What I wrote was not relevent?

LA,

Here is my experience with re-parenting my inner child. This was something that I did a lot of work on quite a few years ago. An ongoing process - she lets me know when I need to give her more attention.

A little background _ from the time I was 5 until the time I was 9, I was molested by my father and also physically abused. On some level, my mother knew. I had horrible nightmares, wet my pants, bit my nails, jumped at the slightest sound, and complained about hurting "down there". Her solution - a trip to the doctors and a prescription for chloral hydrate to make me sleep at night. THe result = easier target for my father.

I only remebered the fact that I was given this awful, smelly, green medicine to drink before bed to help me sleep. I'll never forget my experience as a new nurse - opening a bottle of chloral hydrate to give to a patient for sleep, to see that color and smell that smell, and to have it feel like I just got punched in the stomach. I remembered, but I pushed it away.

Years later, an abusive marriage and panic attacks led me to seek help and that is where I learned about the inner child.

First, I wrote a letter to my father - one that I knew I wouldn't send. I blasted him, I raged, cried, screamed, hared, ranted. I let it all out. My counselor told me to just write - straight from the haeart - no do-overs, no restraint. I did the same with my mother. I shared those letters with the counselor and got the one thing I needed to start my healing - validation.

I had been hurt - period. The child doesn't need to justify. And in all of our dealings with our parents, a piece of that child remains - hence my statement about not being able to fully separate. Maybe compartmentalizing is more appropriate. Accept that the feelings belong to the child, but the actions need to come from the adult.

For me, I found a picture of myself at 5. I carried it with me everywhere. At first I needed to take out the picture in order to help me keep the distinction between what was hers and what was mine. I embraced the fact that this innocent and trusting child was still in me and that nobody had helped her to heal. I went about reparenting her, treating her like I would my own child.

I learned to see that she was behind the fears and the hurts. And when I was hurting I would stop - everything - and I would talk to her. I would validate her. I would literally hug myself, rub my arms, speak to myself in soothing and reassuring tones. I would do those things for me that I would do for my own children. I would tell her that I was there for her, that I could protect her now. I drew her a warm bath, I tucked her into bed, I bought her fuzzy slippers, and I kept telling her she was loved and safe.

All internal work. Recognizing what was missing, and providing it. Validating the hurts, providing those guarantees. I couldn't expect others to not disappoint me, but I knew I had the means to protect my inner child once I acknowledged her and accepted responsibility for her.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I hear your inner child calling out for love.So yes, bring your adult to her, care for her, but your boundaries lie in knowing what is hers and what is yours. Something that I KNOW you can do.

(((((LA)))))

An extra that I don't always share - a poem I wrote to my inner child - because I think it might help you:

She sits in silent blackness
She's been waiting there for years
Trapped benaeth the layers
Of secrets, lies, and fears

Her pain had never mattered
Cries of torment reached deaf ears
Wandering, bruised and battered
Lost in loneliness and tears

I found her trembling in a corner
I forgot that she was there
Among my heart's wreck and ruin
Where it hurt too much to care

Can I tell you that I'm sorry
For the pain you've had to bear
For the burden that you carried
Because no one else was there

I wish I could have spared you
From those things so unjust
From the shame you thought belonged to you
From those who stole your trust

But I can't take back yesterday
So today, we'll start anew
Up til now it wasn't possible
Because inner child, I was you.

Oh, LA, thank you. I really needed to hear that again.

My thoughts and my prayers are with you.

LA,

Now I'm the one with abandonment issues, wondering if you overlooked my second reply to you or if you just didn't like it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

But I'm going to plunge ahead anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I understand some of the feelings you are going through. My parents kicked me out of their house when I was 16. It was just for a day, but I was thoroughly terrified for the entire day, wondering where I was going to sleep that night and how I was going to take care of myself. While that day is no longer as close to the surface of my memory as it once was, your posts about your FOO and your pain and fear remind me so much of my own pain. As I'm typing, I can nearly taste the fear, so thick and heavy and choking.

I have not yet set boundaries with them. Physical space has helped a lot, as they live across the country now and no longer expect to see or hear from me as much as they did.

They have not apologized or asked forgiveness. I have told them how badly I was hurt, and they replied by professing that their pain was greater.

Now, after all these years, I can see that they were struggling, doing the best they knew how to do at the time. And I can see that they have changed in a lot of ways.

They still aren't the parents I wanted, though, and SS is right, of course: I can't change them or teach them.

Can you do a 180 with your parents? Can you stop pursuing them, remain engaged if they choose to reach out to you, and yet be prepared to enforce boundaries if needed? Even if they choose not to pursue you, I see that as being better for you than throwing yourself at their feet, twisting yourself up to try to be the "decent citizen" they say you should be.

Can you let go?

I think you should still write the letter, and use it as a tool to really clarify what you are thinking, feeling, and believing. And then NOT send it. Maybe share it with DH, to get that validation you are missing?

I agree with SS about your two choices: End contact or maintain contact but drop expectations. Whichever you choose, I think you can still love them anyway.

I don't think you will be ready to make that choice until you have fully worked through what you're feeling now, which is why I think the letter is still important for you to work on.

One final thought: I want to second what SS said --



In your corner,
HTBH

Wow, I feel so totally under-qualified to respond much, with all the great responses that are here already.

There are really some very wise people around here. I feel so lucky to have cound this place!

The one thing I did pick up on was: "Do I want to be right or have a relationship? I don't know. I think I would be a horrid person if I didn't want it...".

Similar comments are repeated a few times in your more recent posts ....


I've shared that I have disconnect issues with my dad. I used to call and write and e-mail him over and over, trying to get his acknowledgement. Acknowledgement meant approval, acceptance, being loved. It never came. Two years of that, and only two responses in that entire time.

I thought that I couldn't stop making the effort, that I'd be a bad daughter if I didn't stop trying to connect, trying to show my love and get his back in return.

My counselor at the time had me put a stop to it. I wasn't a bad daughter, and trying to grovel and beg and push him for something that he didn't want was just bringing myself more pain, and not having any effect on him.

I thought it would be a horrible, disrespectful, sinful thing to admit that I didn't want to deal with that pain anymore and to quit trying to beg for his approval.

But my counselor said it was more disrespectful to not let him make the choice. To force a relationship on someoen who doesn't want it.

So I disconnected from him. I sent him a little card with all of my contact information on it and said I'd love to hear from him whenever he wanted, and he was always invited to come visit, etc. Didn't cut him off, but let him set the terms for what kind of relationship he wanted, and still got to set my own terms for what's alright to me.

Maybe this is getting convoluted, but I'm trying to say that you aren't a horrible person to have boundaries, even if they are with your parents. Heck, you're the one who taught me that NOT having boundaries and not enforcing them is what's really disrespectful.

Even with your parents.

That doesn't make you horrible or wrong or bad. It does help you be loving and respectful.


-AmI.

Hi LA,

I hear a desire on your part to want a relationship with your parents..... their acceptance....their love...

...and from some of the exchanges you quote from your parents, I sense some 'manipulation' on their part towards you to either be, do or say what they would like...or, as you say, in order to fulfill their need to have you 'agree' with them to feel accepted....in exchange...

...but it is at your expense....if you have to 'agree' with them even if you don't.....and you will have to evaluate if the price to pay is too high, or not....

...maybe, an attitude of 'agree to disagree' would be better in relation to certain 'issues' or 'events'..... and leave it at that......and limit yourselves for some time on enjoyable activities when you do speak or see each other....

...along the lines of a PLAN A for your parents.....

... I do think that boundaries in a relationship with our parents are harder to put in place than, say, with a WS, because we only has ONE set of parents who are not 'replaceable'.....and also because somehow we regress back to a sense of powerlessness and 'boundarylessness' we felt as a child when dealing with our parents...when we felt wholly 'dependant' on them....and 'fearful' of losing them...being rejected by them, etc etc

...and forget, that we are in the present and are no longer 'dependent' on them....and that we 'choose' when to see them... it's a challenge to work at changing the 'dynamics' of the child-parent relationship to an adult-adult relationship

I also wonder, LA, if you are looking to have a relationship with your parents that they are not 'able' to really have with you given the kind of persons they are and you are.....

....maybe part of the process may involve 'accepting' your parents' limitations.... without having to 'betray' yourself.....

I know that in my case, I love my parents very much and I know that they love me very much...and I do not fear losing their love....however, I know that given the kind of upbringing they have had, their beliefs, their experiences....I choose to limit their involvement or awareness of my day-to-day challenges..... that role in my life used to be played by S, and it is now being taken over by very 'good friends'.....seeing that WS is off with OW!

....and I do think that maybe you, yourself, may have to be the 'adult' that will reassure the 'little girl' inside of you....as your parents may not be up to the task...no matter how badly she needs it!

LA, thank you again for sharing....as no one, I think, can deny that one way or another, our parents are 'key players' in defining who we are!

Sorry to hear about your DS!

SS, you are God-sent...and yes, I'm saying that with a BIG GRIN (and teary eyes, but it's a start)...

:::tearing up my edited 40-times letter:::

Yes, I wanted to fix (to protect myself).

I choose not to.

Yes, I wanted to get them to see what it feels like on this side...which is disrespectful and not in God's design...otherwise, he'd have made a switch we could flip and BE in someone else temporarily.

And yes...this is exactly what I want to know most:

"However, we need to know and accept things as they really are. Not like them, or stop trying to make them better, but realize what the truth is.

Things are what they really are, and not otherwise. When we understand the true state of things, we have a basis for our future actions in relation to them. "

I fear my filter with them is so damaged and out of whack that I can't see how things really are or accept I can't see them, either. Honestly. I know I have built this prison in my filter of all my stuff...justifying, letting go, pulling all that I let go back to me, almost behind my own back...building walls when I wanted to make boundaries...

I can't tell if they do stuff to intentionally harm...honestly, I don't know. I lived as if they did not ever act from meanness, retaliation or malicious intent. I lived and breathed the "they know not what they do, Lord"...and I did that with my marriage, too, until I learned he did know, was capable and conscious...which relieved me greatly...and got me to look at my meanness, retaliatory choices and malicious intent.

I watched them do harmful stuff to others..."That'll fix his wagon!" stuff. I listened to them eliminate groups of people based on race, economic status, and religion. I was of their race, economic status and religion...and they still did it to me. I don't know what they do delibrately or unintentionally.

I can't tell the difference. Can you help me tell the difference? I know that believing blindly that they are doing all of it unintentionally isn't respectful, nor is my choosing to believe they do it all intentionally...somewhere in the middle...probably involves asking, doesn't it, as we go along? Dang. Can you make it easier than that?

Please?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And no, my vent here and in the letter doesn't seem to be helping. I'm hearing weiney whiner weak sniveling and over sensitive in my head. I'm hearing "why haven't you gotten this yet? What good are you?" And the one that lasts..."No one else sees the real you. I do. You can fool them but you can't fool me." I know where those voices come from...and that's what I hear when I look in my mirror.

Okay...SS, are you saying...taking the high road...to earn my own self-respect, to be open to what God is showing me, possibly, to really learn to do this with anyone...not take what is theirs as mine...to attempt to connect and let the results go...

(Standing tribute to HB)...To act from my code and not be response-based. To listen and love anyway.

SS...agreeing the product is cool...that my sister is a bad mother...that her son is spoiled...that my son is spoiled rotten...that I can't do. I need to separate those differences...agree to what truly is benign and stay silent on the stuff that isn't. To stay honest, considerate and present...is that it, SS?

I believe I was doing this, SS...this last year especially...felt closer and safe for them to be closer to me...guess I'm wondering how did I get here? Doesn't really negate the last year, does it? Change my intent...to do it for me, for who I am, not doing it to not be shut out...

Am I close?

Thank you for your respect and encouragement. Your prayers matter to me.

LA

LA:

I'm trying hard not to project my own stuff with my parents/husband onto you, but I'm not sure I'm being totally successful. So please keep that in mind.

I wonder if you are not doing what I did for so long with my husband -- beating my head against a brick wall. I spent most of two decades thinking that if I could just find the right words or the right actions, I could convince my husband to be what I so desperately wanted him to be. I spent four decades doing the same thing with my parents.

I really thought that they just didn't understand what I was asking for. What arrogance, huh? Both my husband and my parents are bright people who totally understood what I was asking for. They just had no intention of changing to be what I wanted. Darn them!

All I got out of that approach was frustration and rejection. Wash, rinse, repeat.

If you have been saying these same things over and over to your parents for years, then I think perhaps you may want to consider that they are deliberately not accommodating you because they don't want to. It won't matter what words you use, or what carrots you hold out for them.

This is them choosing to be who they are. It says nothing at all about you. Or even about how much they love you. Nothing that they say is a "fact" about you. None of their opinions or judgements about you belong to you. It is all theirs.

For me, when I stopped trying to change my parents, stopped trying to "teach" them by sharing my opinions of them, I was able to step back to a place where I could have an adult relationship with them.

What I discovered when I did that is that the kind of relationship I had always wanted with them and tried to manipulate them into was one that would have been appropriate in my childhood; not one that would work for an adult. I wanted them to love me in the ways that they were unable/unwilling to when I was a child. Even if they could have done that, it would not have given me what I needed as an adult.

Now, I use the same rules in relating to my parents that I do with any other adult -- I do my best not to offer advice unless asked. I do not criticize, I do not accept disrespect, nor give it and I do not get overly personal with them.

My advice to you would be to apologize for raising your voice, reiterate your love and let it go.

Tru

LA -

I've debated with myself whether to share this or not, and decided that I will. If for no other reason than to give you a sense of solidarity - that you are not alone in dealing with issues of FOO. If you can get more than that from this, bonus. If it is totally useless to you, I'll accept that too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A little background. The first 10 years or so of my life my mom was not a happy person - battled depression and suicide. My dad stuck by her, and with the help of counselors and a lot of self-work, she got to a better place. I left home when I got my commission in the Navy, and when I returned home 7 years later a lot had changed (I visited once or twice a year every year). The changes were gradual, but to me it seemed sudden.

My mom gradually lost all of the hard work she'd put into herself, as the world as she knew it crumbled around her, primarily the decline (and eventual death) of my dad, who was very much her anchor in this world. I was not prepared for the dramatic changes at home when I returned, and did not deal well with it, IMO. It was at this time that I was building my relationship with MP, which put further demands on my time and (from her point of view) took me away from her, to one degree or another.

We gradually became estranged (and I was disowned for a short period of time - we reconciled, to some degree, about a month before dad passed away); mom committed suicide a month after my daughter was born (neither of my parents ever met my daughter). I carried a lot of guilt for her suicide, and a good deal of bitterness towards her for that choice. My dad's one request of me (his only son - and his only child) that I look after mom after he was gone (he was 22 years her senior), and I felt that I had not fulfilled my promise to him. Mom's suicide (and my detiorating relationship with her) are generally agreed between MP and I to be the point where things in our marriage started going south (not assigning blame to mom for that, just acknowledging the event). Mom's suicide is something that I never really dealt with until recently.

What follows below is a journal entry I wrote in February. I wrote it at the instruction of the counselor we were seeing at the time. He had me write down a list of all the things I had lost in my life, including things related to the affair, and then wanted me to tackle one at a time. He intended for me to work on the A related stuff first, but I tackled mom first. It was probably one of the hardest things I ever wrote - very few things can make me cry, but writing this was one. It was my attempt to....repair what I could, forgive what needed to be forgiven, and declare my feelings for my mom once and for all. So here goes. Take from it what you can.

==========================================================

Mom's suicide. That's a toughy. Where to begin? Now that I've got a few tears out of my system. I know, on an intellectual level, that her suicide was not my fault. It was her choice. But I cannot dismiss my mom's suicide without acknowledging my contributions to the state of her mind and well-being.

We pushed each other away. I did not want to deal with her. And her emotions. And her moods. I didn't just move her down my priority list, I dropped her off it completely. I was not willing to be there for her. When I was, it was a grudging presence. I was selfish.

Was I always such a selfish person? What happened? Where did my servant nature go? Did I ever have one? I think I did. I thought I did.

No wonder life gets so difficult for me sometimes. I have lost (or worse, never had) a servant attitude. Wonderful. I'm more dysfunctional than I thought.

OK. That was the old me. I'm a new me by the grace of God. But I still have to deal with the fallout of the old me. The selfish, arrogant, what's-in-it-for-me masquerading as a servant and nice guy me.

Mom's last words to me were (on a voice mail) "too little, too late." Chances are good that by the time I got the message, she was dead.

So what did I do? I got mad at her and did not even bother to call her back. I abandoned her again. And about 60 hours later I got a phone call telling me the police had entered her room and found her dead by suicide. Her body was cremated before we could see her.

I never got to say goodbye! I lost the opportunity to repair things between us. I wasted prior opportunities. I completely failed to honor my Dad's one wish - that I look after mom and take care of her after he was gone.

And I wonder why I have problems in my life now? Maybe I'm incapable of having successful relationships. I am changing for the better, but I obviously haven't done so well in the past.

Complete lack of closure. That, coupled with my failure, is what tears me up so much. How do you make things right with someone who's dead? You can't.

Mom's suicide note ended with "Forgive me for your sakes." How can you forgive someone who's dead? It's not like I can call up Heaven and say I forgive you for your cruel, selfish act. She might not accept it even if I could.

I have to let this go. But it is so entwined in who I am, buried so deep in me, that I'm not sure how to disentangle myself from it. I have to forgive to move forward. Forgive in my heart and mind, at least, even if I can't forgive in person. It's a process. It takes time. But every process has a beginning (and an end). This one starts now.

Mom, I forgive you. For everything you did that hurt me, intentional or not. I am so very sorry for what I did (and didn't) do that left you believing you had no family left. I did love you - not always the person you were acting, but the person you truly were. You taught me many good things. My failures are my own, not due to anything you did or didn't do raising me. I miss the mom I knew in the last half of my childhood. She was not there when I came back, and I didn't bother to dig for her. You are, and will be, missed. You lived your life as best you could. While I do not agree with your final choice, it was ultimately yours to make, and I respect and accept that. I do not and will not judge you on the basis of one act, however permanent and tragic it was. It does not define who you really were. I will cherish the many good memories, and dismiss the bad ones. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and training me up to be a Godly man. It took a long time, and a good deal of tragedy but it finally sank in. I release you. Rest in the comfort and glory of God with Dad. I will see you again. When I do, I will tell you I love you, for I do. Past, present and future. I love you and miss you.

I need to get in on this discussion and I'm not sure how to do it...this site confuses me..any help?

Same way you posted to other threads, ALF...using the reply button or the quick reply below.

Welcome.

Luna, HB, Tru and HTBH...I'm digesting all of this...feeling very moved. Gonna post when I get home.

LA

Lizzy,
Your poem made me cry. I don't do that much these days, I thought reading on MB for 4 years had burned it all out of me. It's important we come to know and love ourselves. We have to like us before we can like others correctly.

LA,
I have read everyone's posts, and you have such good help. I would like to comment on what everyone has said, and how it applies, but I don't dare take that kind of time. I'm going to go long as it is. Such great help!! From people who love you, and know your worth.



Yes, I wanted to get them to see what it feels like on this side...which is disrespectful and not in God's design...otherwise, he'd have made a switch we could flip and BE in someone else temporarily.

I think it a good thing for them to understand your thoughts and feelings. If they were humble, and teachable, you could try it........... but I am not seeing that.

I was affected by the emotion in your letter, but I don't believe they would see it the same way. Please don't feel bad about wanting to be understood. It is one of the yearnings of the human heart, and it's importnant and good. It's just not helpful to share with people who won't listen.



I fear my filter with them is so damaged and out of whack that I can't see how things really are or accept I can't see them, either. Honestly. I know I have built this prison in my filter of all my stuff...justifying, letting go, pulling all that I let go back to me, almost behind my own back...building walls when I wanted to make boundaries...

Or perhaps it's not helpful to share deep feelings with people who don't care how we feel.

You care.
You hurt when others hurt, you feel pain when others are struggeling. Not everyone is like you are. I think part of the problem is that you can't figure out why they can't understand what you understand.

Your heart may be different, but many of your coping skills come from them, because they raised you and taught you. Some things may need to be re-learned. I think the boundaries/walls thing will work itself out over time.

This might be the right time go find a good IC. I think it could really help. We are a support group, I think regular visits with a pro could really make a difference for you.

I can't tell if they do stuff to intentionally harm...honestly, I don't know.

It occurs to me that even people who mean well can do damage. Perhaps intent is not nearly as important as how it affects you. You want so much to be accepted, and loved. They are not letting you in though.


I watched them do harmful stuff to others..."That'll fix his wagon!" stuff. .................................
I can't tell the difference. Can you help me tell the difference? I know that believing blindly that they are doing all of it unintentionally isn't respectful, nor is my choosing to believe they do it all intentionally...somewhere in the middle...probably involves asking, doesn't it, as we go along? Dang. Can you make it easier than that?

Please?

There is no magic on this end - LOL. It would be easy to say: "Protect your feelings, cut them off, let them deal with it."
I suspect you are not so worried about your feelings as we are. You just want it all to work out, even if it hurts.

It's like you want to grab them and shake them and say "HEY, there are two sides to this WHY ARE YOU NOT SEEING ALL THE SIDES !!"

Take a few months and think about it. What do you want? How much can you stand? Will they EVER get it?

It's been years - a few more months won't hurt.

[n] I'm hearing weiney whiner weak sniveling and over sensitive in my head.[/b]

When I read your letter I was thinking how badly you had been hurt, and how much you wanted it to have a real, loving relationship with your parents.

I'm hearing "why haven't you gotten this yet? What good are you?" And the one that lasts..."No one else sees the real you. I do. You can fool them but you can't fool me." I know where those voices come from...and that's what I hear when I look in my mirror.

All of us have good, and bad sides. Our struggle is to reduce the bad, cultivate the good. They have the same struggle, and they may be losing the battle to the bad side. I am sorry for them, I wish it were different, and that they were offering peace, but sadly they are not. I have no idea if they will ever respond and love you as they ought. We can only try.

Okay...SS, are you saying...taking the high road...to earn my own self-respect, to be open to what God is showing me, possibly, to really learn to do this with anyone...not take what is theirs as mine...to attempt to connect and let the results go...

Yep, you got that part.

From first CORINTHIANS CHAPTER 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth............

There is no reason you have to have the same faults they have. To take the high road, is to have charity. To love them and want the best for them no matter how they treat you.


SS...agreeing the product is cool...that my sister is a bad mother...that her son is spoiled...that my son is spoiled rotten...that I can't do. I need to separate those differences...agree to what truly is benign and stay silent on the stuff that isn't. To stay honest, considerate and present...is that it, SS?

I shouldn't have said it the way I did. You don't need to agree with them, but you do need to acknowledge their feelings. They have a right to their own feelings. We can listen and acknowledge someone else's feelings without agreeing with them. This is something I am working on....... "Wow, you seem to have strong feelings about that - it's really important to you, isn't it."

If they demand you agree with them, it's not healthy for you to spend much time with them. If they are demanding you acknowledge their feelings, and listen, it's Ok. Everyone wants respect. They do, and you do - your letter is a cry for respect.

What will the cost be (to you) to spend time with them?

Is it a price you ARE WILLING to pay?

Is it a price YOU ARE ABLE to pay?

Do you understand the difference?

I believe I was doing this, SS...this last year especially...felt closer and safe for them to be closer to me...guess I'm wondering how did I get here? Doesn't really negate the last year, does it? Change my intent...to do it for me, for who I am, not doing it to not be shut out...


Stephen Covey in "7 Habits" says we should first seek to understand, and THEN seek to be understood. If last year was good, look for the reasons. Try to understand them - why they are the way they are. Is it becasue they are shallow, mean, and small? Or is it because they lack knowledge, and they are afraid? I don't have these answers, and you may not, but you can get them if you listen, learn, and have charity. And BTW, I recommend "7 Habits" if you haven't read it.

Am I close?

You tell me -

You are close if you are feeling like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you feel trapped, and like you have no hope, then maybe not.


LA,
You are a wonderful person with so much going for you. Lets see - I was going to close, but maybe we can talk a little more just for background.

Jesus Christ -
His struggles.......

What was the greatest problem Jesus faced in his life?
Was it the Jewish government, wicked men, and the roman soldiers?

Or was it the battle inside his own head?

From Matt 26:

39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this ccup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. ................

42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.


From Luke 22:
44 And being in an aagony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

He had his struggles. The worst ones were INTERNAL.

I think ours are the same. All of us have problems, but what do we do with them?

Remember that this is a PROCESS. You can't turn a switch and have it all be OK. It's going to take time to work through it.

Maybe a lifetime.

SS

(((((LA.)))))
Sorry about your DS hope he will be ok.

Now I don’t know what are the specific issues with your parents, but they are close to 80, they will not change, I am a man of science and math, logic is my domain,
IMHO, pinpoint or summaries the problems, see which ones you can live with, which ones you can apologize for, and which ones you can change, and just get to the point,
Chare your feelings in a direct and subtle way, don’t let them read between the lines,
And make it short.

If it was me I would rather do it in person, this was your advice to me remember, people
Tend to filter the words, and read between the lines.

My 2 c.

Tony.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with all the responses...I believe them to be compassionate, heartfelt and messages from God. I really do.

Lizzie...your poem flattened me. Yes, I will work on reparenting my child...and I'm keeping your poem to remind me, if that's okay...beautifully written and poignant.

HB...your letter and post didn't just move me, it shoved me. I needed that, thank you.

I have decided to call them tonight, at my regular time...to reiterate the apology and be open, just open...with both feet set firmly in my own space, not theirs...no rehashing or demands...knowing they are, as Tony said, maybe set deeply in who they are, and I will respect that they are as I am, humanly vulnerable, equal and separate...and they cannot define me without my permission.

I got very lost, dear folks...and you not only pointed to the signs in front of me already, but made them glow kindly, with a lot of love, I believe...and connection. That void I've had for as long as I can recall closed a lot from your efforts, time and attention. I know it will be returned to you a thousand fold.

Rin...I will look for the good things--thank you for that reminder.

HTBH...thank you for guiding me back when I needed those questions asked, for editing and wrestling with me...clearing my ancient fog...and I will count on you to do that if I get closed up by it again, 'k?

SS...your words are now held in my heart and the forefront of my mind. I'm using them to bolster my resolve, ease my chest and I'm going to breathe them this evening when I dial that number...letting go the response and acting from love. And I do believe in this thread, I was asking you all to take this cup from me...magically...please...and I know it's mine and God holds it with me. I do. Thank you for giving that belief right back to me.

I cherish your honesty and effort very much. AmI...thank you for calling out, asking where I was...which provided me an opportunity to do just that, to get from there back to here.

LA

P.S. Alf? If you want to post, please do...I'll look for your thread and ask, in case you lost your way back here, 'k?

All the best LA.
All the best.

I'll be praying for you.

SS

Edited to add:
Let us know how it goes, and how you feel about it. Later, when you have had time to process it, and to think.
Thanks for sharing. You are much more than you sometimes think you are.

I asked DH to sit with me while I made the call...and we held hands...

My mother answered the phone and we asked each other how we were, chatted, told her about YS, and then I said I was sorry for raising my voice; and she said...

What's done is done. It's in the past.

(at that point, I smiled at DH and nodded...and he proceeded to lay down on the couch with his feet in my lap and fell asleep)

She told me about her week and health. And we ended with the weather.

As she turned the phone over to my Dad, we each said ILYs.

It was as it was before.

I believe prays are answered. I helped with waiting, pondering and examining. I was helped very much by all of you helping me to wait, ponder and examine. Sorting out my feelings, my perspective and perception.

You helped me to see what was real and what wasn't; what I wanted and why...which made all the difference tonight.

I helped by not mapping out the conversation, going through several possible scenarios and working myself up to that super sensitivity level which has been my previous downfall.

I'll keep practicing that.

And I realized, thanks to Rin, that I've stayed on MB, in part, due to my mom. She exampled connecting to other people, and does so still, at the cancer clinic, bonding and helping, from her own experience, and praying and sharing with many people.

I'm blessed to have that example.


SS, "You are much more than you sometimes think you are."

Thank you for saying that. I forget we humans can act bigger than we are today, expand into who we believe we can become and look back later, realizing we really are.

After the call, I felt a little relieved, pretty peaceful, and a bit wistful. No sorrow watering my heart.

Gratitude is swelling my throat quite a bit, posting to you all. I really know right now, I'm not alone.

Thank you.

LA

LA- That is sooo beautiful...and moving...my heart was move because I called my mom a little earlier to. I was feeling before tonight that her and I's conversation seemed a little forced, but tonight was wonderful...

We didn't speak long, but it was great...the emotions were true...and my early B-day present is gorgeous. I sure didn't know that Father's day and that call I decided to make would be a new beginning for me and FOO.

Well, Twinner, phone calls to mom at the same time...what next?

Thank you for acknowledging my post...I deleted the orginial contents because...well, I was so far off the mark with the other posts...that's mine...

...overcoming fear and jumping into the fire I created in my mind was the hardest part of FOO...

I wanted to hop in on the LA love train and give my hugs.

{{LA}}

You were there in my posts when I was down and didn't know what I wanted. You encouraged me to post about my IC (of which I've missed 3 sessions now due to the job lay-off ), and helped me to find direction.

I appreciate you for your help, and apologize if I was ever too needy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thank you.

((((((LA)))))

I never doubted you, I’m glad you decided to call instead of sending a letter,

Your words to me” direct is the way to connect”, strange is in it us humans we can always give a good advice for others, but when we are in the middle of the fire storm,
We forget our own words.

Good luck to you.

I wish I could say I was doing as good, my wife is back in her fog, I thought she snapped out of it 2 weeks ago, and she did, I had my wife back for one whole week, and I enjoyed
It. Oh well.

Tony.

Twin Rin,

I didn't know you deleted anything...what you posted stayed in my head...and I read about the early Bday gifts...which came at a needed time, which seems to double the love, doesn't it?

"overcoming fear and jumping into the fire I created in my mind was the hardest part of FOO..." This really summarizes me very well...thanks.

I think our merry band of super heroes we're concocting can have the group title of "Fear FOO Fighters"...whaddya think?

We might have to learn to sing, even.

Rogue,

Thank you for the hug and the explanation of why your great IC thread faded away...I didn't connect the two, so I wondered why you weren't forking over the goods anymore.

Too needy? I laughed out loud at that...that's exactly what this thread seemed to be about for me...and these people gave, anyway. Thanks for bringing that to the front of my mind, too. Your apology isn't accepted.

:P

Tony,

I really did need my words, which I learned from SS and Tru, and others, returned to me...you nailed that. The gift that they did...that YOU did...continues.

I read about the fog return...and I didn't know where to post a reply...your fear of her reading your posts...well, I'm not bright enough to write in code, I guess. Trust that there's a reason you got your W back for one week...that maybe God's hand was in there, to remind you of what you are really fighting for, that it exists and it's true.

I remember the setbacks and they were like DDays again...and what I just experienced on this thread...felt like a setback, another FOO DDay...and it wasn't. You're on a higher rung of that spiral staircase, facing the same pole, and there's a different view...remember that...and I'll return the generous favor of reminding you, when you need it, 'k? 'Cuz that's what you did for me, too, when I needed it most.

LA

LA - I found out that I may be elligible to continue my IC sessions for free because of my current financial crisis. I am going up there on Monday to find out, and hopefully I can start again this coming week. I'll update my IC post and let you know what I find out!

Ultimately, I guess it's okay to be needy sometimes. And these circumstances.. the ones that bring us into this forum.. are definitely worthy of it.

Thanks again. {{LA}}