Just left voicemail on cell phone for WH to remind him of DD13 awards bbq for barrel racing tonight. Did my best "things are fantastic" voice. We'll see if he shows.

The "story" I agreed to tell my son haunts me to this day.

Tomorrow, I'm taking him off to his freshman year in college.

He still believes his Mom's explanation that Mommy and Daddy were equally responsible for the divorce. I participatd in that explanation, so he clings to it despite my later attempts to set the record straight and despite the fact that she and OM got married 5 months after our divorce.

Like her, he denies to this day that she had an affair. Go figure.

I firmly believe that if he had been told the age appropriate truth right off the bat, that he would have voiced his disapproval and this very likely would have been a huge influence on his Mom.

You can do this without "bad mouthing" him. Tell them Dad has an illegal girlfriend. He is confused and needs your help. Explain that despite this, you have every intention of helping him get unconfused and keeping the family together.

WAT

Look what it's already doing to them.

You should be worried about what it might do to them when they finally figure it out on their own. BOTH you and your H will have deceived them.

DO NOT cover for him.

The truth will set YOU free from carrying part of his burden.

WAT

WAT, the moree I think about it, the more sense it makes. With everyone else in the family knowing, eventually it will come out and I don't want to have lied to them too.

Our original agreement was to talk to them together and he wanted to say "Mom and I are having problems" which is exactly what he ended up telling them. He told me he didn't want to be the bad guy....guess what, he IS the bad guy in this!

I'm going to continue to think hard about this. Thank you!

You are getting great advice.

Exposure is necessary and will hopefully speed up the end of the affair.

I just wanted to tell you to be strong. Follow the advice you are being given.

Your daughters also need to be told the truth in an age appropriate way.

Can you call the Steve Harley? He can help you with a plan.

Here's a nice thread that really debates the whole exposure to children issue fully.

LINK TO THREAD

Also, do the exposure before the MSA agreement. If he gets mad and wants to follow through he needs your cooperation to end things quickly so he can be with Ms. Sourmate. Your biggest bargaining chip is his desire to get out quick NOT whether you keep his secret. You can apologize till the cows come home, act like you are soooo very upset you did that, if you want, cause once it's done you can't put the cat back in the bag.

Also, any email should be sent early in the day, say about 10:30 am, without ANY forewarning. Give the office time to gossip....especially at lunchtime. If you forewarn him at all he'll tell everyone to expect his crazy soon to be exwife to email or call them all with some crazy story. Don't make that mistake.

Mr. Wondering

btw, is foxnhound at all in reference to the restuarant that Jimmy Hoffa was abducted from in the 1970's??? I happen to live kinda near there in the metro Detroit area.

NO! NO! Hold on! First, you can't close a joint account unless there is a divorce decree. Second, it can affect your credit rating or FICO score. CALL the credit companies and explain your situation. Tell them the truth that your and your WH are separated and he is living with his mistress. Ask the banks to have your name taken out if possible OR have them flag it for unauthorize use. They will make exceptions in situations as yours.

Do you live in a community property state?

Start collecting financial records. Do you have a copy of his most recent paystub? Check for bonuses and allowance that could increase your child support.

Since you've bee married over 10 years, go for alimony!!!

Remember when Tom Cruise divorced Nicole Kidman shy of their 10 year anniversary? The Mission Impossibe would've cost him in the millions!

Are you sure, Star?

This is news to me.

One spouse is likely the primary card holder and the other is an add on. If Foxy is the primary, she can have H deleted or close the account. I did this WAY before divorce. Maybe things have changed. If she's the add on, she can probably have herself deleted by request, but this may not free up her debt responsibility in a community property state w/o a MSA. Even then, she'd have to sue him to clear it up if he ran up the account and then defaulted.

JMHO

Correct me if I'm wrong.

WAT

Credit cards are not an issue.

I've contacted a lawyer and have an appointment for this coming Tuesday to talk about separation agreement and delaying any divorce proceedings from WH.

I am going to talk to daughters Saturday morning and tell them about the affair. I am waiting for Saturday because I want to be able to be with them aftwerwards and gauge reactions/emotions. Do I tell WH that I have done this or just let the chips fall where they may? He adamently denies that affair is the reason for divorce and he'll probably rush to defend himself to them and tell them our marriage hasn't been good and the affair has nothing to do with it.

I am sending the email to WH coworkers today... he is out of the office at a meeting all day so it will have lots of time to get around the office before he gets back.

Wish me luck!

Fox,

I am glad to be an inspiration....but YOU can be an inspiration to yourself!!! And that is what part of this aweful journey is all about....self value!!

I haven't read the entire thread yet....will do and chime in when time allows!!!

It can change.....A LOT OF WORK BY THE BS, BUT IT CAN CHANGE!!

My FWW and I are now more connected than ever before....BY FAR!!! Everyday is a bit further from the pain....and in time, you will see this!!!
MWIL

Help! I need some courage and strength!

I sent the email to WH co-workers today (which included the HR director, WH supervisor, and the CEO) and has already gotten back to WH - I'm not surprised he's worked there for 11 years and they will probably just think I am crazy. He left a message on my cell while I was working out stating "you better call me right away". I was tempted not to just because of the tone and the "you better" statement. I did call him back, but his voicemail picked up. In my best "things are great with me" voice I said "Hey, just me calling you back. Talk to you later!".

I'm a little scared! I keep reminding myself that I have so much to gain and so little to lose. After sending the email, I am extremely nervous waiting for his reaction but I also feel like I have a little power....not just waiting for him to decide what to do.

Here is the email I sent this morning to coworkers. I know, I know...it probably would have helped for you to see it before I sent it...but I had to get it done while I had the guts. What do you all think?

Friend/Coworker of (WH),

I understand the word of WH and his affair has been spreading like wild fire around (WH company), so I'm sure you've now become aware of it. As far as I know, it started in late June and is on-going as of today. I write you because you are among (WH's) most trusted and loved work colleagues and because you each have had the opportunity to observe (WH) and I and our marriage over a number of years. You are witnesses to (WH's) deep love for me, our marriage, and our children which has become clouded by his addiction to his new "friend". This affair has taken an obvious toll on our marriage and family. At this time, I don't know who his "friend" is, other than that she works in the office with all of you and her cell phone number is XXX-XXXX. Any information one of you can provide with regards to her identity would be greatly appreciated. Not for retaliation purposes (HE is making the choice) but for protection purposes. I do not want our daughters exposed to this. You may email me, leave a message on my home phone XXX-XXXX(WH no longer lives there), or call me at work XXX-XXXX and just provide a name....you don't need to identify yourself if you prefer not to. My intent is not to embarrass WH or his "friend" (ok, maybe a little) but to expose the affair for what it is, an incredibly cruel and hurtful and devastating experience for me and my daughters and in the end WH too. Let it try to survive the light of day and the eyes of others.............

I want you to know that I love WH with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage and keep our family intact. I am desperate to save our children from this tragedy. Any love, support, and prayer that you can provide will be greatly appreciated. I am trying to get through this the best way I can with my dignity and self-respect intact. Some of you may think this contact was inappropriate but he has to face the consequences for his actions, his actions have a direct affect on his wife and daughters. Lies and deceit from the person you trust the most call for drastic measures.

If this is your first hearing of this, I apologize, but it would only be a matter of time before word spread to you.




As an aside, in the interest of (WH company), if (WH's) "friend" turns on him, (WH company) could be in the middle of a sexual harassment case.

Original:

[color:"blue"] My intent is not to embarrass WH or his "friend" (ok, maybe a little) but to expose the affair for what it is, an incredibly cruel and hurtful and devastating experience for me and my daughters and in the end WH too. [/color]

tweaked:

[color:"red"] My intent is to expose the affair for what it is, an incredibly cruel and hurtful and devastating experience for me and my daughters and in the end WH too. My hope is to stop this affair by exposing it. [/color]

Pep

OK! I've found out who she is! Used reverse number look up, and also found her home number. I'm not sure if she is married or not, but when I called her house the answering machine said "we" are not home right now. Left a message without my name asking for the name (male) that was in the phone book for that number and listed on the reverse number lookup site to call my cell phone. I didn't leave my name just asked "XX" to call xxx-xxxx. I'm also going to drive by her house and check out what kind of cars they drive.

Since OW won't talk to me, I'm going to send her an email. Any suggestions on what to say....?

I wouldn't email her until you've exposed her to this "we" person (hope "we" is not your husband).

What do you know about this woman??? Have you googled her???

Mr W

EEK!! I hadn't thought about it maybe being MY husband! I know very little except she is the accounts receivable manager at his office. How do I google her?

go to www.google.com, enter her name in "" and hit enter.

She might have stuff out there. You might find a resume or anything which will help you track down family members, husband or exhusband, kids, hometown, high school....ya know, exposure targets

Also google her email addy in full and just the name without the extension.

Mr.W

NO NO NO

do NOT email

let her think she's an unknown

that is an advantage for you!

Pep

AHA! I talked to the OWH last night for an hour and a half. He has known for a little while and had considered calling me. I have no idea who this WH is!!! He has signed a lease agreement with this "woman" (that the OWH emailed to me), WH, OW, and OW 6 year old son are all living together!!! WHAT?!

OWH provided me with the address and told me he has had a private investigator following them and will give me all the information he has. He and I are going to work together on this. At this point, he still wants to save his marriage too. OW and OWH have been married for 10 years and together for 13. Really sounds like a great guy. Our stories run so parallel... he also was floored and never saw this coming...he and his wife were not having problems that he was aware of. Very interesting and informative phone call. I also sent him the email I had sent to the WSs' company. Wouldn't I love to be a fly on the wall there at that office today?

OWH and I are keeping under wraps right now that we have talked to each other but intend to work together to end this affair and decide individually if reconciliation is in our and our childrens best interests.

After the call with the OWH, I called WH. Who did not answer his phone. So I called OW and she answered... after getting a few sentences out in which I calmly told her what this was doing to my family...she handed the phone to WH. Who was not happy! Did not talk angrily, just very quiet.... from his voice he seems to be in a pretty bad spot emotionally right now.

Any thoughts from anyone?

What should I do now? Did I ruin Plan A?

fox, I'll leave all the nitty gritty legal stuff to the professionals. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am, and I know how you feel as I am living my own horror of this. My husband was the same nasty B****** yours is being, full of lies, deception, denial, and sneaking around and making you feel like you're crazy or something. If it makes you feel better, he has come home. The exposure REALLY does work. Once they were found out, it just sort of crumbled. We are in recovery, believe me, this is hard, too. Once you think your over the hump? Guess what, you're not. Now I have a whole new set of issues, trying to forgive him and move on. I hope you get to this point, but please know, either way, you have long road to travel.

God Bless ...
rlt