I am currently in a happy marriage of 10 years and have three wonderful children. There have been very few problems in our marriage; however, I want to get some feedback on an issue.

During 2001 - 2002 - on several occaisons I would log onto an inappropriate chat room and use the on-line IMs or available photos for stimulation and would self-gratify myself. I never looked for a single or continous person with whom to chat and most of the time just used the profile photos for stimulation. There were no emotional affairs, no emails, no phone calls, no live visits. I didn't incldue any personal info in my profile or provided anything to anyone.

This bad habit never interfered with intimate relations with my wife since I only did it when we were apart or could not have relations due to our practice of natural family planning. At the time I thought it was a better alternative than "those sites". After the novelty wore off I stopped doing this and have not gone back. I have never had an EA or a PA or a ONS. Since we stopped using natural family planning and have no nead for birth control ( I have a vasectomy), my need to "handle issues" on m own is over.

However, after coming to the MB site to find ways to keep our marriage growing, I have been reading some of these posts on the message boards and now fear that what I did constituted an A. I am not sure if this is my overactive guilty complex over-reacting or if I am interpreting this correctly. I realize what I did was selfish and weak - I have stopped - but it seems to fall in this gray area of where I am confused and feeling like a real piece of cr*p.

So hear is my question - Was it an A? If so should I confess this to my wife and destroy what is right now a happy marriage and tear my wife's world apart?

Anybody willing to answer? Respond? Hit me with a brick?

Given the combined experience on this board I would value any response.

I am not an old timer, but I say keep it to yourself. You did not have a relationship, you had "events." That are long over, nothing emotional, not with real people and hopefully you realize how they could absolutely harm your marriage if you ever did it again.

But you need to watch the justification thing. What if there's another situation- illness, family emergency, etc, that would take your wife away or not allow SF (sexual fulfillment, I had to ask what that was, lol). Anyway, you justified it once, make sure you have the cajones to not justify any more. At all. Do NOTHING that would jeopardize your Marriage, no matter what. Sacrifice is part of marriage. Make sure you are willing to sacrifice even if it's "not fair" or hard.

Just my $.02.

Mrs. Rob thanks for your response - I am not trying to justify what I did - by no means. I was offering the reason that was running through my mind at the time. I felt bad about it; knew it became a habit and fortunately just walked away from it. The novelty of being able to go online and get instant gratification became a habit that could have become an addiction. My wife new that I occaisonally did "self-gratify" myself from time to time, but the on-line stuff I used to do it - she was not.

At the time I thought it was harmless - but after making my confessions to a priest over time - I realized that I was doing something for myself and not for her and I was endangering my marriage. I was immature and self-centred.

I do appreciate your .02 cents. Thank You.

I have a different take on things. My husband had a problem with porn.

I agree with Mrs. Rob- you did not have an affair. But I also disagree- I think you should tell your wife about your "events".

If your marriage is really and truly happy, this confession will not destroy it. I think that you were doing this for some underlying reason, and your wife may help you get to the cause of it. If you ignore it and "sweep under the rug", I think it will happen again when you are stressed.

In a marriage, there must be radical honesty. Whenever there is deception, there is a barrier to true intimacy. If I were you, I'd tell your wife. She may be mad at first, but she will see that you are confessing because you respect her and love her.

(just my 2 cents, also <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

L-L, I'm not saying you were justifying what you did- I'm saying that you were justifying while DOING it.....see the difference? So you need to make sure you will never justify that the circumstances you find yourself in are okay to go back to those behaviors.

090886- I totally see your point of view- it's just that it was sooo long ago and it has totally stopped since then....I just know that maybe I myself wouldnt' want to know, especially since it's a non-issue in the M now.

I think guilt is a good thing if it's used as a motivator to change behavior, and not as a motivator to hurt someone else.

So is this now $.04???? lol

Thanks for your respones. I am still thinkinb about telling her - but considering the issue (events as you referred) were related to a bad habit on my part - I am leaning towards not because of the fact that I am no longer involved in that behaviour. In addition, Ihave benworking extremely hard on making my wife and kids the sole focus of my attentions and time.

However, I my reflection on this issue over the past week or so has opened up an extreme amount of guilt on my part. I now feel that I am not good enough to be the husband of my wife. While I took time to be selfish and go to those room and look at inappropriate material - my wife did not and was better than me. I now find it hard to have joy in the things I love most because of this guilt.

Part of me tells me to move on and make life wonderful for my family - but why can't I forgive myself?

I think you'll need to come clean about this.
Not telling your wife is really telling her
"I don't think you can handle this".
If it's really such a long time ago
and not an issue anymore
then why not tell her?

I would like to know.

Post deleted by Pepperband

Because you know instinctively that your past actions - although past - hurt your wife. Although I agree you did not have an A, you nevertheless robbed your wife of time, energy and emotionally intimate thoughts that rightfully belonged to her.

Unfortunately, these "past" actions continue to hurt your wife because your guilt over having hurt her (just because she doesn't know you hurt her does not mean the hurtful actions did not take place) is causing you to put up walls that further hamper your intimacy.

She's crashing into these walls and she has no clue why they are there. Yet you somehow think you are protecting her by "leaving it in the past" and allowing your unexplained guilt to increase distance between the two of you.

Tell your wife. She was and continues to be hurt by your actions. Your silence enhances the betrayal.

The sooner the two of you are completely honest with one another, the sooner your heart will be at ease. Right now you have a sneaking suspicion that if your wife *truly* knew you (warts and all), she might react very negatively. The fear of that reaction is part of your inability to move on.

Wouldn't it be nice if you knew that she knew and forgave and loved you anyway? Wouldn't it be nice if there were no secrets? Wouldn't it be nice if you knew your wife was aware of all of your needs and was working hard to meet them, while you did the same for her?

Tell your wife.

G

Dr Harley:

Basic Concept #6: The Policy of Radical Honesty

It isn't easy to be honest. Honesty is an unpopular value these days, and most couples have not made this commitment to each other. Many marriage counselors and clergymen argue that honesty is not always the best policy. They believe that it's cruel to disclose past indiscretions and it's selfish to make such disclosures. While it makes you feel better to get a mistake off your chest, it causes your partner to suffer. So, they argue, the truly caring thing to do is to lie about your mistakes or at least keep them tucked away.

And if it's compassionate to lie about sins of the past, why isn't it also compassionate to lie about sins of the present -- or future? To my way of thinking, it's like letting the proverbial camel's nose under the tent. Eventually you will be dining with the camel. Either honesty is always right, or you'll always have an excuse for being dishonest.

To help remind couples how important honesty is in marriage, I have written the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.

Self-imposed honesty with your spouse is essential to your marriage's safety and success. Honesty will not only bring you closer to each other emotionally, it will also prevent the creation of destructive habits that are kept secret from your partner.

The Policy of Radical Honesty combined with the Policy of Joint Agreement are two guidelines that will help you create an open and integrated lifestyle, one that will guarantee your love for each other. They also prevent the creation of a secret second life where infidelity, the greatest threat to your marriage, can grow like mold in a damp, dark cellar.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Policy of Radical Honesty: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Pepperband - I am not sure I understand your response.

Can you elaborate?

no
prolly better I don't

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

just ignore me

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

OK Here goes. My wife and I were watching a movie on Saturday night and I broached the issue about m-bating. She asked me if I ever have done that - I said yes - not recently. I told here that on occaison while we were apart or on nights I was working late in the den - that I would do so when the moment hit me.

She stoppped me there and told me that she was hurt and kind of mad at me because she thought that was cheating on her (cheating with a small "C"). I told her I agreed and that I was guilty about it and realized it took time and attention away from her.

I was about to go into the issue on porn/chat rooms as the means of stimulation and she stopped before I started and asked if I fantasized about women we both knew and I told her it was mostly fantasy. She said she was dissapointed because she knows that a lot of men do this but figured I was different. She then said that she knew enough and wanted to watch the movie.

So far she has not brought the issue up and did not explode or anything.

Any thoughts?

If you are unable to ahem...perform...without the use of internet porn or regular porn and "lefty" is your preferred partner of choice rather than your wife, I'd say it's time to consider you may have a sex addiction. I would at this time consult a counselor to help you through this.

You describe your sitch as benign...yet I see it as something far worse. I didn't know my xh's casual watching of playboy channel during our marriage would feed his now addictions to other women and to women who basically now look like imho...strippers.

Wanna end up like him? Keep it up! If not, then establish HEALTHY ways to heat up your marriage with you and your wife TOGETHER spicing things up...and get help for why you need the internet porn. That stuff is addictive!

and I am no prude either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mbation is normal...when used ahem...in moderation.

justpeachy - I am sorry I offended you - but if you read my post it dealt with a bad habit I had around 2001-2002. I did not engage in this activity alll the time - and did not interrupt my intimate relations with my wife and I never needed it to get me to perform. In fact it became a secret habit. I no longer do this because I recognized it was becoming a habit and could become addictive although it did not.

In retrospect I realized that what was just some chat room clicks and online photos/videos/webcams became a form of fantasy/escapism that could have become more destructive.

Hi LL-
I am very glad you were able to 1) recognize your behavior as harmful to your marriage; 2) recognize it as a habit that could become addictive; 3) stop the behavior; and 4) broach the subject with your wife.

I really, really wish my husband did that before it was too late.

Your wife seemed a bit taken aback when you told her that you fantasized, and didn't want to hear more about it. She is probably thinking about what you told her, and she may ask you questions later (days or weeks later, if she's anything like me). Please be completely honest with her if/when she asks questions. Also, when you have these discussions, remind her that you stopped the behavior because you love her, and that you find her very attractive. She will feel better about it after she is reassured that she has all your attention and love.

Thanks for posting here LL.

090886 - Thanks for the response.

What if she doesn't ask any more questions or brings the issue up again?