Thank you, Eagle...for saying hello and your input.

What I got from your reminder is that our inner children have that image of parents from all the years...blended and mixed...with blind faith they don't do what they told us not to...and yes, I can feel that's my inner kid having a hard time with their lies, not my adult. I have acclimated myself (that's what it felt like) several times knowing my parents are humans...my equals...with all their own choices...same ones I make...about their perspective, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions...as they are, not as I needed them to be.

I get that perspective and then I lose it.

LOL

Thanks for helping me re-orient myself back to their choice to not disclose, not spinning around in the wishful child aspect of them lying...they do. They're human. And I think I had to learn, yet again, that I am not powerful enough to make someone, anyone, tell me their truth...that's why it's a gift...intimacy is...and then I can sit in that belief for awhile and NOT feel like something essential is being taken away...it was a gift in the first place.

So, Eagle...how close are you to taking out those last two sentences in your sigline?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for sticking with me, Eagle. Now you know how much that really means to me...

LA

I like AmI's edits, too, and I think all of the points she brought up are good ones! If your mom is not a big reader, maybe you can finish and polish this nice long version of the letter, and then send her a card with a short and sweet summary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AmI, I also like the name change for the thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm proud to be part of LA's fan club! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA,

How are you feeling this morning?

I do understand how fear and pain can make things choppy, absolutely. It can be hard to get things organized when you're trying so hard just to get them OUT. I think you did a great job with it, truly!

I know you want to know if she's going to disconnect from you again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I understand. I also don't think she knows the answer to that, and it does seem confrontational to demand an answer from her. I like better your suggestion to state your boundary gently, and let her do what she will with it. (Your deciding not to visit this year is the beginning of that boundary, I think.) I think once you have defined that boundary better, you'll be able to state it without needing an answer from her.

Why do you want to know if you're the only one? I would really look hard at this. It sounds to me like you are looking at the other people who are missing from their life, and thinking that your parents cut them out, as well, and wanting to know if that truly was your parents' intent.

Why? So that you can tell yourself this is not about you, it's about them?

LA, it's NOT about you! It IS about them! Even if you are the only person in their lives that they choose not to speak to -- it's still NOT about you!

Again, I think that once you are really comfortable with this belief (and I know that's a tall order!), you will have less need for that answer.

I am really having a hard time believing that you think you should have given up your son. LOL. It may have been a "smarter" choice, or a more realistic one, given the circumstances at the time, but I think that you did the right thing by your son and there is NO WAY I would ever ever ever call that wrong. EVER. EVER EVER EVER.

OK, sorry, jumping back off the soap box. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It sounds to me like you are trying to prove to them that you are owning your old stuff, when you have already owned it, already apologized, already committed not to doing it again. (And, seriously, what is there to own about not sending a Christmas card? Did you not send it out of anger? Were they the only ones you didn't send a card to that year? If so, then, yeah, your intent was hurtful, and you need to own it. But if you were just too busy/sad/stressed to send cards out that year, how were you WRONG?)

Oops, there's that soap box again.

I'm just feeling protective of you because I'm seeing you trying to so hard to prove yourself, when you know that you owned your stuff, you took responsibility, you forgave -- and you also know that there is nothing you can do to make them believe any of it.

(If I'm seeing something that's not there, please do let me know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)



I think you need to accept that your history is different from theirs, even if you're both talking about the same event. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I believe history is like truth -- we each have our own.



Ahhh, I get it now! You don't want to talk to Dad, either, because you see MomAndDad as one unit. I understand this completely. I see my parents as MomAndDad, too, and MomAndDad looks suspiciously like just Mom. I'm working on talking to my dad by himself, getting to know him as him, and it's hard. ALL my memories of my parents, especially all the angry painful times in high school, are of this parental unit that happens to have my mom's voice -- I feel like my dad's not really even in there at all.

OK, enough about me! Just wanted to let you know I understand what you are saying. So that I can point out that, if your dad is willing to talk with you on the phone, then he's making different choices than your mom is, and he IS a separate person, not just part of the parental unit, and there you go, I've solved your problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I can see how it would be hard to know him if he won't tell you his own truths (just like with my dad, I think) BUT he is showing you in small ways, like talking on the phone, that he DOES have his own truth and his own choice and he's willing to share them with you.

One thing that I think is really hard for people like us who are extremely verbal, who look for all the careful shadings of a word, of a phrase, of a letter, so that its meaning exactly matches our intent -- well, sometimes we have trouble reading the meaning in actions. I'm not asking you to DJ and guess what's in his head based on his behavior. I'm just asking you to see that he IS talking to you on the phone, even while Mom is not, and that is a choice, his own choice, to connect with you.

(((LA)))

I'm so blessed to know you, LA, truly truly.

I hope this won't embarrass you too much to say it, but I've come to think of you as sort of a virtual mother, saying and doing and modeling all the things I wish my own mom had. Thank you for sharing all of this with us, as it is such a huge inspiration for me when I think about my own FOO.

FOO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hugs,
HTBH

(((LA)))

I think you've got a great start on the letter, and gotten a lot of good feedback on it as well.

One thing I've learned on these forums is that there's little point to beating yourself up over the past (even though we all do it). As others have said, if you've already acknowledged stuff from the past, and owned what is yours to own, there's little need to bring it up again.

Your parents are smart enough to realize that you've already owned up to your past (even if they haven't admitted it to themselves, or have forgotten it). I'd focus on the current issue - maybe use things from the past as an example or a frame of reference, but don't dwell on them.

As you've told me and others so many times, stay true to your code, and operate from that. Just as you can't control your H's actions, you can't control your parents actions. You've stated your position, you've acknowledged your fears, and you've owned what is yours to own. Good job.

On Rin's other thread, you had asked me if I wanted to do my own "retro" letter. I did, several months ago, though it was only to my mom (I never had a relationship break with my dad), and it was much simpler than yours. It was simply a letter of forgiveness for her suicide. Nothing inspired or fancy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You've given so much to these boards, LA. I'm happy that these boards can now give some back to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EO

No, in real life I don't usually go point by point...I think you pointed out that the style I've adopted from here has permeated my non-posts, as well!

You make a great point about what's lacking in my letter...my love isn't dependent on their choices...my participation is...did I get what you meant well enough? This is all a big boundary issue, and somehow I lose my way when it comes to my folks. Geesh...my lower lip just pouched as I wrote that! Ack.

As far as them disconnecting with others...that's what I can't tell given I'm their daughter...see, they married just shy of one year of my mother's death...and sent us (sis and me) off to my mother's relatives for the summer while they redid the house and got married...then they drove through to pick us up and take us to other relatives to be introduced...my SM didn't like what the first old friends said to her...they were cut out; so was my aunt and uncle...within a year, all of my dead mother's relatives and friends were off limits...and we had to be loyal to new mom.

This is my 9-year-old talking...I remember that these people were still grieving my mother and yes, they did not embrace and warm to my SM...I believe they would have in time, for the have my loved my father as long as I've known them. And yes, I betrayed her trust by communicating when I left home at 17...these were my people...and she stated I was disloyal...to hold her grudges was love to her.

So this is the cutting out I knew of...however, these weren't children...my SM, as a person, had no mother and no children of her own...this isn't a case of someone without good intent...she has desperately good intent, I believe...and has had no models...she was raised by her two sisters, only a decade older than her...so I think this shutting out what feels like an attack is her way. And I've known this. I just don't know what to do with what I know...knowing it does not lessen the pain of being shut out.

Anyway...does that count? I don't know if they've done this to my sister...or any of Dad's relatives...I don't know. I wish I knew.

Because of this loyalty issue, I fear asking her neighbor across the street or next door, because I believe she would see that as betrayal...me asking if they do this to others. I felt really good asking those questions directly to them...and maybe I will choose to do that in the letter and let go the results. And simplify the questions so that I'm not putting edge on them.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for being here; for your time and your caring.

LA

Rin...you being here to be here for me means so much to me. Thank you...and yes, this learning to love and be loved in a whole 'nother way is tricky stuff. I get it, lose it, get it, lose it...because changing this belief seems to go against so many other ones I have...an army of beliefs...I have had for the last 40 years...feels kind of overwhelming, and I slip back into earning, deserving, and feeling punishing...YUCK!!!

And thanks for appreciating me laying my underwear out here...that O&H...I do really try to live it...to be honest...and I fear sounding like a victim, a weenie...I DO!!! Sharing this process is embarrassing...as a marriage partner, I don't have to do this, don't choose to react instead of act...I don't and it's lovely, inspiring, and I feel twice as unprepared to not do well in acting with my parents.

Does that make sense?

Can we lay boobytraps for ourselves? (Who am I, Gilligan?)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

ChaCha...

Thank you for revoking your silent membership...and taking out the FULL one...I hated the idea of having to hunt you down and holding your big toe to a feather until you gave it up.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I learn from you, too, and enjoy your posts, most of which I've seen on Rin's thread...you are an encouragement to her, to me and to yourself. Thank you for posting...silence SUCKS.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Wow, LA, it is truly amazing, wading through all of this together. Like I said on my post this morning, I feel like a band together, equals, helping one another, sharing resources as we run low, like perspective or gentleness or forgiveness or trust or loyalty! Even bad jokes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Working this out, how are you feeling? Moving toward acceptance?

Hi LA,

Thank you for sharing your letter with us....

Just wanted you to know that I am very much inspired by your continual pursuit relating to one's choices, perception, truth, intimacy, respect, responsibility...just to name a few....and how generous you have been with your time and knowledge in helping MB posters.

With regards to your letter...you have eloquently written down what you need to say, I now wonder if the references to very specific incidents take away from 'core' elements of your letter.....

so....LA, I thought I would give it a shot at your letter to see what stood out for me...the 'bare bones'...please don't think that this means that the rest is unimportant! ...just an exercise...looking for key elements...the 'thread' in your letter....hoping that it might be helpful to you in some way....

It has also made me realize that on this site...discussions of fear of abandonment is usually related to W\WS...but your situation points to what I believe can be an even greater fear to overcome.....that of one's parents!

LA...I see it as your next challenge...and I do believe you will turn this 'around' one way or another as you have with your M!

"Dear Mom and Dad,

This is a love letter.

...I have been grateful for each “Hello” when you’ve answered my call. That act means acceptance to me....

....Our connection matters to me...

...I said I was sorry for raising my voice, for yelling. Mom, you said it really well--neither one of us felt heard and we couldn't hear each other over our own voices.

...You provided a great insight for me, Mom, when you said you don’t even know your daughters and I automatically saw that as rejection…instead of seeing it as your choice to not know us..

...I fear you shutting me out, and I call, write and visit, anyway...

I believe you know I have a huge fear of abandonment... Feels like the old days, Mom. Feels like punishment...being grounded from you...having you taken away from me, each time: It feels devastating to me.

I am grateful for our confrontation because I believe I now have your truth as to why I was not allowed to come to Christmas and for your surgery...

... brought up the constant question I’ve had since childhood, “What had I done that was so bad to be excluded like that from my family?”

Thank you for the truth....

...There are two halves to trust, I believe…the part you earn and the part you choose to give. I am afraid of giving my half of the trust. I need it earned back through honesty, openness and being mutually committed to working through and on our relationship.

...what I call disowning is not talking. Silent treatment....What is difficult is not knowing for how long, if anything will be addressed or if it will be ignored…and I confuse this with being punished and ignored. It’s not the same.

I know my voice, my presence in your life is important to you, too. I know this because you have said it was. That may have changed...

...To continue to commit to seeing you and risk it being denied is beyond what I can bear right now. I had hoped maybe next year I would have grown enough to do that.

I realize the consequences...that I may not see either of you again in my lifetime. My very deep, true loss.

....I've been working hard on seeing where I am really rejected, and where I feel it even when I am not...

I'm filled up with sorrow...like thick, wet air inside my body, pushing outward...I have a humid heart...I am sharing what I feel with you, not blaming you.

My compromise was to call, be present, once a week; share what I could of myself, and my family, with you both. Not in person, just the next best thing.

In your card, Mom, you say I have a lot of resentment for your choices.... I know it is my poison...

...I do not believe in shutting you out to protect myself; I believe in not putting myself in harm's way.

To do this, I need to see truth, not my twisted perceptions. I believe I dodge truth, as well. Shade it out of fear of being hurtful. Not being truthful hurts more.

...

I would like to hear and tell truth. I would like to know if you’ve done this with others in your lives, Mom and Dad…who you have stopped speaking to and why. I feel alone in this, as if I’m the one defective person you know. And yes, I feel defective and know I am not...Knowing is one thing--really believing is what I’m working on.

I do not want to have a fear-based relationship. What I shared with you these last few years, Mom, was my deepest fears and feelings; my most ugly self, and I felt accepted and loved anyway. To me, that was evidence there wouldn’t be another time of disownment. That was my assumption and I was wrong. And if your truth is that you don’t want to know details, I respect that. I can share my thoughts, feelings and beliefs without details.

...I’ve learned that 90% of conflicts in relationships are to be understood, not solved. I believe we can come to that understanding through effort, being open and honest, and really accept who we are to each other.

..I know how petty I am inside, not wanting to call and talk to Dad to share my life, my family, without Mom doing the same. I will overcome that when I understand the difference between you both choosing to be united as parents and actually being separate adults. I don’t understand it right now.

Mom, I heard you say, “You have hurt me so much. Hurt me to the bone.” I yelled because I can’t take that blame, being that cause for hurting you by my choices in life, about my life. I cannot do that anymore. Your pain is your own—as is your resentment, anger, fear and love. I will no longer believe I have been or am harmful to you. I choose to believe you own your own emotions, choose your life. My words here are written from pure intent…to be respectful, come from love and honesty. You may feel great pain—I am not doing that. You may believe I do not love you, or love you enough, or in the right way—I honor your choice to believe what you believe. The act of writing my intent, honing it, with great consideration, is my proof. My attempts to connect when we are disconnected is proof of my choice to love you. My influence on you and your life is limited by what you allow.

Please tell me if in your statement you were blaming me for your pain. I took it that way... I would like to know your truth instead. And I would like to know if in the future you will choose do this again, to disconnect.

I know that there are choices I make you do not approve of—and I have taken that disapproval personally, that you don’t approve of me. I strive to separate those because one does not mean the other.

...And I choose to love you and Dad.

This is my love letter.

P.S. ...I heard you say you were sorry for yelling, also.

...I remember in 2003 on the back porch, you asked if I’d forgiven you and I said, yes, of course…you were only doing what you had to do. I betrayed myself then. I’m not doing that now. That adds to my pain, when I do that, and I have falsely believed that added pain came from your choices, when it came from me, taking blame, falsely believing then I could control being excluded by not making you exclude me. I craved your approval, no more disownment. It came from my fear. This request comes from my love."

LA,
Why are you writing the letter?

Please consider carefully. The question has context.

I think you'll understand.

SS

Later Edit
When I read this (what I wrote) the question sounds harsh. Were I asking in person, it would be asked in a quiet voice. You would feel me trying to draw you out. You would feel care, and concern in my voice.
Still, I think you will understand.

I have the same question, LA. What do you want the letter to do? Is it some kind of answer to your mother's cards?

HI LA

I don’t have much to add but I’ve been following this thread and I am proud to be
One of your fans, you have a big strong family here, you have helped a lot of people
Here, you have taught me a lot, I have learned a lot from you.

Now I don’t know how your parents are like, but they are reaching an age where they become stubborn and they start acting like kids again, you know you cannot reason
With older people they think they know everything, the question is (and I think either you
Asked me that or somebody else did),

Do you want to be right or you want a relationship with your parents?

Just my thoughts, I had hard time communicating with my dad at his old age, turned out it was the early stages of Alzheimer.

Remember “ Between Parent and child” ok?
You got the message?

LA you have no idea how much you are appreciated right here, you SHOULD be proud of yourself, no seriously, you SHOULD.


((((((((((LA)))))))))).

I know you will come up on top.

Tony.

Lunamare....huge thanks to you for the editing...and yes, I really like it...sounds more like me, the less-tortured, self-absorbed version me.

:}

I've been working and writing little bits...broke down over HB's marvelous post...called him a few mean names as I blew my nose...so I'm behind on all the responses...and trying to hit a deadline...

I am absorbing, rethinking the entire letter...why do I want to say anything? My last words to them, after hearing my father say Mom wasn't speaking to me because I wasn't safe, were "Well, I'll call you in a few months, I guess."

I'm not proud of that. Hence, the response...and I have the brakes on full...no impulsive reactions...only in my head.

What do I want the letter to do? I'll think on that...

(((SS))) I heard the pure caring you asked...can't help but get that from every post you write...appreciate very much your signal to get underneath, even more, my intent and really look at it.

(((TruBluz))) I'm lost. I don't see all my choices or alternatives.

Luna...Maybe this really isn't the shut out I feared...if she's sending cards, that's contact. I realize I am capable of convincing myself what is and it isn't.

Any direction is appreciated. Are there more choices besides a letter, a call or nothing at all?

LA

At the risk of this sounding like I'm telling you what you are thinking.................

It looks like -
From where I sit reading -

It looks like you want to be loved and understood. It looks like you want to right all the wrongs, set everything straight, make it all better.

It looks like you want to help them see where the mistakes are, on both sides.

It looks like you want to do all this from a safe distance.
(if that were possible)

Are you willing to stick your emotional neck out?

Backtrack:
You are getting such good help, from people who care a lot about you. Look at all who have written to you. Look at how highly they think of you.

You defective?
I think not.

Human?

Yes.

Sometimes makes mistakes?

Yes.

Ah - SOMETIMES makes mistakes.

Sometimes - does not mean ALWAYS.

Neither does it mean NEVER. (grin)

You are human.
Mom and Dad are human.

They might not have read HNHN, or "Love Busters, Habits that destroy romantic love."

They might not understand how to get out of the behaviors that destroy good feelings, and how to get into the behaviors that create good relationships.

You do though - You do.

I wonder what I would write if I were writing your letter.
I wonder if I would write something like this:

(Probably on a nice card that said I loved them.)

Dear Mom, and Dad,
I'm not sure how I got here, or what to do, so how about we start over.

I love you.

I want to apologize for everything. All the hurt, all the mistakes, all the damage, and all the bad feelings.

Can we please start over?

Can I visit you, and hug you and tell you I love you?
Will you do the same for me?

If not, I understand, but I have to try.

Realizing I am human, I will probably still make mistakes in the future. I hope you can forgive me and that we can develop a close relationship that will transcend any differences and be a help to all of us.

Again, I am sorry, and I apologize.
Please tell me what to do next.

Sincerely,
Loving Anyway.



This is just for example, you would have to do it in your own words.

If you stand on a bridge, and look in the water, you see MOVING WATER. There is a good chance you will never see THAT WATER again.

If you want to swim, soak your feet, skip a rock, or get a drink, you catch what ever water is going by right then.

We live in the present. We can't change the past, or see the future. All we can do is our best today.


So.......... What do you want to accomplish with this?

SS

What Still Seeking said. Exactly. LOL.

LA, the letter you wrote is beautiful and clearly heartfelt. But it tries to do so many different things that the purposes kind of get diluted IMO.

I'm reading between the lines and making the assumption that you don't really want to dissect specific problematic instances with your parents, but rather to find a way to start building a new kind of relationship with them. Or at least to apologize to them and clear up the feelings on your side.

If that is correct, then I would focus a much shorter letter on that and I would be broad in my apologies and in expressing my wishes for the future. Just as StillSeeking expressed.

If your goal was to respond to those specific incidents, then do that. And try to do it without globalizing the incidents. But my instinct tells me it is more than that.

Also, there is a bit of a lecturish tone to parts of the letter. I don't know your parents, but mine would respond very poorly to anything that smacked of me trying to correct them. My parents are about ten years older than yours, but they and others of their generation are not, in my expereience, able or willing to deal with their children pointing out their mistakes. If I sent them such a letter, all they would see was the criticism. The love would be lost.

I have found that my parents are open to my pointing out their disrespectful comments in the moment, if I use a mirroring technique and "I" statements to point them out. But I don't think they would deal with it well in a letter. Perhaps your parents are different, but that is my experience.

Whatever you do, don't drop that first paragraph. It is beautiful. As a parent, it is the kind of thing I would remember for a lifetime.

Tru

Hi LA,

I am arriving to this thread very late - have been wrapped up in my own life drama.

This is a great thread and all of the posters have hit upon really good points. I don't know that I am qualified enough to put in my .02 or not, but I will anyway.

Your letter to your parents is beautiful and very heartfelt, but my impression is that it was written almost entirely by that 9 year old child (not a bash - just an observation). Even the parts where I "hear" you taking responsibility - I "see" that 9 year old standing there, with you backing her up.

FOO issues are extremely tough. I believe that we relate to our parents on a continuum - adult on one side, child on the other, one always a part of the other...sometimes more, sometimes less...but never really separate. Don't know if that makes sense or not. Kind of like a heart and head kind of thing. For me, even though I think with the adult head, when it comes to my parents, I feel with the child's heart.

I would ask the same question as SS - what is your intent? Being a veteran fixer myself, and one who likes to wrap everything up in nice little packages, I would ask if your letter is motivated by a desire to "fix" everything with your parents in light of the fact that they are getting older.

I also hear you asking for guarantees that this won't happen again - asking for unconditional love and acceptance.

BTW, I was also unmarried and pregnant at a young age. One of the best things my mother did was to leave the decision of what to do totally up to me. She said at the time "you will have to make this choice because you will have to live with it for the rest of your life". Wise words from someone who never seemed to make decisions that I believed to be wise.

Don't apologize for your decision, don't say that it was wrong, don't agree with her truth. All decisons we make are choices, they lead us where we need to be. In hindsight, we like to look back and validate our choices - good decisions, bad decisions - based on the outcome. I tend to disagree with that type of thinking. I firmly believe that God brings us through the places we need to go and that even the so-called "bad" decisions are the right ones for us at the time. They place us on the right path for this journey that we are on.

My point was that even in that, I heard the 9 year old seeking approval.

Nurture that child LA - she is wonderful, precious, completely lovable. It is possible for us to re-parent our inner child and give them that unconditional love and acceptance that they need. Your "owning your own villagers" thread really spoke to me about that. It made me realize that my inner child seems to be the mayor of the villagers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, SS, Tru and Lizzie...

I was logged in last night and had begun a reply...didn't log out, either, when I got the call to pick up my YS from teh skate park and spend the next four hours in the ER.

Back firmly in my parent role...God's touch, I believe...because I discovered my son fears my anger more than physical pain.

That struck a chord in me.

And yes, I was angry!! He wasn't supposed to be there...had injured his knee the night before...and this 16 and half year old...just got back in school (huge cheers and kudos to him), got his job back, and now, has a broken arm, stitched chin and his $6k of braces are endangered for chipped teeth, one broken.

Part of my anger came from my hidden expectation that our ER days were over...that was definitely my part...DH left work to accompany us and we spent the waiting time recalling all the other visits between our three sons and myself. My DH has yet to break a bone or be in a hospital.

You've asked me my why...and I'm working on it. I have feared their anger more than my pain. I have to recheck that now, because I believe I fear my pain more than their anger...and that's really hard to distinguish.

I haven't been able to get back into my choice space...and I really do see this in my head as feeling like a BH dealing with a WS...not a FWS.

I do.

I know I cannot protect myself from them doing this...yet my heart wants me to. I felt actual nausea when I read SS and Tru's statements to apologize and go on...and no, my head doesn't agree with my body and emotional reactions.

I have said all that I said in my letter in past letters...each time taking full responsibility and more...my blame...to woo them back to speaking to me. I have written these love letters so that I could have a relationship with them at any cost...if they allowed.

Lizzie is right...my inner child is running me right now...and I don't see me backing her up if I don't make a boundary. I grew up boundaryless...I'm still learning I am a self at all...instead of an image created by them. That's where my pettiness comes in...I have a newborn self in me and I don't know how to reconnect this time--but apologizing again and again isn't going to say I'm anything but defective and wrong to me...honestly...I'm not proud to say this.

That moving water, SS...is where I believed I drowned myself...I did that...not them...I cannot undo what they've said...once I did ask, how long? And my Dad told me, "Until you're a decent citizen, a decent person, then we'll consider talking to you." Ended up four years...and a letter much like this one written, labored over...and several others before it, unanswered...cards, etc...all of it...I really don't know what makes them end these times, what one letter contains that others do not...I've believed it is me agreeing with them...apologizing and not doing those things again...in the way they want me to...if I agree with them, then they feel securely loved by me.

I don't trust my voice to speak right now, hence the letter form. I want to act bravely and truely...to them and to myself. I don't want to apologize again and say let's start over again. I don't want to cut them entirely out of my life...and I don't want to have a relationship with them, either, I guess.

I need to be stronger...know that when they judge and tell me who I am, it's their opinion. Like the WS rewriting history and saying how the BS made them have the affair...I know I'm taking what isn't mine to heart. Stabbing my own self with their truth...and that is what I don't understand...why I can't break that, as I did with my DH.

Is it the same thing? My WH came back after he left...he did that only once...he has deep remorse...I don't fear him leaving again...and down the line, he might. How do I get to where I'm okay with or without my parents?

How do I manage to keep any self-respect when I take their opinions as my facts? I've been practicing not doing this for over a year...my Mom can be talking about some new product she wants me to try, or her opinion of clothes and want me to agree...and when I answer, "I can see how you really like that, Mom" she says, "Well, don't you?" and I say, "I don't really have an opinion, Mom. I enjoy hearing about things you're excited about." She replies, "Well, what kind of life are you living? You should care about this."

I am not exaggerating...and I think I have built resentment because of my own expectations...that I finally got decent enough, respectful enough...and it isn't enough. Until I quit what? Quit doing what?

I am immensely blessed, folks. I really am. I am held when I cry, heard and understood by my family...my DH, my sons and friends. My life is bountiful...just as I am. Lots of acceptance and support...honesty. And this from the same people who have chosen to go through this with me again and again.

Can I not want to again because I feel such guilt and shame with my own family? Do I want to protect them from this?

And if so, am I blocking God's work?

I'm so lost. I believe the right thing to do is to have a relationship with my parents...and I am terrified of doing the right thing.

LA

P.S. To Lizzie...how do I reparent my 9yrold? How do I nuture me in that way...my counselor said I had to bring my adult with me when I visited...with boundaries...and to not put myself in harm's way...so I'm torn up and confused...I feel like either I betray myself again or them.

Hi LA -

I've been following this thread, and I had a thought occur to me this morning. If it's been expressed by wiser heads than me, I apologize for repeating it. Not trying to steal anyone's thunder <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Could it be, by attempting to own everything you think you did wrong in their eyes, that you are trying to manipulate (however subconsciously) their response?

Are you afraid that if you don't say the right thing, do the right thing (in their eyes), that you will not be accepted?

Perhaps it's even bordering on a DJ....maybe what you believe to be their expectations, or their point of views, aren't really, but merely your interpretation or understanding?

Separate but equal is what comes to my mind. You are, and always will be, their child. But you are also an adult, a wife, and a mother in your own right.

Both of my parents are gone now, so I don't have parent-child issues to deal with any longer (outside of the ghosts of mom's suicide, and the forever-present pain of my dad's death). But looking back on the last few years of my mom's life, I can see where we were locked in a struggle of trying (and failing miserably) to define our post-childhood relationship, where I was still her son, and she was still my mother, but we were both adults. I think that issue may be playing a role in your current situation.

I could be wrong. It happens...way more than I care to admit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As you've advised me so many times, comfort your inner child. But act from your adult self (ok, so that's a paraphrase <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Define your boundaries. What you will and won't accept. What you will and won't do. Listen to what they want from you - what they really want, and decide if you can meet those expectations.

Tell them what you want - them in your life, a happy, healthy relationship. Tell them what you're willing to do, and what you're not willing to do.

Then let them decide how to react to that - and respect their decision.

You know this, and you can do this. I know you can, because you live it everyday, and it comes through in your writings here on MB.

Beware the trap of trying to get the answer you want (and it's an easy trap to fall into - I spend more time digging myself out of that hole than anything else, it seems).

Few things in life hurt more than rejection from those we most want in our lives - whether that rejection is real or imagined. But that rejection is not a reflection upon who you are. Be honest and true - to yourself above all else.

I hope your son is doing better.

(((LA)))

Thank you, HB, very, very much.

You are right on...I am terribly afraid of putting a boundary in place and enforcing it with them...I don't trust myself. What seems appropriate gets blurred with them. I think it's me finally getting the partner part of marriage and not having a clue in the child-parent relationship.

I can't seem to get the separate but equal in there, from my head to my heart...into my belief system.

Your encouragement is my blessing. Thank you so much.

LA

Tony, I saw your post just now. And I laughed!! Thank you! What a great ShouldAGuy you are.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I believe I would better understand their choices now had they not had this pattern since 1983. I am turning the age my mother was when she married my father, 35 years ago. Somehow, that seemed relevant to share with you.

However, I will keep that possibility in mind, because I know I tend to see them as they were then, when they married, and not see them as now...and they change, too. They are on that same spiral staircase, different rung, same pole...and they see me as the kid I was, too. So they say.

Do I want to be right or have a relationship? I don't know. I think I would be a horrid person if I didn't want it...

Thank you for posting to me...this is a big strong family here. I've been aware of my MB time, how it mirrors my experience with being connected to and disconnected from...I was proud the first time I posted "I have abandonment issues here!" when they deleted their posts or stopped posting altogether. Now you see I wasn't lying (which I might do for a joke...I'm working on that).

Each post is like what I wrote in my letter...and an answering post, the same for me...acceptance, honesty and connection...doesn't depend on agreement, actions or opinions...expressing who we are and what we think, how we feel.

Do you think having MB has worked against me in this regard? Where I formed an expectation from my faith we can all change, live separate and equally...and this is where the source of my pain is coming from, on the inside?

LA

How do I get to where I'm okay with or without my parents?

I don't think you get to that point any more than God gets to the point where he is OK with some of his childen not making it.

However, we need to know and accept things as they really are. Not like them, or stop trying to make them better, but realize what the truth is.

Things are what they really are, and not otherwise. When we understand the true state of things, we have a basis for our future actions in relation to them.

I felt actual nausea when I read SS and Tru's statements to apologize and go on...and no, my head doesn't agree with my body and emotional reactions.

There had to be a starting point to begin this discussion (from this end). Forgive me for causing pain, it was never my intent, though I was afraid you might have these kinds of feelings.

Here are some things to think about.

1. You can't fix other people.

2. You can't teach someone that doesn't want to learn.

I think those two pretty much cover what you need to know to have a relationship with your parents. (Lets lighten this up, I have this big grin on my face while I type - think about these two in this context.) You know, ironic humor. You love them so much, but can't get through to them. See if you can detach a little bit while you read the rest of this.

So anyway, you love these two people, but you can't help them much.

The other side if this is YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.

I see that as the real problem.

Why?

Well, all of us have disfunctional relationships. At least I think so. As I think of my friends, and relations, and examine how they interact with friends and family I see many similarities with what you cope with.

Of course it varies as to the degree of disfunction.

If your purpose in writing the letter is to teach them something, I don't think it will work.

If it's to let them see your side, I don't think they will "get it."

If it's to vent, and get it off your chest........ well, did it work? (another big grin.)

Please don't think I'm making light of your feelings. I want to help you get from where you are, to a place where you can interact with them, take all that they say and let it go, but still love them, and talk to them.

If you feel they are doing it on purpose to torment you, then I would not have contact with them.

If you think they mean well, but go about things the wrong way, (understatement, understatement) then you can probably find a way to make this work.

Let me condense this all down into a few thouhts now -

You can't fix them, so you have two choices (as I see it.)

1. Have no contact with them.

2. Ignore all the **** you get from them, smile, agree that the product is cool, and love them anyway.


I can't do much for them, but I respect you, and want you to get through this.

We really can take the high road, even when others treat us badly. It may take some thought, and some prayer, but I believe you can really make this work for you.

What this is really about to me, is can YOU overcome the way they treat you and be the better person that can change this relationship.

I believe you can.

Look at yourself in the mirror.
Don't you agree with me?


If you see the same person I see, you'll be impressed. I think she has a lot more going for her than SHE sometimes thinks she does.

SS