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And plan A on the other side of it...start doing things to take care of YOURSELF, so that you become a more attractive choice to him. Show him the YOU that he fell in love with and married.

Also let him know that you CHOSE HIM, You still and always will LOVE him, and no matter what, he is still and always will be YOUR #1 TOP OF THE CHART!

Eagle-

Couldn't agree with you more.

Along with the lies, this was the HARDEST thing for me to deal with after my wife's EA.

Out of the blue this weekend, she gave me a candle she'd bought for me...that said "If I had it all to do over again, I'd still choose YOU.".

I felt for a long time like I wasn't her choice...she was "stuck" with me, since I'd chased off OM.

Hearing that from my wife was critical for me being able to begin trusting her and believing that our marriage truly had a chance.

Brokeshopaholic- I am the WS, and I'm the one who is fighting for our marriage. My BH isn't NOT fighting for it, he's just flat out said that if this marriage is going to work, I am the one to do all of it.

I feel that after time has passed and he feels like I am filling his EN's and that he has even the smallest amount of trust in me he will fight on my side for our marriage to work. At least I hope.

I told him yesterday that there were 2 options. That we divorce, or we make a wonderful marriage. He said, "there's a 3rd option where we just limp along in a crappy marriage." I said "I will not do that." he said, "so you'd choose divorce." I said, "If you decided after a long while of trying that you will never be able to love me again, then yes, that is what I would choose." He did not comment. He always says, "I'm here, MrsRob, and that's all your getting." Though sometimes I feel he's here but not HERE. But I guess I should take what I can get and build on that.

Dear Mrs Rob,

most BS's (and yes, I know you are the WS) get the advice to
plan A to get the WW back into the M and out of the A, meaning
- no whining and insisting on R talk
- being the best person you can be
- learning all you can about EN's and to work hard to fill your WS's EN's
... you know the drill, I guess.

It's no different for you.
You might be able to understand that this is very, very hard for a BS, who has just had his/her world torn apart, his/her self-esteem crushed.. to not lash out.. in fact, to do just the opposite.
It does make the BS a better person.
It does make the WS feel respect for the BS, when they come out of the fog, anyways.
But it's very, very, hard work.

From your BH's perspective, you at least "had" something: you got the satisfaction of having your EN's met by OM.
He had nothing.
He had his safety stolen.
It doesn't give him a blank check to hold this over your head forever, but you'll need to give him more time and get to work yourself.

Cut your BH a lot of slack.
Even if you feel he's far from perfect.
Do all you can to fix this.
But you do NOT need to become a punch ball.
Your BH also made vows - to love, honor and protect you.
Go into counseling for yourself so you can find out what YOU are projecting from your insecurities, and what part of it is HIS problem.
Tricky stuff - practically impossible to do on your own.
Because people tend to look through a magnifiying glass when they feel hurt.
If you heal some of the things that made you run away into an EA instead of confronting them IN your M, you'll find it easier to deal with your H's behavior.
Even to better communicate with him without it turning into something nasty/uncomfortable.

And of course you're worthy...
Ok, you did something really stupid..
If you are prepared to do all it takes to fix it..
Join the club of all of us who have done something really, really stupid at some point in our lives and learned from it !

Owl,

Great to hear from you and the good news about the candle. That is sooooo cool!

MrsRob,

[color:"purple"] Quote: I feel that after time has passed and he feels like I am filling his EN's and that he has even the smallest amount of trust in me he will fight on my side for our marriage to work. At least I hope.

I told him yesterday that there were 2 options. That we divorce, or we make a wonderful marriage. He said, "there's a 3rd option where we just limp along in a crappy marriage." I said "I will not do that." he said, "so you'd choose divorce." I said, "If you decided after a long while of trying that you will never be able to love me again, then yes, that is what I would choose." He did not comment. He always says, "I'm here, MrsRob, and that's all your getting." Though sometimes I feel he's here but not HERE. But I guess I should take what I can get and build on that.[/color]

[color:"blue"] As time passes and he see's that you are truly on his side, you've made your choice, this is not a cruel joke that is going to blow up in his face, he will start to work on your M with you.

Re-emphasize there is only 1 option, the M and rebuilding it to be the best M you could ever have dreamed of. That is all. When I first became a BS I was told never discuss D, repeat the mantra I only do MB and rebuilding the M. If you want to talk D you are out of luck I do not do D I do MB! She got tired of hearing it, but it works especially if you are proving it with you actions every day.

Do not settle for I am here. My FWW used to say that all the time. She now says "I'm here doing the hard work of MB, NOT TRYING, BUT DOING!" Sooooooooo stay on topic, repeat your mantra and do not accept crumbs.

When he says "I'm here, MrsRob, and that's all your getting." Tell him "Not good enough MrRob please work with me, stop punishing me, and let's make this the best M ever!" You don't have to accept that he's "here", tell him you are glad he's here, but you want more and you want to give more. That he is the chosen one, the chosen recipient, and you are there for the long haul, but you will not accept crumbs as you would not expect him to accept crumbs either.

Hang in there! [/color]

"He always says, "I'm here, MrsRob, and that's all your getting."'

He is testing you, Mrs. Rob. He's testing your attachment and your resolve.

It will eventually pass.

Look, his ENs were not being met in your M any better than yours were. But he did not have an A. Down there at some level, and it eventually floats to the top, his Taker is trying to get out. It appears he is fighting it, but it is peeking out here and there.

Plan A for both your M and yourself. No matter what happens you and your M will be improved from what they used to be.

And patience. Two years minimum.

I still say the false recovery is what has really sent him into this tail spin. He wasn't anywhere near like this according to your earlier posts after D-Day 1. It all started after the false recovery. Believe me, a false recovery is almost impossible to stuff back down.

Patience, with consistent honesty and transparency.

With prayers,

Oh, and just lay off the R talk for a while. Let him bring it up. Tell him you will let him bring it up for a while.


With prayers,

I whole hartedly agree with Amphelion.

This is true.

I am learning this also. Patience is a ****** of a thing.

Combined with that we wake up everyday with the reality that we screwed up or got scre*** it will take time to get back. Allow grace and love to heal with time. It will if nothing else make you all the more wiser.

I am there with you.

Thank you all.

HOW do I lay off the R talk??? lol. It is sooo hard. And I am taking the EN questionnaire for BH, and I know SF is #1, but I feel so used. He tells me that he has no feelings of love for me (although he says it- would he say it if he didn't mean it just out of habit?) and that for now I'm just a f*** pig. Nice, huh. That all he wants me for right now is to pay the mortgage and SF when he feels like it. This was what he told me this morning. Last night I attempted to initiate SF and he said "I don't want to but I will if you want to." Um, yah, that's enthusiastic. He said that even though he didnt' want to he was still willing. Now you tell me, if you initiated SF and met with that kind of answer, would you push it?

THis morning I asked him if there was a chance of a good marriage. Yes, I know, I need to keep my mouth shut. But he has told me before that he would divorce me if he didnt' get the sex he wanted. He "took it back," but once said it's hard to un-say. WHich thing is really true? Anyway, he said that he isnt' leaning one way or the other (D or not) and that he couldnt' possibly say what the future will bring. "But there's always hope." He said he'd probably need 5-6 years of f*** pig and paying the mortgage before he'd allow himself to believe that I wouldnt' have another A, since it was 5-6 years into our marriage that the EA occurred. He also threw back in my face a fantasy- nothing real or that I ever even want to act on- that I told him 3-4 years ago!!!! And I have never brought up since- and I didn't bring it up in the first place, he asked me about it! And said that if I wanted to do that particular thing how could he trust me???

I mean, it's getting ridiculous. After 5 months shouldnt' the abuse stop? I know what I did was horrible and a sin and wrong. But do I deserve all this? I'm trying the best I know how and I just feel beat up. I know he's testing my boundaries, Aphelon, but he's stomping all over me and there are times where I really feel I'd be better off without him. I know he needs to see that I"m here for the long haul, and if all the details of our marriage were known here, like they are known to one or two close friends, you might agree with them that he's lucky that I havent' left yet.

I'm just venting. I need to take it one day at a time. Make my goal NO R TALK TODAY!!! lol. I really do love him and I really will stay in our marriage even if he never loves me again, because I will always have the hope that he would love me again.

007, you are soo right about patience being a ^%$&*(!!

YOu know, Eagle, BH NEVER brings up D. It's always me. Trying to get him to say he's going to D me. Like trying to get the other shoe to drop. He says I always take what he says- like I have no feeling of love for you- and projects it out to the worst possible conclusion. "Okay, you don't love me, so you are going to D me." He says that because of this trait he knows I will have another A becasue I'll project him out to the worst possible conclusion and justify another A. But give me a break! Okay , I can see that I need to change that. But he just goads me by saying what he says! Probably to test me, but for heck's sake, how much torture should I take???

Brownhair, thank you for your words of encouragement. I do feel like a punching ball. Thanks for saying I am worthy. I really am trying my hardest. I have HUGE areas of improvement, but I am working hard!

I hate that he thinks I am not worth it.

Well, he won't go to counseling but he did agree to read a book on surviving infidelity that is based on our religion. I know from reading the review that the second half of the book is all about how to forgive and stay married. SO I am hopeful.

Kept R talk to a minimum.....but he did say that he is not the kind to "bail out" of a marriage (neither one of us filed for D in our first marriages). He did always says he is not "planning" on divorcing, but he says that it could happen. I think becasue my brain automatically goes to the worst case scenario I have a hard time looking at this as the gift it really is. I think he is saying he is staying but wants me to realize how devastated he is......

This morning was good....

And for SF resolution, he said that if he wanted SF he'd ask and that he wouldnt' say no if I asked.....so we'll see...

MrsRob - No. What you "define" as abuse, I would call reaction to tremendous emotional trauma. Let's get "real" here for a minute. You stated you were both divorced, and now you have "divorced" him again through an affair. He is NOT your "one and only choice," you've made that clear to him.

What you are "suffering from" in this "isn't 5 months enough?!" sort of thinking is TYPICAL of many Unfaithful Spouses who have decided, for whatever reason, to remain married to the one they betrayed. The way it is usually stated, and you may even have used it at some point, is: "Why can't you just get over it?!"

It is very difficult to get an Unfaithful Spouse to understand the magnitude of the trauma they inflicted, let alone get them to understand the "feelings" and the "emotions." You are STILL viewing this from YOUR perspective and what YOU want. Try thinking about it from the perspective of the "shoe being on the other foot."

If that is hard to do, just spend some time on the Just Found Out forum and read the emotional outpouring of the Betrayed Spouses, both men and women.




Yes, you do. You may not like hearing that, but this no "little mistake." You can shatter trust in an instant, but it takes years to rebuild it. MrsRob, there ARE consequences to all actions, and the consequences that attend infidelity can be HUGE. Adultery KILLED the "marriage that was." You are asking him to "Trust you" when he KNOWS you can't be trusted. It's going to take a long time of your EARNING his trust before "consequences" fade or "go away."




This is a big part of the problem, you don't yet "know enough." It's sort of like trying to do calculus and all you've learned so far is Addition and Subtraction, perhaps even just beginnning to tackle Algebra.

Just for reference, it took 4 years for our marriage to move into "Recovered." That does not mean that some consequences of my wife's infidelity are not still being felt, but that I now trust her again. Without forgiveness AND trust, love is NOT enough to have a "Recovered" marriage. You CAN love someone, but also choose to NOT live with them. You CAN forgive someone, but choose to NOT be married to them. You can TRUST someone and allow them to be "a part of your life," but "best buds" are not Spouses.

It takes the combination of all 3 to have a marriage that IS a marriage and not just a "living arrangement and sexual fulfillment arrangement."

With God or without God would seem to be another question you have to face, since you mentioned faith in your postings.

Those on the system who know me know that I think that a relationship with God (for believers) comes first and directly affects the outcomes one might desire in their marriage.

God bless. May God grant you wisdom as you work through this most difficult of problems for a marriage.

ForeverHers,
Please visit my post... I'd love to hear from you with some of your insight and wisdom...
Heartsore (Heartsore's Story: General Questions II)

MR you just destroyed your H view of marriage to a woman he loves. You cant just get over it.

Stop pushing the D question. Trust me if he wanted out chances are he would be long gone by now.

Work with what you have. I do understand patience lacking. but you have got to try.

everytime you feel like talking R stuff, think of it as setting the both of you back 5 steps. "Give" him room to try to figure it out while being there for him.

We do eventually come around.


Please pray for me too. this morning she was being really mean to me.

came home late last night.

still plan a in hope.

glad you're out of the fog.

Thanks 007. I am lucky that the fog wasnt' that thick for me, mostly just stupidity. Absolutely you are in my prayers. All of us here are.

I am happy today- I emailed BH about some Washington Nationals tickets and put ly3 (code for love you 3, the most anyone can love someone, lol, it's his code)- and when he emailed back he ly3'd me back! Yay!!! That means so much to me.

I ordered the book BH said he'd read, so that will be a good thing for us to do together.

Forever Hers, your points are well taken. I know 5 months is nothing. I know I dont' understand how he feels. Right now I feel like, "I love you, I am as sorry as anyone can be about what I did and I'm trying to make it up to you as much as possible so please help me, don't fight me!!" But like he says, it is not up to me.

Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a....

Patience is a ly3

lol ly3.................... can i borrow that?

husbands dont just band about words like that if they are calling it a day. Give him time.

Tell you what Ms. R you & me got the same problem lets keep each other accountable and trying not to LB our spouses.

OMG.....we might just have an overseas relationship going on here. lol.

Go with God.

thanks for your prayers.

Need to learn not to be so clingy.