Hi, LA.

I've been thinking about you and prayingfor you! Having neverlost a parent, I just can't imagine how hard it must be to lose your mother, twice now. I think about my mom, and the thought of losing her just breaks my heart for you.

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling!

I'm definitely not the enmeshment expert. You know I still struggle with that myself, so I don't have any advice, really. But there was something that struck me in your post:
"My mother was still angry with me since July...she went into the hospital on 11/15 and asked my father not to tell me."

I saw this as two separate things. Her asking youe Dad not to call you separate from whether or not she was still angry with you.

I remember you talking about things smoothing out with your Mom since July. That she was taking your weekly phone calls and you had both come to a bit of a truce -- big steps for her, right? So why not see that: several months of a pattern, instead of just the one request not to call you, when you're looking for evidence of how angry she still was or wasn't?

And even if she was still angry and trying to punish you in some way, that doesn't mean you ARE punished, right? YOU taught ME that, remember?


You are an amazing, loving woman, and you know that you loved your mother, even when you had to have boundaries that protected you both. You acted out of love, and you continue to do so. She won't be forgotten, because you remembered her and still carry her on. There's no need for redemption from any of that.


Sending you lots of hugs and prayers and thoughts.

-AmI.

I won't presume to say what God wants to teach you, but one thought that struck me in reading your post here is that the one person who regrets your mother's decision not to call you more than you do is probably her. If she knew what lay ahead of her in those few days, she would have wanted to see you. Of that I am sure.

And I am sure that when you are reunited with her once again that she will tell you so, if such earthly concerns are even part of us in heaven.

Try to forgive her that last bit of negativity, if it was indeed that. It was her choice. It reflects nothing whatsoever on you.

Prayers and thoughts remain with you.

Tru

Thank you, everyone...I'm ready, again, to look at this...and your posts bear a lot of truth I needed to hear...thank you.

Here's my truths:

I believe I could have acted better to repair our rift...I could have sent cards, because I know she loved cards...and I did not...I mailed Thanksgiving cards the day before she died...and I did put hers into her casket...not enough...too little too late. Her love language was cards...words of appreciation, affirmation. I knew this.

I did not call the Friday before she went into the hospital...I was being petty...my parents do not call me...I call them...it was my birthday that week and I was disappointed they didn't call on it...knowing they didn't call. Again, not to my code at all...reactive and petty. I'm having a difficult time with this because of all the calls my father did make to me the day she died. My wishful child still believes in causing stuff...like, well, if you wanted them to call you, here you go.

And what caused our blowout remains, too...I missed the intimacy with my Mom, which is the very thing that caused me to get disinvited again...so that duality is tiresome, awful to wrestle...and I think it has bigger meaning in my life than I'm willing to face right now.

My amends...creating a photo album, writing her eulogy, giving it...writing notes and gifts of her stuff to others who loved her deeply...dressing in her clothes, wearing her makeup...staying conscious last week of how she wanted the world to see her...they seem like extremely weak amends.

HB...knowing you know, can feel and experience what I feel is of great comfort. Reminding me that unrelenting two-way street God designed...forgiving ourselves enables us to forgive others...and there's something in me that doesn't want to be forgiven. All the old stuff is right here, filling me up...punishing, blaming, shoulding and definitely should notting...I think this will pass, too.

And yes, I will write that letter someday...and knowing you're out there, living and loving, truly thriving, through all of this...is of great comfort to me, and I do believe your choice to reach out is a rare and wonderful blessing; you're authentic and true...and that's a guide for me. Thank you.

Tony - "I think the message that god is trying to relay to you, is simply don’t do what your mother did, don’t let anger and resentment keep you away from your loved ones."

I think these are wise words...and I am taking them into me to rest, consider, hold and remember.

SS - I've been thinking...I already mentioned some above...others are...I could have spoken...last year...I do realize I asked why she changed her mind about Christmas...I regret I accepted her lies...I chose to believe...and the next...and the next...I'm angry at myself for that, for knowing better and not doing better.

I regret not doing something big for their 35th anniversary in June...I believe I was nursing my resentment from pain and anger all year...and like Tony said, may be that this will end that for me...that deep permission I have in myself to still earn/punish...and it messes greatly with my own boundary to NOT do this...much self-anger...

It was hard at the funeral where people didn't know me, and I didn't know them...having only been back with my family the last three years...and that feels as if I had that control, and I didn't. I know I didn't. Wonder when my heart will know.

AmI--I know my mother was still angry because that's what my father said when he told me..."As you know, your mother is still angry with you, and she didn't want me to call you to tell you she was in the hospital. Please don't tell her I told you."

He'd had a recent bout with her anger...back in October, I had called and we talked, and she said my father was down the street visiting...then he emailed a few days later saying, "I know your mother told you I was in my hometown at my high school reunion" and went on to tell me of the events. I answered, thanking him for sharing, and no, that I didn't know...and that it didn't matter to me. The next call he said how mad she was at him and to not tell her what he told me. Too messy for me...I'm incompetent that way. I relate this because that was what was in my mind when he said, promise me you won't tell her...and I said, "If I am to respect her wishes and not attempt to call her, then how will she know, Dad?"

I knew it was my choice. By the time I knew, though, they had sedated her deeply, due to all the tubes and treatments...which I didn't know...so I could have attempted and did not...more regret.

I see now where we all feared her anger. I think it hurts more because I was like that in my home...and I need to remind myself, no one fears my anger now...it's mine. What a blessing to learn and know.

And no, AmI...she won't be forgotten, which I believe was her primary fear in life...

Tru--yes, I have thought of that, since my post...and I know how much I would regret that, myself...so I'll hold that thought closely, as well, when I reach across time to touch her...maybe telling HER I forgive her? Because I accept who she was, thoroughly...I do...and I know my wanting her to be different, be my way, negated a lot of celebrating who she was, as is...without defect.

My brain knows...my heart continues yearning...I fear Friday arriving...her voice was a presence in my life I cannot conceive of having again...I am angry, in denial...normal stages; still irritated I have to go through them, though.

And I'm feeling very childish...then I forgive myself...like this morning, driving her car to work through the snow, I realized I had never in my life driven my parents' cars...ever. Here I was, worrying about wrecking her car, like a teenager, as I took this automatic through snow, and felt that fear of screwing up...what I imagine I would have felt if I'd driven either of their cars nearly 30 years ago.

Another puzzling thing...she would fight like this with others...her brother and sisters...and get through, around or over it...similar to the shutting out and letting in I experienced...I wasn't a target, a singularity...just out of time for reconciling, the letting back in part...though this time, I wasn't completely shut out, either.

LA

LA,
this is a very simplified statement that covers a very complicated subject, but here goes...........

It doesn't matter what others do, it only matters what I do.


Comments?

SS

Yes...all that I didn't do...I have no opportunity for worthy amends...can't undo...what I didn't do...still matters.

I don't know how to amend death.

I now doubt myself greatly...not even sure of my own truths...and yet...I think in time, I'll have them back...realize they didn't leave...and I'm not happy with unsurety (I know you knew that)...

Okay...so what matters is what I do now...with what I know now...is that correct? And my boundary enforcement (not visiting in person this year) wasn't vengeful...it was protective and honest...and I did know it might be a permanent decision, given their age and health...for either...however...I've come to realize that though I say that, I didn't believe it. I really didn't. There was next year, for me...in January, for Dad's birthday...like a private wish too precious to share...even with myself...

Crud.

Okay...so I failed myself...so I have domain to forgive myself...own what I did not do, promise not to not do those things again, and live by it...forgive myself...and grow, anyway?

LA

Crud.

That pretty much covers it - and I know it hurts, but It made me laugh.

Sorry. I'm not making light of you - but if we can't laugh sometimes.......... well, recovery would be a whole lot more difficult.

I wasn't looking for a right, or a wrong answer. Sometimes it's good for us to think things through for ourselves.

Have you noticed we make often make little time for that?

Can we review some things about life?

I don't know how to amend death.

You don't have to amend death. Your mom hasn't ceased to exist, she has just gone on to another place. You'll see her again. It's for you to do your best at changing and improving. Since in the end, we can't change or improve anyone else, we just have to take care of doing it for ourselves.

Yes, grow anyway.

We need to think about our mistakes to avoid repeating them. Some guilt is necessary and good for us. I think anyone who has children knows what I mean.

Our time though, is spend in the NOW. Not in the past of the future. Most of our effort needs to go to living the right way NOW.

I would guess you have heard the story of the women who walked along the seashore and wrote her troubles the sand. Before long, the tide came in, and washed the writing away. She had the picture of it in her memory to guide her, but the sand was clean.

Your sand is clean. What you wrote yesterday will (and should) guide you today, but the sand is clean. Write again today, it will be clean again tomorrow.

Remember this is not real life. This is a test. Real life is where your mom is living now. Perhaps she passed her test, perhaps she did not. It's not for me to say.

The test is different for each of us. It has to be that way.
Don't get discouraged, THIS IS THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.

What greater blessing could we be given?

SS

SS,

You laughing is worth the crud. LOL. I was happy to have gotten laughs (appropriate ones) when I gave her eulogy.

And what you said...my sand is clean...and mind where I'm dwelling...in what I did not do in the past...is what I needed to hear...and I heard you.

Now is where I live...so much of it slipped through making the photo albums, remembering her life...I went into the past and needed your hand to pull me back into today.

Thank you.

I've been going into fantasy, again, in my mind...thinking the what ifs and if onlys...I picture my sister and I singing at the services...and we didn't...and I didn't even ask...and I know when I do this fantasy trip, I'm not in the present, and not in the presence of reality.

Your hand on my shoulder and everyone's hugs and words nudge me back to what is real...and that is my chance of a lifetime...I am very blessed, undeservedly and unconditionally...now. Right now.

The two songs I'd wished we'd sang were...Remember Me and Come to Jesus...so I'll teach those to my children to sing at mine...together.

Thank you, SS...

LA

Oh, you are ambitious!

I think if you'd been able to sing either of those songs without turning into a big puddle of mush, you would be a walking miracle (even more than you already are).....

I can hardly even listen to "remember me" without disolving into tears.

We'd have to build a shrine if you'd been able to sing it at your mother's services.

Well, AmI...I wrote and read the eulogy...so yes, I do believe I could've done it...had to pause, go slowly...gotter done.

And my sister plays guitar and used to sing at her church...except she paled and sweated at the thought of doing the eulogy. I asked both my father and her for what they wanted added in...got two sentences.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See, in these last three years of doing my firsts, facing my fears...like doing stand up...God helped me prepare for this...no shrine required.

I relied on love and acceptance from those in attendance...which is what I discovered from all the strangers at my first stand up...at the Comedy Works...and since them, that's what I see out there...funny, loving, laughing people...they came up and hugged me and I knew...God's creations are marvelous.

And yes, I trembled, too...whole body...which is where the tears are streaming inside while I read...and I forgave myself and kept going...and I would if I sang, too...wrong notes and all...I always do the low harmonies, so I my voice doesn't crack.

LOL

And yes, I am a puddle of mush a lot...and you know what? My family and coworkers have gotten used to it...they don't run away in screaming horror anymore. Cool.

Heehee.

I cry and stop and cry...and yes, Remember Me, ever since it came out, I cry...I just thought it so appropriate for my mom, who feared so greatly not being remembered...and was a child of wonder, of sunday school, a leader, a teacher...a reacher...and hearing it tonight on the way home from work, I remembered...I want her bible.

So all those years of depression had a benefit...temporary tears...not locked within them and not without them...in the middle...and right behind them...laughter.

And to share with you Ami...I had a thought...I've been without KLove for over a year...and as a consequence of my mother's passing, I get it back...because I'm driving her car...God really does open a window when a door closes. And yeah, I cried over that, too.

Happy tears.

Thank you for being with me...all the way through. You have a gift for that...please hug yourself for me.

LA

LA,
What did you write in the sand today?

SS

I told stories about my mother to coworkers...as they arose...from an apple pie incident to morning gories...and I was being nostalgic, not attacking...not whining...I was sharing...like a celebration...

I felt her this morning, at work, with her hand on my shoulder...and a smile.

Right now...I am being, not doing. I'm remembering but not living there...relating, not self-berating...and am making sure she's remembered...passed on...in my actions, words and thoughts

Now, I'm worrying...I first perceive your questions as tests and I'm failing to grasp...and then I think and revise...and say what I say...that's what I am doing...and I wrote:

I'm afraid to be okay without my mother.

LA

Right now...I am being, not doing. I'm remembering but not living there...relating, not self-berating...and am making sure she's remembered...passed on...in my actions, words and thoughts

You are processing - I'm just encouraging you in doing it.


I'm afraid to be okay without my mother.

She's still there. It's not like you'll never see her again.

Do your best, so when you see her next, you'll look forward to the greeting

Death is part of life. It's natural. We call it death, but it's more like they are leaving on a journey, and we are joining them later. Someone has to stay and work for a while, then we get to go too.

We are often afraid of the unknown.

When we don't know if they will be happy, or angry with us.

When we want aproval, but don't know if we will get it.

When we think we could have done better, but we didn't.

It's good to be honest with others, but even more so with ourselves.

Admit your mistakes.

Also admit you are improving, getting better, have come a long way.

Take joy in the journey.

SS

Also - since this is your thread -

How is everything else?
Are you OK otherwise?

Getting enough exercise?
Eating your veggies?
Laughing when SS teases you?

I think you'll be OK. I really do.

And you?

Ss

Everything else is and has been wonderful...first grandbaby due in a little over two weeks...a girl...my sons are wonderful and I enjoy them each moment I get with them.

My DH is terrific...a comfort in presence, word and deed.

I'm eating (drinking) my veggies, grapefruit juice, eating apples...struggling not to console through chocolate...and am now aware and rather self-congratulatory that my laughter hasn't stopped throughout...at SS's attempts or life just happening the way it does...

I think I'm okay right now...and then I'm not okay when I find I'm rejecting reality again...and then I'm okay again...just the loop...and I feel anchored through it all by everyone at MB and in my real life...I'm more aware of the love and concern at work, at home, my friends and our connection.

As for exercise...I'm doing Scarlett with my tomorrows...so tonight, I'll move my gym gear to my mother's car and have no excuse for tomorrow after work...no more Friday call times...Dad says call whenever I want...when I think of him and have a phone handy...newness of that is a bit scary--I'll call, anyway.

LA

Everything else is and has been wonderful...first grandbaby due in a little over two weeks...a girl...my sons are wonderful and I enjoy them each moment I get with them.

Grandbabies are SOOOOO FUN!!!!!
You'll love it.

My DH is terrific...a comfort in presence, word and deed.

Check !

I'm eating (drinking) my veggies, grapefruit juice, eating apples...struggling not to console through chocolate...

SS reads - as he reads, he slowly closes the drawer that has the dark choclate bar half open inside.
Sloooooowly, don't let LA see me close it. Ah - it's closed, and I don't think she noticed.

Mental note - buy grapefruit on the way home tonight.
Apples? Check !
Already have some.

and am now aware and rather self-congratulatory that my laughter hasn't stopped throughout...at SS's attempts or life just happening the way it does...

One thing about life -
Almost everything is easier to take when you are laughing.
Even no chocolate is easier to take.


I think I'm okay right now...and then I'm not okay when I find I'm rejecting reality again...and then I'm okay again...just the loop...and I feel anchored through it all by everyone at MB and in my real life...I'm more aware of the love and concern at work, at home, my friends and our connection.

You sound better now than you did yesterday. I'll take that as progress.

As for exercise...I'm doing Scarlett with my tomorrows...so tonight, I'll move my gym gear to my mother's car and have no excuse for tomorrow after work..

Even though we have 6 granbabies now, I still don't get enough exercise. I'm working on it though. I really am. Chocolate helps, so maybe I'll have just a small piece.

Maybe just a little bigger small piece.

.no more Friday call times...Dad says call whenever I want...when I think of him and have a phone handy...newness of that is a bit scary--I'll call, anyway.

The times.......... they are a changin.......

Veggies and exercise are important, but I was teasing you. I trust you'll do well. One day at a time.

Isn't it good we don't have to live it all at once?

Enjoy that baby -

SS

Hi LA,

It's Friday.. I'm thinking of you, wondering how you're doing today.

In your honor, I'm going to eat some dark chocolate and go call my mom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugs!
HTBH

ROFLMAO, SS & HTBH!

Dark chocolate...:::making Homer Simpson sounds and drooling:::

My favorite.

I did move my gym gear...so I've got that going for me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((HTBH)))) I swear you're written sunshine, woman. Thank you for your thoughts and actions...connecting...connecting...

I still haven't returned or renewed Passionate Marriage yet...so I'll do that now, with you in my sights...

And eat my salad. LOL.

I can't get sick of it because of Paul Newman's dressings...keeps the variety going even when it's just lettuce and grape tomatoes...oh, and croutons.

Thank you for being here...and SS? I did see ya do that...no judgment...I savored it vicariously...and gained yet another pound...could those be vicarious, too? Where's the justice?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Awwww, LA, you're MY sunshine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm just oozing love and joy today -- I hope you can feel it all the way in Colorado!

Hope that salad was good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> LOL. I'm having spinach with my lunch today, so it's not just chocolate for me, either. I'm still eating my veggies, so I can get rid of these vicarious pounds just in time for the Christmas pounds to arrive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

((((LA))))

LA, it sounds like you're giving things time to go back into their true perspective. Glad to hear you're doing so great with the self-care, nourishing yourself with veggies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your actions weren't good or bad, they just were, right? Your intent was pure, you know because you checked it.

Did your son in the service get to come back to see the family for the funeral?

You are truly an inspiration, LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((((LA))))

LA, when I woke up this morning, had a thought I wanted to share with you.... Your intent in not visiting, was to set the stage for a more loving relationship, free from all these ideas like guilt and shame. You let go of the outcome.

This is something that we do, let go of the outome, and then take it back when we don't trust HP with it anymore. How can you trust Him enough to put it back into His hands? Why are you afraid to trust HP with the outcome? Do you feel that if you had done differently, you could have cured your mother, somehow made her able to be more open or loving to you? Where does your power lie?

How is your father?