I cannot think of a bigger mistake you could make right now. Moving out only makes it impossible to work on your marriage and greatly increases the chances of divorce. You are sabatoging yourself by moving out. There is no benefit to moving out now, only negatives.

If there is an affair, which I believe there is, it gives the AFFAIR the chance to thrive unimpeded. It greatly reduces the chances that you can find out what is really happening if you aren't there. She can now carry on her affair UNIMPEDED and openly from your home. Up to and including inviting the OM into your home. Your moving gives her the cover to claim "well he left me so I am free to have another relationship." You are CUTTING YOUR OWN THROAT by leaving BECAUSE IT ENABLES THE AFFAIR.

Secondly, your leaving is often viewed as ABANDONMENT by many courts if this comes to seperation.

So, you need to calm down and GO HOME and do what we told told you to do. CALMLY and QUIETLY begin snooping on her without her knowledge. Put a keylogger on her computer. Tap your phone, put a voice activated recorder in her car. Get those cell phone records and see who she is talking to.

GO HOME... Dont' make this situation worse by leaving.

Phone records do not an affair make. They will just tell you that she is talking alot to someone. You will need much more than phone records to prove an affair, but it is a start.

GO HOME!

Marriage counseling will be of absolutely NO USE if she is in an affair. MC is for recovery, and you cannot be in recovery until you find out what is really going on here. She is not open to recovery, she is not even open to being honest with you. So, I assure you that MC will avail you nothing.

What will benefit you is finding out what is really happening here. I strongly suspect it is an affair. If it is an affair, then we can help you save your marriage by ruining her affair. [you can ruin it via Plan A tactics such as exposure and working on attracting her back]

But she is not going to be interested in your marriage as long as she is in an affair. That is why it is important for you to dig out the truth. That is the KEY to saving your marriage. Because if you are armed with the truth, we can HELP YOU wreck her affair.

Once the affair is ruined and she goes through withdrawal, your marriage can recover. If you had a good marriage before all this, you can have a GREAT marriage in the future with a little hard work. An affair is most certainly not the end of the world.

Do you have any of the Harley books? You very much need to get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. That will help you see the big picture.

And most importantly, please CALM DOWN. I know this is terribly emotional, but your emotions are your worst enemy at this time. We need you to be calm, cool and collected so you can STRATEGICALLY work on saving your marriage. If your torn up emotions are driving the ship, you are bound to make STRATEGIC mistakes such as moving out and lovebusting.

GO HOME!!

How do I put a keylogger on the computer? I am going to go back home, even though she clearly does not want me there. I have been sabotaging everything because I keep trying to talk through this and say the wrong things. I am going to shut my mouth and be myself. Maybe she'll respond, maybe she won't. I can only pray for us and our family.

Good idea. You can go to actmon.com and download the home edition. Install it in the invisible mode and you can even set it up to email the reports to another email address. If you have a virus scanner or a spyware scanner, run it and make sure it doesn't pick it up. If it does, program your anti-virus to IGNORE it. I can help you set this up if you email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

Secondly, if you think she is talking to someone on your home phone, go to Radio Shack and get a recorder for your phone. Also check into a voice activated recorder to put in her car.

i think there is a thread titled Spying 101 that details all these recorders. I will try and find it.

When you go home, I would suggest telling her that you are not going anywhere. Tell her that you love her and are there to work on your marriage. Go and SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED. If she tries to bait you into a fight, don't fall for it! Just be as pleasant as possible!

Are you CALM?

bg,
keep in mind that you posted your concern on an infidelity discussion board, so you are obviously not completely closed to the possibility that this may be the issue... most of us BS can read/hear the warning signs pretty loud and clear, so it is probably worth it to find out. I wish that I had done something back when my WW first showed signs of withdrawal.... because she was doing it before the A became PA... I didn't act until it was all well under way... and I may be too late to turn things around (but with help from Shaden, Mr. Wondering, and a host of other confidente's and supporters), we can get through...
SNOOP. We're here...
HeartSore

Thank you for the advice. I am certain that she is cheating. I found some messages in her work e-mail. I have also put the keylogger on, but was not able to do it before she used the computer this morning. She is communicating with him through a yahoo mail account, and I'm sure by text message on her phone.

How do I proceed? I'm still gonna gather more proof, but know it is true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

bgtg... one important thing to remember is to never make decisions when your emotions are high. This will be the time that you will want to run, want to hurt back, or want to beg her to stay. None of these things will make your life better. I know it is difficult, but important to keep calm and focus on a plan.

Right now, keep gathering the proof and do not be drawn into any arguments. Keep calm and positive. Do not discuss divorce, separation, or the possibility of an A until others give some advice here... just focus on the fact that you are committed to saving and protecting your M. It won't feel like it in the short term, but the long range forecast can be sunny. And believe me, the help you get on here is much better than any weatherman gives.

When you have the proof, someone with more experience will help you along with exposure. I'll stick around to help when I can. This is the weekend and can be a little slower than during the week. Try not to be discouraged.

Melody is excellent with the exposure angle and cutting through the WS fog. She coached me through several steps to recovery. Trust the help you are getting, especially if it is coming from multiple sources.

Patience,

Shaden

The other thing you can do right now is to become an expert on A's and your W's needs. Read, Read, Read. Know what the signs are, what the causes are, and possible outcomes. Find out why it is important to know your W's needs and discover what yours are. When I started this process, I was surprised to discover what some of my needs are...I figured it was wrong or weak to need some things and tried to hide it.

Knowledge is power. You may be tempted to "share" all of this new knowledge with your W... DON'T. She will not be receptive and will say things like... I am different, or I am not a cookie-cutter from a book. She will be insulted that you are trying to label her. Everyone in an A believes they are different and it is right... they have to in order to have the A. This information is for yourself. Later, she will probably be receptive to listening. You can WOW her with your knowledge then.

Patience,

Shaden

Have you read the articles on this website?

QUIETLY gather your evidence and do not let on that you know anything. Do not accuse her or get angry. Do nothing yet. Try and find out who he is and where he lives.

Keep proof of all your evidence and hide it safely.

Then come here and tell us what you have. We will help you manage this.

And most of all, do not despair. Situations like yours can be turned around. There are no guarantees, but this is far from hopeless, my friend.

Spying 101 thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post2921026

Just came back in to see if I was correct in the fact that it sounded like your wife is in an affair....either EA or PA. I was right.....she sounded just like my EX. Anyhow, what really gets to me is when people say their spouse is spiritual and goes to church....so there is noway they could have an affair. I belonged to a church for 8yrs....and there were more people that claimed to be christian in the church having affairs than people I knew outside of church.

One thing a pastor told me awhile back........"SATAN GOES TO CHURCH TOO".

Not saying anything about your WW, but just because people claim they know the lord means nada.

Good luck and keep your chin up. God Bless YOU!!!

bg,
Sorry that it turns out your wife's withdrawal was a sign of possible A. I think we are all becoming particularly sensitive to the warning signs now...
You are receiving good advice... and as needed, you will get good support from your friends here at MB. Good luck, you aren't alone!
HeartSore

I confronted her yesterday with what I knew, and she came clean. It has been a PA for a couple of months. I have not gotten upset, and told her that I am still here. She is very unwilling to work on us, and wants to be with him. I actually feel bad for her because she has become somebody that she never expected she'd become. I will do the reading, for the sake of my family, but I don't see her changing her mind.

bgtg...I"m very sorry to hear this news. This is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and I believe you are right, to a certain extent, in feeling bad for her... I now feel that a WS hurts themselves more (differently) than they hurt the BS.

Now you know what you are dealing with and this gives you a chance.

You will get advice today on how to expose... that will be your first step to slaying the A and keeping your family intact. While waiting to do this, DO NOT give any information about this to your W. I told my W and her Mom warned OM before I could speak to OMW. This gives them a chance to fix their own stories.

Her unwilling at this point is normal. It will take time for her to come out of withdrawal, but the first step will be to break up the A.

Keep reading. It helps to know what you are dealing with and how it is possible for your W to do this. Know that it is possible for you to forgive... but don't forgive too soon. I tried forgiving right away, but it is called false forgiveness... only trying to win her back and put everything back in place quickly... but without the needed steps of processing all your feelings first.

It is great that you are still there. Your W can eventually see you are the champion here... and the one who saved her from self destruction. Keep up the good work.

Patience,

Shaden

ok, are you ready to get to work and help her change her mind and save your marriage? You have some affair busting to do!

Oh yes, I am ready. I am feeling very lost and saddened. She knows how much I love her and of my desire to work on us. I need some serious advice on how to proceed. I have also been reading the information on this site regarding dealing with infidelity. It helps me, but my wife isn't to open to looking at it.

I think I made a mistake by contacting him by e-mail and telling him that I know about him, and how I feel about him. I also told him that if he has any sense of decency, he will let her go. I know that is a pipe dream, but that fantasy keeps me going. Pleeeeasssseeee HELP!!!

Since you know who the OM is you'll want to start with EXPOSING the affair. If the OM is married, you NEED TO CONTACT the OMW immediately and get her on-board! Expose at work (it won't be pretty!) and to mutual friends that have experienced the two of you during good times (that can support you both now and during recovery). I wish I had taken this drastic action right away when I learned of the affair in May, instead I waited dooped, thinking the affair was over when really it was still prospering in secrecy at work... now I just exposed a week ago! I don't know if you might want to take a look at the thread... it's pretty active. I've gotten some great advice, some from the same folks advising you. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I do know that it is empowering to have a plan! You might want to get on anti-depressants right away... they will help you stay focused and resolute with what you want to do moving forward.

I'm sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances, but you will learn, as I've learned, you are not alone.
Heartsore

bg...I made a similar mistake of contacting OM. It still turned out well for me. This is not the end. Now is time to stick to a plan.

She won't want to read anything right now. It is rare for the WS to suddenly have an epiphany and realize what they are doing wrong and run back to the BS. This sometimes happens when the A has run its course on its own... but generally not in full swing.

I'm sure that Mel will help you through exposure... this is the next step. Is OM married? Do you know who and where he is... besides the email address? Make a private list of anyone who could have an effect on the A if they knew... eg. work, family, friends, OM's family and work, etc.. Wait for advice from Mel or others.

Just remember... your W is in a serious fog. Everything that is obvious to you is not to her. Reminding her of your love and of your past has no effect right now. Only loving, courageous actions as a Husband and for your Marriage will have any effect. And this will take time.

You must realize that this process is not for the "faint of heart". It is a tough road ahead. You will be tested and tried, your emotions will take a beating... but if you can envision the goal... whatever the outcome, you will have become a stronger, better person for it. You can come out ahead in all scenarios.

Patience,

Shaden