HS,

I have felt the same way about not getting the d-papers. My wife told me about 3 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. I have counted myself lucky as well. The problem is that even though there have been things that she has done in the last couple of days that are encouraging, she is still deep in a fog. Also, I am concerned that the happenings of last night pushed her more towards the OM.

Hopefully I am wrong.

The light shines on an A and the affair usually shrivels like a raisin. Now that your older child knows, that is another light that will shine on the A, when you aren't there. Your WW will now feel immoral having the OM around him... she won't be comfortable. Therefore, she won't be meeting OM's needs... (you see how this works?)
HS

The light shines on an A and the affair usually shrivels like a raisin. Now that your older child knows, that is another light that will shine on the A, when you aren't there. Your WW will now feel immoral having the OM around him... she won't be comfortable. Therefore, she won't be meeting OM's needs... (you see how this works?)
HS [/quote]

HS,

I see what you are saying, but have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel regarding the ending of the A. She was so deep in fog yesterday, and clearly gave me the impression that she has no intention of ending it with him. I hope that it will help. Guess I have to give it time to see the changes. Hopefully she will still be willing to speak with me and be cordial. I will still continue with Plan A.

Sounds like you are having issues with family. Hope everything works out with that, but I agree that your focus needs to be on your M and children. Hang in there with your WW. I know you will be successful.

I don't know if you had noticed, but your W was already pushed towards the OM. SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM! Don't make me beat you, Texas style, for saying such foolishness!! Step away from the FOGHORN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know I would agree with her here. Children should not ever have to be introduced to the affair of a parent. It is sad that she did this. She should be reminded that it is she who had the affair, not you. Affairs and divorces are not good for children.

Orchid would probably tell you to respond with something like: "you are right, affairs are not good for children, are they?"

Mel,
You are hilarious! I have been thinking about what HS said, and I understand what he is saying about her feeling "immoral" about continuing the affair now that my son knows. I hope that this turns out to be true.

One thing I have noticed that she has been doing is to try to buy my kids affection and support. She has been making lots of promises to them about things that she is going to buy them. Right now she is buying them those cell phones that you can program 4 numbers into so they can call us if necessary. I don't necessarily have a problem with it, it just comes across as an attempt to try to motivate them to want to be with and support her.

When she called me to tell me, she was almost frigid and clearly did not want to talk with me. To be expected I guess. I will just give it time and see if she starts to come around a little bit. I just keep thinking of the end result (read that as recovery of our marriage) and that keeps me going.

Her sister (the only family member who supports me) called me today because she was thinking of me. I told her what I did, and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. I think she clearly understood my reasons. She and her parents to not talk about our marriage because they are too weak to face it (spineless I tell ya). They also don't like what my SIL has to say. Maybe they just don't want to admit that she is right.

I spoke with my WW tonight. I called her because my daughter said that my WW was having a house built. I had to confirm whether or not this was the case. I figured it wasn't (because she is 7 and has an active imagination). She said that she was not. She is still clearly in divorce mode, but was surprisingly pleasant. She is still really focusing on setting a schedule for our children.

Guess I will still keep at it with Plan A. We will be meeting some time (maybe this weekend) to talk about some things.

What will you be talking about?


Because of her TALK? Learn to treat her words the same as you would a FALLING DOWN DRUNK. Only go by her ACTIONS because her talk will change from day to day. You can't go by that. MOST waywards yak about divorce, very few ever follow through. She is only really in "divorce mode" when you get divorced. Otherwise, it is just empty talk.

Understood Mel. Give me one of your pithy 1 liners that will solve this problem and make my family's life much better. I know you have it in you.

Hey dere, I might be Texan, but I ain't MAGIC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What does she want to "talk" about this weekend? The reason I ask is that "talking" is usually a painfilled waste of time with a wayward. They use no reason or logic and can't be reasoned with. "Talks" usually consist of them trying to convince you of their foggy nonsense and get you to accept the unacceptable.

If you do "talk" it is much better to just sound like a broken record and say over and over:

1. I will not talk divorce, only recovery
2. I am not your "friend," I am your husband
3. I can't stop you from filing for divorce but don't expect me to go along because I won't make it easy

THEN, change the subject to the weather or your DD's pink tennis shoes.

We are going to talk about what days we will each have our children. We are also going to be talking about such mundane things as payment of utility bills for our house. She was still planning on paying them electronically while I was planning to have paper bills sent to me. I like the idea of me paying them, because honestly I don't know if I can trust her to get it done properly. Her financial mind has gone off to her little fantasy world.

I will not talk to her about divorce or any of the other items you mentioned. I hope to take advantage of the time to just spend conversing (if she will let that happen).

ok, good enough! Just be prepared for the foghorn! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel,
I think I'll use that one on my WW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

HS or anybody else who can answer.

What was your WS's behavior like prior to the ending of the A? Was he/she willing to talk to you at all? My wife talks to me, but it is very limited. She doesn't respond to emails or text messages (I've sent 2 emails and 1 text message in the last 3 days). These were sent mainly to attempt to keep some line of communication open. I don't really expect much, I just want to see if this seems to be normal.

Major love bank withdrawal from my love bank for her. I went by her apartment to pick up the kids. She openly flaunts her A in my face (so cruel). I told her that I had just found out about some major workplace obligations for this next week that are going to cause me to work long hours for 7 days straight. This put a major strain on plans that she had for next weekend (I think she and OM are going out of town together). She also told me about having plans to go out of town on another weekend. Again, I believe they are with OM. That was the first withdrawal (big one).

Second one was when she started in on me about talking with my son about her A. She insists that this is about me. You know what, it is about me, and her, and our kids. She said that all of the people that she talks to said that I should not have brought our son into this. I told her that she brought our family into this by having an A. I also told her that I did not care what other people say. She of course doesn't want to hear it and demonizes me. She told me that I have turned into somebody else. I told her that she is the one who is nothing like the person she used to be.

She also asked me for my attorney's name. I asked her why. She said that her attorney wanted to know. I again asked her why that mattered. She said that I could either be served the papers in person, by her attorney, or they could be served to my attorney. I told her that I wanted to be served in person. I also told her that I was not going to make the divorce easy. She asked me what I meant by that. I told her that I was not going to use the children as weapons, and that they deserved better than that. She said "fine, if you want a war I'll give you a war".

How can somebody so beautiful be so ugly?!!! I'm half tempted just to make the divorce easy once I am served, just stretch it out as long as I can.

I have been trying to Plan A as well as possible, being very nice and trying to be appealing, but she is so awful. I am so ready to move on to Plan B, if not for any other reason than self-protection.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is exactly why you do not discuss divorce at all. It's a major love buster conversation for BOTH parties. Besides, you don't want her to know a war is coming until the attack has been unleashed. If she files first you want it to be a nice "friendly" fair filing which you respond to with vigor. Forewarned in forearmed. If you don't smoothe tonight over a bit you're likely to get her playing hardball right off the bat. Consequences and speaking the truth is not bad marriage building but legally you mess things up by discussing divorce at all. (edited to add - like ML says below...you did good up until you started talking about divorce...divorce is a no win conversation)

Yes, if you get served you should make it as easy as possible on YOURSELF by working with and through your attorney only to strategize and take full advantage of your rights in the court system. Affairs end. You drag the divorce out as long as possible to hopefully expediate that end by causing stress and turmoil on the affairee's, to protect the children (cause the court will require her to keep OM away from kids), to give you opportunities to document and exploit your WW's foginess and actions in contradiction to the temporary court orders, and to delay the possible chance WW may marry OM and thus be allowed to introduce the children to them.

But by then you'll be in a quiet and peaceful Plan B. It already looks like you're no longer capable of Plan A'ing. What do you think? How is your love bank???. Think on it a night. Don't make an emotional decision.

Mr. Wondering

Where is the lovebuster?? I don't get it! I thought you did great, but dont understand what you think is a lovebuster.


nonononono, you do the opposite! You make it NOT easy by dragging it out. Get the MEANEST SOB you can hire and have him do all the fighting for you and drag it out. That way, he can be the BAD GUY.

And yes, your W is flaunting her affair in your face. I would let her know every time how hurtful it is to you and your kids that she flaunts her INAPPROPRIATE AFFAIR.

But I betcha she thinks affairs are APPROPRIATE as long as she "has feelings" for the OM, doesn't she? She feels like this just "happened to her" and her "feelings" justify acting like pig in heat, right?

bgtg,
What Mr. W is saying about divorce talk is SOOOOOOOOOOOO true. Whenever my wife raised (past tense) the topic I told her straight up, "There will be no divorce. I married you for life.... I am not open to even discussing the topic...."
My WW would press a bit and I'd just tell her, "You can do what you want, I can't force you to stay, but I will not partner in anything but reconciliation"

HS

Mel, Mr. Wondering, and HS,

Thank you for the information and support. I know that it is bad to talk divorce. I have always told her that I would not talk about divorce. I won't anymore.

The biggest problem with last night was that she was sooooooo horribly inconsiderate. This is the first time that she has been so cruel. I don't know if it is because they are already starting to come apart (she may be reacting because it is threatened) or if she is just so angry about me talking to our son. My daughter told me that she overheard my WW talking in her closet (she goes there when she wants it to be really private), and she kept saying that she only loved me as a friend. Possible that OM was pressing her. I don't know. Maybe just wishful thinking on my behalf. Either way, it was a major drain on my love bank. If this doesn't explain why, I won't be able to give any further explanation to help understand.

I am going to have to Plan A for the next week because of how screwy our schedules are going to be. My work schedule is awful this next week, so it will seriously affect my time with my kids. They will be with their mother more. The one good thing that is coming out of it is that she had to cancel plans with OM (I believe that's who they were with) for next weekend. I'm sure he is thinking that he is already having to sacrifice for our children.

After that, I think that I am definitely going to have to Plan B. My love bank is really low. I really don't care if I talk to my WW, and don't really care to see her. I am angry, but mostly hurt. I think if I keep Plan A'ing, it will reward her for her behavior and will drive me further away.

Thoughts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />?