Sorry for the long title, my friends, but that really is a summary of what I'll be sharing tonight.

I have been so overwhelmed and busy I have been on this site ONCE in 3 weeks, and that is so not like me.

But alas, I can breathe again. I'll explain why in a minute.

First off, I had my year anniversary August 14th. I still cannot believe it has been over a year now since the drama started. A year. So much has happened in a year. And I'm still okay and still know I will be. I have learnd SOOOOO much from everyone here, and have survived largely due to the support I found here. I look at shimmygirl's transformation and the fact that she and I were relatively on the same timeline, and I again am in awe of what a year can bring.

To remember myself a year ago and see the changes that are now in my life. The comments from friends. The seven month old who crawls and stands and patty-cakes and blabs "mama" now that was then only a 17 week old little bean in my belly. The kindergartener who was then my almost 4 year old. It is amazing. The WH who is still a sad case of blaming and inability to accept personal responsibilty. The woman I am now that I would never have been otherwise.

To think of the tears and hurt that once paralyzed me to now the dull sting that only surfaces now and then. That is HUGE! To remember the nights I'd type here and share here hoping for a glimmer of something. The desperateness we all feel at some point. And to remember those milestone moments where others saw our growth and we saw it ourselves. When I decided to stand up for myself. When I chose to fight for marriage. When I realized that no matter what, I'd be okay. My boys would be okay.

And what about the pity parties? Oh, I have had a large slice of that pie for sure. But the listening ears, the dedicated comments from Believer, Justpeachy and Orchid, the wisdom of Mel, ammartin, mrsStowaway and Lem, the comfort from SM (shimmy now) and inadaze, etc...the list goes on. Thank you everyone.

A year later finds me well, I guess.

I started teaching, and quickly decided to not put the money (since I also had a second job) before the boys. By a miracle, I had never received my contract from the district, so I told the principal earlier this week that I decided not to sign on with the district afterall. He was supportive and encouraged me to take it slow for awhile and just enjoy those boys. It's a financial stretch, but worth it for the time being. I was offered an adjunct position at my old university--part-time, less work-load, and e-mailed the dean tonight that I would be intersted in the Spring semester. It is nice to have one full-time job and not two. I was really missing those boys. And that is why I am able to visit this site again, check-in, and maybe help someone myself.

And there is finally a court date that is REAL and filed. The letter that came in the mail stated it was set for Sept. 26 and that it was contested. Have not a clue why it would be contested, but will be calling the lawyer tomorrow to see what that means.
STBX is an ever-going piece of work. He is now a car salesman (sorry to anyone who is one, but for some reason, this really made me laugh). He will only be able to see the boys saturday nights (late) to sundays. Not much for sure. He is still seeing OW on and off. He still randomly confesses undying love, only to find his way in her bed again. He has no prob telling me so. And I have learned to ward him off. It took me sooooo long, and I am not fully there yet--but I have really come to a point where I can dismiss his comments and laugh. I will remain sad for him. Can't help that. But I am glad to be out of the drama.

And I'm glad to be home with my boys again. The past three weeks were hockeysticks for sure.

Missed you all--sorry for the epic.
intexas

Been missing you. Glad you are well. Glad pieces are falling into place. You know, I did a lot of years of what seemed like poverty. Probably was pretty close to it. And God always kept food on the table, gas in the car, and a roof over our heads. And I would take nothing for that time with my children.

Glad to see you posting again! I've been wondering about you. Your post really said it all.

I think it would be great to spend more time with your boys. I was blessed enough to be able to stay home with mine for 4 years. It set me back in a material way, but I'm so happy that I did it.

Hi, intexas! So glad to hear from you! It's coming up on a year for me, too, and I myself have been reflecting on what a difference a year makes, just like you have in your post. Back when it first happened, people told me it would get better and easier with time, but I didn't believe them. I wanted to wallow in my misery and self pity and pine for my dear. But with some distance behind me, I can really see our marriage for what it was... not the fairy tale I thought it was. And life really does go on. I look back on surviving so much on my own.... birthday, DD's first birthday and Christmas, my wedding anniversary, my mother's death, dealing with the divorce itself... and I realize I'm stronger than I thought I was. While I'm not quite there yet, I am looking forward to the future, to being happy again. And you will, too!

Please let us know what the lawyer says about your court date.... and give those boys a few squeezes!

intexas,

It's empowering to read your post. It can be done! I can see myself walking in your footsteps.

Congratulations...it is so nice to see how much you enjoy being there for your children.

Your post has put a smile on my face.

Thanks, guys.

I am so glad I have finally decided to slow down a bit and just be still. I have had it in my mind that I had to get out of this job, into a new career and start getting us financially more stable. And while those are admirable goals, I think it is best to take it slow until the boys are older.

I have always been a hard worker, so I am sure I'll find side jobs to fill in the income gaps here and there.

Lawyer wasn't in today, so I left a message with the assistant. Still really wondering about that.

On a side note, the pontiac guy from the dealership I was trying to trade my car in at asked for my number to take me out sometime. : ) I said no immediately, but it made me smile anyway. Irony--STBX is also selling pontiacs now.

inTexas,

I'm glad you're doing well.

I still vote for the concrete life-jacket for your H.

-AD

I think he needs the same tailor as Jimmy Hoffa - someone who specializes in those concrete life-jackets. A custom made one would be the perfect thing to throw him.

intexas, your post makes me smile and gives me great relief. I was very scared for you at one time. Young, pregnant and at the mercy of a silver tongued devil. But, you have what it takes to protect yourself and I have nothing but the greatest admiration for what you have done.

I know that with him out of your life, you can handle what comes because you are a survivor, rather than a victim. And Lord knows you have much to whine about! But you haven't been sitting around whining all these long months, you have been diligently and persistently working to dig yourself out of this mess. I have nothing but the greatest admiration for you, intexas. You are a hero in my book and I know now you will do just fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

love this update

YOU ROCK !

Pep

Thanks Mel, Pep, Cin"dy" and A_D.

I can't believe I am just now visiting this post from a week or so ago. YOUR posts made me smile. I appreciate the kind words.

And Mel, I am not sure I thanked you before or not-always say I am gonna send you an e-mail, but THANK YOU for the encouragememt to tell my family about what was going on. That was a huge step for me in overcoming my fear. And a huge relief to have my mom's support. Thank you.

I guess the lawyer thing is about the C.Support. Hopefully it will be worked out before the court date. If so, I don't have to even show up. Not sure yet if I will or not. Even though I am okay with this now--okay as one can be when dealt a bad hand in things--I am sure it will still be highly emotional--another surge of that mourning that rears its ugly head from time to time.

He and OW are apparently talking a lot again and seeing each other, as my oldest told me all about their time at church (Yes, CHURCH!!!!) and the rest of their day. When they are doing well, he only tries calling during his work hours--in the evenings, she occupies his time. Otherwise, he inundates my cell with calls I don't answer much anymore.

One job only is nice. Really nice. I have never enjoyed my kids more. I still feel exhausted most nights, but nonetheless, for sure have LOADS more time for my kids. He may have carelessly tossed us aside for his selfish need-meeting pursuits, but I am gonna go down with a fight when it comes to making sure the boys have the best life possible.

Speaking of him and the boys--get a load of this--he had them this weekend (well, Saturday 8:30pm to monday 7:30am) and I gave him medicine for Ben (my 5 year old). He is on antibiotics and needs to stay on them.
So monday comes along and he says to me that he left it in the car and did not give it to him (it had to be refrigerated. AND he took him swimming--the boy was on meds for an EAR INFECTION!!! Poor guy had to go back to the doc again (third time in 10 days) and get reput on meds because last night he screamed in pain from the ear. If he had just given him the meds, this would not have happened. Makes me sooo sad for my son. I have it documented at least.

Oh well, thanks for listening to me rant.

Anyone think this single parent thing can be lonely too?

Okay, not having a good day. Darn this self-pity is eating me alive. I hate when I can't shake it.

STBX came to see the boys--late, very late, so I missed my haor appointment that I only scheduled since he said he would be here. That's not a biggy, I know. Inconvenience--not a crisis.

he stayed at my house with Ollie and Elliot, and then picked up ben from school and brought them all back at 4:30--an hour and a half early. Said he was just too emotional. Ugh. He didn't feed them either like he should have.

While he was at my place before I left, he kept asking for a hug and commenting on my cleavage. (Which, by the way, I feel I should add here that I really am modest.) Finally I told him it makes me uncomfortable having him here at my house, and he needed to take the boys somewhere else when he comes to visit. He got angry and said then he would not come.

UGH> UGH> UGH!

And then there is Ben, my oldest, really struggling in kindergarten already, He is the youngest in the class, and is really having a time at the writing thing. His three year old brother can do it already, so I think his self-esteem is already suffering. He is so smart, but is having major delays in writing. I try to be encouraging, but feel like I am not doing a good enough job. And STBX is horrible with him lately. He needs lots of patience and love right now. Attention. I am doing my best, but I feel like he is emotionally hurting and I can;t help him--he's 5. He should be having fun, not telling me he is sad, etc.

These are the moments when I really get ANGRY at STBX> Forget my world--but to turn such a sweet boy's world upside down for such selfishness just hurts me to the core.

He took her around them at church, and I am sure that has to really mess with his head, too.

I love those boys so much--only wanted to give them the best life filled with love and acceptance.

Any ideas to help my little man in adjusting to all the new changes in his life? I want to give him every opportunity out there.

This all just makes me so sad. I hate feeling so dowm. Think I need some "me" time to regroup and sit still before the Lord--those moments help so much.

I can do this. I can do this.
right?-

Your boys are blessed with a wonderful mom. They will be just fine. I think boys especially have a hard time in school at first. Don't worry - compliment him and let him know that he is smart. Writing will come. Maybe he can be a doctor - writing won't matter.

In-texas, it is not unusual for children that age to be a bit behind in fine motor skills. Ask the school for assistance. My DD had some help with her fine motor and my older DS had some struggles with it early on. You may want to get some fun things to do at home that involve fine motor skills to strengthen them.

As for his sadness, I wish I had some advice except that he has such a fine mommy and I am grateful for that. Are there other men in your life that can pick up that slack for him? An uncle, grandfather, someone from church? He needs a man to play ball with him, to rough house with him and role model what a real man is. {{in-texas}}

in-texas...you mentioned he was the yougest in the class. my oldest was also, he is now seventeen and entering his senior year. i have to tell you i was also about your age when he was in kindergarten. i was given the choice to hold him and let him do it the following year(kindergarten). he was so smart i didnt think it was a big deal. i figured he would catch up. let me tell you we struggled for years catching up. i wish to this day i had held him back way back when. it would have made a world of difference. think about it. maybe emotionally and physically he just isnt ready this year.......

intexas,

Has your son had a comprehensive eye exam? My 6 yo was behind our 3 yo in recognizing letters and such (they were 1 1/2 and 4 at the time); we found out that DS couldn't even read the TOP line of the eye chart. He's doing well in school now.

Thanks guys.

Ben just had a five year check-up, and passed his eye exam. He actually knows all of his letters, numbers, etc, by sight, and can tell you the corresponding sounds also. He can spell small words and type them on the computer--it is just he can't write them. He also hates to color--I think it is his fine motor skills. I hope that is all it is.

I thought about holding him back, but when I started the teaching job, there was no way I could afford to pay for three in childcare. Now, I think he would feel sad if I took him out. He has made friends already, just feels down about his writing abilities.

It sure hurts when our kids hurt. I am gonna keep encouraging him and keep allowing him to type, etc at home as well as practice writing. That way he can continue to build his reading skills as well.

I hope he has a better day. He has the ear infection still, and was up all night screaming with the pain. He felt better this morning, and I am gonna go up there at noon to give him more tylenol.

Did I mention that I have to go to court now for sure? Saw the lawyer yesterday and we'll have to go before the judge because there is no longer a decree as well as an issue with his support. In texas, unfortunately, it is hard to get a good settlement on support--especially when he just went down in income like 30%! I for sure will have to get some sort of second job--not as demanding as teaching, of course.

Thanks again for letting me share here. It's been so lonely lately, coming here feels familiar in an odd sort of way--comforting, though,

You might also want to have your son checked to see if his eyes track together. Some kids need to have help getting their eyes to focus and move at the same rate. It isn't something that is done by regular vision checks for distance. It's called binocularity (eyes together).

Some signs of it are if they have to use their finger or bob their head to try to keep on the page. Also, for kids who read a little, they may say their eyes burn or they get headaches when they read. That's because their eyes are straining to read and aren't working together.

My youngest had trouble reading and was getting behind as well. He needed glasses and he also needed vision therapy. One eye would move too fast. He also couldn't re-focus after looking up (distance) then looking down on his page. It took seven months of boring exercises, but he got to grade level after that.

Ask a pediatric eye doctor about it if you can.

Intexas,
I am so glad you are getting on. It does my heart good to see that.
My son is 11 and probably has some of the worst handwriting I have seen. I think he gets that from me. Otherwise a brilliant little kid!
He is old enough now that I can tell him it looks horrid and to redo it. Always tells me "I can read it". I just tell him it is not fair that his teacher has to go for special training to read his hand writing.
He just needs practice.
Look below at the site I listed. Maybe you can find something here to help some.

http://www.oblockbooks.com/shoppingcart/html/pages/kskills.htm#writing

Thanks BKarl. I'll check it out. I just bookmarked the page. i was googling my little heart out last night looking for ideas, etc.

And since I have to take him back in for another hearing test (b/c of the ear infections) I will ask about his eyes again. We have a great HUGE hospital here just around the corner, so I know they have the staff on hand for such tests.

Thanks.