Mel,

I don't feel like I did anything wrong in telling my son. I was asking the question in case it came up in court. I don't want it to be believed that I got this information from "a bunch of amateurs" online. I would like to have respected information to support my reasons for telling my son. Also, it wouldn't look like I did it to hurt my WW. Does this make sense? If I had to do it again, I would have done it sooner.

Interesting thing happened this morning when I dropped the kids off at my WW's apartment. We talked very politely and actually conversed (she started the conversation, and seemed interested in what was going on in my life). I reciprocated and was very interested in what is happening in her life. We did not talk about the A or our relationship.

When we were done, I said goodbye to my kids and my WW. She was standing next to my daughter. When I stood up and said goodbye, I touched my WW's left arm and told her to have a good day. She told me the same and I walked out of the apartment. When I got down the first flight of stairs, she came out of the apartment and said "hey". I turned around and walked back up the stairs. She then grabbed me and hugged me tightly. I, of course, hugged her back.

I was confused by her action. I try to pay attention to her actions and see if I can figure out what might be motivating them. It might have been because I told her yesterday that she really hadn't treated me well over the last 3 months. It might have been because she thought that it was something I wanted. It might have been because she wanted to do it, and she needed it. Maybe it was a little bit of all of them. In our prior contacts, there have been several situations where she looks at me sadly as uf she wanted me to do something. Maybe she has wanted me to give her hugs. I don't know. She is like trying to read a book that has no words. What are your thoughts on this?

Please help with previous question. Here is another oddity that I just found out about from my son. In this post (prior to editing) I talked about how my WW hugged me this morning. My son said that after I left this morning, and when my WW went back into her apartment, she asked him why I was so happy. He said that she was happy as well. I think that she is surprised that I am not acting miserable. Anyway, sounds like maybe she found that a bit appealing. You think I am reading this right???????

Good. Always receive her signs of affection, this is how you create a welcoming environment for her. And you tell her that those hugs are there for her any and EVERY time that she needs one... you tell her, "I will not turn my back on you AND I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, as I promised you and your family"..........


OR MAYBE YOUR PLAN A is working! Keep it up. You are sending her spinning... she's thinking, "how come I'm the one abandoning him and he's doing great and I"m miserable? This makes no sense? Maybe I should get back on the bgtg train before it leaves the station? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> " Probably not that drastic, but just stick to PLAN A. Interactions like the one you wrote about are the types that will put you in good standing with WW AND mess with the OM and cripple the A from thriving....... you did good!


It's a book that everyone on MB has read before a hundred times. It's called, MISTRESS IN THE FOG. It stars a WW leaving everything she knew to be real for the perfect MAN and discovering that some things (like Affairs) do better in the dark, cloudy, misty, fog.... when cast bright lights of day, the Affairs lose their splendor... at this point your WW is as much being stubborn probably as she is truly "happy" with OM... stay strong. Stay focused. Stay upbeat. That Lexapro is going to start to really work soon... it will give you an amazing strength at these times ......


YUP. Plan A. But your son said that she was happy too? As in happy to have seen you.... or as in happy in general? Big difference..........

Good luck.... HS

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Good. Always receive her signs of affection, this is how you create a welcoming environment for her. And you tell her that those hugs are there for her any and EVERY time that she needs one... you tell her, "I will not turn my back on you AND I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, as I promised you and your family"
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How did you deal with your wife not touching you? When she looks at me, it is the way she did when she wanted a hug and affection (this was before the A). Did you give her hugs and touch her hand, or did you wait for her to do it? I tend to wait until she does it. Do you think this is right or wrong?

I certainly hope that you are right about her starting to question why she is leaving "the bgtg train". Unfortunately, I don't really see that from her. During the times that she has the kids, she only text messages me. When she does, it is very business oriented (am I paying this bill, etc). When she has a question to ask me that she can't do by text, she has the kids call. Maybe her hearing my voice makes her weak kneed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really appreciate your insights HS. You are doing so well, and I am very impressed. I just hope and pray that the day will come when she wants to be with me again. When she wants to touch me. I still love her very much.

I was reading your thread, and thought to myself that I will not have any problem finding romantic love for her again. It has never really left me. I will probably have to continue to fight myself back so that I don't push too hard. Maybe that will change the longer this goes on.

Thanks again HS, and please keep reading and posting.

BG

BG

When you feel the desire and opportunity to hug her...just do it...with confidence. If she rebukes your hug, shrug it off with a simple "No worries..thought we had a moment there...not a problem...did I tell you about...". I know it's all awkward...kind of like a first date...but you've got to regain and retain your confidence (not cockiness). Step boldly forward and give her the affection...but if she's a WS in an active affair pay no particular attention to her reaction as it means nothing. If you are successful, you're meeting a need, injecting confusion into the WS's mind and if you ever go to Plan B...leaving her with one more thing to miss. If you fail...no worries, you don't really need the crumbs anyway.

The hugs and any affection are not for YOU. Don't look to WS to meet any of your needs. Shut your taker down. You're only goal is to bust up that affair however you can. Just spending time with her makes OM jealous.

I do get a slight feeling her filing divorce is a feeble attempt by her to get more commitment from OM. Very often when the affair begins to disintegrate they begin to take more drastic actions. When everything is hunky-dorry they can't find the time to go to the bank and pick up groceries on the same day. They are haphazard. For your WS to actually take the time and effort to go to an attorney and follow through with a plan MAY mean something is not so rosy in fantasyland.

BTW, if'n your wife reads this thread in the next few weeks I have a message for her. Mrs. BGTG1, you are an adulterer. If you do not end your affair, withdraw your divorce and recommit to your husband you will forever be lost. You can't escape your past...you WILL wake up one day and guess what THERE YOU WILL BE. Not only will you discover many many people like me that WILL judge you for what you've done...you WILL end up judging yourself, harshly. You can't run away from this. We here on MB offer you hope and redemption. If you're here anyway...why not post. There IS great love here for FWS's.

Mr. Wondering

Mr.W,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Also, thanks for taking the time to follow and keep up on my thread. I especially like the words for my WW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that you are right about the filing for the D. The papers were signed by her on the 9/21. She had been telling me for weeks that she had filed. You probably know more than I about this. I would think that she would sign at the time that she filed.

Either way, she does not want to spend time with me, that is clear. Your reasoning makes absolute sense.

I will take your advice about the hugging and touching. There is a fringe benefit in it though, I would actually like it as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

All I can say is that someday I hope to be as enlightened as you are.

YUP. Plan A. But your son said that she was happy too? As in happy to have seen you.... or as in happy in general? Big difference..........
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HS,
I realized that I forgot to answer this question. I would say that based upon her actions and the way we were speaking, she was glad to see me. My son said that she had a big smile on her face and seemed happy. I could be wrong on this, but I doubt it had anything to do with the OM. Why would she have hugged me?

I just picked up my kids from school. Man, I am soooooo happy to see them. I missed them so much. When we got home, I cut my son's hair. Boy did he need it. Looked like a dead cat on his head (he has reddish hair). Said that it was a mess from playing football at school. I asked him if his head was the football. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, they told me on the way home from school that they don't really enjoy being at their mother's apartment. When I asked them why, they said that she is always on her phone or on the computer. They feel like the only time that she spends with them is during dinner or when they are watching a movie together. I told them that they need to tell her how they feel. Don't know if they will though. My son said to me "dad you told me not to be mad at mom." I clarified and told him not to be mad at mom because of how she made dad feel. I told him that it is ok for him to upset about how she is being with them, and that they need to tell her. I told them that I would want to know. They said "dad why would we be mad at you?" Made me feel good that they love being with me.

I talked to my WW earlier today (she actually called me). She reminded me about my kids religious education classes as well a meeting for my daughter's first communion. I told her that I would take care of it. She wanted to go, but has to work until 7 pm (time the meeting starts). It was actually a good conversation. I also called her at her work to verify that my son had classes as well. She was very upbeat with me and seemed interested in how my day went.

Maybe this Plan A thing is finally working. I actually feel really good right now. Mostly because I am back with my children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I am losing some hope here.

It seems that the A is intensifying, and not coming apart like I had hoped. I am finding things out that give me this impression. Couple that with my WW's unwillingness to speak with me, and it doesn't look good. I try to Plan A, but it is really hard when I rarely speak with her and never see her.

I am needing some serious words of hope and encouragement. Please help!!!

maybe you should join me on the gazebo for a pity party.. any other BHs want to join... kind of a potluck for down-on-our-lucks..........

I'll bring something bland to match my mood... like british pizza (dough half cooked, with cheese, no seasonings, no sauce, no flavor)

HS

HS,

Hope you are not making fun of me! I really am not feeling good right now. I assume that you are not, and that things have not gone well for you today (if that is the case, I am sorry). If you aren't joking, I am there with you and will bring the salad with no dressing. Talk about bland!!!

bg, there is nothing here over which to lose hope. The closer they get right now, the faster the cookie will crumble. Their affair doomed. 95% of all affairs crumble because they are based on fraud and deceit. Just have patience and don't let it alarm you.

Thank you Mel, that is exactly what I needed. Any other great advice on how to shut down my taker. Truth be told, I miss my WW intensely. I think about her all the time. I did not sleep well last night because I thought about her all night. I just miss not having her near me, touching me, in my bed next to me, sharing her thoughts with me, looking into my eyes.

I am surrounding myself with friends and family, but that only helps so much. I am going dirt bike riding today with some friends/coworkers. Visited with friends and went to dinner with them last night.

The kids are staying with their mother tonight. That won't help. I will see them tomorrow though because they do not have school and will be with me while their mom works.

One thing that I took as encouraging was when I left the voicemail for my WW letting her know that I wanted to take the kids out of state this weekend to an amusement park. I invited her along as well. We have had a tradition of doing this once a year, and didn't do it this year. My WW didn't call me back. When she called my DD's cell phone, I answered it and asked her if she got the message. She said that she did. When I asked her what she thought, there was a long pause and then she said that she thought that it would be a good idea if I took the kids. She of course was not going, but I think that it made her think about what she will be missing. We have always had tons of fun on this trip, and she knows what she'll be missing.

Also, the OM has been promising to take her places, but that has not been happening. Meanwhile, I am going places. Maybe she is thinking about that. Who knows. You know, she is a wordless book right now and is impossible to read.

Just a pathetic man bumping his own thread for input. So, please don't make me beg!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok get this.

I just got off of the phone with my WW. She actually called me. I about fell out of my chair. Was nice to hear her voice and to have an actual conversation.

Anyway, she called me because I had left her a voicemail regarding a call from my kids school nurse. My DD has had ear problems since she was 1 yo, and the past 2 days she has gone to the nurse complaining of her ear hurting. I told the nurse not to be alarmed and explained everything to her.
I left the voice mail for my WW more as information because the kids are supposed to be with her tonight.

When we were done talking about that, we talked about how I broke a clamp on my motorcycle while riding today. I then brought up the trip to the amusement park and my intentions of booking the hotel. She clearly became sad at the thought of us going and having fun without her. Like I said, I had invited her as well, but she has chosen not to go. I think that she is seeing, at least a little bit, what she is sacrificing for this guy. Hopefully she turns some of this onto him and they start LB'ing each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Either way, I feel much better right now. I'm thinking I will see her tonight and will definitely see her tomorrow. Am planning to Plan A to the best of my ability! Any suggestions?

I am entering this post in the hopes that somebody will give me some feedback on how they think I am Plan A'ing.

First off, my WW has called me 5 times in the last 2 days. That is the same number of times that she has called me in the last 2 1/2 weeks. All of our conversations are friendly.

Today she called me to ask me if she was picking our kids up at my place or somewhere else. I told her that we were just leaving the store (I bought the kids some clothes). She said that she could meet us at my place or if we wanted to wait where we were she would pick them up there. I told her to meet us at a fruit juice store nearby. She agreed.

While we waited at the fruit juice store, I bought 4 drinks (1 for me, 1 for each of my kids, and 1 for my WW). When she got there, I gave her a choice of which drink she wanted. She was not expecting this and said "you didn't need to do that". I told her that I wanted to and gave her one of them. She thanked me. I then showed her the clothes I bought the kids, and looked at her new car. I once again told her that she did a good job and should be proud.

I was wearing some new clothes and she immediately told me that I looked nice and that she liked the clothes. I thanked her. I caught her checking me out (in particular my butt). Exactly what I had hoped would happen. We sat and talked for about 25 minutes.

She is struggling money wise (because she had to pay her rent and I didn't help). I told her that I would be transferring some money to our joint account to cover a bill that she paid. She then said that there was another bill coming due. I asked her how much it was and told her that I would put in my 1/2. She said "you have $500?" I told her "yes". This has been 3 or 4 times that she has asked me if I had money. Hoping some reality is setting in here financially.

We then talked a little bit more before I gave the kids kisses and hugs. I then told her that she looked nice. She said "it's just a t-shirt and jeans". I again said that she looked nice. They got in the car, and she opened her car door and got in. I closed her door behind her and handed her her seatbelt. I then said goodbye to the kids again and went back to my WW's window. I told her to have a great night with the kids. She had that usual sad look on her face like she wanted me to hug her (it's the look she always gives me right before I leave). I touched her on the arm and told her that I would see her later.

I asked if she wanted me to pick the kids up at her place or if she was bringing them to the house. She said it didn't matter. I told her that I had plans and didn't know how late I was going to be. I told her that I would call her when I was done and we could decide then. She really looked sad after I said that.

We were stopped at a stoplight next to each other and my kids rolled their windows down and told me they loved me again. My WW had rolled down the front window as well and was looking at me with a smile on her face. The kids asked me where I was going. I replied with a simple "to a friend's house". They both asked "what's her name?" I didn't like the question (because I have never given them any indication that I was interested in anybody but their mother). I think they asked this because they know that mom has a male friend. I think the question turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my WW stopped looking at me and looked straight ahead, as if she was bothered by the fact that I had plans. I again told my kids that I was going to see a friend at their house. I said goodbye and we left.

So, what do you think? Did I mess up? I felt like everything went extremely well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PERFECT!! I think ya got it, friend! That was so darn good I couldn't have scripted it better myself!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Mel. I finally get the hang of it after I am served the D papers. To bad I'm such a slow learner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, I picked up the kids at my WW's apt. Our usual nice visit (although short). She was very loving towards the kids and will clearly miss them this weekend. She escorted us to the door, but this time she stayed in the door the entire time we walked down the stairs.

Also, while we were getting in the car she sat in the window and watched us get in. The kids waved goodbye to her and then I did. She waved back to all of us. She then sat in the window the entire time as we left.

She is so clearly sad and is starting to really recognize what she is giving up. It hurts me to see her so sad.

bgtg,
Change your mindset. Instead of being hurt that she is sad when she sees what she is missing you should be happy that she is sad without the family together, because frankly, that's the emotion you want her to experience...
Plan A is all about showing your WW that you are THE ONE FOR HER.... if she isn't sad when you are happy without her, then you are losing... I'M SURE THAT OM doesn't like being her shoulder to vent about how she is missing out on things... but I'm sure she probably EITHER DOES IT or FEELS LONELY because she can't talk about her feelings... either way, you win. Remember, these are small signs of progress, take from this that you are doing the right things and keep planning your contact so that you are at your absolute best every time!
HS

Thank you for your insights HS.

Let me clarify. I am pleased that she is feeling sad and starting to recognize what she is losing and missing out on. I take it as a sign of progress. I only said that it "hurts me to see her sad" because I have always tried to protect her from hurt. I love her very much. Does that make sense?

I guarantee that she is not venting to the OM. She has always been the type of person who internalizes things. That is how we ended up where we are. She never said a word about being unhappy. I believe that she is keeping it inside and is feeling worse and worse everyday. I am hoping that this will cause her to start to push him away. He will then show his true colors as being somebody who was only interested in bedding her. It would be nice if that happened soon because it would speed things along.

Either way, I am still sticking to my plan.