Mimi,

you said:


Although I don't think I have ever posted to you before I have read many many of your posts to others. In reading your posts I see this in YOU... a focus on the positive and a desire to find the lessons... and to take those lessons and glean the positive out of them.

Can I ask you a question? If someone posts something either to you or to someone else that is upsetting to you... if it is upsetting to you how do you wrap your mind around it to stay focused on the lesson and on the positive aspects that you can learn about it for yourself? I see you doing this... I really do... can you suggest some strategies you have found helpful for YOU?

I think I pretty much have a handle on the difference between REacting versus ACTing.Doesn't mean that I don't ever react any more...just that I usually can catch myself when I am doing it. However I see you speaking your mind in a respectful way and at the same time NOT backing down either. That is a balance beam... I don't think I know how to operate yet. Maybe it has something to do with being able to assert yourself without coming across aggressive... cause you don't come off aggressive, least IMVHO. So how do you do it?

Jilly

Very interesting that you should say that!

Jilly:

Coming to this place, emotionally, has taken lots of hard, hard PERSONAL RECOVERY work over the past couple of years...

I got some AWESOME, AWESOME help HERE..I wish I knew how to pull up some of my PERSONAL RECOVERY threads..I haven't been able to find them. I called them MY LIGHTBULB MOMENTS..but JL, PEP, BR and LA helped me out with this..also, I have continued to do MY READING..BIBLIOTHERAPY, I call it..

Most importantly, the PERSONAL CHANGE has made such a remarkable difference in my life...in my relationships with my loved ones..I have never ever been happier..and I have suffered from bouts of depression.

I used to be known as the one who will "get you told"..and I would fuss and fight with my words...and that would SCARE people away...I said out loud to my husband about a month ago: "I don't want to be known for that ever again"..cause I notice at times that he seems FEARFUL that I will turn back into my old self...

I CHOOSE JOY AND HAPPINESS..just like in my signature line..

Of course, I'm human. I have my days and my triggers.. but just like in doing THE PLANS... I get back up on the horse.

I think the first step, is to make a COMMITMENT and a DECISION to change. The next step is to get rid of THE FEAR OF CHANGE...FEEL THE FEAR and SAY IT ANYWAY...FEEL THE FEAR and DO IT ANYWAY...a book by Susan Jeffers, I think..

Jilly:

Another GREAT BOOK that helped me alot..,most recently... is AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN by Anthony Robbins.

For example, when LovingAnyway says something to me that I'm finding harsh, I trust that she checks her intent, and that the intent was not harsh. So I will look at it again and ask myself what else she could have meant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And ask her if I *still* don't get it.

Where if it was someone that I didn't have that level of trust in, I might, mistakenly or not, just go from the assumption that they are being harsh!

Mimi,

Thanks... I will order that one tonight. If it is the same Anthony Robbins... I believe he is or was at one time a motivational speaker, he was on Larry King the other night with a couple of doctors discussing a book (I only caught the end of it so I don't know if it is the same book you are referring to) but he made a very interesting point.

He was telling a story about a group of woman who were struggling to lose weight and work out consistently. They were all woman who were highly successful in other areas of their life. When he found out that these women's workout partners were each other (the ones who weren't having success with their diet and exercise programs) he suggested to them that they find someone in the gym that had a successful diet and exercise program and start working out with that person instead of continuing to work out with people who were not having success.

Basically he said that they would be a lot more motivated and less likely to slack off or give up with the diet and exercise program if instead they chose to surround themselves with people that were ALREADY successfully demonstrating the ability to follow a healthy diet and exercise program.

So I took away from that... even if you have much success in many areas of your life...if there is an area in your life which you want to change, then make sure to include people in your life that are currently successful in the area in which you want to improve.

Anthony Robbins... and I am pretty sure it is the same one you are referring to has to my knowledge always come about things from a really POSITIVE mindset. He was really positive on Larry King.

I'm ordering that book.
Thanks Mimi!

Jilly

Mimi,

Sorry, I missed this first post, just saw the book recommendation one.

I like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I will look for some of your old recovery threads if you want. Can you give me an estimate of the time frame when you might have posted them... doesn't have to be really specific, maybe like the years you think they might have been posted and I can search from there. Also do you remember any of the thread titles or topics? Most of your posts are on GQ right?

I have read a lot of your older threads so I might be able to locate them if I know which ones in general you are looking to find.

I don't know the Susan Jeffers book but I do remember a thread here about why people chose their user id names and I remember reading why LA chose her name... and it was similar to the idea of "do it anyway". I'll have to ask her again about the author who wrote that because it was an awesome paper.

I agree with you that there are some very remarkable people here who have helped me with my own personal recovery... helped me with my thinking process. I posted to Ear's thread about the link in her signature line in another thread... the one about everybody makes sense all of the time. If you get a chance to read that link in her sig line... it was a really interesting perspective. I read it last night and found it opened a different perspective for me to think about things.

I also agree with you that it is about making a conscious and mindful choice to change.

I enjoy reading your Goddess thread. I think it is important that we learn to create beauty and joy in our lives. It kind of reminds me of a book my mom gave me many years ago called Living Beautifully Together by Alexandra Stoddard. The copyright date is 1989 and I am glad that your Goddess thread made me go to look and see if I could find this book. Although it is an older book it might be a good read for those on your Goddess thread. In the book the author talks about doing a lot of the kinds of things your thread suggests. She is the same author who wrote Living a Beautiful Life.

I like that you started that thread. It offers hope and spreads the message that YOU are worth using your best dishes, wearing your nice clothes, buying the best that you can for yourself at any budget. That you don't have to have lots of money to live with the Goddess mindset... and Mimi you did that on that thread. Bravely there and I have read here over and over where you have told others... that they are worth believing that they are precious, special, beautiful, especially during times when they may be struggling so much to believe they are.

One other tip you might want to pass on the Goddess thread (because I think someone mentioned nicer bed linens) is that there are two online stores that sell really nice high quality thread count linens... like 1000 thread count sheet sets any size for around $100. They also have nice quality down comforters and pillows, good towels etc. One is called smartbargains.com and the other is called overstock.com. I just got a nice sheet set 1200 thread count for $129.

I think in the Living Beautifully together book the author says something like we spend approximately one third of our lives in bed (if you get 8 hours of sleep a night... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) then you should really invest in making your bed something you look forward to sleeping in. I dunno maybe I heard that on Oprah.

Anyway thank you for the suggestions, for the many threads in which you show what true grace looks like, and for sharing with other woman how to learn to love themselves more. It matters Mimi, it really does.

I'll look for those threads of yours and if I can find them I will link them here if that is alright. Then you can maybe link them in your signature so people will always be able to find them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jilly

WOW..my books must be imprinted in who I am..the STODDARD BOOKS are some of my FAVORITES and I have incorporated her way of living into MY LIFE..

I'm gonna pull them out again...THANKS!!

Jilly, come over and join the GODDESS THREAD...
............................................................
One of the major TOPIC threads of mine has the word LIGHTBULB in it..It was MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT or something..and also the words MY PERSONAL RECOVERY is one of them, I think...

It was about 2 or 3 years ago...

I tried searching but have never been successful..

LA, PEP, BR and JL have been posters to me regarding my stuff...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I FOUND ONE, JILLY!!!

Mimi,

So cool, I just found that one and then when I was gonna post the link you had already found it...that is so awesome. I am gonna link it to my favorite threads so I can find it in case it gets lost again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jilly

Mimi,

No wonder it made me think of the Stoddard book my mom gave me. I am so grateful that it did make me think of and pull that book out. After my own parents divorce, my mom, even when we didn't have a lot of money, made things beautiful for us.

I honor her memory by wrapping beautiful presents. Before she died I didn't have the patience it took to take the time to wrap in the elaborate and special way she always did. Now I always do... to honor her and many of the other small ways she did things to bring more beauty into our life.

One of the other things my mom taught us to do when we were young was to always send hand written thank you cards. With the advent of email I know it is becoming more and more of a lost art... handwritten letters, notes, etc. I think those are some of the things that I treasure the most... notes and cards from my mom, and others through the years.

Thank you for the invitation to the Goddess thread. I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate the kindness of your invitation, but since many of the posters on that thread are newly BW... I just don't want your wonderful thread to take a negative turn if I show up.

Because I married my affair partner... didn't get the lesson until many years later when I became the BW myself... wouldn't recommend my road to anyone. ANYONE! I just don't know Mimi... my posting there may be upsetting and hurtful to someone and I just don't want that or your thread which is very positive to take a negative turn because of me. I know it is my fear, my stuff... I own that it is and my fear.

Perhaps I can just post any Goddess tips here and you can relay them if you think they are Goddess worthy. Would that be okay with you?

Thanks again,
Jilly

I have not read this thread yet, but if there's a LovingAnyway Fan Club, sign me up for a Platinum Membership!

]quote]
For example, when LovingAnyway says something to me that I'm finding harsh, I trust that she checks her intent, and that the intent was not harsh. So I will look at it again and ask myself what else she could have meant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And ask her if I *still* don't get it.

Where if it was someone that I didn't have that level of trust in, I might, mistakenly or not, just go from the assumption that they are being harsh! [/quote]

I was thinking more along the lines of how we get to know someone and develop trust in that person...and then, as time goes on, that person reveals his/her true self...maybe even tells you about a cruel thing he/she did...and that there is no regret or remorse for doing so..and in fact, talks about it as being wonderful. And, in the telling, this person deeply wounds your heart.,,because what this person did to someone is what someone else is now doing to you...and this person knew that from the beginning.

Hi Lady,

This is quite interesting. My take on it was still different from yours or EO. The first thing I thought of, was if it was someone who I didn't have high expectations of, I might ignore them... if it was someone who I held to a higher standard, based on past performance, then I would explore further like EO said, and be more disappointed if I thought they really had acted offensively.

So I think that's sort of a variation of both your and EO's responses.

As an example, since I don't recall any of your posts, I thought you may have been being sarcastic or baiting. And so I was going to ignore your comment, since I didn't have a past history to use to interpret. When I read EO's response, I admired what I saw as tactfulness and restraint - my interpretation, because I do know her.

This seems to me like a glaring example of how we (or at least, I) interpret others through very specific filters. I am reminded to not be so quick to assume I know someone's motive. Thanks. And I'm sorry for the DJ - for assuming you were "baiting".

It sounds like you are thinking of a very specific example, that you are hurting over. Do you want to tell us more?

Wow Jayne,

Are you reading my MIND? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maybe my take was just a little different than yours... I dunno if I didn't know better I could swear it almost sounded like a threat.

Or maybe an assumption that there is something SO horrible that we would just be shocked to find out.

You know Jayne, when you really get to know someone they often really DO tell you who they are. Isn't that the amazing thing about friendship. Funny how someone might assume that friends aren't forthcoming and honest.

Oh but I forgot, wasn't there something else about it being a popularity contest? There is NO contest. A landslide maybe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jilly

Morning JJ! Just wanted to let you know that I SEE you are around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That's great!

I love your presence, you have wonderful things to add...

How are you doing with accepting that you are a whole, complete, and beautiful person these days?

It's been rough going for me from time to time but LIFE IS beautiful!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LA:

Glad to hear you got the car back.

Fight the law. It isn't right.

Forfeiture of ill-gotten gains is appropriate, but innurement to another because of "suspected" activity is theft.

So, fight the fight.

LG

The story is not mine to tell, although I was a witness to it. Let's just say that it would be a nightmare for just about any BW. This person's hypocrisy is galling.

I don't post much anymore, but I've been on MB since 1998...been through a couple of name changes along the way because of a snoopy DD.

I just post when the spirit moves me and I have time!

LadyC is right. The people to tell this story is the person who hides the story, and the person the story was told to.

They have the place to tell it, if it is to be told. Because if others tell it, then, it could look vengeful, gossipy, mean.




I like LG's signature line. He states something that is true, but difficult to live up to:

"How do you distract yourself from doing what it takes to be remarkable?

By allowing your secrets to remain so."

People who hide secrets COULD stand up and be remarkable, and tell them openly, release their pain, and walk anew in a life of truth. It would be difficult. It would take them down in the eyes of others to some degree, because of hypocrisy lived. But in the end, they could lift themselves from the shame of secrecy and move into the light of truth.

It is right to live in truth. It is not always easy.

We all have learned that by living through infidelity, haven't we - on one side of it or the other.

So to tell the story of our infidelity here, the whole story, then........why hold back? Why hold back even a part of it, because it is what it is, ugly. There's only one way to get redemption, and that starts with the truth, the brokenness of confession of the whole truth - it starts at the very bottom of the ugliness. The Harleys talk about answering all the questions for a reason, because they know this.

Recovery doesn't really start until that starts.


SB

LOL!

It certainly appears that the two of you are doing just about whatever it takes to tell this story in a way that allows you to avoid appearing vengeful, gossipy and mean.

If you hold the opinion that it is the place of 'the person' to tell their story, what is your motive for bringing it up?

Are you sincerely trying to help the person and truly have what is in their best interest in mind?

Or is your motive more along the lines of being vengeful, gossipy and mean?

I would really like to know the answer and I'll be up front about my motive - it is the both of your best interests I have in mind...not the defense of the person to whom you are referring.