bgtg, it is real important that you understand something about all this. And that is this: your marriage can survive some temporary anger over exposure/interference, but it can't survive an affair.

The steps that you have taken have created great conflict in her affair. That is what you are supposed to do. She was already pushed away from you: she is having an affair. She is supposed to be angry when you interfere with her affair. When you interfere in her affair, she will not like it, but doing so gives you the very best opportunity to save your marriage.

And no, you might not be able to end her affair, but you can most certainly make it so uncomfortable by exposing it that it hastens it death. Affairs thrive on secrecy and you have inflicted a huge blow to her affair. I would not stop doing everything you can to harm the affair. Most especially, making life very miserable for the OM. He is likely a low man who would dump your wife at the first sign of trouble so keep that in mind.


You did exactly the right thing here. She needs to know that she can't easily disrupt the kids' lives over her affair.

I am starting to prepare to possibly move to Plan B. I still have one more step in exposure, but don't know how that will play out.

My thought is that Plan B will force my WW to realize the impact that being on her own will have. She will no longer have my financial support or emotional support. Unfortunately, my children will be affected by going back and forth between mom and dad. I'd really prefer to not have to put them through this. Not to mention, I think this is exactly what my WW wants.

Life in our house so incredibly tense right now, that it is nearly unbearable. I am going to try to keep her from talking to me about things and hope that she doesn't serve papers on me. I'm hoping that I am able to buy enough time for this affair to die out (hopefully soon).

We are less than a week into exposure. I know it is unrealistic to expect that the affair will die a quick death (meaning soon). How long will it be this tense? Is it too early to start thinking of Plan B? She is very convinced in her mind that she gets out of this horrible marriage that she is in.

If she is reading here, you are killing yourself by posting this stuff.

I would say that ..yes.. it is earlier than I would advise to go to plan B.

I suggest that you don't ride her wave if you can avoid doing so.

I suggest that getting in a really excellent plan A would greatly increase the impact of plan B especially if it comes without warning.

I would say that allowing exposure to begin to erode at the A *while* continuing to plan A ultimately works in favor of recovery.

Right now...everything that exposure should be accomplishing..is being accomplished.

From where I'm sitting you look pretty good.

Remember that your marriage recovery is measured in YEARS [if you can absorb that] not months or weeks and certainly not days.

I strongly advise you to *study* both plan A and plan B and create an actual workable scenario specific approach.

Is there any chance that you could call the Harleys for counsel regarding strategy?

Mel,

Tell you what, I will stop posting until I get on the private thread. I'll have my SIL set it up from her house.

Quick update. I am doing much better in my mind, although hurt. After complete exposure, nobody has attempted to have any kind of effect on my WW or OM. I can't really say that, my WW's sister attempted, but my WW just shut her out because she did not like the message. I have been fighting a losing battle because my WW has been completely unwilling to give any effort since the beginning.

So, she is moving out on Friday. She has filed for a divorce (and I am expecting the papers any day). She is so riddled with guilt that no matter what we talk about (if anything), she thinks that I am trying to make her feel guilty. We will be divorcing, because that it entirely what she wants.

She now apologizes to me about what she has done to me (and our family) and says that she would understand if I never wanted to talk to her again. She just does not get it! She has been so unwilling to put forth any effort because of this incredibly selfish need.

I have swung through the entire gambit of emotions. Now that she sees that I am tired of the treatment, and the fact that I told her that she stopped being my wife 2 months ago, she tries to reach out a little. Certainly not enough to give me the impression that she really cares about us. Her motive is for me to still be her friend. I've never given her the impression that it would be any other way, but I feel like the boyfriend that is getting thrown away and told "I still want to be friends".

Such destruction over something so meaningless. I am now focusing on me and the children. Going to be hard not seeing them everyday. I also told her that I am in love with the person that she used to be. Told her she was "beautiful on the outside and inside, but now she is beautiful on the outside but that the inside wasn't looking to good". I know that was a major LB, but she is done and I am trying to learn to move on. I have held in so much for so long, that it is hard to not let some of it out.

Thanks to all who have offered help.

bt, you really don't have to give up so easily. This is far from over, so there is no need to throw in the towel. Howevr, I would certainly let her know that you WILL NOT BE HER FRIEND! That is WS fogspeak designed to manipulate you into being "nice" to her while she destroys your family. Translation: don't complain or show me your hurt while I destroy you and my family so I don't have to face the consequences of my horrific actions."

Let her know you are not her "friend," but her HUSBAND. If she wants a "friend" tell her to call her girlfriends. Besides, why would you want a "friend" who lied to you and cheated on you? Wouldn't that be silly?

Also, I would not allow her to take your kids from their home. Try to maintain PRIMARY CUSTODY and have it in your papers that your kids are never to be exposed to her sleazy affair. This is how little children end up molested, so they should not be around Mr Sleazebag.

There is still hope here, why are you giving up so easily?

Mel,

Trust me, I have not given up. I have made absolutely certain that she is very aware of how hurt I am that she has totally abandoned my needs. Her guilt is so deep, that she actually tries to hug me (occasionally).

I have made absolutely certain that she is aware that I do not want this guy anywhere near my children. When I get the papers, I will be having my attorney cover all of the avenues with regard to that.

My plan is to ignore the ****** out of her if she calls me. I will be dropping our kids off with her in the morning so she can take them to the YMCA for before school programs (since we both have to be to work really early in the morning). I will not be speaking with her when I do it.

When she talks to her parents (or sister), or comes home from work, she is cold as ice. I have told her that this is the case, and she did not like it. She goes out of her way to try to be nice. I also told her how upset I was that she talks to the OM about what we talk about (I knew she was going to do this) to try to work her emotions and guilt. I told her that our conversations are personal, and he has no right to know what we talk about. Don't know if this affects her or not, but I am trying everything.

Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I am starting to come into stride on things, and am learning to work her emotions.

I would speak with her every chance you get. Do your best to be as attractive and as kind to her as you can. If you give her the cold shoulder, that will give her the justification she needs to leave you for the OM. If you are kind, and follow Plan A, you will confuse the heck out of her and neutralize her anger towards you. Stick to Plan A as best you can and look for any opportunity to meet her needs!

Hi bgtg,
Knowing that your WW seems to pass along everything you say to the OM, you may be missing an opportunity to make the OM nervous in his boots...

Mr. Wondering has given me a few suggestions of things to "mention in passing" to your WW, which will find their way back to OM.

Example,

"WW, I had a strange dream last night that I ran into the OM in the bathroom at the mall and I beat him unconscious and left him in one of the stalls, strange, huh?"

or

"WW, I dreamt that now that you and the OM were likely getting together, there was an opening in the OM's life for a mistress... I dreamt that he filled that position with _________, (and choose someone that would drive her nuts)."

or

"WW, I had a dream that the OM was stuffed in a trunk with a bag over his head and driven into the ___________(lake,river,reservoir)... isn't that strange?"

Even though you are presenting these as simple strange oddities, the OM will not hear these that way... these will be seen as absolute threats and will make him nervous as heck... Plus the OM KNOWS he deserves to get pummeled, so this just feeds into this. KWIM?

Heartsore

Mel and others who will offer input,

This is difficult because of my hurt and frustration. I am doing the best I can on this. I have noticed that she is making attempts to appease me. She hugs me in the morning before I go to work, and she now calls me while I am at work. I told her 2 days ago that she had totally abandoned my needs, and that she had stopped touching me or talking to me. I think that this is the reason for the change, and has more to do with the fact that she is trying to cement her place as my "friend".

I'm under the impression that Plan B would start approximately 2 weeks after she moves out. Am I right on this? Also, it seems that it might be hard to do it if in fact I do get divorce papers, and we end up divorced.

In speaking with people who have been through a divorce, I have 21 days from date of service to sign the papers. It then takes up to 30 more days for the divorce to be final if we are able to agree on terms. There are only a couple of points that may be minor issues for us, so I don't see it dragging out. Nor can either of us afford for it to drag out. I am willing to try to stall things (and spend a little more money) if it will help in achieving the goal of saving our marriage.

Any suggestions on conversation topics and ways to make myself more attractive? I have been working on myself physically (exercising, weight lifting, and trying to put back on some weight). Given the situation, it is very tough to converse other than talking about each others days and the kids. I will re-read that section of this website as well.

bg, Plan B starts when it is time to do Plan B. You are not there yet. Divorce papers have nothing to do with your strategy except that you take every step to protect yourself financially and protect your children. Get the meanest, junkyard dog attorney you can and LET HIM do the fighting while you are Mr. Sweetness and Light.

Make it clear to her that you are not interested in being her "friend" but only in being her HUSBAND. Tell her that you will not be her "friend" if they divorce. You would not have someone for a "friend" who lies and cheats. Let her know that YOU WILL NO COOPERATE IN ANY DIVORCE SCHEME. Drag your feet on every little thing and make it as hard as possible.

BE SURE and name the OM and the adultery in your response. If you can, have him called as a witness. Can you do alienation of affection lawsuits in your state?

Got that? That is real important so that she clearly understands that you will not sit by idly while she destroys your family for her sleazy affair. BUT...let her know that you will fight to save your family and will do what it takes to recover your marriage.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Have your children been told the truth about her affair?

Hi bg... glad you are still here for advice. As Mel says, this is not over.

I am curious as to what you mean by this...






Shaden

I have not told my children about the affair. I just can't get myself to do it.

I will put all of your other suggestions into action.

It seems like it will be really difficult to meet her emotional needs after she moves out. She is moving tomorrow, much to my disappointment. I have been trying to be the sweetest, nicest person in her life. I am trying to figure out ways that we can still have some family days, and use those opportunities to focus on her and trying to remind her of the importance of our family.

These concepts are really tough to put into action because I feel like I am somewhat stuck in a rut in trying to work on our marriage. She has been so stand offish that I really struggle when it comes to conversation and creating opportunities for quality time.

Are the kids staying there with you? Where is she moving to?

Do you have any more exposures to do? What was the result of that letter you sent?

What I mean by working her emotions is I am finding ways to get her to display any emotion at all. She has been so distant and disconnected that I have felt like I have been living alone. It really helped when we talked a couple of days ago, and she fully understood the level of my hurt. I don't mean that statement to sound like a manipulation, because it is NOT.

I am finally getting to the point to where I am just being myself. This has been an extremely traumatic situation for me, and has taken me a long time to start to settle in. I think that the AD's are helping as well.

I don't have any further exposures. My WW's family has pretty much decided to stick their heads in the sand. I am under the impression that his family has been in contact with him after my calls to them. I know that he has lied to my wife about what I supposedly said to his father. My WW accused me of saying things that I never said. I quickly put that to rest when I told her exactly what I had said and why.

Her work totally ignored the letters. Again, they were sent to the Director of HR, the CEO, and I called her boss. If they have done anything at her work, I am unaware of what it was. There don't seem to have been any restrictions placed on them.

She is moving about 2 miles away to an apartment. I will have the kids for the next 4 days, and they will be with her for the following 3 days.