bgtg1,
You are overlooking the most important aspect of exposure... it has to come from you. Asking others to spread the word isn't the point. YOU NEED TO spread the word, while at the same time telling these folks that you love your wife and will do anything you can to save this marriage AND YOU MAY NEED their prayers, love, and support to do so. This way you are not "ratting on her", but reaching out for support. Your WW won't see it this way (mine certainly didn't), but if your response to your wife is "I will do anything I can to save this marriage", then your message to others must reflect this.
HS

PERFECT!! You got it. That is exactly what you should say. And then ask them: "WHAT DO YOU INTEND ON DOING ABOUT THIS OR DO I NEED TO TAKE THIS FURTHER?"

Address it to the Director of Human Resources and the CEO and cc both their bosses. That way it can't go into file 13.

I am sorry to hear about her mother's reaction. It is shocking to find out how very little some parents care about their own children, but it is not uncommon. We have even had parents who care so little about their children they said insane things like: "I just want Sally to be happy!" Thank goodness Sally wasn't a serial killer, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

CANCEL IT TODAY!! If she wants to whor* around, he can pay for it. You should not finance her sleazy affair with FAMILY MONEY! Don't tell her to use a landline to speak to OM, tell her to STOP her affair!

Unfortunately, he is quite wrong about this. They are not separate matters at all and your W should be exposed at work since this is a workplace affair. Your W very much IS involved in that already. She involved herself. So, don't let that stop you. He is simply wrong.

Heartsore, you are a quick study, friend, and I greatly appreciate your taking the time to come over here and help him while you are going through he11 yourself. Thank you very much for that!

I am really running into a bunch of roadblocks here, and am getting down. I need some help big time. If her work is totally unwilling to help, and it does no good to have it circulated through her circle of friends, how can I get it out. I am having significant difficulty finding his ex-girlfriend. I am still looking for his parents.

Also, I am very concerned that my wife now knows this thread because she intercepted an e-mail which identified my login name. I really need this to be on a private thread. MELODY, can you please help me with this?

bgtg, I have already given you my email address. All you have to do is email me at the first email I gave you and I will send you instructions on how to take this private. But that is not going to work too well if she reads your emails.

Also, you don't know if her work is unwilling to help, you haven't notified HR yet. You have just been blown off by her boss who was probably trying to cover for her. But even if they don't do something about it, it still creates great conflict in the affair by having management on alert about the affair.

Melody,
Thanks. I will have my sister-in-law e-mail you for the instructions. She can then relay the information to me. I am having a rough day. I drafted the letters to the CEO and HR director and will be mailing them this evening. I'm still trying to settle into this process and am still working on patience.

My wife insisted again today that she wanted a divorce. I told her that I wouldn't. She told me that the OM has told her multiple times that if she wanted out he'd let her (what a weak, spineless jerk). He makes me want to vomit. Would be nice if I could find his ex or family, but having lots of trouble. I have used multiple people search functions, and am going to pay the money to have the family search done on him.

Guess I'm needing some words of encouragement from people. This is going to be a long bumpy road. I don't know how you all are able to handle multiple months of this. It's been 1 month for me (less than a week since I discover the A), and I'm practically losing my mind. Please help!

bgtg, you are doing just fine. Just think how far you have come in a week! At least you know what you are dealing with now. Good job on getting those letters out to the hospital. They won't be able to ignore you if this is a Catholic hospital.

This is not going to be an easy thing to resolve, bg, I won't lie to you, however, you must not despair. I am not being overly optimistic when I tell you that your case is very hopeful. Almost ALL waywards threaten divorce. It means very little and you can't let it alarm you. You are well armed and well equippd to save this marriage, so just brace yourself and get ready for a battle.

Keep your focus RIGHT HERE:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

bgtg... you are so right that it is hard. This will be the fight of your life. No one would blame you if you just let her go and went on with your life. But, if you do that, you will still have to face the hurt, the torture, the changes, the losses. Nothing will be easier going that route.

What I can tell you is this...

There is hope.

There is also an amazing amount of growth you will do personally through this. You would not believe how raw your life will become and how you can come out a stronger person through it.

I remember back to those days where you are at and every moment seemed like an eternity. You are probably feeling anxious and depressed. I must have clicked on the send/receive button 100 times every hour during those days at work to see if my W had sent me an email. (It's no wonder I am not working there anymore).

You might read that it takes weeks or months for withdrawal to be over... and a couple of years on average for recovery. You wonder how you can survive when every minute is torture. I'm about 15 months in and many days I look back now and wonder where the time went. It does get easier. It will get better.

Keep reading. Do some exercise. Alphabetize your CD's. Learn how to patch the holes in your socks. Whatever you can do to take your mind off of it for short periods of time.

You are doing the right thing with exposure. It isn't easy and you will hit roadblocks. Be courageous and strong... don't let any walls stop you. You are fighting for your family... the most important thing in your life. And you are fighting for your own integrity.

There are so many stories on here of hope. I am well on my way to recovery when I thought all was lost... several times. I am excited about the future. You will be too.

Patience.

Shaden

Thank you to both of you. It helped me to calm down.

My WW just told my best friend that she is taking steps toward divorce. I think that she is blowing smoke, but am trying to plan accordingly. She also told him that she hasn't loved me for a year, which is exactly twice as long as she previously stated.

I had her cell phone shut off, but she will have it reactivated by the end of the night. I also told her that I wanted her to transfer money from her vacation savings account to our checking account to cover the cost of the bill, and that I am not willing to pay towards a phone bill that is caused by the A. She didn't like it, and I gaurantee that I will have to tell her again. I have always considered that money to be her's because I never try to access it. Guess it is now mine also. I know that I need to set up my own accounts by pulling money out of our joint accounts, but my concern is that most of our bills are direct withdrawal. I'm trying to just monitor things more closely to make sure things don't get crazy. She has increased her spending, which concerns me, but it is not overly alarming. Probably better to be safe than sorry.

I suspect the next several days are going to be very difficult with the increased exposure. I am hiring a PI tomorrow to investigate criminal history (on him) and find ex's and family members. She is saying that her boss is threatening to call my superiors. My job is such that I have access to all the information I would need to investigate him. She thinks I have abused that, which I have told her that I have not used it at all. There are other steps I am taking as well.

Her father said that he thought that going to her work was out of line. I have come to the realization that I have to do what I have to do to save the marriage. Doesn't make me feel better, but I have done nothing wrong.
I'm calm now, but tomorrow may be a different story. Don't be surprised if I come crawling back again for support.

Thanks again. Any further suggestions?

You are doing just fine and I am very relieved you cancelled the phone and have hired a P.I. That will help enormously.

I DO NOT believe that her boss said that he would call your boss. That sounds like typical WS fogbabble. What is his complaint wiht you? That you TOLD HIM THE TRUTH ABOUT HER AFFAIR? How silly would that sound:

"Hello bgtgboss, I have to report to you that bgtg called me up and told me his wife is having an affair!!!!"

bgtgboss: "is it true??"

WSboss: uhhhhhhhhhhhh yes

What in the world would be the point? hehehe That is just silliness designed to spook you into stopping your interference into her affair.


CLASSIC, TEXTBOOK case of affair rationalization. They rewrite history with them starring as the heroine of a loveless marriage that they endured for years on end. Very common. You know its not true and so do they. Even if it was, it is not justification to have an affair.

You might want to move to protect your finances now and get the bulk of your money moved. If you have any savings or equity lines of credit she could plunder, i would get them protected.

The next big thing you can do is expose the OM. That will really shake him up badly. Hopefully, you mentioned him by name in the letter you sent to HR. After you have exposed him to his gf, his parents and anyone else you can find, we will talk about paying him a little visit. But that is for a future discussion and may not even be neccesary.



Whyever in the world should you apologize for investigating him?? That is your obligation when your family is under assault from this [censored]. You have every right in the world to investigate a scumbag who is trying to destroy your family.


We expect it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Come back early and come back often. You will have good days and bad days. We have all been there and are here to help you just as others helped us when we arrived. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are doing well. Like I said earlier, this is hard. The ups and downs are enough to send you to a straightjacket at times... but you will see in the end how worth it it is.

Do you have a close friend to talk to that you can trust? You need to take care of yourself as well. You need to vent all your pent up emotions. Fighting the A leaves little room to look after you.

Be confident with what you are doing... not needy and clingy. Her father saying you are out of line... no, his daughter is out of line. You must try to not be desperate and needy because your motives and actions need to be from strength. You are your family's champion.

The Catholic Hospital is going to call your superiors... no kidding". It is bad enough that they will allow their behavior to go on unthwarted in their halls... but to condone and assist it... This might be your W trying to stop you... but if the hospital does, I would be sending letters to all their superiors in the Catholic Church. I guess the church only has 9 commandments now. Or maybe they are changing their beliefs due to the DaVinci Code.

Get a good sleep. I also remember back to those days when 2 hours of sleep was a good night for me.

Take care.

Shaden

By the way... your W telling your best friend that she hasn't loved you for a year... all fogbabble.

There may be times over the past year that she didn't like you, or times she felt all kinds of emotions... but all of this is just the fog.

I heard... that my W never really loved me. We got married too young and it was a mistake. She had loved OM for years. She was not attracted to me. She thought I was boring and controlling and so on... oh, wait a minute, it was the MC who said I was boring... my W didn't like her saying that...

She is here with me and loves me. She is very happy I stood by her and protected our family.

Dr. Harley said something on the radio last week I thought was very interesting. He told this betrayed husband caller to "make as much trouble as possible for the OM." Expose him, call him, get a restraining order against him." Make it SOO unpleasant to carry on with your wife that he will abandon the affair.

See, he is a man of low character to begin with, so you can expect him to probably be a coward. Steve Harley has told members here to go meet the OM face to face and ask them what their intentions were with their wife. That scares the beejezuz right out of them. So, when you get that information from the P.I., lets strategize on the best way to make life a living he11 for that scumbag. Tell him he11 is coming! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Shaden, that was just an AWESOME POST!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shaden, it would actually be less than NINE:

Though must not commit adultery

Though must not covet another man's wife

You shall not bear false witness (lie)

Heartsore

Thank you all.

Last night when I got home, my wife wanted to talk about things after we got the kids into bed. I told her that I would talk to her about other things, but not about our problems or divorce. She didn't like this because her parents are coming this weekend and it was the only night she'd have to talk with me.

So, we started talking and she suddenly came at me hard pushing for a divorce. I continually told her no and had to lock myself in the bathroom. She pursued but eventually walked to the garage. I went to the garage to say goodnight and make sure she wasn't peeping around. She started again and wanted to argue her point. I stood and listened, trying to let everything bounce off. I then said I wasn't going to argue. She said that she knew exactly how she felt and that she knew the OM (because they had talked a few times).

Our son came downstairs crying because he wanted to talk to us. He was worried about a divorce. My WW gave him her same canned answer (love you no matter what, it's not your fault), but this time with a twist. This time she insenuated that we were getting divorced. This bothered me and I told her that he was not worried about our love for him, but was worried about the security of our family togetherness. I told him we were working on things. She didn't like this. Also, his sadness appeared to have no effect on her selfish need. We calmed him down and he went to bed.

I told her that what she had said was wrong. She brought up a past time when I had told my kids that Mom didn't know if she loved me anymore and was considering a divorce. This made her look like a bad guy (this was not intended), but I had given that same canned answer for 3 weeks. She again said it was over.

I told her that I had seen him. She thought I was having him followed. I told her I wasn't, but that I wanted to see what he looked like. She asked me to describe him, which I did. I told her she could do much better (because she's so beautiful), and said "wait a second, you did" by pointing to myself. I told her that "I may not be 6'2 210, but I am 11' tall with love, 11' tall with passion, 11' tall with desire, and 11' tall with fight". I then told her I am an honorable man, which he is not, and said that no honorable man or woman goes after a somebody who is married. Even if they are the most beautiful in the world. She got upset and walked away. I think 2 things happened. She took it personally, to refer to her, and she recognized that even in her mind I spoke the truth.

I hope I didn't go to far. Felt good to say it though. She told me that she knew that she was dishonorable. I told her that he was as well. I asked her if 3 months ago she would have considered his actions honorable. She sat silent. I had my answer. I kissed her on the forehead and headed towards my new bedroom. On my way out she again said that it was all her and that he kept telling her she could get out of the A.

This guy is such a low-life SCUMBAG. He appears to be sensitive (by saying she can leave), but then does things to keep her from wanting to go. I wish she could see his manipulation.

Based upon what I saw, I think she might try serving papers. Suggestions if this happens? I have already contacted an attorney. We did both agree that if this came to divorce, we would keep proceedings clean for the kids sake. I know this could be a manipulation on her part, but could be real too.

One thing I am struggling with in the Carrot of Plan A is filling her emotional needs. She wants quality time and touch, but won't let me do either of them. We are like to combatants locked in a war (although a relatively calm one), and it has been next to impossible for me to focus on those needs. Can anybody offer any help on this?

Melody, can you e-mail those instructions for the private forum to. I know my wife is reading this forum because of things she has said.

BG,

Have you read through BPs threads yet?

Good stuff there.

You did really...REALLY well...I would have to rake through your reactions with a fine tooth comb to find anything to criticize or recommend you change and it sounds like plenty of what you said and did hit the nail right on the head.

One possible suggestion I would make is that in the future you make SURE that the children know what YOUR position is on divorce..let her carry the bad guy bag all by herself. Make sure that they know that YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. If she doesn't want to look like the bad guy..advise her to take off the bad guy costume and stop reading from the badguy script.

I am especially pleased that you enforced a boundary by locking yourself in the bathroom until she accepted that you meant no when you said no.

Most people in affair will not allow the spouse to fill ENs...so you do what you can and you drop the rope.

Really impressive work, especially considering your timeframe.

Noodle,
Thank you. I am really struggling with the emotions of it all though. I just want to look at her and use the old line that Cher used in Moonstruck; "Snap out of it!".
What techniques do people use to deal with the stress and emotions? I try not to sit at home and dwell on things. It's hard for me to focus at work (which makes my job very dangerous), so I take time off. I don't think this helps, because there is then nothing else to keep my mind occupied.

bgtg, I did read your last post and responded. I think you did wonderful in your response to her last night. I would only caution you about agreeing to be "amicable" for the children. This is a ploy a wayward will use to avoid the consequences and keep you from complaining while she screws you over. They want you to be "nice" to them "for them children" while they destroy you. HAVE NO PART OF THAT. Make sure she understands that you are not her "friend" and this will not be a "friendly" divorce, if there is one. You will not cooperate or make it easy. It is very important that she understand that you will not make it easy and you will not be "nice for the children."

What I did to calm myself down was throw myself into exercise. It gave me great peace for that one hour and helped stabilize my emotions. Others take AD's.

You are doing JUST GREAT!!

What is the title of the thread? I can't find it.