bgtg1,
It sounds like you may be protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions.... I did the same thing for several months, then I realized what I was doing was enabling her affair. Exposure is intended to strip the innocence... it is intended to shine a bright light on what's happening. It works because it impacts loved ones. What might Mom say to WW? Whatever it is it probably won't be encouraging towards the OM. Others can chime in, but my instinct is to expose swiftly and decisively. To send a an email to her work (his supervisors, her supervisors) you may consider the form I used in my thread... I just did this last week. Good luck. I'm told that this is the first step towards ending the affair....
HS

I am going to expose it to her work (direct manager and HR). Many of her family members already know. The only person who doesn't is her father. My hope is that the exposure at work, and with her other family members knowing, that this thing will die a quick death. I don't really want her to have to face the agony of her father (and run the risk of this destroying their relationship). I will consider it.

If you talk to the Father and say, "I'm sure you've already heard, but ..." as if you assumed he already knew, because you WW said she was calling the parents, etc... you naturally believed her. These types of things will eventually come out anyway... I think it is better to do it all at once... that way if your wife gets upset you can say, you won't do it anymore... (but it will already be done)...

Remember the mantra, "I will do whatever I can to save this marriage"

Heartsore

Do not be surprised if the parents (WW father) backs their daughter. They probably will NOT like what she is doing, but will probably say "We just want our daughter to be happy".

I am waiting for an e-mail reply of from MELODYLANE (since I am under the impression that he/she is the master of this). I am ready to call her boss (finger is on redial).

How exactly did you expose it? What sorts of things did you say when you told the bosses? I want to make sure that they are willing to listen. I don't know which thread you are speaking of (title?). How did your wife respond when you told her that you had exposed it?

"Heartsore's Story:" it's under General Questions II (same as this one)...

Something like....

"I'm recently become aware of an affair at ___________ between ____________(OM) and my wife ____________(WW). My understanding is that the affair started around _________ and has been ongoing since. This concerns me because I love my wife and will do anything I can to save our marriage. Any support you can provide will be greatly appreciated, of course it would be ideal if he ________(OM) had no contact with my wife again, so that we can save our marriage."

bg, I am at work and can't access my home email from here. If you want to post your email real quick here I can email you from work and then you can go back and edit out your email address. Otherwise, I will be back home in a few hours.

You're not going to believe this, but I called her work and spoke with her boss. I followed the format that you stated above. He told me that it was inappropriate of me to call him, and that it was none of his business. I'm now exploring other options.

ok, he wants to cover for her, so here is what you do. Write up a letter saying the things I told you. Address it to the head of Human Resources and the director of the hospital and CC her boss and his boss. Take it down to the post office and send it registered mail. Her boss is trying to sweep this under the rug. It may very well be that they do nothing about it, but he will not be able to cover for her if others are officially brought into this.

Secondly, you really need to expose to her father. He probably has a huge impact on her and you need his help.

Post deleted by bgtg1

Got it!

Her father has been made aware, and was not happy at all. I think that they will be staying out of it though. I don't know if they will be contacting her or not. I've got a phone number for somebody who I suspect is his father. I am calling it and doing some checking to see if he is, and then drop the bomb on him. Exposing this is proving to be as hard as finding out who he was.

You're doing great, bg.

It's not always like the doors are swung wide open and the cavalry rushing in.

Her parents may not specifically get involved but unless they are actively telling her to leave you, then it can still be helpful. The light of day on the A is what's needed. She will feel uncomfortable and shameful around her parents, now. Something that is very unwelcome. At first, she will want to blame you, but eventually it will sink in. Keep exposing.

Shaden

If you haven't looked at Heartsore's thread, do so. Earlier on there was some advice and thoughts from Brit/Brat and Mr. W on exposing at work. You can add this to the help Mel is giving.

Shaden

Do I tell her that I know who he is?

bg, please follow Shaden's advice and peek in on Heartsore's thread. You can get alot of good tips over there.

Ok everybody. Major setback. Melody, my wife somehow found out (by an email) that I was going to be using the information. She asked what my intentions were. I told her that I have never lied to her, and that I was trying to end her A. She got upset and told me that no matter what happens with her A, our marriage is over. I told her "NO". I also told her that I will not entertain divorce. I really need help here (QUICKLY) on how to proceed. We are supposed to be talking when I get home (in the next 30 minutes or so). WHAT DO I DO?????

First of all...you engage in conversation when YOU say so and are prepared...not at her directive. Stop letting her man the wheel..she is trying to steer your marriage into a tree.

You tell her that you are not willing to have a marriage/relationship discussion at this time [it will drive her NUTS but stand your ground even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom maybe pick up some magazines/books to read in case of temporary captivity?]

You tell her that just as you have no ability to control her actions..she has none to control yours...and you will continue to make marriage recovery your goal whether she agrees or not by any means you choose.

Ditto divorce..you can simply say [with no apology and no explanation that divorce is not something you are willing to discuss. Leave it at that.

The less discussion the better...less is more...repeat..less is more. Do NOT allow yourself to be drawn in.

I am thinking that with her getting so upset, it will make for a messy divorce, which we both said would not happen. I know I'm supposed to stay positive, but I'm almost thinking I should cut my losses while I'm ahead. I don't want this to affect my custody of our children and loss of my retirement, etc...