I really don't want to be a member of the BS club, but wasn't really given a choice! I'm so glad to see others here and to know I'm not alone.

MWIL, you are such an inspiration. I spent all day yesterday reviewing your story. You are incredible and you have given me hope! Thank you!

Please read my story and help in any way you can. The roller coaster scares me!

On 06/24/06 I received the “I don’t feel about you like I used to” speech. WH was crying, very shaken, and really seemed to feel bad. Said he had been trying for a long time to make things right and get his feelings for me back but couldn’t and didn’t want to live like this anymore. I was absolutely floored! In March we bought a big ticket item and have been in the process of finding a house to buy since late in the fall of 2005. He was an active participant, calling realtor, setting up appointments to look at houses, etc. No indication to me that he was so miserable in our marriage that he wanted out.

During his speech he went through the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” part and tried to explain how hard he had tried. But when I asked, couldn’t say why he hadn’t talked to me about it so we could work on it together, just that he felt it was him and he would change nothing about me, so he felt he had to fix it on his own. He said he didn’t know why things changed, I had done nothing, just that he knew it couldn’t be fixed now and he wanted out. Absolutely refused to discuss working on it, just wanted out. Began sleeping on the couch. (a week prior to this talk he didn’t come home 4 nights out of 7, said he was at the lake, “thinking”).

Desperate to find out what I could do to save my marriage, I got online and did a search. Thank Goodness, I found the MB website! What a vast source of information and support! Although at this point, I didn’t think there was any kind of A going on, just that something was missing between us and I was on a mission to “fix” it. I immediately bought and read His Needs, Her Needs and His Needs, Her Needs for Parents, (skipped the chapter on Infidelity because that didn’t apply to us. Boy! Was I wrong!). Wow! Felt like those books were written about us. I set about doing whatever I could to fill what I guessed H’s needs were. One of the first was eating well and working out. Since end of June I have lost 22 pounds and feel great! If I do say so myself, I am one hot mama! He was not very receptive, treated me really poorly no matter what I did. He either was very short with me or ignored me completely. When I asked him why he said there was no hope to save our marriage and if he treated me decently I would think there was. He wanted D and that was it, he started looking for his own place.

Not long after “speech” H came home around 5am after having a beer with is “buddies” and fell asleep on the couch. He had left his cell phone in his truck and had locked his truck (which he NEVER does). I have a set of keys to his truck (duh) so I opened it and checked his cell phone (which I had bought him for Xmas). There was a call at 2:45 am to a number I didn’t recognize. I’m sure you know what I was thinking….. So I called it. A woman answered and I said “sorry, I must have the wrong number, can you tell me who’s phone this is?” She hung up. I called it again but she wouldn’t pick up. I was shaking sooooo bad! I KNEW but didn’t want to believe! He would NEVER do that to me, to us, to our kids!

I immediately went in the house and woke H up, tears in my voice and on my face, and asked if he was seeing someone. He looked me directly in the eyes and told me no, he wasn’t. I asked who he had called at 2:45 that morning and after a long pause he said “Stacy” (a wife of one of his buddies). I asked why he would call her and he said that his buddy’s phone wasn’t working and he needed to talk to him. He has never lied to me that I know of so I let it go…it was somewhat of a plausible excuse and denial helped me out. Then he realized I had gotten in his truck and checked his phone, he got so defensive! Which in turn made me suspicious, but instead of pushing the issue, I held my tongue and planned on waiting for more proof. I ended up apologizing for checking his phone but then told him I didn’t trust him anymore after the recent nights of not coming home, the cold shoulder, etc. For about a month we continued to co-exist mostly civilly – a few talks in between with him stating he is set on getting a D and had already talked to lawyers to get information. That hurt so badly! Especially since I didn’t understand WHY! How could his feelings just shut off and how could his kids and I not be important enough for the effort to try to work it out. He said he had tried and it didn’t work, everyone would be happier this way. He would not continue to be miserable (I hadn’t seen any “misery”!) He said if he had the money he would have filed for D already. I completely broke down, crying uncontrollably, I just didn’t understand WHY! After I pulled myself together a little bit he talked about what he wanted from the house and that he wasn’t going to fight me for the kids and didn’t I think we could get through this like adults and make this easy on everyone?
He continued to go between treating me horribly, ignoring me, or just tolerating me. I was incredibly hurt but still had hope. He hadn’t filed for D and hadn’t moved out yet and I was still trying to meet his needs, looking good, keeping the house up, talking to him when he wanted, but not pushing. He accepted none of it.

Then came D-day. I had intended all along to check the cell phone bill the following month for that original # that I didn’t know. On 08/02/06 I got online to pay the cell phone bill and checked his call log. He had called the # 63 times in 1 month!!! All times of day and night for 20-25 minutes at a time. So much for talking to his buddy! So I called the number again and asked for “Stacy”. Surprise! “There is no Stacy here”. If I would have thought quicker, I would have kept her on the phone and said what I needed to say but I just hung up. I wanted to confront H first. I called H, told him about the bill and asked if he was seeing someone. He was at his mother’s having lunch and didn’t want to discuss it right then. I said all I need is a yes or no answer. He said yes and that we would talk about it later. I got out of him that it was someone from work but he wouldn’t give me a name because it wasn’t relative and didn’t have anything to do with why he wanted out of the M. He said it didn’t start until after he told me he didn’t love me anymore. Somehow he thought that justified it! He is still MARRIED! According to him, she does know he is married but is leaving me. And they just talk. Yeah, right. Although, according to the cell phone bill, they are doing a lot of talking…

After confronting WH, I called OW again. She picked up and hung up every time, must have caller ID. Then it would go to a recording saying the person I was trying to reach was out of the area….sure. I called MIL (who I had a pretty good relationship with) and asked if she knew he was seeing someone. She said she had been suspicious but wasn’t taking sides or judging anyone. So…. WH has been exposed to his mother, his dad passed away 10 years ago and he and his mother are VERY close. She won’t approve of his behavior but I don’t think she will say anything to him either because she will be afraid he won’t see her anymore.

That night I left kids with MIL so WH and I could talk about OW and M. I was such an emotional wreck! I couldn’t stop the tears and could barely connect thoughts. By the end of the talk, I had pulled myself together mostly. He kept going over the items that he wanted and how to split up the bills, etc, etc. Reiterated there is NO hope for M. D is only option and as soon as he has the money, he is filing. He agreed to fill out the EN questionnaire but I think only did it to get me off his back. According to him, he needs nothing and everything I do is fine. He was neither happy nor unhappy. The only thing I got out of it was he needs an attractive spouse and honesty and openness, but didn’t want to talk about bad things. But if he didn’t get those, he was neither happy nor unhappy. He would not agree to stop seeing OW. He wants out of the M and she has nothing to do with it. That day, because of the emotional state I was in, I also exposed A to my mother and sister….. WH was like a father to my little sisters (who is 17) and our dad died when she was 9. WH stepped into the father role with her. She sent him a text message asking how he could do this to me and she felt like she had lost another dad. How heartbreaking! I felt so horrible for her….I did tell her she could still love him and I didn’t want her to have to take sides. But it made me feel good that she did that and it made WH cry! He called my and told me about it and how much it hurt him.

The next day I was REALLY messed up…. couldn’t think, had to really concentrate to make sure I was driving on the right side of the road, suicidal thoughts, etc, couldn’t stop crying and seeing WH and OW together. Went to dr and now on anti-d’s. Helped sooo much! I could never imagine my mind and body would collapse like it did! It took about a week for the anti-d’s to go into effect…WH showed concern and checked up on me and told me he still cared for me and wanted me to be okay and have a good life, etc, etc. Told me what a great mother I was and how I needed to be strong for the kids. I just couldn’t! I was soooo devastated.
After anti-d’s kicked in, I am coping much better and MB has helped find that glimmer of hope and a plan.

Things came to a bit of head yesterday and I really need help on figuring out what to do. He rented another place a couple of weeks ago and was staying there off and on. Then this last week he didn’t come home at all, but never told me he was moving out. We had family party for DD12 and DD13 birthdays, he came but then left after the party to take his mom home and didn’t come back. I let it slide, what could I really do anyway other than push him out faster?

We normally don’t lock the house doors except at night. But I thought since he wasn’t home most of the time, I should do that just so I would know the house was secure when the girls and I got home by ourselves. So yesterday was the first day I started locking the house doors. If I was completely honest, I have to admit I did it so I would know whether he had been there or not when I was gone. Of course, last night he came by to get some things while I wasn’t there. He called all ticked that I had locked the door. I told him it was for safety reason and not to keep him out. When I got home, I could tell he had been in the house and taken all of his clothes, pictures of his parents, grandparents, etc. I called him and of course, he didn’t answer. I left a message telling him that was pretty chickenshit of him to come in and sneak stuff out behind his kids’ backs. He called back minutes later and said it wasn’t chickenshit and he did it because he didn’t know when he could get back in the house. Which is interesting because he left items that I KNOW he isn’t letting me keep and his office laptop. He was just ticked and taking what he saw because he knew I would notice. I asked him why he thought I would lock the door to keep him out when I wanted to work on the M and didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t have an answer. I told him since he wasn’t there to protect us, I had to do whatever I could. I asked him how he got in since the door was locked, he said “I thought the house was protected” and wouldn’t tell me how he got in. So now I’ve made sure all windows and everything are locked as tight as I can. I think he went in through the living room window which doesn’t have a screen….he had been sleeping there and leaving it open because of the heat. I asked him if he still lived at home and he said not anymore.

I knew better, but couldn’t help myself and I said in a very soft voice “I hope she’s worth it to you”. Ticked him off all over again, “I am not going to keep going over this”. Extremely long silence, and then he asked what I wanted to do about bills. After reading the MB website and posts, I thought my best response would be …. “I don’t do D, I do M. You’ll have to talk to my Lawyer” Which I don’t have yet, but he doesn’t have to know that. Off he went again, saying he was going to contact one in the morning and the Lawyers could do it. Which scared me, I’m afraid to push him there faster but I don’t want to make it easy for him either.

On D-day we had discussed what he wants to take, which is very little and I agreed. I was not in an emotional state to disagree. But now I want to disagree and tell him it has to go through the Lawyers. Should I do that or just agree since it is so little and actually a pretty good deal for me?

I want to make my M great! What do I do? How can I meet his EN when he isn’t at home anymore? Yes, he is an alien! Thank goodness someone understands! Every once in a while I see my H in there but WH quickly returns. How can I slow down the D to give him time to come out of the fog?! Help, please!!!

foxy - welcome.

See an attorney ASAP. Don't tell your H you're doing this.

Work with the attorney to draw up whatever legal instrument is available in your area that represents a separation agreement. Have it structured for your H to pay appropriate child support, bills, mortgage, etc. - to the extent he feels some pain. You get full custody of children. make sure the separation document states you DO NOT WANT a divorce - that you are only taking this step to protect you and your children and establish financial responsibilities for the separation he has initiated.

He needs to feel some consequences.

Consequences are the only things waywards react to.

All of this is in anticipation of him actually leaving.

In the meantime, state to him your position that you want to preserve the marriage and you prefer he NOT move out.

Plan A your butt off. Keep taking off those pounds. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DO NOT argue or even ask about the OW.

Find out if the OW is married. If so, expose to her H.

When he leaves, spring the separation document on him. Work out any disagreements all in Plan A loving style.

As soon as he signs, go to Plan B - totally dark. Do not hint of this before hand.

For other immediate steps, who has control of the family finances?

Keep asking questions here.

If he files you hire the biggest pitbull of an attorney and delay the proceedings as long as possible. You request full custody with supervised visitation only. The longer the divorce takes the more likely the affair will crumble from the inside and reconciliation can occur. Other benefits of delay....temporary orders will preclude him from exposing your kids to OW AND he can't marry the OW until your divorce is final. Even the Final Custody order will preclude him from exposing OW to kids but if he remarries then he can.

You need to find out who OW is and expose her and your husband to her family and friends. If it's a work affair EVERYBODY at the office must be exposed to (see the email that Heartsore just sent to his wife's coworkers this morning).

Exposure expedites the end of the affair. It is your best and only weapon to break up the affair. On average, the affair will last 2 years if you do nothing. Exposure will speed that up dramatically. The affairees will start love busting each other like crazy once exposed. The illusion of just moving on amicably will be OVER. Reality hits them hard and the secrecy of the affair and the resulting "passion" of such secrecy is shattered.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Sorry you need to be here. I would concur that seeing an attorney is in your best interests at this point. It doesn't mean that you need to get divorced... only that you are protecting yourself from someone that obviously has no intentions of doing that for you at this point.
Your H's actions are drastic... but they are expected and predictable for those in an A. Expose to anyone that might be of help. Friends, family and don't forget the workplace.
I wish you well and again am sorry you need to be here.

Thank you so much for your responses!

To answer your finance question, WAT, I used to be in charge of everything. Soon after I got the speech, I opened a checking account in my own name and have been surviving on just my wages, which is not easy. I have left his money in the joint account and notified him when I took money out for rent or other monthly bills. Since that time, he has opened a checking account at another bank and no longer has his check deposited in the joint account. He did give me money out of the last check for monthly bills and was/is planning on paying me a set amount every month for child support.

He has agreed to pay child support (which I determined a rough guess from a state website). The man I knew would stand by this and take care of his kids, but I don't know about this new guy. I'm afraid once I make him mad, he'll keep it from me. Although he swears he wouldn't do that.

I'm having a hard time finding out who the OW is... he won't say and I don't know who else would know. I do have her cell phone number. Is there any way to find out from that?

I will talk to an attorney right away about MSA. Initally, I was trying to be "fair" but now I want him to have to pay for his actions. And I don't know what "fair" is since I've never been through this before. I don't believe that he'll take care of things like he promises. Divorces in my state or way too easy. Two options 1) irreconcilable differences (which you don't have to prove) or 2) live apart for 6 months. It can be complete in 30 days (or so he tells me)

I will look up HeartSore's email about exposing to work. Some of them know, we live in a somewhat small town and it has gotten back to him. I don't know if they know about affair but they do know he wants a divorce. I just don't know how to find out who she is.

Any suggestions on how to plan A when WH wants to just ignore me? I don't know if he'll actually contact a lawyer today and get D started, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

WAT, essentially he has left. As of last night, he no longer lives at home, so I don't yet of a MSA for him to sign. I don't feel like I've had a chance to do a strong Plan A, should I still Plan B after he signs MSA once I get that done? Seems to soon for Plan B if I haven't done a strong A....but then again, I'm having a hard time with Plan A because I don't know what his needs are.

Again, thank you so much for your support and understanding. I have a hard time taking advice from people who have not been through it before. Everyone tells me just to kick him out and stay away from him...he made the choice to have an A and now he can deal with it. But I love him and deeply want our family intact. He's a good man and I don't want to give him up to the "aliens".

Withdraw 50% of the joint account today.

Any joint credit cards? Close 'em.

Any joint liquid savings/investments? Withdraw half ASAP.

Don't warn him you're doing this stuff.

See an attorney ASAP. Let the attorney go for the jugular. All the while, you're sweet as can be.

Plan A through this process. Invite him over for dinners and to spend time with the kids. Often. Maximize the time you're available to share with him. No hints of what is to come - Plan B and going dark, right after the legal stuff is arranged.

Make sure you take the moral high ground in the legal arena - you DO NOT want a divorce.

Plan A while separated is inefficient. Guess at his needs, but IMHO no sex. Too risky. Avoid LBs like the plague. The MSA will be a bucket of cold water LBs - so plan to deflect that to the attorney. "He/She's just trying to protect me and the kids. We don't need to do this at all, ya know. There are State guidelines."

OK?

WAT

If you have the email address of his entire office use the email heartsore AND add the fact you don't know which coworker he is actually having the affair with and any information they can give (even anonymously by a secret email account or voice message to my home at xxx.xxx.xxx) will be appreciated. Somebody there KNOWS and will likely tell you.

I'd add something like this to such blanket email.

"p.s. - If YOU happen to be the one having an affair with my husband know that I love him and will fight for him with all my heart. No matter what he's told you (I know he is lying to YOU cause all cheaters lie) NOTHING was wrong with our marriage until you arrived on the scene and you are hurting me and my daughters with your insiduous adulterous sinful behavior. Please, for the sake of decency, end your affair with my husband NOW. True happiness can never be attained upon the destruction of innocent people like me and my daughters. Save yourself...get out NOW."

Do I get MSA in place before exposing to work? The #@$& is giong to hit the fan when that is done. I'm in the process of composing the email and getting thoughts together to see a lawyer.

Thanks a million for the assistance! Taking action against the A is great! Although I'm a little afraid of repurcussions (sp).

classic!

goes into the WS "hall of shame" comments

can't treat his wife decently lest she think she is worthy

[censored] remark <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pep

stick with us ... we have courage to spare ...

what do the kids know?

Pep

foxy - what kind of workplace is this?

What type of work does you H do there?

IMHO, the MSA and this exposure are independent.

WAT

repercussions

Yes...without us telling you in advance you would have likely been convinced you made the biggest mistake of your life. He will go nuts and tell you

1. "Now you've done it...NOW, I will never reconcile with you"

2. "how could you do that to me/her/us"

3. "What possibly did you hope to accomplish by this"

4. "Thanks...now, you've brought us even closer together"

5. "now that everybodies KNOWS, there is nothing to hide anymore and we are closer than ever BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID"


You just have to trust the Professionally recommend Marriage Builder plan. Exposure IS the beginning of the end. They may seem to be drawing together more but they are merely clinging in chaos and NO LONGER secretively and passionately in extramarital sexual bliss. Reality creeps in. Insecurity creeps in. The quicksand that their relationship was built on begins to consume them. They start fighting and love busting as the real world, consequnces and sacrifices come down upon them both individual and as a couple.

Mr. Wondering

wow. go for it. you have nothing to loose and soooooo much to gain.

go with God.

Yes. Google for reverse number lookup and you'll get a number of places that do it. Searchdetective.net comes to mind but others may have experience with other sites. This will cost you 10 or 20 bucks; well worth it in the grand scheme of things.

There is a 'spying 101' thread around here somewhere too.

This link might help also: http://www.zabasearch.com/frames/zaba_in...;linktype=phone

WH had talked to the kids a couple of weeks ago (while I was just put on anti-d's) and explained Mom and Dad were having problems and when we knew more we would tell them. He did not mention divorce at the time.

Because he had not come home last week, I felt I had to be truthful with my daughters. They knew he wasn't coming home and had been asking where he was. The day before yesterday I sat them down and told them that Dad had decided he doesn't love me anymore, but that he loves them very much. I told them that he had a house of his own that he stays at when not at home with us. I told them how important our family was to me and that I loved them and Dad very much and I would do everything I could to keep our family together. I did not tell them about OW.

I emailed WH the next morning simply stating "I talked to the girls last night"

WH then talked to them stating that we were getting divorced, but he loved them very much and would always be their dad and they could come to him whenever they needed to.

I then had to talk to them because he was so blunt and I can't have them be as crushed as I was. I told them I was sorry if it felt that we were pulling them back and forth but I wanted to make sure they were ok. I explained that Dad was going through a really hard time and was confused about alot of things in his life. I told them that even though Dad said we were getting divorced, I was still going to fight and show him how much I loved him. I told them none of this was their fault and it was something that Dad and I had to work out. I also told them that as of last night he wouldn't be staying at home anymore. I told them to come to me if they were scared or worried any time of the day and night. Big hugs and then we went out and played volleyball and laughed alot.

foxy - what kind of workplace is this?

What type of work does you H do there?

IMHO, the MSA and this exposure are independent.

WAT

WS works as a Claims Manager for a major trucking company. Unfortunately, the CEO of this company has his own history of affairs. One thought I had is to include in my email to co-workers/management is that it could be a potential legal problem for company as WH is in management and if OW turns on him, company could be in the middle of it.

In my head I know the MSA and exposure should be independent but I'm concerned that if I expose first, he won't sign MSA or will fight for more. Any thoughts?

Thanks again for your help. As most of you seem to know, the support shown here keeps the BS grounded and helps them to stick to the plan. I truly appreciate it.

My son was 12 when my XW's affair commenced.

When she dicided to move out to pursue her non-affair (she denies it to this day) I made the biggest mistake in my affair fighting role: I agreed to explain her departure to our son as "Mommy and Daddy are not getting along right now."

Huge mistake.

I strongly ecnourage you to tell the full story to your daughters. Dad has a girlfriend. They're old enough to understand and it'll help them understand your anxiety.

Do not cover for him. DO not deny him the tough love that truthful consequences can deliver.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

WAT

Really? I should tell them about OW? I'm going to have to think on this one. I do want him to have to face the consequences, but do not want daughters to think later in life that I was badmouthing him. My youngest sister (17 yrs) really gave to him after I told her. He has always thought of her as a daughter and it really hurt him when she turned on him to protect me. Which made me feel good but I'm not sure my daughters will see things the same way my sister did.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Thank you, WAT. I do want to tell them and be absolutely truthful (somebody has to be) but I'm worried about what it will do to them.