believe you own your own emotions, choose your life. My words here are written from pure intent…to be respectful, come from love and honesty. You may feel great pain—I am not doing that. You may believe I do not love you, or love you enough, or in the right way—I honor your choice to believe what you believe. The act of writing my intent, honing it, with great consideration, is my proof. My attempts to connect when we are disconnected is proof of my choice to love you. My influence on you and your life is limited by what you allow.

Please tell me if in your statement you were blaming me for your pain. I took it that way. My disrespectful judgment. I would like to know your truth instead. And I would like to know if in the future you will choose do this again, to disconnect.

I know that there are choices I make you do not approve of—and I have taken that disapproval personally, that you don’t approve of me. I strive to separate those because one does not mean the other. That’s how God loves…the sinner, not the sins. He does not force us to stop sinning…he disapproves and still loves, stays connected. He does not punish to teach us…we can feel punished. Our choice. Our power. God’s design. He has total respect for our choice, even choosing to come to him, choosing him. I did. And I choose to love you and Dad.

This is my love letter.

P.S. I got your third card in the mail where you said “You need to take responsibility for your actions now and the past.” I believe I’ve addressed that here, as well as the apology you did not hear me give. I heard you say you were sorry for yelling, also. That’s the only apology or responsibility for actions now and in the past I have heard from either you or Dad. I remember in 2003 on the back porch, you asked if I’d forgiven you and I said, yes, of course…you were only doing what you had to do. I betrayed myself then. I’m not doing that now. That adds to my pain, when I do that, and I have falsely believed that added pain came from your choices, when it came from me, taking blame, falsely believing then I could control being excluded by not making you exclude me. I craved your approval, no more disownment. It came from my fear. This request comes from my love."

Okay, y'all...I need your help. I think I'm lying in parts...I do! Please hold me to what I've stated are my beliefs...because they truly are...but my 9-year-old girl inside doesn't want to be truthful, I think. I think I repeat a lot and also, my biggest fear is that I HAVE done all this to myself...that I am the bad kid...somewhere I know that's not possible...about giving up my oldest, they said they always told me, all the time, that if I got pregnant out of wedlock they would do this...boundary enforcement, I think...and I honestly cannot recall them ever saying that (why I doubt myself so much)...though I would have kept my son anyway...I know I would have.

Ack.

See how lost I am? This was the first time I've ever raised my voice to my mother...and I do feel guilt for that...and what I'm lying by omission about, is that I do feel good about it...not for being reactive, but for not sucking it all up, agreeing with her statements...she doesn't feel loved unless she's agreed with...that's how she feels support, I believe. Hasn't left me any room, other than silence, to disagree respectfully.

And please tell me if you think I'm wrong...they aren't in great health, they are over 35 years older than me...I want desperately to break this pattern...am I seeing what isn't there? She won't talk on the phone, but she has sent three cards...could I be doing this to myself?

Give it to me straight...I trust you all very much...anyone who replies...know I will listen...(Just Learning, if you're up for it)...

LA

Oh, wow, I feel SOOOO unqualified here ...
I'm a pretty well-practiced CA, so keep that in mind as you read ... also, I think you did a fabulous job with this, you are such a gifted writer. So most of my edits are just scissors. There are probably people much better at this than me who will do a better job with the content pieces.





"Dear Mom and Dad,

This is a love letter. I cherish knowing both of you, what you share with me; who you are. Your voices strum a chord in me, separate even from your words; the voices I have known for so long, who have spoken to me thousands of times. I cherish your voices."

What a beautiful opening. I love this part and wouldn't change a word. You're a very gifted writer.

"I have been grateful for each “Hello” when you’ve answered my call. That act means acceptance to me. Your choice to do this means I am worth speaking to—the time and effort from your lives, no matter what words have followed.

My calls represent that same intention in me. To acknowledge you are a part of my life, a part of me. Our connection matters to me."

I really like this part, too. I think I'd end this paragraph right here and cut out all of the following part -- you already shared it, trust that they heard it:

"I shared with you how disrespectful I was in assuming what you were thinking or feeling, how it was my own false expectation of this being what families do; that they connect, no matter what. That was my twisted belief and I know the truth is, you’ve connected and disconnected from me by choice, every time, in our lives, as I have with you.

You said I didn't apologize. I did."


Then keep this:

"When I called on Saturday, the day after, I heard you say, “Why don’t you apologize, aren’t you sorry?” and I said I was, that I was sorry for raising my voice, for yelling. Mom, you said it really well--neither one of us felt heard and we couldn't hear each other over our own voices."

This next paragraph repeats a little. I'd cut out the first part and just keep this part, and the following paragraph:

"When you said you were telling someone that you didn’t even know your own daughters, I heard and believed I had failed you, our relationship. I did not ask, “What does that mean to you?” That choice fueled my permission to raise my voice to you later in the conversation. I am sorry I chose to do that.

You provided a great insight for me, Mom, when you said you don’t even know your daughters and I automatically saw that as rejection…instead of seeing it as your choice to not know us. Your choices matter as much as mine. Difficult for me to understand, child to parent; nonetheless true. You have as much power in knowing as I do in being known."


Some cutting and pasting together of the next two paragraphs, which are also a little repetitive. Als, you go from calling her "mom" to "mother" ... whenever I was a kid and wanted to cop an attitude with my mom, I'd call her mother. For me, it was sort of a subtle way to be disrespectful that also couldn't get me in trouble. So my reaction when I read that here was a big gasp -- but that's because of my past and perception. Do you usually call her "mother'?

"Later, I reacted in the same way when you said you didn’t understand why I was so unforgiving. You were telling me directly what I was, and that’s disrespectful. I know you can see me as unforgiving--does not mean I am. I believe I am living forgiveness, Mother. I fear you shutting me out, and I call, write and visit, anyway; knowing you have this history, this choice of behavior. I open to you my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences. I shared myself with you. I have thrived and believe I survived due to your support these last two years: your sharing--your choice to talk to me. And my part was taking that risk."



And now I have to take a break and go tuck kids in. I will be back later tonight.

-AmI.

(((LA)))

Thank you so much for sharing with us! So brave to post your letter.

I admire you so much for wanting to clear the air with your parents, to be honest and open and respectful with them. You are inspiring me to do the same … one day! LOL.

I hear that you are scared that you are the bad kid, that this IS your fault, and I understand! This is such a hard hard belief to let go of, for me anyway.

(((LA)))

I agree wholeheartedly with AmI; I love the way you write and I think your letter is beautiful.

I think she has a good point, too, about how you switch between mom and mother. Does one of those names have a different meaning to you?

So here's my disclaimer: I used to be a copy editor, and I love to edit, so I sort of took the liberty of editing your entire letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I had a few specific comments to make [those are indicated within ()], but mostly I just wanted to see if I could get it to flow a little easier. See what you think -- I won't be offended if you like your version better!

Hugs, HTBH

This is the whole letter, as I have edited it:


“Dear Mom and Dad,

This is a love letter. I cherish knowing both of you, what you share with me, who you are. Your voices strum a chord in me, separate even from your words; the voices I have known for so long, who have spoken to me thousands of times. I cherish your voices.

I have been grateful for each “Hello” when you’ve answered my call. To me, that act means acceptance. Your choice to do this means I am worth speaking to and worth taking time and effort from your lives.

My calls represent that same intention in me: To acknowledge you are a part of my life, a part of me. Our connection matters to me. I know my voice, my presence in your life is important to you, too, because you have said it was.

I believe you know I have a huge fear of abandonment, of believing I need to be withdrawn from, that I am a danger to you. Feels like the old days, Mom. Feels like punishment...being grounded from you. It feels devastating to me.

My perception isn’t the truth, Mom. It’s my truth.

On July 21st, I heard you say things and I assumed what you meant. When you said you were telling someone that you didn’t even know your own daughters, I heard and believed I had failed you, our relationship. I did not ask, “What does that mean to you?” That choice, that belief, became my permission to raise my voice to you later in the conversation. I am sorry I chose to do that.

You provided a great insight for me, Mom, when you said you don’t even know your daughters and I automatically saw that as rejection…instead of seeing it as your choice to not know us. Your choices matter as much as mine. Difficult for me to understand, as your child; nonetheless true. You have as much power to know me as I do to be known.

Mom, I heard you say, “You have hurt me so much. Hurt me to the bone.” I yelled because I can’t take that blame, being the cause for your pain with my choices in life. I cannot do that anymore. Your pain is your own—as is your resentment, anger, fear and love. I will no longer believe I have been or am harmful to you. I choose to believe you own your own emotions, choose your life.

Please tell me if in your statement you were blaming me for your pain. I took it that way. My disrespectful judgment. I would like to know your truth instead.

And I would like to know if in the future you will choose to disconnect from me again (LA, this seems like the sort of question she probably can’t answer..I think this is your fear talking, wanting a guarantee that this won’t happen again. I would delete this sentence. HTBH).

I am grateful for our confrontation because I believe I now have your truth as to why I was not invited to come to Christmas and for your surgery. I don't understand why you would both choose to deceive me. You didn't state your truth, but only a shaded version of why you cancelled what would have been my first Christmas with you in 22 years. "We didn't want a gathering" when everyone was there but me. And then you said I shouldn't feel rejected.

I had four months of killer pain for that, because I kept asking myself the constant question I’ve had since childhood, “What did I do that was so bad to be excluded like that from my family?”

I feel defective and know I am not. I am God’s human. Knowing is one thing--really believing is what I’m working on.

Is it true at Christmas that you would've been okay with me there, but not DH? I wish you would have respected me enough to tell me that so that I could make my choice...to come by myself or not come at all.

My choice to not visit you this year comes from following my belief that, when people transgress, they confess and vow to not do it again. That’s forgiveness to me. There are two halves to trust, I believe: the part you earn and the part you choose to give. I am afraid of giving my half of the trust. I need it earned back through honesty, openness and being mutually committed to working through and on our relationship.

When you said you didn’t understand why I was so unforgiving, you were telling me directly what I was, and that’s disrespectful. I know you can see me as unforgiving—it does not mean I am.

I believe I am living forgiveness, Mother. I fear, and I act in spite of it. I fear you shutting me out, and I call, write and visit, anyway, knowing you have this history. I open to you my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences. I shared myself with you. I have thrived and believe I survived due to your support these last two years.

Mom, you said you never disowned me. The first time, Dad used those words. The other times, I consider your not speaking to me to be disowning me – the silent treatment. I can accept your choice to not speak to me because that is your choice. What is difficult is not knowing for how long the silence will continue, and this feels to me like being punished and ignored.

It's been exactly 23 years since you sat in my apartment in ******, shutting me out of your lives unless I gave DS up for adoption...August 13th. In the 23 years since, I've lost 8 years total to silence. Of not knowing for how long this time...or the next. I've waited the last eight years in fear of you doing this again. I knew my risk when I asked for your forgiveness, owned that I was wrong in talking to (my sister's) husband. I owned I was wrong in not sending you a Christmas card in 1990, and that I was wrong to not have given up DS for adoption. (LA, I don’t see your truth in saying that you were wrong not to have given up your son. They may think so, but I don’t think YOU think so, and I would delete that part, and really, I would delete or seriously edit the whole thing, because I don’t believe you were wrong for doing those things, and I don’t think you do, either. You can take responsibility without taking blame/judgment/wrongness, right? Just my 2 cents here… HTBH)

I'm filled up with sorrow...like thick, wet air inside my body, pushing outward...I have a humid heart. I'm not trying to stop it. This time, I want to know all of it. My part and what really isn't my part. I am finished with being so powerful that I am the cause or control of our relationship. I am not going to believe in blame, nor take it. I am sharing what I feel with you, not blaming you.

My decision to not come to visit was my effort to acknowledge and respect your choices and that I have my own. This is my perspective, instead of seeing myself as being done to, having no choice. To continue to commit to seeing you and risk it being denied is beyond what I can bear right now.

My compromise was to call, be present, once a week; share what I could of myself, and my family, with you both. Not in person, just the next best thing.

I realize the consequences...that I may not see either of you again in my lifetime. My very deep, true loss. I realize how that decision cost me and it may cost you. I only know that for now, I could not commit to visiting this year. Christmas and April were too fresh inside me. I've been working hard on seeing where I am really rejected, and where I feel it even when I am not. I've learned that with your parents, this may be impossible.

In your card, Mom, you say I have a lot of resentment for your choices. I’ve been working on resentment the last two years…and you’re right. I now realize that I have made choices, knowing I will resent you for them, and yet made them anyway. I know it is my poison. I know this is for me to work through and let go, as I did with DH. And to not choose to make new resentments.

I know now that God permits this. I do not honor either of you by building resentment with every hit I feel. I have turned my relationship with you over to God and asked for his guidance.

I do not believe in shutting you out to protect myself; I believe in not putting myself in harm's way. To do this, I need to see truth, not my twisted perceptions. I believe I dodge truth, as well, out of fear of being hurtful. Not being truthful hurts more.

I would like to hear and tell truth. I would like to know if you’ve done this with others in your lives, Mom and Dad…who you have stopped speaking to and why. I feel alone in this, as if I’m the one defective person you know.(LA, I don’t see truth here, either, just pain and fear. What if they tell you that you ARE the only one? Better I think to delete this entire paragraph, or edit big time. HTBH)

I do not want to have a fear-based relationship. What I shared with you these last few years, Mom, was my deepest fears and feelings, my most ugly self, and I felt accepted and loved anyway. To me, that was evidence there wouldn’t be another time of disownment. That was my assumption and I was wrong for making it. If your truth is that you don’t want to know details, I respect that. I can share my thoughts, feelings and beliefs without details.

I know I am half of the relationship with you, Dad, and half of my relationship with Mom. I promise to be my half respectfully and to come from love, not fear.

I know how petty I am inside, not wanting to call and talk to Dad to share my life, my family, without Mom doing the same. I will overcome that when I understand the difference between you both choosing to be united as parents and actually being separate adults. I don’t understand it right now. (LA, these last 2 sentences confuse me…sounds like your scared 9 year old talking, maybe? I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say or what you are owning here. I would delete this whole paragraph. HTBH)

My words here are written from pure intent…to be respectful, come from love and honesty. My attempts to connect when we are disconnected is proof of my choice to love you.

I know that there are choices I make you do not approve of—and I have taken that disapproval personally and believed that you don’t approve of me. I strive to separate those because one does not mean the other. That’s how God loves…the sinner, not the sins. He does not force us to stop sinning…he disapproves and yet still loves, stays connected. He has total respect for our choice, even choosing to come to him, choosing him. I did. And I choose to love you and Dad.

This is my love letter."

One thing I meant to ask earlier ... you said your mom likes to write cards. Does she read long letters? Will she be likely to "hear you out" or will she lose interest based on the the lengthiness?

ok, back to my scisoring .... I'm trying not to word-smith much, I have such a tendency to try to make other people sound like me... but I did cut a lot of things down and moved some stuff around. Some things seemed to make more sense to me when they were grouped together, and it cut down on some of the repetition.

So, picking up where I left off earlier .... shortened and brought up some concepts from the paragraphs below:

"Mom, I have a huge fear of abandonment. Believing I need to be withdrawn from, or am a danger to you feels like punishment. The loss I feel in having you taken away from me is devastating to me. The silent treatment feels like being disowned, and it's difficult not knowing for how long, if anything will be addressed or if it will be ignored…and I confuse this with being punished and ignored.
In the last 23 years, I've lost 8 years total to silence. And I've waited the last eight years in fear of you choosing not to speak to me again.

My decision to not come to visit was my effort to acknowledge and respect your choices and that I have my own. To continue to commit to seeing you and risk it being denied is beyond what I can bear right now.

My compromise was to call, be present, once a week; share what I could of myself, and my family, with you both. Not in person, just the next best thing.

I realize the consequences...that I may not see either of you again in my lifetime. My very deep, true loss. I wanted you to know that I realize how that decision cost me and may cost you. I'm filled up with sorrow...like thick, wet air inside my body, pushing outward...I have a humid heart."


Now it may be the CA in me, but a lot of the rest of this really seems to dig up very, very old issues. That you have already talked about with her, already shared your truth. Parts of it almost feel like a laundry list of all the things you hold against her, and like you're holding them there until she asks for forgiveness. Parts feel a little preachy. That's just my perception, and please don't take it as a bash. I say preach on when you're writing to me, and I would take a laundry list of things I need to work on from you any day. But for your mom ... I'd take quite a bit of that out.

Have you ever addressed any of this with her before? Can you trust that she's heard it and move on, or do you need a specific apology from her on each issue? Can you forgive without that apology if she decides never to give it?

I'd suggest really condensing a lot of the next piece, not rehashing all of the stories -- they know what they are. I'd make it is minimal as possible, and only include the pieces that you really feel like you need her to address with you, need her truth about, or that she's specifically addressed to you.

Oh, and I don't think that you should "own" that it was wrong to not give your DS up for adoption. Them not liking your choice does not make it wrong.

"I am grateful for our confrontation because I believe I finally heard your truth about why I was not allowed to come to Christmas and for your surgery. You said I shouldn't feel rejected, but I did. I wish you would have respected me enough to tell me the truth about how you felt and allow me my choice in the matter. Having the oportunity to choose for myself based on the truth would have been much less painful that wondering “What had I done that was so bad to be excluded like that from my family?”.

In your card, Mom, you say I have a lot of resentment for your choices. I’ve been working on resentment the last two years…and you’re right. I know it is my poison, I believe it was behind our yelling at each other. I know this is for me to work through and let go, and to choose not to make new resentments. I'm working on that and believe God will help me do this, with love.

To do this, I need to see truth, not my twisted perceptions. I believe I dodge truth, as well. Shade it out of fear of being hurtful. Not being truthful hurts more.

I do not want to have a fear-based relationship. What I shared with you these last few years, Mom, was my deepest fears and feelings; my most ugly self, and I felt accepted and loved anyway.

I know that there are choices I make you do not approve of—and I have taken that disapproval personally, that you don’t approve of me. I strive to separate those because one does not mean the other. That’s how God loves…the sinner, not the sins. He does not force us to stop sinning…he disapproves and still loves, stays connected. He does not punish to teach us…we can feel punished. Our choice. Our power. God’s design. He has total respect for our choice, even choosing to come to him, choosing him. I did. And I choose to love you and Dad.

This is my love letter."


Is any of this at all on the right track? I'm starting to think it might be too general. It sounds like you and your mom are both bringing up very specific incidents ... maybe instead of addressing them globally (which is the picture I had when taking my pass at revisions), you both would do better with that specific, laundry list style ... one greivance = one apology = one forgiveness?

Wow, LA, I'm feeling really not good at this right now.... let me keep thinking and try again.

FWIW, I think you are wonderful and amazing and a blessing to my life, and the lives of lots of other people around here. I'm sorry that your parents don't always seem to feel that same way. I think you're fantastic.

-AmI.

Ooooh, I like HTBH's version, too. It keeps all the details in that I think I was trying to shorten up on...

Thank you, AmI!

I knew I was preachy, long-winded and repetitive. Normally, I can slice and dice...this time, not. It was her saying, after all these years, she never disowned me...guess I'm still reeling from that one. Hence, the laundry list. Me, justifying myself...like a little hint that I am still stealing blame...can blame be a drug?

The brevity helps very much. I've been working on this for over a week, so I will continue to think about what you cut out as an indication of stuff I need to set within myself, not them.

And I think you're right about me wanting them to apologize for each grievance (mine to grieve, right?), for each forgiveness. That's my pipe dream, I think. That's from me being snivelling all these years--want to over compensate, maybe. I dunno.

I'm still shocked at myself for not understanding that they lied, and that I believed them.

And I love the way you picked up on my subtle Mom to Mother stuff...it occurred to me and I let it slide...thank you very much for not letting it slide!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mostly, I use them interchangeably, but I secretly believe she prefers Mom.


HTBH,

Thank you for your edits! I really like what you cut out and how you linked my sentences when I went choppy. You know how when you sob, you get that stammering, cut-off to your words...felt like that when I wrote. Like the fear was blunting. Thank you for smoothing because that's what is in my mind and stubbornly wouldn't come out my fingers.

I do want to know if she believes her choice to disconnect for months or years is something she will permit herself to do again; maybe asking to know for a time period, instead? I honestly don't know. I have a boundary here, in some way, that I need to better define. Maybe I'm wanting to state that boundary, not ask her what hers is, huh?

And I do want to know if I'm the only one...that would be a relief...I believe they've cut so many out of their lives, and knowing if I'm DJing, misremembering or right matters. I see your point...I'd rather have their truth, though...

About what I've already done...I do believe I should have given up my son...I'm terrifically happy I didn't, now...and it is moot because I can't go back...I already owned all that to them...just feels like they forgot it, or wiped it away...each time...by saying I don't take responsibility. I'm letting their opinion be my yard stick again. FOO sucks.

LOL

I am reacting to what she said and taking it to mean she doesn't see the past my way--instead of accepting she doesn't. I think I need to accept they have rewritten history, or I have, huh?

The part I really confused you with was lack of info...my parents made a pact when they married (when I was 9) to always back up the other person's statements, to parent as one, no matter what was said, or decided...so when I asked my Dad if he'd wanted me there for Christmas, I was told the same thing Mom had said, about not wanting a gathering...and he wouldn't say what he thought. They don't do that. They are one, they say. So, that's my confused 44-year-old.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how to have a relationship with a unit, I guess.

I may end up deleting all of those paragraphs, HTBH. I need to think more on my goal, which I didn't have, other than to speak my truth and not back down.

AmI, you think you're a CA'er? LOL...I think it takes one to know one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am very blessed to know you both. Today, I'm going to hold that knowledge and then see what I can truly let go.

LA

LA,
Glad to see you, I have missed you as well.

I think you are doing a great thing here, my parents are both dead. Some days I wish I could talk to them or at least have had the courage to talk to them when they were alive.

I think blame can be a drug, same as any feeling or emotion. In moderation one can handle it and not be harmed by it very much, but in massive doses it can be very destructive.

I see something here, about the parents lying and your not catching it. I beleive that as children we grow up blindly loving our parents (would explain abused children who cry and are destroyed whne the abuse parent(s) are taken to jail) and as we are raised by them and grow older we know no different so we know nothing better. Does this make sense? It did in my head, but looks different in this post. I hope you get my meaning, I'm still trying. Anyway, for this we must forgive as our parents and even siblings didn't know the dynamics of relationships and parenting that we know today. Some things then were and still are the right thing and some was not. So, I guess you could say ignorance of things not discovered? Hopefully not just plain mean or ugly.

It would be nice if they apologized for each transgression, but as you said a pipe dream. Yet in some way maybe they believe that they did nothing wrong, justified in their own way, maybe they are over compensating. Who know, but this may be your riddle for the ages, a challenge, a riddle or puzzle for you to sove with them???

Good Luck LA! I know you will do fine with this, you will solve it to your satisfaction.

Thank you for all your help and wisdom. I will update later when your not as busy.

LA, thank you for sharing you O&H, with us. I love your letter, and all of the edits, as well, like Ami said, but I don't know your audience. Here on the board, it's very interactive, we respond to one another point by point. Do you have this type of communication with your parents, as well? It sounds like you do, but I don't want to assume.

Is it justifying? Or sharing your O&H? It sounded like O&H to me.

I understand where you want to know your mom's intent. I understand that she may not commit to not doing this again, and at her age, perhaps that would not be something that she will choose to undertake, like learning a foreign language. Like we all were when we first got to the boards, full of the belief that this is who we are, can't everyone just accept us as we are? Why do they get all out of whack over our small shortcomings? The belief that as your mom said, we've all done stuff wrong, why can't we forgive and forget? You know what a huge committment it is to go from that perspective to the one you share now. If she chooses not to make that commitment, that is a reflcetion on her, not on whether you are lovable.

The lesson for me is, that you give your parents so much dignity and respect, to believe they are full and complete people, owning their own behavior. My MiL I have seen as a shadow of a person, and I have believed her when she said she denied ownership of her behavior, her choices, and came to expect very little of her. This is truly a gift you have given to me, thank you, for freeing me from this disrespect.

LA, to me, that is what is missing in the letter. That this is how much you honor them, to give them the dignity to choose NOT to have a relationship they are not willing to choose yet. To live life on life's terms.

Is there another person in their lives who could let you know if you are the only one that they disconnect from? Are there times in your childhood even when you saw this happen?

Good Morning! Hello everyone!

Well, I think that I've got here a little late and everyone has offered great opinions regarding your letter and the dynamics.

I am here to be here for you. There are some great questions and I know that you will succeed, just as you do every day. There something about unconditional love...your chose to be "LovingAnyway" that confuses us all from time to time in our lives...I think it's a shame that some people chose to love conditional...as I chose that path for myself until WH taught me that post-D-day.

Strange I learned that lesson being a BS from my WH...I don't think he intend to teach my that lesson...but that's what I learned...my FOO...in my mind...loved conditional. so that's what I was taught...

I have become stronger from learning that lesson...and you have chosen to do the same...WOW! How amazing is that?

I know now that love is a choice...I didn't before!

All these amazing people with great insights and perspectives...I'm blessing to know all of you!

LA-I look forward to each day that I get to know you...you said once that "I" inspired you...but YOU inspire me too with your cape and tiny ears! LOL

LA...
I'm a silent member of your fan club. I've soaked up a lot of the wisdom you've shared w/ Rinderella.

I think your letter is honest and heartfelt and agree w/ the edits and comments. I wanted to send my good wishes and positive vibes along.

I guess I'm not a silent member anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />