Ok...we alternate years since the D for birthdays for ds. This year is darth's year. It's usually on neutral ground. This year, he chose to unveil his palatial lakehouse for the masses at the school.....and I am not liking it one bit...but am sucking it up and will briefly go to the party saturday...since ds is with me!

Wanna hear some wierdo stuff? I am speaking to him about the party...we have a few words exchanged about his job, my job...and he goes right back to the "well peach..you know that you DON'T NEED TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL..at all...you should just work with ME again...my dad is pulling in x amount of monies working with me and you and I did great and you were such a great producer with me....yada yada yada"...I am like "well darth..it might be a conflict of interest right now for me." him: well you could be back into six figures. easy...me: It's NOT about the money...NEVER WAS...NEVER WILL BE.

then he goes on to say "why don't you stay over later after the party and swim? I mean you and ds and I could go jet ski riding? Wouldn't that be fun?

What is this crap? I told him that his wistress wifey would probably NOT like me hanging out at his house...and jet ski riding with him.

I swear...either the man is still fantasizing he's a mormon (very old school) or islamic and has a harem! Or else he is so into the fantasy that I will become his bestest buddy in the world and we'll hang out together....me in my bikini...him jet skiing beside me...and be "fwb's" with each other or something..

I am just going for the party...plus I will be around all the other moms...who know the score all too well..and my best girlfriend will be with me...her son is in his class too. her H is coming also...to back me up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When does the cakeating ever end? When does this man give it up? I mean, I know his affair marriage is doomed, horrible, and is floundering on the rocks....like a fish outta water gasping for air....but really...

I did say...he he..."wow darth...thanks for the invite...but since ds is staying over with you after the party (i've had ds 3 extra days of darth's custody time this week already), I have made some personal plans saturday night"...he said "well..if that's what you wawnt to do."

Peach - Please study up on your religions! Darth is the non-religious type of sleeze that can't be connected to any faith - of any kind - rather - the man is totally driven by appetite and ego - the word is hedonistic - not polygamist or bigamist.

Religion and Darth descriptions don't mix. Knowing Darth as you've described him here will only offend those truly faithful people who understand the few times God has sanctioned more than one wife - Jacob with Leah and Rachel; Abraham - with Sarah and Haggar... Even David - except for the wife he took which belonged to another man... God didn't sanction it frequently for a good reason - look at the fighting between wives! Sarah and Haggar's children have been at it for eons!

So please - do your fans a favor - and be congruent in your descriptions - Devil Darth is not a man of any faith, save those he places in pleasure regardless of the consequences. He's not fit material for your littlest thoughts!

Hi, peachy. I agree with KA.... Darth is "not fit material for your littlest thoughts!" Devil Darth... tee hee hee!

Seriously though, it sounds like he's a little on the delusional side.... things aren't going well with the wistress, and since he's such hot stuff, surely you're still interested in him. Sounds like you handled the situation with the perfect balance of class and sass!

You know, when my xwh gets on my nerves and I want to blow my top, I usually think to myself, WWJPD?

Signed,
a fan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

you have far too cordial of a relationship with him.
you shouldn't be having these little chats about jobs and school.
you shouldn't let him get so far into your business.
inch = mile with Darth. you know that.

[color:"blue"] inch = mile with Darth. you know that.

[/color]

so true

may I suggest?

the briefest responses possible in any situation

yes thanks
no thanks
I'll think about it

you owe him NO ZERO ZIP NADA explaination of why you give any response you give

otherwise, you are still volunteering for this game-playing

Pep

If you have any interest in reconciliation then I might say something like...end the marriage to the wistress, stop being an infidel...then we will talk...until then...leave me the F alone.

If you sincerely don't want to be with him ever again...even if he reformed...then you are just playing along with him for your own ego enjoyment...or to lead him on....ala game playing...(as pep suggested)

You seem to be getting something from these interactions.

Peachy --
go read the advice you gave to Welderboy. Same applies to you.

Hear hear!

I have very little convos with the man....and most of you honestly know this I am sure of....

it is when we do have a conversation which required more than say...five minutes...and this was about the once a year birthday party of our son...we spoke maybe ten? and I was trying to be decent/friendly...I am in plan D for the most part...but know that one cannot continue a completely dark plan B for life if there are kids involved...it is called reality.

But I have excellent boundaries. It is when these few and far between contacts occur that he pushes the same issues. And it bewilders me.

Probably the only reason I wanted to post about it was to let some know that...well...some xWS remain that way? Or do they? I don't have a clue. But apparently mine has. And it is the strangest thing in the world.

Had to speak to him today...two minutes...about cake and decorations for ds. I kept it short and sweet...we can go weeks without any contact whatsoever...and I usually relegate most of it by email...unless like today he is away from his computer and I am commuting from work...why he called...out of convenience, knowing that I will be away (was away) from my computer for hours and he needed an answer on the head count of kids attending and how large a cake I got and how much food he needs to purchase.

Guess I am saying..this is kinda a vent...about his wishes even after the divorce 2.5 years prior.

And I hardly see the similarities between myself and welder...timelines totally different...and I am movin on! well maybe the fact we both ended up divorced?

If anybody gets anything from this? maybe that just possibly some WS just never wake up. some don't period. that is it.

i am going to sign off...it is ds' actual birthday and he's wanting me to read to him a story before bed!

Peachy,

Self-knowledge is a strength in these situations.

Why do you feel the need to be decent and friendly? Peach, I have to admit that sometimes when I want to go out in public I want Jabba to see me, I want him to miss me. Even if our paths cross in public only happens once a month. He always reacts – even if he’s too proud to show it externally, there’s too much data for someone who knows him as well as I do – hovers nearby, for example. Stares at me across rooms.

This is the very tendency I have to work against – because although part of me wants it, it does me no good, sets back my recovery, and changes nothing.

Ask yourself: Why don't I keep my conversations with him brief, businesslike, and not divulge any unnecessary information? Be brutally honest.

Let me offer a few possible answers:

1) I am still in a lot of pain over this, and I want to convince myself he's a slimeball, and that I'm not missing anything. I need to do this over and over and over.

2) It's he11 to be dumped for an OW, and my self-esteem has suffered. I want him to want me back again -- even though I wouldn't take him on a platter -- to restore what I've lost.

3) I want to watch the A fall apart -- brick by brick.

You can supply a few additional motives of your own.

Then ask: are you getting any desired results from this? I suggest the following responses:

1) You know he's a slimeball, and contact just seems to keep the pain alive. Write down all the things you KNOW about this guy. Keep the list handy. Have your friends supply additional testimonials. Keep the list by the phone. Every time you are prompted to call, or want to stop screening calls, reread the list. Each time you are inclined to be “decent and friendly,” read this.

2) Your self-esteem continues to suffer with each contact. He makes his interest in you clear, without any intention of paying for the interest by ending his other relationship(s). This is another thwack on the head for you. He's still cake-eating -- which proves he's a slimebucket (see #1)

3) On this one, you see a brick or two fall -- but you may be a long way away from seeing the building come down. Is the continued pain worth the potential pleasure? After all, as I know in my own case, there are a lot of reasons for an R to stay together besides true love -- such as inertia and laziness, the unwillingness to admit you were wrong, green cards, increased costs of separation, denial, etc. Do you really want to watch the car wreck in slow motion? What's in it for you?

You're smart, peach, I'm sure you can supply some additional motives and countermotives. Try some on us.

Meanwhile, screen phone calls, find neutral drop-off points for custody exchanges (you're too busy to go to his house -- could he meet you at Starbucks...) and do what you can to minimize contact.

Want to stop the bullcrap?

here's how:



when he does something inappropriate

expose to his now-wife

call her and tell her

"Letting you know Darth has offered me a job working with him. I think it is inappropriate for him to have these secret conversations without his wife's knowledge. Thanks for listening."

>click<

It will stop if you expose it.

Pep

Pep...this woman knows...she knew. She still knows about him and his thoughts about me. She is no complete idiot...but is an idiot though. Plus, I don't want to start the them vs. me bit that affairees do.

And furthemore...why do I want to help her out? Aint' gonna happen.

Yes...I do not respect their marriage...why? It is NOT a marriage. It is an affair borne mockery of what is to be a holy union.

And I do not owe an OW anything in the world. I do not aid nor give compassion to any of em at all! She's lucky I have not changed my mind about things...for if I wanted otherwise? She would be one sad little ow wistress wifey I can say....I owe the woman NOTHING who invaded my home, moved in immediately after I left, shacked upin front of my son, lied and lied and lied, made horrendous choices, was morally reprehensible (in soooo many ways....living wild life, former almost strip model, took drugs...partied alot)and had NO respect for ME...or my marriage or my family...

and when my divorce was not going quickly enough? She got pregnant.

I don't help her out. Especailly not after her fake repentance last summer.

I don't make any and will not accept any responses from anybody regarding the stance I have taken. I do what I believe. I am not gonna open up a can of worms so the crumbling affair marriage can take another last stand and fight against me...nope. Why give it another chance to take a last gasping breath? Their only energy is to unite for a brief moment and then fight against the BS.

The modus operandii of the affairess is the "us vs. them" mentality. I don't feed their affair. I don't. It is wrong and I stand back and watch it die its miserable death from afar. It's their sitch...and I still have mine to deal with from time to time. Nobody should ever help an OP out period. Nada! Never! Trust me...got burned when I tried to help her last summer. She's vicious...snake like and very much the viper..too bad the viper's brain isn't larger though...she needs it to be to deal with me!

Nobody respected MY marriage..not this woman..when I exposed!

Hi Peachy....I am so sorry that this crap is happening. I would do as stated, make a dropoff point for your son to be with his father. When you are to receive your son back, go to the same drop off point. I would make a new dropoff point every 2 or 3 times. This will put your X in a quandra of what is going on? Just state that this is the way it needs to be for our son. For your son doesn't need to see the same place over and over and see that this is the place that I get switched from one parent to the other. This could be a trigger point for your son. Your home needs to be a safe zone for your son.

Yes, having another child does make things hard. Their marriage is not going to make it, you know that and we know that. She is nothing to brag about or be proud about. Just having your x call you and ask about you coming back to work for his company....no way. YOu continue your schooling and find yourself. One day there will be another man in your life, and you will be able to settle down into your little family again.

I was here many years ago. Divorced for 4 years now. The marriage I had I wanted to save and tried and did some mistakes. I was married to a controller and a manipulator. He lied so much, and to this day, he is secretive. One very good move is that he lives very far from me....and the kids which 3 have moved to different states. The last time the x was here he told me that his church was the 'only way', which I asked what that meant. And he said it was the only way to heaven. He bluntantly told his mother that she is going to 'h*ll). For she doesn't go to church and fellowship. She is a very kind woman, and this hurt her badly. I talked to her and reminded her of all the kindness she has in her heart. I told her how many times have your son lied to you and to me. We went through the past, and I said your son is acting out of low self-esteem. He is compulsive and this is what a compulsive person does, plus he we believe is manicdepressive. He puts down the other person, to make himself feel better.

You need to have contact with the X as little as possible. I would not allow emails at all. This was with the Harleys, to cut all emails. He can leave a message on your voicemail. Then you can call and leave a message on his voicemail. To have conversation cut, to the basic, is a necessity on you moving on. I don't talk to my X, just maybe once in 2 months. Recently I had to talk about a problem, that was connected with him. The talk was of the problem, and I thanked him and conversation was ended. I did get caught in his trap the time before, and he started asking me ?'s about my life, my schooling, my dating...and then I realized that I should of said this is not pertenant to this conversation. And I should of changed the subject back to the need of conversation.

What you do is of no concern with him. The only thing that is concern, is dealing with your and his son. That is all that is important....and that is all that is important with my X and I.

Peachy....I have been here before and just started back after about 4 or 5 years. I am back to help others and to show them that there is life after divorce. I had a hard time dealing with divorce and religion. This is finally settled in my head, he is the adulterous one, he is the one that mislead many people....and God has forgiven me for the divorce. For divorce is allowed with adultery and abuse. Mine was physical and it was emotional.

Peachy....you are doing good. Keep going to school and move on girl. You are a very smart woman with so much going for you. If need be get counseling....I did and it was so helpful. I still counsel once in awhile....when I feel there is a tuneup job needed.

Blessings....LoveInHim

thank you for all your responses...I do listen...but in the end, I know that I have to have some level of contact...a plan B isn't indefinite when your M ends up in D. But good fences have good neighbors.

And yes...sometimes we have to talk..today had to talk 2x b/c he had ds (to visit with grandparents and great grandmother after the party yesterday) and was to come home today with me...and ds needed a nap. you just have to do stuff like that if you are to coparent properly...and as of now? The wistress has NO say in the parenting...I've accomplished that! He is skeptical of her now and keeps her on close leash when she is with ds...all she does now is basically hang on the internet all day at home...and doesn't do much.

Meanwhile at the party yesterday...the xil's asked me to come and visit them when I go to see my sis and bro in law...that they'd love for me to come and stay a few days...the wistress and her parents HEARD THAT...It is ironic...the wistress invites her parents and sister to my son's parties...why? SO THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE AROUND SO ALL EYES CAN MONITOR ME..AND MY WHEREABOUTS WITH MY XH...the wistress doesn't trust me...and rightly so! And neither do i trust her.....

something hilarious did happen yesterday...(I have lost seven pounds ok?)....I was at party and one of my best friends' husbands brought their son (my son's best friend) to the party. He hung out w/darth for a while...they smoked a cigar or 2. Seems that Wistress' dad had to come and join them...and my friends' husband did NOT know it was Wistress' father! He was laughing and joking with darth...about life and stuff...and telling about how our kids were gonna have so much fun next weekend...I am going w/ds and my friend and her son to FL next weekend for labor day...so P and darth were talking about it...P said jokingly to darth..."sometimes my man it must be hard to be you...I mean, I am friends with Peach. We love her. She's our token single friend and hangs out w/us alot having dinner, watching movies, etc...but isn't it hard with her here, your little wifey over there, and Peach is standing by the pool built like a brick house?" He said the Wistress' father got up and walked away...

CAN I GET AN AMEN! Payback is heaaaalll!

And yes...I said that I would enjoy seeing the IL's but that I didn't think my coming to visit a few days would be appropriate with their son being married to somebody else...and sadly, his grandma, said to me..."Peach, I haven't seen you in a while...You look great. I told her she looked wonderful too (not a wrinkle and in her late 80's..She said "I figured you'd have gotten married by now...why not?" This was one of those OMGoodness moments. I said, "I am in no rush. I am not gonna rush perfection. When it happens it will be right. I'm holding out. Plus I am happy. Happy's good and I am happy being a mom and happy in my profession." She said "sometimes don't you WISH YOU COULD JUST CHANGE THINGS THAT HAPPENED...I know I wish that Peach." I hugged her. It almost made me tear up.

At the party, the wistress' father never spoke to me once. And I briefly had contact with her stepmother...it was NOT pleasant...and I had to decently call her out but in private and in the most ladylike of terms btw.. and put her in her place..oh and yes! She is not her real mom...SHE WAS HER FATHER'S MISTRESS...wistress' real mom is dead...died during her father's affair...and her father? The leech who was monitoring my xh's interactions with me and with my friends during the party? He was a WS who emotionally abused his dead wife and cheated on her like mad. He probably taught the wistress HOW TO BE A HO in the firstplace!

there was on my way out a "lump in throat" moment. My xh is a huge memoribilia collector. he has tons of signed and autographed movie posters...down the hallway in his entertainment area in the basement, were posters of all his favorite movies (I saw em on my way out)...and last? One movie poster. It almost made me choke. It was MY favorite movie...gladiator.

During our divorce, during a heated arguement, I said to him crying...that I wanted to be married to a guy like general maximus...somebody strong, willing to sacrifice his all for his wife and kids...somebody who would remove anything that would stand in his way that kept him from his wife and family. A man who had strenth and power, yet courageous love...I asked darth..."WHY CAN'T YOU BE THAT MAN...that is who I thought you were?"...I remember that night so very clearly...it was also the name we chose for our dog...maximus. Because I loved that movie so much.

I saw the movie poster for gladiator...and I see the words on the poster advertising it...

"WHAT WE DO IN LIFE...ECHOES IN ETERNITY."

I WANT THAT POSTER! What movie was it?

Peach, can't you not go to parties he's at? Walk out if he walks in, or something?

See my post above. I do think you're way too exposed to this, and it's harming you.