Trix - Thank you for not making me feel like a total piece of ****** for what I did. I will read what you suggested.

Change occurs when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

She'll wait until he finds out on his own, then she'll be back here in worse shape because he'll want a divorce.

Everyone is coming down on me for what I did, but no one has said my husband shouldn't have to lied to me, also. A relationship takes 2. Having an affair wasn't the right thing to do, I know. Guess we should have had counseling after his dishonesty and maybe none of this would have happened.

momx4, the solution to adultery is honesty, not more lying. Trix is not telling you to continue to lie. Lying is always wrong. You should NOT feel good about lying to your husband. Your marriage cannot recover as long as it is based on fraud and deceit.

Stop trying to change the subject and stop trying to blame your husband for your affair. No one is fooled by this.

It comes down to the 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' rule...and the 'two wrongs don't make a right' idea.

Obviously, his not informing you of something so important was a dishonest betrayal.

Have you or your kids gotten Hep C?

What did you expect, Mx4? Support for helping you continue to hide your secret? This is "Marriage Builders", to hide or support someone in hiding such a damaging secret is not building marriages. Quite the opposite.

I also see you had unprotected sex. Do you realize you can have unknowingly shared life threatening STDs with your innocent husband because of this SECRET.

You have deprived him of his choice to decide to stay in this marriage by withholding your SECRET. You have also deprived him of assurance of his good health for the same reason.

Tell him.

I don't feel good about lying, believe me! I posted a question, and Trix was the only one that didn't make me feel like I was the most horrible person in the world and then suggested something for me to read........I made a mistake and I just need a place to start.

mom, not telling him is not "loving," it is deceitful, disrespectful, cruel and manipulative. You are DANGEROUS to him by keeping him in a marriage based on a LIE. A FRAUD.

Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies.

No amount of lies on his part will justify your lying to him so please stop with the blameshifting.

Trix - thankfully I tested negative, and as for the kids I don't know. We are in the process of seeing doctors for treatment. I have to get tested every 6 months. Thanks for asking.

The place to start is being honest with your husband and we can help you with that. But we cannot support you in more deceit.

mom, you are not supposed to "feel good" when you lie to someone. Our goal is not to make you "feel good" for doing bad things, but to show you that lying to your husband is not the solution to adultery. We are not here to make you "feel good" for being bad.

Let's see what Dr. Harley says about honesty:

"From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Here is a curious thing ... why would someone come to a marriage building site and ask THIS question... [color:"red"]"Should I tell my spouse about my affair?" [/color] ... and then... vehemently argue that there is no way they will ever tell their spouse about their affair?


[b]... and then, promptly, conveniently displaces the responsibility of her actions onto her husband's past mistakes?

Seems to be a hidden agenda maybe ????

There certainly is no honesty in the original question she raised ... she has NO intention of telling her husband ... so, [color:"red"] WHY did you ask the question?[/color]

Pep

Could you be looking for an arguement?

hmmmmmmmm?

Pep

[b]OK!

start by answering this question:

[color:"red"]Are you willing to lie/deceive your husband that you love, for the rest of your life?

A. yes
B. no
C. not sure[/color]

It's pretty straightforward

Pep

Anyone wanna bet me a Starbuck's she doesn't return?

Well, how about the Starbucks...............

I have a job, have to work......can't be on here 24-7...........

mom,
do you feel guilt?

do you feel shame?

do you feel remorse?

when did you find out about your husband's lies about his past?

why would you use the lies of one person to justify the lies of another?

are you wanting someone to say "ok, since he lied to you and put your life in jeaporday, it is ok to lie and put his life in jeapordy?"

does that make any sense to you at all?

you said that your relationship has improved a lot and things are going so much better and you don't want to ruin that. Is this because you have forgiven him for his mistakes?

I don't think you have or you would not be using that to justify not telling.

Are you afraid that if you tell him it gives him justification for HIS lies?

Is that it?

RIght now, you can old his actions over his head. If you tell you lose that power.

Personally, I think you should tell him. Don't you think he deserves to know. If he already has a medical condition, don't you think he should know there is a risk of him being infected with something else that could complicate that issue?

I am glad you haven't tested positive and hope your H is doing alright.

A place to start would be to understand all you can about how radical honesty could bring a deeper level of intimacy to your marriage. No one will tell you it won't be a painful process.

Your husband will probably be very hurt and angry that you hadn't confessed before now. (Wouldn't you, had he withheld this betrayal?) Hopefully, he will be willing to work through this with you to have a better marriage. It will take work though. It will not be easy.

Marriage Builders and members here can help you on that path.

Should you want to feel good about not telling your husband the truth you may get more support from that stance by calling Dr. Laura. I have heard her be quite adament about that opinion. I think Dr. Ruth and probably Dr. Joy hold similar opinions to that of Dr. Laura on this subject.

Dishonesty isn't the basis I want to build my marriage on.

Marriage Builders has a home study course that you can work on with your husband or the Marriage Builder's Weekend would be helpful too.

If you decide to tell your husband about your past A and work through this, you will want to decide on the best setting to do that. It may be good to do that in the presence of a Marriage Counselor or your Pastor.