late exposure

measurably superior to

no exposure

when discussing

protection of future contact

therefore

facilitating the safety

of all concerned!

Pep

recovery efforts that omit

exposure to the other betrayed spouse

permits unnecessary vulnerability

and a known risk for future betrayals

as exampled by several "recovered" marriages here

where the other BS was not informed of the affair

and even a few years later ... NC is breached

and the BS suffers another betrayal

because the OP's spouse was not vigilant on his/her end

because he/she was deliberately left vulnerable

what a shame <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

and

what a sham <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Pep

and

the vulnerability of a less than 100% exposed affair

continues

even

"years down the road"

it's an inconscionable position

for a FWS to recommend

less than 100% protection

for their other victim

the OP's spouse

inconscionable

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

PEP,

You are all knowing and wise!!

Don't ever leave these boards!

I don't know about THAT!

however, I am experienced
and I have common sense
and
I have observed both

what works
and what

does not

Pep

Pep is a pro and he is bilingual! He speaks English and Foganian...

Pep >self-exposure< is a girl!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Exposure to OP's Spouse, even late exposure

Finally and hopefully for all time

destroys the fantasy on both ends

For without FULL exposure

The secretive, lustful, and faux passionate illusion of the affair, to SOME extent, admitted to or not, very likely remains

The unexposed spouse necessarily remains stuck in the fantasy...

The "what if" remains open ended on their end

The exposed wayward spouse unwittingly remains tempted by the illusion, even if it's only held by OP, perhaps indefinitely

It could always rear it's ugly head in the form of contact from a still deluded OP.

Regardless, the wayward remains vulnerable to the fact (whether true or not) that the illusion may STILL exists

If not, perhaps just comforted, at some level, that the fantasy may still exists.

In quiet reflection there may always be:

"If my spouse died, perhaps OP will still be there for me"

"I wonder if OP thinks about me"

"I wonder if OP still loves me"

"I wonder what would have happened if we had just run off together"

The fantasy/illusion is where the HIGH of infidelity and the actual reward of the addiction IS...OP is just the CRACKPIPE/BONG. IMO, without the fantasy, OP is NOT nearly as tempting. They can rigthfully then become...just another crackhead after exposure.

Mr. Wondering

Pep... now that you've exposed yourself (hopefully not wearing one of Mel's thongs)... is your masculine side going berserk?

I can just imagine all the fog talk... "It's not PMS, you're just annoying me." "My pants shrunk...again." "I'll be ready in a minute." And so on...

No no.. now don't get NEKKID again !
You'll catch a cold from all that exposure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> !

exposure works to protect marriages ...

to advocate non-exposure is to advocate an avoidable risk

just nonsense!

Pep

Thank you Pep and Mr W. Excellent posts.

why would a FWW respect her husband when he refuses to protect her from further contact by the OM?

she wouldn't

which is why the OM feels entitled to try again and contact FWW ... years later .... because he senses the FWW's disrespect for her BH

wimpy BH are targets for further contact from OM

"wimpy" is not attractive to most women ... agree or disagree?

Pep

non-exposure only benefits the AFFAIR!!!!!




My H used the Crowbar method to secure our future from OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Wimpy, not a bit, kind of hostile, but it did scare the crap out of OM and I'm guessing he will NEVER try and contact me regardless of how his end of the world is going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Still paying for the damage, sad reminder, but OM is out of the picture. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I agree it is a wimpy approach to not expose, and wimpy is not attractive.

I confessed my A because I needed my H's help with ending it. I was weak, and the OM was persistant, I couldn't do it alone. I needed him to help me.

KY

Have exposed to WW family, my family, WW friends. Is there a need for last exposure to WW work, OM work, OM family (if possible)? NC has not occured, minimal contact at work. I know OM still calling, it has been a month since she said she doesn't want to talk to him. I still believe that there is contact based on phone messages. WW is coming around a little, fog seems to be clearing at times. Is there a need for this added exposure or will it drive her further from me?????

Thanks

DavyJones,

Yep, I would expose to everyone that may be able to help end the affair, (and your W will need to leave the job. Minimal contact is too much!).

And yes, it may drive her further from you at first ('cause she'll be ticked off that you put her secret out there in the light) but if you want to begin to heal (which you CANNOT as long as there is ANY contact)... exposure is the best weapon.

My biggest regret over my W's last two A's... I DIDN"T EXPOSE TO HER FAMILY!.

I was always viewed by them as a black sheep in their midst, but after discovering the A's, I should have exposed her to her very religous family members, to have garnered their support in getting her to end the A, and to have allowed them to perceive me in a better light, having been able to forgive her and welcome her back into the marriage.

Exposure is as critical to helping end the A, as NC is to ensuring Recovery has a chance.

JMHO
SD

Ok, I found out tonight there is still contact for sure. Some initiated by her. Should I confront her with this, expose and continue with plan A? Please help, at a critical point here.

Thanks to all

Pep, I have a feeling you're talking about me (and others) here. You do realise that my H exposed fully to the OM's W about 6 months after D-day (when the A had been over nearly a year) don't you?

It stopped any risk of contact again. The first meeting of recent contact was purely accidental but, yes indeed, was an A waiting to happen again. By the time Mel exposed to my H, there was NC back in place anyway.

My H tried to phone the OM's W a few times but couldn't get through.

And I object VERY strongly to my wonderful H being called a wimp.

He is a strong, sensitive and wonderful man and could show most men a thing or two about being a real man.