Marshmallow,
Something that helped me get over thoughts of my husbands affair was an article I read by a psychologist who specializes in trauma memory management. He explained that we have much control over our moods because we can control the things we choose to think about. I know that there are times we get triggered-a special song, TV show-whatever-might make you think of the OM. But it takes about 90 seconds once you start thinking about things for the emotions to follow. The trick is to "change your file" before the feelings follow. Somehow you have to force yourself to think of other things, so that the emotions don't have time to take hold. I'm sure remembering the OM brings about many happy feelings, but if you force your mind to think of other things, you can avoid some of the agony you are experiencing now.

MM,

As a FWW, I understand how very hard it is to get these thoughts out of your head. It takes work and effort to change your thoughts. With time, these thoughts will start to fade. But, as "starting again" said, you must learn to change your thoughts. You are in control of what you do with the thoughts that come into your head. Do you want to dwell on them and continue to feel self-destruction, or do you want to push them out and dwell on "better things"?

I am assuming you are a Christian from what you have written.

2 Corinthians 10: 3-5
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

As soon as you become aware of these thoughts, physically tell yourself to stop. Take it one step further and add "Stop in Jesus name". Bring into captivity....EVERY THOUGHT....to the obedience of Christ. Immediately turn your thoughts to agreeing with the Word of God by saying scripture out loud, or by thanking God for something. James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you." When we turn our thoughts to God and praise Him for what he has done for us, our thoughts are focused on Him. There is so much to be thankful for....start by making a list of what you are thankful for and keep that as your reminder when these "thoughts" of the OM creep in.

Here are some Scripture you might find helpful to dwell on:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


Psalms 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 51:10-11
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

1 Corinthians 15:10
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


Hang in there. It does get better, but there is no quick way. As time goes on and you remain in NC and continue to re-focus your thoughts, it does get better.

Remember ....
Think on things that are true......God's Word is true.
Think on things that are honest.....God's Word is honest.
Think on things that are just......God's Word is just.
Think on things that are pure........God's Word is pure.
Think on things things are lovely......God's Word is lovely.
Think on things that are of good report.....God's Word is just.
Think on things that are virtuous.........God's Word is full of virtue.
Think on things worthy of praise.......God's Word is worthy.

Hello Marshmallow...
Just read your thread....
Please stay strong and avoid any contact with the OM. The emotional agony that BH experiencing can not be truly appreciated by a WW... but as you've read my thread I'm sure you understand the depths of pain that exists. The most sound and decent thing to do is have the strength and integrity to stick it out. If you are finding yourself longing to speak to OM, then maybe you need some anti-depressants... they can do wonders with the chemical imbalances that often accompany an affair and withdrawal...
Moving forward, Marshmallow, your husband needs you now more than ever before. I wish someone could tell my WW the things I'm telling you now... YOU HAVE the most incredible opportunity ahead of you to find a place in your marriage that is greater than it's ever been.... don't forsake it... stay strong.... the OM offers you and your marriage nothing substantive, long term.... your happiness five years from now will likely reflect your strength over the next five weeks. I am rooting for you, just as I root for all WW to come clean and stay straight to recover and find a great place in M. I will check in again.... Wishing you the very best as you recover from your affair.
Sincerely,
Heartsore

MM, I had no emotional attachment to the OM when I bumped into him again so there was nothing to "get over" or withdraw from.

It really can happen you know. Don't fall into the trap of not WANTING to let go. People who are grief stricken do that. I know you think that he'll be in your mind forever and part of you hates the thought that one day he just won't matter.

Believe me, when it reaches that stage, he won't matter and you won't care that he doesn't matter. It is extremely liberating.

Someone mentioned ADs. They can be very helpful.

I am concerned about your H's feelings and so should you be. Concentrate on him and how you can make things better for him.

Marshmallow,

I'm a FWW who had an EA too. Please read the "Withdrawal guide" in my signature line (just click on the link) for additional help and insight into this process you're currently going through.

Hi MM -

There is no such thing as a stupid question, but I might give a stupid answer. LOL. I really believe I was addicted to the endorphin high.

Also, I think I was trying to fool myself into believing we could be "friends" in order to make the entire fiasco not seem so despicable, which is typical foggy thinking.

When my H and I are with our grown kids, enjoying their company, and especially when I am playing with my grandson, I am in awe of what God has restored to me. I left my family for FOM! It occurred to me a few years ago that what I really deserved was to be stuck with FOM for the rest of my life. When I think of what I did, I get sick, and am just so thankful to be with my family.

By the way, during the first couple years after d-day, I also went to secular IC (and a group for people with anxiety disorders for a few months), as I had come all the way completely unglued. I went on meds, which helped me through the depression and anxiety. I read my Bible, Christian and secular self-help books, got involved in our church, surrounded myself with Godly Christian women, made a point to eat right and exercise, and made career goals for myself. I had been a SAHM for many years, but I finally finished my B.A. and am getting certified to teach high school. I am so blessed, and feel better than I ever have in my whole life.

Of course, there are still blue days, and times when H and I struggle to get along, but for the most part I am encouraged by the way our M is now.

Keep striving to do better. Hang in there! God bless,
Rose

HI all, I only post at work, so weekends I'm not around (and holidays).

MM- it is so hard because you're thinking about all the things that "could have been." What if you're making a mistake by staying with your husband? What if OM is the love of your life and you're giving that up? What if you'll never recover your marriage? It's all a fantasy. It's all those endorphins like (I think- I read fast, lol) Rose said. IT'S NOT REAL!!!!! And that's hard to process. If you want to save your marriage and your family, and you do or you wouldn't be here, right? Then you have to just do whatever it takes. IT's hardest the first month or so. I still look for cars like his (remember, I never even met this guy....so it will be harder for you....just keep that in mind...). But do remember your BH and what he would feel. For once in this mess be unselfish- I say this because I really think an affair is above all a selfish act. So think of someone else- your BH.THink how you would feel if you were he.

MM how you do today? update!