THanks for the continued encouragement and good thoughts/compliments. I've had lots of people comment to me how well I'm doing through this whole thing. And until a couple days ago, I felt I had been again, thanks to AD's. Yesterday felt depressed and last night after kids went to sleep found myself in uncontrollable tears. Finally willed myself to pray and was able to calm down, but still feeling very sad. Probably PMS but I can't figure out why I'm all of a sudden wanting to just ball up and cry. I miss him terribly, nothing new there. Thinking about the amount of time that has gone by and for some reason started thinking about what Christmas is probably going to be like. I hate to think about it, I hate to think about him and the whole sitch, but I'm having a terrible time trying not to. I think about how she's getting the affection and all that is supposed to be mine. That has been mine and now it's gone. I want it back!

Oh, (((((ANgie))))), I'm sooo sorry that you are in a rough patch right now! Remember to stay present, recenter yourself, focus on the task at hand...taking care of you and those kids...

Those wonderful boys and that beautiful baby girl...is she tearing the house apart...walking now...grabbing everything in sight?

Look at all that you have accomplished...the fence, the yard, caring for you, the kids, exposure, Plan A, Plan B...

What do you feel you accomplished? How do you feel about YOU, compared to the way you use to feel?

I hear that you are hurting and lonely...it will get better...pray for the answers...

I think you are amazing and you inspire me...it's just this crazy rollercoaster ride...

((((Angie)))

I hope that today is better for you! I really do!

Today is ok. I know I'm going to have tough days. That's why I come here to share and get inspiration from other postings and from people like you that take the time out of their days to help boost me up.

I do feel like I have accomplished a lot since he left, more so than I would have done when he was home. We've been talking about doing the fence for almost 4 years now and it never got done, until now. And I know and feel proud or whatever because I did it! No help from anyone else. I can survive on my own and do well. It's just that, no surprise, I would rather have him around. But, I know that isn't possible now and it's because he can't commit to us without her in his life. He's said that he needs us both for different reasons, but that's so hard when it's her he's sleeping with her, loving her, talking with her and sharing his life with her. So what is my place? How does he need me in his life except to take care of his home and his kids, even though he spends little time there and with them.

My DD is SO cute, smart, funny, loving, and into everything. She's been walking since 10 mos, 1 1/2 mos. behind her brothers. All the kids are very active, very smart and very dear to me and all that know them think the same. Today I got two emails from teachers about my oldest DS and what a joy he is. Makes my heart warm b/c I know that it's b/c of me keeping their lives as positive and happy as possible and making sure they know I love them during all this crap he's doing. I know that I'm the one that stayed, that down the road they'll know and appreciate all I've done for them, and that my not bad mouthing their dad iwhen I certainly could will show who's the bigger person in this.

Thanks Rin! I so greatly appreciate your continued support, especially when reading all you're going through. You inspire me as much as you say I do for you. The mutual admiration society is a great boost and I hope you'll find all you need as well. I'll continue to pray for me and add you and so many others here to my list. He speaks to us when we are ready to listen, and he continues to speak to me. I pray all here will hear Him in their time of need as well.

"We've been talking about doing the fence for almost 4 years now and it never got done, until now. And I know and feel proud or whatever because I did it!"

Can I hear more about your fence? You said that you did it yourself? I'm very interested in hearing about it or did I miss it in a post?

Wow, you've been reading my thread, cool! It was rough, my eyes and my heart were closed tightly for a long time...my part!

I do dislike school buses now! LOL The great thing about summer, NO SCHOOL BUSES!

Take care, I'll check in later! Kiss them beautiful kids!

THe fence thing isn't some major accomplishment, but mine just the same. We have a fence that runs the length of two sides of our property and about 4-5 years ago I cleaned it and he and I attempted to stain it. After an hour, we realized that he never stirred the stain so it was a waste of our time and he decided not to redo or finish what we started. So, I've/we've talked aobut doing it again for the time in between and I finally cleaned and stained it on my own here recently. I still have to finish the other side which I now know will take another 4-5 hours, but I did it. So, it's not like a built one on my own, but it's still something that could have and should have been done and he/we never did. It's also satisfying to have him make commments/compliments about how it looks.

Here's a question for discussion and a need for help/advice to anyone? How do you deal with the idea that your M and life together has been a lie for the past 15 years?

My WS when we were alking had said that one of the things he had to resolve with OW was that all these years he knew that they would never have a relationship like they do now. But now it's different because she's interested in this kind of relationship again. So to me it simply means that if she at any other time in our life together had wanted this type of relationship, he would have been gone then too. I feel like I have no value to him and have been a substitute for her all these years.

I was just beginning to think that my NC with WS was helping and so were the AD's. But the last 3 days have been almost as bad as the first week of my NC with him. I find myself very depressed, crying easily and wanting him as much as ever. This seems to be affecting me so much more than him. He's getting something he's obviously always wanted and why shouldn't I think that despite his saying this isn't easy for him and that he wants to work on our M, that despite saying these things, he's happy in his own way and not suffering or missing me very much at all. I can just imagine that he's staying there almost all the time now instead of at his sister's. He's not seeing the kids much more than about 10 hours a week. Is the fog really that thick that he can give up his M and family so easily for some .....What happened to the man I fell in love with, depended on, made plans with and babies with?

I have such a hard time seeing a happy future for myself. I have started imagining our up coming anniversary in two months, Christmas... I hurt so bad.

Feeling better today. WH picked up kids for the day from Sunday school. Had to transfer DD since she's so little and car seat. But I did so without looking at him, without talking to him, and also gave him a large box packed with his winter clothes and a small box of coat hangers. Last time he was over to the house with the kids, he took a flannel shirt. it's starting to cool off, so I figured he needed his winter clothes since there's no sign that he'll be home anytime soon. No comments, just walked it over to his car and sat it down by the door while he put the carseat in. The only words I said were to DD. Told her I loved her, gave each other a kiss and we both said bye-bye. Then walked away to see boys in church before getting to attend for the first time in a year.

I feel stronger having done that and came through it so well. It also helped that I didn't see the OW's father at church. God was looking out for me again, I guess. Came away feeling revived and refreshed. Praise God!

Angie, I must admit I have only today skimmed most of your posts. Honey, do you realize that Plan B means NO contact.

That means no emails, no phone calls, no passing kids - nothing.

You must go dark.

I thought you had friends who were going to handle the communicatiion and your mom was going to handle kid transfers.

I think you are not even really very dim and you really need to be DARK.

hang in there

Hi, Angie, I just wanted to stop in and say hello. Thank you for checking in on me. I posted on my other thread about yesterday. I'll wait until late tonight to post about today!

I think MF has a point, why aren't you completely dark and do can you have step up to the plate for you?

I think you need to get pretty strong on your plan B, I know you back peddled some on C, but I think you need to end that now. You are a lot strong now, then you were! I think you can hand this better. You haven't really given him a reason to miss you...I mean really miss you!

Still on your side...There for you in good times and in bad...

Going dark...I know what you both mean and I've done it as much as I can realistically. Although there have been offers to help with transfers, I'm still not around when they get picked up from my mom's, there isn't always a way to do this and I don't want to be accused of keeping the kids from him if/when we get to the point when that becomes an issue in court. I am the darkest I can muster, albeit that I don't always dissapear completely. I still think the point is being made, don't you think? Sometimes there isn't a way to take care of things in the ideal way. I wish I could completely go dark, but unable to do so due to the commitments of others and not having someone to my disposal to be the in between, so I'm doing the best I can.

I really appreciate all you are saying and I'm trying to do what's best. It's very hard and I know that you both have been there as well. Keep pushing me for this and I'll look for other avenues to do so as well.

I want to respond to your post from a couple of days ago where you were feeling bad - even though you are likely feeling better now! I wanted to share a couple of things that you can hopefully recall on the bad days.
First, you will hear this a million times on this site, Things are RARELY what they seem. You think he is "happy now" and not suffering, but I guarantee you, that isn't true. He is suffering in a different way, and hiding it from you. I really feel pity for your WH. He is destroying his family, his own self respect, his relationship with a his kids, all for a woman who was interested in him, then not interested in him, and now interested in him again. That is really sad. The way you are feeling right now - like his second choice - look at what he is willing to accept from OW - heck, he isn’t even her second choice! Over the years she has likely had many R's and your W is about number 9 on the list! The hole he is digging is so deep...

Right now, he is doing everything he can to salvage that R with OW. I am certain that he is spending most of his time at her place – he has to watch her every moment so that she doesn’t jilt him – again. At this point he has invested a lot in that R. He has alienated his wife, his kids. He has an 18month old baby! A baby that he wanted to have! And every time he sees the baby he remembers that he has given up a lot for his R with this OW. When you do not hear from him – it isn’t because he doesn’t miss you, doesn’t think about you. It is because he is still trying to make this other R work. He is throwing everything at it to finally fix it, to prove that he hasn’t made a mistake. But at the end of the day, in the quiet of his own thoughts, the truth is that his adulterous affair with a woman who dumped him many years ago is a mistake.

You bring up the specter of Christmas. That is a fear we all had in the beginning. Let me tell you what I discovered based on my own situation and others on these boards. Christmas will be WAY worse for him, then it will be for you. I know you don’t believe me – but you gotta trust me on this one.
At some point you will make it clear to him, that your babies will wake up in their own beds, in their own house, with their Mamma on Christmas morning. He will not fight that, he knows better than to fight Mamma Bear! And you will wake up to those precious faces – and he will not. You will have stockings hung in your own home. You will have snow flakes made from paper plates, and excited kids, and he will have a crusty OW. Christmas is a time of reflection for everyone. He will reflect on Christmas’ past, and remember happy times with you and the kids. And then he will look at crusty OW and realize that he will never have that with her. No matter how many gifts they buy each other, no matter how much they claim to have a happy life together – she will never be the wife of his youth. She is not the woman who first brought him the joy of parenthood. She is jus the woman who jilted him in his youth. Left him to go do her own thing. And then came back. And everytime he remembers the wife of his youth, the mother of his children, he will have regret. It is very sad. Right now he thinks that his feelings of regret will pass. That he was “meant to be with OW” and that in time he will regain his elf respect, he will no longer be haunted by memories of the woman who made him a Dad. But in reality, he can’t gain his self respect back, as long as he continues in a R with the woman who “liked him, then she didn’t like him, and now she likes him again”, the woman who is not the wife of his youth.

You will have a happy future. You are walking through the fire now, but this is only for a season. You will have a season of struggle, of pain. But on the reverse, your H will only have this one season of “happiness”. Eventually, your pain will pass, and you will enjoy many seasons of happiness. Your WH does not have a happy future to look forward to.

I want to respond to your post from a couple of days ago where you were feeling bad - even though you are likely feeling better now! I wanted to share a couple of things that you can hopefully recall on the bad days.
First, you will hear this a million times on this site, Things are RARELY what they seem. You think he is "happy now" and not suffering, but I guarantee you, that isn't true. He is suffering in a different way, and hiding it from you. I really feel pity for your WH. He is destroying his family, his own self respect, his relationship with a his kids, all for a woman who was interested in him, then not interested in him, and now interested in him again. That is really sad. The way you are feeling right now - like his second choice - look at what he is willing to accept from OW - heck, he isn’t even her second choice! Over the years she has likely had many R's and your W is about number 9 on the list! The hole he is digging is so deep...

Right now, he is doing everything he can to salvage that R with OW. I am certain that he is spending most of his time at her place – he has to watch her every moment so that she doesn’t jilt him – again. At this point he has invested a lot in that R. He has alienated his wife, his kids. He has an 18month old baby! A baby that he wanted to have! And every time he sees the baby he remembers that he has given up a lot for his R with this OW. When you do not hear from him – it isn’t because he doesn’t miss you, doesn’t think about you. It is because he is still trying to make this other R work. He is throwing everything at it to finally fix it, to prove that he hasn’t made a mistake. But at the end of the day, in the quiet of his own thoughts, the truth is that his adulterous affair with a woman who dumped him many years ago is a mistake.

You bring up the specter of Christmas. That is a fear we all had in the beginning. Let me tell you what I discovered based on my own situation and others on these boards. Christmas will be WAY worse for him, then it will be for you. I know you don’t believe me – but you gotta trust me on this one.
At some point you will make it clear to him, that your babies will wake up in their own beds, in their own house, with their Mamma on Christmas morning. He will not fight that, he knows better than to fight Mamma Bear! And you will wake up to those precious faces – and he will not. You will have stockings hung in your own home. You will have snow flakes made from paper plates, and excited kids, and he will have a crusty OW. Christmas is a time of reflection for everyone. He will reflect on Christmas’ past, and remember happy times with you and the kids. And then he will look at crusty OW and realize that he will never have that with her. No matter how many gifts they buy each other, no matter how much they claim to have a happy life together – she will never be the wife of his youth. She is not the woman who first brought him the joy of parenthood. She is jus the woman who jilted him in his youth. Left him to go do her own thing. And then came back. And everytime he remembers the wife of his youth, the mother of his children, he will have regret. It is very sad. Right now he thinks that his feelings of regret will pass. That he was “meant to be with OW” and that in time he will regain his elf respect, he will no longer be haunted by memories of the woman who made him a Dad. But in reality, he can’t gain his self respect back, as long as he continues in a R with the woman who “liked him, then she didn’t like him, and now she likes him again”, the woman who is not the wife of his youth.

You will have a happy future. You are walking through the fire now, but this is only for a season. You will have a season of struggle, of pain. But on the reverse, your H will only have this one season of “happiness”. Eventually, your pain will pass, and you will enjoy many seasons of happiness. Your WH does not have a happy future to look forward to.

WOS5 - Wow!!!! I can't thank you enough not only for taking the time to post for me, but the insights you've given me. I have hoped at times that when he's said that this isn't easy for him that it was true. Reading your post makes that seem all the more true. The many books I've read also describe the feelings and such of the WS's being much as you described. I know to a certain extent that it is probably true with him as well. I hope that it is.

Today I woke up feeling angry for lack of a better term. I was thinking that I don't deserve to be treated this way, that I am a special person who has been a basically good wife, a good mother, a giving and forgiving person who has loved him unconditionally. I continue to wonder if I will be able to keep my love for him and if when/if he returns if I will not only want him, but be willing and able to work on us with the amount of distrust I have.

I continue to thank and praise God for his leading me to this site and the people that are here. I say prayers for you all that you find the strength you need to make it through your own personal situations. I've always believed in God, but when this all began, I truly felt God speak to me on many occasions and have a renewed and energized belief. I have dedicated a greater amount of my time to studying His word and to prayer. I am confident that I will be able to make it through with his help and all of those people here.

On that note, I don't think anything else needs to be said!

WOW! :::standing ovation to WOS5:::

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

One month since my NC letter. No change....

DD turns 18 months old on Sunday. So the boys and I have decided to throw her a little birthday party. We've bought her two smalll gifts and we're going to get her a cake and cut one candle in half. When my parents heard about our plans they said we should all go to this new park they just dicovered and have a bucket of chicken and let the kids have some fun. So we are and one of my sisters and her family may join us.

I thought this would be a good idea for a couple of reasons. 1.) It will be fun! 2.) With the holidays fast approaching and things on the M and A front not seeming to change, we need to begin to experience happy times for holidays and special events without daddy. Thanks again WOF5!! I think this will be more beneficial to me than the kids, but good just the same.

I'm also going out to establish some more independence from WH by looking for and hopefully getting a new van. We had switched vehicles almost a year ago due to gas prices and I drive so much less. Then this summer just after d day, he traded the van in for a Vibe, good reasons, but put only in his name and bought instead of leasing as he always does. Yeah, it made me even more suspicious then. Looking for a way to prepare to leave us without any tie? (It also helped lead to my discovering another lie, and right to my face.) He said we couldn't trade in the Liberty because we owed too much yet. I don't care! I need a van with three growing, fighting kids and if I can stay in my payment range, it's gone! And this will be only in my name, I haven't even discussed with him and the kids haven't mentioned either. I'm still staying dark as possible.

You Know....The more you move on without him the more attractive you are.

You will have bad moments at this party when you realise that wh isn't there. Have them...then move on from them.
Focus on how much fun your kids are having.
Fly a kite HAVE FUN watching the kids laugh. Where light colored pants and get grass stains on them.
Sound dumb?

Be a kid for a day.

You sound like you are doing great. You will have little setbacks.......feel them and move on.

I tool my kids to the zoo....to a highschool football game.......to a playground.
Get a camera. get a good picture of you and the kids.Take it to Walmart and have an 8x10 made then hang it on the wall.
So, So, So, many things to feel good about. Knowing he is missing out on all of this will help you move on.

Ok I'm done rambling on.....just another .02 cents.

Good Luck Ang.

JS

Good morning, angie!

I am very impressed with your attitude! Great job! I love the idea about trading in and the van and you owning it!

I also love the fact you and the kids are creating celebrations and plan to enjoy yourself. You make it sound so inviting that I wish me and the kids could come! LOL

I mean, what the Heck, a bucket of chicken, cake, and the park...what more do you need? OH, some bubbles! Yeah! Bubbles are cool! LMAO

My hat's off to you Angie, proud to know you...to be sharing your life! And I can't wait to hear how the weekend goes! LOL

Thanks JS and Rin! I'm trying, but you're right, there are set backs. Last week there were some bad days, this week some anger, melancholy and feeling ok with myself, they take turns.

I want this party and great day for me as much as them. We continue to have some, especially since my going on AD's. Last week they all three had a great time in the tub and I took sevral pics. I put one as my background on my computer at home, right where he'll see it when he's visiting the kids alone without me.

My oldest DS and I have exciting plans to go to our favorite college team's game the end of October. DS can talk about little else, including to dad. I can't help but have a feeling of satisfaction when they say they've told him about the plans we have or the things we do. He doesn't see them anywhere as much as I think he should, only about 10-14 hours a week, and I'm trying my all to make sure they have a happy childhood still.

Thanks for the back patting! It's great! I feel like everyone around me here is sick of hearing about what's going on in my life and marriage. It's such a relief and comfort to have this site and all of you to talk to and have listen. I would be lost without this site!!!!!!

Big Hugs to All!!! I'll eat a piece of chicken and cake for you Rin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Cool, you're the best!


That is awesome! I've been wanting to do the same with my OS! We bleed purple and gold! Do you know who I'm talking about? HAHA I'll let you guess!

H seems to think that OS want sit still that long...I guess being mom, I have more patience...sitting still is not the point in my book anyway...it's the experience! Being in that stadium, hearing the crowd roar...the goosebumps...

What an amazing feeling!

Angie, I would like for you to consider this...do you know that everyone there is tired of hearing about your life or could you be projecting your feelings and thought onto others?

I know I have felt like I was a burden to others...poor me and my problems...come to find out it wasn't so! I helped add that negative self-talk...I filled my head with thoughts that stopped me from having intimant(sp) R with friends and family...please don't block your own path to self recovery.

Please ask them how they feel...it's in the best interest of all...just my 2 cents, of course!


I completely understand this one! I feel the exact same way and I feel like I have a place I can call home on good days and bad days! Only thing is: one day I would like to meet some of them!

Here's to you! To know you is to love you! Have a fabulous weekend!

Well all, the weekend was a pretty good one overall. We had the 18 month birthday party for my DD, a practice for special events to come without daddy for my kids and myself. All went well and we had a great time! We later went to my sister's to show her my new van.

That's right! I did it! I haggled till I got where I could afford it, but I went home with a new van in my name. Didn't think WH noticed when he left, I park out front until he leaves, but he emailed me today with a compliment about it and he wanted to know what kind it was.

So, we went to my sister's. She drove me around her acreage on her bobcat thingy and we talked a bit about the latest in my sitch. I got a bit weepy and then she told me that about 3 years ago, I think she said, that a friend of hers had told her she saw my H eating lunch with a woman. It was undoubtedly the OW and she and my other sister and mom, that she asked for advice from, decided not to tell me b/c it was when things weren't great between H and I, but had just begun to get better. It hurt that they didn't tell me, but I have little doubt about when it happened. During that time things weren't great for a while and then they got better. Then I discovered that H had signed up for an on-line dating site and filled out dissolution papers, but had not gone through on any of it b/c things had gotten better. It wasn't pleasant around the house for a while with that but we worked things out. We even decided to have another child, thus my DD. So, I figure it was during that time, since he always seems to contact her when we have hard times. Until now it was always to talk with a "friend", no PA b/c she wasn't interested. Now she is so here we are.

It's just another example of the lying that has gone on during our marriage and makes me question whether we can ever mend things b/c he seems so incapable of living without her. I imagine that we will continue as we are now, me in plan b, for the rest of our days. He once said that we would always have a R b/c we have kids together. I guess that was his way of justifying to himself that he can spend his time with OW now. But I don't think we have to have much more of a R than we are in plan b if I don't want it and he's still seeing her. He sees the kids, contacts me about seeing them, but I don't have to be his friend only if I don't want. I want to be his best friend and his wife.

Am I wrong for thinking this way?

Hey Rin! You ate too much chicken! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />