Thanks for clarifying your statement... this makes more sense. My first reaction was that it was a manipulation... which doesn't serve anyone.

As her work is a religious hospital, there would be people above the CEO. I am familiar with a religious-based hospital where I am at... friends with the CEO... who is also a pastor.

It's possible the CEO is a businessman/woman who has the interest of the business and legality issues first. If you go to the church seniors they should also be concerned with morals and reputation and could have an influence here. I wouldn't stop at this point.

Being yourself is the best thing. And while being yourself, take this time to look deeply at what character traits need some work to make you a better self. Discover what fears may be limiting your life. IMPORTANT...This is for you... not for your Wife.

Patience,

Shaden

My biggest fears are losing my wife and not being able to see my children everyday. I still love my wife with all of my heart, and can't see my life without her. I am trying to find ways of showing this without appearing weak.

I know what you mean... I had this to the extreme... and still do a little. But things changed when I started to realize my W never really was mine to lose.

Maybe this is a figure of speech from you... but it also might be a key to a little piece of attitude and perception you have that could be changed.

This perception is normal... when we marry we assume we are making vows and "becoming one". Yes, I do believe in the biblical version of "becoming one"... but the biggest gift that God gave us (besides forgiveness) was free will. He could have made it that we are "married" to him and once taken a vow, we must stay with him. But, even though it hurts him greatly (I am assuming), he watches us daily forsake and betray him.
Our gift to him is to choose to be with him and become intimate with him.

Your marriage is two people with free will choosing to be together. You never owned her or had her, so you cannot lose her.

I still WANT to be married to my W and want her to love me... but I am getting rid of my fear of not being with her.

These are extremely fine points... glossed over by cliches and generalities. But I think it is an important issue to look at closely.

It is when we start to "Let Go" and give up these fears that we are able to move forward... with your family intact or in a new direction.



That one I understand completely... and would be a fear for any parent. I'm sure I don't have to say that there are no certainties in life. I think about those in the military gone for months at a time away from their familiy... I don't know how they do it.

Shaden

I have never looked at my wife as if she was property to lose. It just feels like a major part of me is being ripped from my body. It actually hurts!

You are very wise. I am more of a concrete thinker, so your concepts are sometimes hard for me to understand. But, I am reasonably intelligent and can figure them out.

I so look forward to seeing, talking, and touching her. Yet, that is the one thing that happens the least and causes me the most pain.

I can do this though.

Well, she moved out today. She did not want me at the house. It turns out that she did not want me there because he was helping her (I knew this was probably the case). She is so deep in fog!

She called the house 3 times to see if I was leaving. I told her that I thought that she would like to see the kids because she would not see them again until Monday. The OM ended up staying at her apartment and I helped to load the heavy stuff. That was really hard. I know that she felt really small. That was not my intention, but I can't do anything about her guilt. It's best he did not come to my house, because it would have probably gotten ugly.

Anyway, she says that she is still moving forward with the divorce. There are a couple of points that I am going to fight for (mainly the kids not being exposed to him for a minimum of 9 months). I will be playing things by ear, and just learn to be a friend to her, and be strong for the kids. The next few days, weeks, and perhaps months will probably continue to be a roller coaster and very difficult.

Any of that killer advice from anybody?

Stick to Plan A and stay the course. And remember that you are NOT HER FRIEND. You are her HUSBAND. She only wants you to be her "friend" so you will not complain while she screws you over, ok?

So, make it clear to her that you are not her "friend" and that you will NOT EVER cooperate in any divorce action. It is not in the best of your children for you to COOPERATE in the destruction of their family. See what I mean? Let her know that you will fight for their family. YOU ARE NOT HER "FRIEND!" You are her HUSBAND.

You don't mean the OM came to YOUR HOUSE, do you?

I told her last night that I did not want to be her friend, but wanted to be her husband. As far as the divorce goes, I could care less about our stuff. I will be fighting for the protection of our children. I don't want this scuzzball anywhere near them, and know that she will not hesitate to do just that (even though she says otherwise).

No, he did not come to my house. I stayed there with our friends, who agreed to help her move, until she got there. Our friends said that if they had known that OM was going to help, they would have never agreed to help. She would have brought him to our house if I hadn't been there. I guarantee that it would have been ugly if he had shown up.

Mel, you know what I do for a living, and this guy would have been a fool to show up. He may be an idiot, but he is not that stupid.

whew! Thanks for clearing that up! I couldn't imagine you would tolerate that and was hoping I had misread.

Now you can look forward to the affair to start crumbling. Now that it is all out in the open she will start seeing him openly. REality will be ruinous to his affair, so consider this the beginning of the END. 97% of all affairs crumble for this very reason. So, you just have to stand by and present yourself as an attractive alternative when things crumble. When things start to crumble, the affair will start having trouble and they will start lovebusting each other. [they don't have benefit of MB]

It is going to be very difficult for some time to really want to give her the time of day. I know that I need to, but she has been such a horrific person for the last couple of months.

I will continue working on myself (physically and emotionally). This may sound bad, but it doesn't really bother too much that he was with her last night (I think, since he helped her move in). Maybe it's a defense mechanism, or maybe I am starting to lose my feelings for her. I don't know! There is certainly fog in my mind right now.

My son told me something that my WW told him. She told him that she wanted to buy another house in the subdivision where we live. There is no way in hades that she can afford it on her own. I think that she thinks she and OM are going to buy a house and live happily ever after. She is clearly in lala land.

Any suggestions for tips on how to present myself when in front of her given all of the hurt she has caused? I still love her, but don't much like her right now.

bg, just be as pleasant as possible. Don't be whiny or complaining or unattractive.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I looked for the book the other day, but could not find it. I found another one called "After the Affair". I don't really like it. It doesn't really talk about an affair in an unkind light. It only deals with helping the cheating spouse to make a decision to stay or to leave, and if they decide to stay, how to heal the marriage.

I will look for it and pick it up. I am actually feeling pretty good right now. Almost feel like there has been a lot of stress lifted off my shoulders now that she is out of the house. That could change in 5 minutes though.

I think what will be happening over the next weeks and months is that she will see that I am actually learning to move on. I think this will make me much more appealing to her since I will look stronger and be that person that she will think she can't have. Who knows, I may even decide that I will be happier without her. Right now, I'd like to have her back, but even that is getting weaker.

Also, how many husbands would actually help their wife move out after fighting for the marriage. I could see it if I wanted her gone. If that were the case, she would have been out on her ear a long time ago.

I smashed my right ring finger loading a 36" tube television for her. She really should see the sacrifices that I make for her. Some people are just so unappreciative! (smiling emoticon goes here)

It really is a good idea to help her move, believe it or not! It leaves a good taste in her mouth rather than giving her a new grievance against you! Instead, she will remember that you did something nice for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you can't find that book in the bookstore, go online here and order it. They sell them pretty cheap and they have fast, cheap shipping.

I know what you are saying about the good taste in her mouth. She looked extremely sad when she was leaving the house. I think she expected me to hug her or something. Although, I have to admit that she is nearly impossible to read anymore. She did say that she would call me and thanked me.

She called my cell phone, while it was turned off, and left a message saying that she called to say good morning to the kids (of course she didn't want to talk to me). She wanted them to call her back. They called and she didn't answer. This is VERY unlike her. She keeps her cell phone on her like it is a vital organ. At least she did while she lived in our house. I know this was because she felt like she had to protect it.

In an earlier post I said give me 5 minutes and my emotions could change. I actually made it a couple of hours (much to my surprise) before the thought of her being with OM, while we tried to call, came into my mind. It really DOES make me angry to think that this man is touching MY wife. I know that she is not property, but I think that this would bother any loving (and sane) husband. I haven't really had a sincere touch from her in a couple of months, and I really want that back. I have to learn to fight these feelings back, otherwise it will make me crazy.

I just began reading SAA, and it is an excellent read. Unfortunately it leaves me with both hope and despair. My WW is involved is in the worst type of affair. OUCH!!!

I just stopped by my house, and she had completely emptied all of her stuff. Feels like a cave now. Not that there was a lot of love in it in the last couple of months, but feels even worse now.

I still have a couple of previously unanswered questions.

-How am I to provide myself as a "carrot" in Plan A when I rarely see or speak with her? When I do speak her, I am very respectful and polite. I'll see her in the morning and will try to appear strong.

-It has been suggested that I try to make OM's life uncomfortable. How can I do that? My occupation makes it very difficult to do without coming under fire by OM or my WW complaining. I'm open for suggestions.

bg, you simply make yourself as attractive as possible when you do see her.

Some ways of making life uncomfortable for the OM would be to use any opportunity to expose him, ie: his parents, siblings, pastor, workplace, etc. Make sure that EVERYONE knows he ia screwing a married woman and is complicit in destroying a family.

It is also a good idea to pay him a visit and ask him what his intentions are for your wife. Let him know that you will be fighting for your marriage and your children's family and that you fully intend on salvaging your marriage. The Harley's have recommended this in the past because a) it shakes up the scumbag and b) it forces the OP to put a face on the victim and see that you are a real live breathing man, and not satan incarnate.

A couple of new developments that I take as being encouraging. Maybe I am misreading 1 of them, and will ask what you all think.

I called my WW on the way home tonight to talk about logistics of kids coming to her place before school and to let the kids say goodnight. After talking with the kids and me asking about the rest of the week, she told me that she missed the kids very much. I told her that she should miss them, and that I will miss them when they are with her. I liked this because reality seems to be setting in with her a little bit.

Also, I told her that I am getting my own attorney (she assumed that we were going to use the same attorney). She told me previously that she had already put down a $2500 retainer on our credit card. I told her that we needed to figure out how she would pay me back for that retainer since I was getting my own attorney. She was clearly taken back. She asked why I was when we had already begun the separation of property and agreed that we would see the kids equally. I told her that I had my reasons.

She said that she would withdraw her attorney since I was going to be filing the papers. I told her that I wasn't filing the papers, and that I thought that she had already done that. She again said that she would call off her attorney and use mine. I took this to mean that she hasn't filed and was bluffing. Do you think I am reading the right? Why would she call off an attorney she has already paid?

Does this seem encouraging?

What did she pay the attorney for then? Also, she needs to pay that $2500 herself out of her own money. I would cancel those credit cards ASAP and get yourself protected financially. You did the right thing in telling her you won't be filing papers. I think she was bluffing about filing. They almost always do!

Also, I would not let her take any property from your children's home without a court order. Don't let her take anything else.

Mel,

I am taking her off of the credit card since I am the primary and she is authorized. If there is a chance of her being able to put herself back on, I will close it. Everything else has been done to protect myself financially. I told her that I would not pay for 1/2 of her's and all of mine and that she needed to pay me back.

I was asking the same question about the payment to the attorney. I will be checking with the credit card company to see if there was a charge.

Also, I figured out a way that I can work on this guy. I had already spoken with my bosses and they gave me approval to have it investigated by my peers at another department. I have an e-mail from him to my wife that indicates that he may be involved in illegal activity. I think I will forward a copy of it on to the director of HR at his work for their information. They sent me a letter stating that they would not get involved, but they might with this new information.

I'll take your advice on the taking additional items from the house. They will be staying with her an equal amount of time as they do with me. I don't think I have any grounds to keep them from her now (at least in a court's eyes).