So it all is having an effect. Btw, no more apologizing to a WS, ok? It's a waste of time. Apologizing to a WS is like spitting in the wind.

Go have a nice vacation. Practice on your babbling and let your neighbor know it's ok to warn all the neighbor's about the trolling OW. Maybe the wive's in the neighborhood ought t/b on the look out for her. She may be after their H's also.

Then your concern w/b valid about many knowing about the OW. This OW w/b a troll also. LOL!!! There's a lot of things we can help you do to make their A miserable.

In the meantime go enjoy your vacation. You have no guilt.

L.

Dear Orchid,

Yesterday was quite the day! Thank you for responding. It is nice to know that this is having an effect.

He seems loco.

I'm so excited to get away. I may or may not be on MB for a week.

Take Care!

A pupule (hawaiian for loco - LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) Ws is a good thing.

Keeping a WS off balance is a good goal otherwise the WS w/b aiming to make your life miserable.

Have a great vacation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hello LW,

I hope you are having a great vacation, you deserve it !

Is it that bad too ask for the money ? I don't know. I thought that to have to deal with him about it would be good because you would be in contact with him, it would hammer in him that the family and the family needs are very real.

Sincerly I don't know if not negotiating with him about the money would reinforce the idea that you are unreasonable and that he can't talk to you.

I would keep the conversations short. I would tell him to keep on the topic and make it clear that your past behavior is in the past. I would also let go his past behavior relating to money. Just work on the here and now if possible. Don't let him drag you to senseless conversations.

Concerning the OW walking in front of the house. I would avoid clariying about if there is police or not involved. I would say simple: The only thing I know is that at ... time. when I was with ... and she could not see me, she standed in front of our house for ... time. I think she know you were not home and she may have thought I was not.
My friend and I saw her. For me it was creepy to watch her pondering our house.

My impression is that fact along, without you adding more facts or opinions is very strong. He may not say anything, try not to discuss it. Maybe it would keep in his mind and he starts to look at her under a different light.


Thinking of you.

Thank you Orchid and Larousse!!

I want to respond to some of your great questions larousse...

I called him from vacation and talked to him about my being uncomfortable just spending without some understanding...I asked him how much he intended to give me and I agreed that I thought I could keep it to that. I think he appreciated the phone call.

I bought a vacation gift for each child today and had them thank their dad for the $ that was provided for us and our trip...my son joked "and no, mom didn't make me say that."

I miss him. I also get worked up talking about him to my family and friends...I so badly want to save my marriage...but I think if I come right out and say it...I'm looking desperate...like people are going to start thinking I'm "needy" and unable to let go or afraid to move on...exactly what my WS contends!

OW...I'm terrible at lying...just terrible...I'll try to work on my gig...but I told him the police story was a fabrication. However I did explain that watching her think we were not at home...taking in our house...gauking and staring at it...at that's that...he was like..."should I tell her not to look at the house...you could call the police if you feel unsafe." I said, "It's still my house you know."...and left it at that...he didn't follow up. Hmmm.

Your right about him not being able to talk to me. I'm going to keep trying.

He text msgs. my son a lot. It is like he is on vacation with us. Yesterday at 11pm he asked my DS who was still awake...when my DS told him I was...my WS responded she must of had too much caffiene. This upset me. It prompted me to take the phone. My DS was upset. He said it's not like that. Dad never says bad things about you. I looked at old msgs....he is always asking my DS who is around..where am I...where is his brother...he "uses" my DS as a PI.

I called him and started to express myself and he hung up on me.

My DS came in crying...crying that I was upset...that I would think it was nasty and that Dad and him would be having conversations like that....oooooo!!!!

This isn't cool!!!

He kept saying it's just a joke. We called WS back and in front of my very upset son I told WS that I realize it was a joke...I also said that under the present circumstances I'm sensitive to being the object of any joke that he would make privately with DS. Of course my WS doesn't hear me. Just wants to focus on the fact that I overreacted and that is what he has had to deal with....grrr.

Then my other DS says..."It is hard to get sick of everyone when everyone isn't here." Then his eyes filled right up. This is the first real expression my boys have let out. My 14 year old let me hold him while he just cried...my 11 year old too. He said "it's tough hearing you guys argue everyday."

sad, sad...

My mother says...they need counseling.

I did get my WS to agree to backing off on the text msg. this morning when I called him. I told him I would like to work something out..he sounded reasonable.

I talked about a cleaning lady and just how big the house is. I told him I lied about getting a gift of cash. I said I know you're going to be upset about this but I'm trying to be honest and I'm frustrated that you just say no and won't discuss or even attempt to understand or empathize with me and my needs. He was upset with me...said this stuff drives him crazy about me...makes him think I'm going off the deep end...delusional...he also became quiet and kinda contemplative I thought...like he might actually consider my needs.

My mediator suggested perhaps it is time to suggest he move out. First, I was like yeah...I don't really want it...however he is such a hot head at home I do believe now our confrontations are having an ill effect on the kids. I don't know. ?????????

Anyway...overall I'm doing ok to good. I'm looking around though...can I just say...there is something lonely almost distressing about being in crowds seeing men my age who don't look a thing like relationship material. I just want my H.

Goodnight, ocean breezes



He told me to have a nice time.
I told him I wished things were different

So you are having a great vacation by the Ocean?
Lucky you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

About your WS comment to your DS...

Because of all the changes you have been forced to do because of the affair, you may be trying to remain in control of some things or aspects in your life. I understand that you may feel justify to be oversensitive but I feel you have to let the people around you to be themselves. Your illness is not your fault but they have been affected by it. They have the right to let some stress out. Maybe they felt they were walking in eggshells in the past. If you could also laugh about some of your past symptoms with them... Also, some times men tend to make more jokes about others, sometimes is plain rudeness but sometimes is their way to show their care.

At this point it may be best not to talk to your husband too much. Let him wonder what are you up to. You are trying to create a more positive image of you and you can't do that if he keeps dragging you to talk about the old you.

Maybe I'm wrong but I get the impression that your husband is not completely done with your marriage. He's searching more reasons to go ahead with the divorce and he faces as much presion as you from family and friends to go ahead. I feel that the longer the divorce takes the more he will realize that OW is not the paradise he thinks she's.

Marketing uses Public Relationships as a tool to create an image, to promote certain ideas or tendencies that on the long run will benefit their product. PR used by Marketing is making the others to talk about good of a product or a service. Because at this point in your marriage you can't use 'direct sales', you want to create positive images of you that would make other talk good about you. I hope it was not too elaborate, my point was that it's ok that your DS's talk to your WS about you, about what they do, etc.

I would suggest you not to try to talk to you WS constantly or try to make him talk to you but if the ocassion appears then do it in a way that leave good memories of you, cheerful, positive, playful...

I hope you are having a great time.

Hi to All the Wonderful MB Folks:

He went away with OW while I'll was on vacation. Boy it hurts. He lied. My MIL took care of our dogs!! She and FIL knew and enabled him. Double hurt.

He left earlier this evening and isn't home, must be he has decided to spend the night away...probably at folks.

I LB'd ALL over him. He kept saying "let it go!" "Let me go!"

What a weasel way. If I won't go his way he is just going to hurt me until I bend.

I said why couldn't he at least wait until we were separated...he said "you won't separate." That's not true.

My mediator is going to suggest he move out Mon. night...I think he might anyway.

Hey everybody...I don't want to live in this village anymore. In mediation I want to fight back with his cruelty...I don't trust him. I don't "feel" right about negotiating under such treatment...as if it is "ok." I don't want him to think he can treat me like this and it is "business" as usual in mediation. I want some space. I want him to move out. It feels so over...I feel pain...I feel a whole...and I hate the weasel so much.

I've been thinking I would like one month for each indiscretion...first the money out of our acct. and now his weekend away. So I was thinking once he moves out I will want two months before I meet again in mediation. Why should I reward his nasty behavior.

Ohh. My heart hurts. How can a person be so cruel. I hate him he is so selfish and demanding and when I told him so he said "yup!"

I'm trying to be strong but I feel a hole in my chest. I want hide. I hate him for his selfishness...I'm so sad and am I really that bad??

It hurts really really bad right now.

good morning...I'm crying...my DS's start school today...I want to move to Australia.

It just hurts, hurts, hurts.

Apparently he did tell the boys he was sleeping over at his folks. It is the first noble thing he has done. He took his clothes...told them he would be back in the morning to see them off.

WTF...

Oh please God give me strength.

He has had to deliver this knife to my heart so I can let him go and he can leave.

Why, why should I shield him from my tears? I want No contact NOW.

Please someone talk to me

My heart hardens against the cold cruel November wind that carries winter on it's way. Protect me now from such bitter biting snapping wind. My light burns to keep me and my children warm. I'll work hard to build a shelter so we can stay warm and keep our eyes fixed on the light. Though it may be a long winter..."I am" has "promised" spring will come.

Where...ever...this little inspirational poem just came from...right out of my heart and hand...it must be because God is soothing my pain right now and I'm going to light my candle today...all day.

Time to get my babies off to a great start. I love them.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B

Oh my children's hearts. I feel their pain and loneliness...oh if I could stop it...I've been trying for him and them and me so hard...I must sure up everything I have...oh this hurts.

I don't think it is right nor does it feel right that he sleeps somewhere else and he can barge in here any old time he wants...this isn't fair...none of this is fair...

Oh I just yelled at him terrible LB's. Oh I'm in trouble this hurt so bad. I can't stand looking at him.

He hurt me so bad

I'm in no condition to mediate

Oh my dear,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll write more along the afternoon.

Please remember these are battles not the war.

He's deep in fog land, his words are a reflextion of his affair.

I would say you don't have to mediate if you don't want to divorce. If he wants to divorce he has to do the work not you. Nevertheless ask your lawyer and get all the information you need to protect your and your children finances.

Because of the nature of the fog at some point he would say that you also wanted the divorce because you went to mediation.

You don't have to be rude, you just have to tell with few simple words. I don't want to divorce, I believe in the value of marriage and family. It's your right to divorce as it is my right not to agree with it.

Your value is not determinated by his fog.
I know how much it hurts but you are so beautiful human being, believe in your inner value. Believe in your Grace.

Try to avoid LB, identify your anger, what's the feeling behind of it.

More in a while

[color:"red"] ((( [/color] [color:"green"] ((( [/color] ((((((LWP))))))))))[color:"red"] ))) [/color] [color:"green"] ))) [/color]

LWP, maybe you have seen this post, it's called 'Stay Still', by Ark^^.

:::::::::::

[color:"red"] [/color]

[color:"red"] Here is the link to the whole thread where that quote comes from...[/color]

Link to Be the Lighthouse, thread.


:::::::::::::::::

I just want to add;

[color:"green"] Concentrate on you, what do you do that makes you loose your peace of mind. [/color]

[color:"blue"] Take control of yourself not of him.[/color]
[color:"orange"] ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: [/color]

Don't accept the false confort of 'feeling miserable'. Go on with your life. Smile, flourish, create. Refuse to be miserable, refuse to be feel rejected. Your value lays in what you do and what you are, not in what someone says of you, specially a fogged WS.

I'm loosing my peace of mind when I concentrate on the pain and then I feel like flicking it off. I lash out and the LB's go everywhere and he smiles...I'm losing my mojo.

I don't see hope...I don't see it....I don't want to see it anymore...I'm so hurt, so hurt. How can they feel good and right about what they have done??? They're sick.

When does this end? When my hope is smashed a billion times.

What am I to do. If I stand my ground I'll be the fool. The community will think I won't let go...I'm hearing it from people...let go, let go.."you should've expected it."

I want to move far far away.

My heart is aching

My WS has planted the seed in the kids head "every other week." the jerk!!!!

Dear LWP,

I feel your pain. Read the post about the light house, feel the pain but try not to react to your WS actions.

LWP,

I'm thinking you changed your screen name...am I correct?

When all you see is your pain...check where your focus is...

Is it on what you cannot control? Is it on your WS? His stuff...thoughts, feelings and beliefs?

Not yours?

When we betray ourselves, we experience intense pain...causes a fog of our own...feels lost, helpless, powerless...full of aches and bites.

Stop betraying yourself...each time your focus strays, pull it back...into your own power, your choices...you know you choose everything about yourself...your thoughts, beliefs, perspective and perception.

What did you do that was so wrong that you need to escape yourself?

Nothing.

Do not act as if you did.

Stay on you...your own permissions need to be revoked for LBs...identifying and meeting your own ENs...and seeing yourself clearly, without judgment...to know yourself truly.

You know this...you knew this...remind yourself...practice the "I am" statement (whisper or pronouncement) several times a day.

You can do this...no doubt. You see how far you've climbed up that spiral staircase...and those poles that run from the ground to the sky...you keep meeting them again...know you are not lost and you have not fallen...you are coming around again to know what you already know...there's a false payoff in focusing on others...WH in particularly...find it and get honest with yourself...there is no real payoff.

You have abundant real payoffs awaiting in you. Get to know them and celebrate them.

LA

Thank you larousse...I love the be the lighthouse passage and I will focus on it.

Loving Anyway...you are so incredibly right about my focus!!! How far have I fallen and can I get back up. I need to forgive myself for losing sight of myself and my personal goals, beliefs, and thoughts.

The spiral staircase analogy is amazing to me. It is just so true.

When I listen to myself...I'm so much more healthy...I'm somewhat confused right now and I don't like it. I'm unsure as to what to do. I need some quiet space and time to reflect and listen to my heart so I can hear it.

I'll be looking for my sense of direction in this storm.
Someone walking their course with conviction safely dry behind their raincoat in the thunder shower is who I am.

I'm going to print your post...it has incredible meaning and serves as a good reminder when my focus has moved.

A pillar of strength I am. It is like becoming buddhist someone told me...it's a higher level of enlightenment.

Thanks again for your words. It will help me rechannel my energies.

I'll pray on this.

Good morning everyone,

I had a good one. I didn't LB when WS came over this morning...even though a few times I felt myself starting to stray towards the pain I pulled myself back in. I even said goodmorning to him and offered him coffee...of course he refused.

I'm feeling so much more centered. I'm still going around and around in my head about what to do.

1. Do nothing for a little while until I see clearer...hopefully...

2. Sit and let him divorce me and fight like heck for the marriage

3. Work out some interim agreement immediately which I suspect starts to begin some semblance of a basis of a LSA

4. Just wait and see how things pan out right now...he is out of the house and I'm finding I have incredible power since I'm here and so are the children...and I see bills that need to be paid and his name is on them too...his taking control of the $ will soon be calling his name for being responsible!

4. I don't want to give up hope.

5. After this morning I must admit if he stays civil...this could work out nicely...he sees me everyday several times...still because the kids are here and sees how well I'm doing...continuing my plan A as best I can...while keeping my focus on improving my self and caring for the kids. Which is hard when really the focus is to save a marraige and family.

6. Why should I rush to keep him from walking into the house whenever he wants? I should welcome it.

7. I imagine he (and OW) will eventually grow weary of the grey zone and he will not like coming and going so much...he now is spending more time with the kids and I'm right there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

8. Perhaps for some unforseen reason I can't make it to mediation on Monday...first day of student teaching? and I'm exhausted!