thank Weaver i will try no begging and crying but not in front of him. I am curieus about your technich did you use it when you were separate from your H or before. Because for me i always think about it and last winter i wasnt able to work because of that and i am not 100% ther with my kids and i am afraid because i am back to work in a week and has a teacher i cannot just sit at my desk. But i tell my self one day at the time and i pray a lot.

no more asking it is hard because i want to know if is telling the truth and i know he wont asking me questions because it is easyer for him

fellbad, I used it both for quitting smoking and quitting thinking about a man who was very bad, but who I was in a very intrenched and unhealthy relationship with.

Your mind can be trained to think about whatever you want...it is a very powerful technique that doesn't take too long to start working. It's really about disciplining it.

The word "irrelevant" reminded me that thinking about him was irrelevant to my plan.

I was very, very serious about changing my life, and I did.

You will too.

I'm glad you got the book "SAA", I think "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson will be good for you too, because quite frankly you need to touphen up, and that is exactly what it is going to take to save your marriage.

Not tough on the outside, but tough on the inside. Tough enough to make a plan, start a course of action and follow it through to the next phaze. You can re-evaluate after this phaze but the current part of the plan should be followed though according to what you decided needed to be done.

Go back and read, re-read and really get what Pep said, and I re-iterated over the next few days okay fellbad? Just so you don't fall back into the same habits/mindset which you have had over the last five years.

Assume that he is going to lie, assume that he is going to have contact.

Avoid any opportunities to lovebust, or to distract you, or to put you back into a bad mental place, or to have to fight the urge to cry, beg, fight.

Avoid it like the plaque...you can do this and it is very important that you do.

You are trying to break a certain dynamic in your marriage...the blame/guilt/anger/sorry/please don't leave dynamic.

So just assume he is, and go about your day as bright and shiny as possible...

thank you weaver, i will try and the A last 5 years before i discovered everything july 1 05 so it been a year of misery. And i really want my husband just for me no more tringle. And i know my suffering is not over, i thought for a whould of get out of that fantasy and choose us his family over her but it not the reality and it is so hard to face the reality you hope it was just a dream

How are you doing fellbad?

You have your work cut out for you that is for sure, but you cannot just give up.

That's not saying you don't face reality, you do but through your own personal strength you realize that you do have a certain amount of power to influence the situation...

and that is where a plan comes into play.

Keep posting, it is important for you to have support while you regain your strength and get a clearer picture of where you need to be in order to do what you need to do.