Hi all. Well, WH showed up at my job today to beg me to take him back. He said he made a huge mistake, realizes now that I was the best wife he ever had, went to a fantasy land, but now is back.

He said the OW is a good woman, but he now understands that he has always loved me. He seemed like my husband again. He was telling me how hard he chased me to get me to marry him, and he can't believe that he acted so stupidly.

He wanted to know if there was anything that he could do to work on the relationship. It was extremely sad, and made me feel sick.

He went on and on, wondering why none of his relatives, or our friends made any effort to try to save our marriage. I told him that our church did step in, and ask him to come in for some counseling, and he refused.

It ended with me telling him that he broke my heart, and I lost my love for him. I just want him out of my life.

Just wanted to let you who are all still going through this misery know that the affair usually DOES end. It's been over 3 and a half years for us.

believer,

I know you are torn between a feeling of vindication and "God I don't need this now that I have my life in order"!

Like almost all BS's, you will have the opportunity to decide your life. Whatever that choice is, may it bring you nothing but happiness.

Thanks Cymanca. I'm happy again, and would never take him back, even if he was the husband I used to know. The whole thing makes me feel sick. All of that pain for NOTHING.

If he had done anything in the last 3 years, I might feel differently. But he left me on my own so completely that I was forced to live without him.

Now I love my life without him.

I think I will change my advice and just tell people to forget about their spouse and make a good life. Sooner or later they'll be back. It's all of the stuff in the meantime that ruins any chance of reconciliation.

believer,





Almost a direct quote from Dr Pittman's book Private Lies

Really? I have read quotes by Pittman, and have always liked him. I'll get the book.

Why would you do that Believer? It's over.... right?

believer,

Besides directing friends in need to this site, I also recomend ( and have bought several books for these friends) Private Lies,Tough Love and SAA .

Too little, too late.

B, my boss at my old job's W came back after SIX years wanting to reconcile.

He'd moved on, found a lovely woman he's very happy with, but it did throw him for a while.

Believer - have you thought about dating him and seeing where it leads. You don't have to have him back in the house but you could go for a meal or go bowling. Am I the only nutter who feels a bit sorry for him?

The thing is you don't need him now. Your kids are grown and you are financially independent. It's quite sad though when someone finally 'gets it' but it's probably too late. TT

Same here.....my EX wanted to come back 2yrs into my NEW marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She said "I never wanted a divorce". I was like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> .....I guess an imposter that looked like you handed me the divorce papers to sign.

The only reason my EX came running back (way too late)....is that her married OM decided to stay married. She waited on him for 2yrs and he kept giving her excuses and kept her hanging on a string.

Anyhow, Im remarried, and there is NO WAY I would have given up my wonderful wife for my EX (yuck).

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

B - I am not surprised, you are a catch and the fantasy can not last in real life

Jelly

Hi B,



I know what you mean...

((((((((((((((((B))))))))))))))))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He really said that?

He's still in denial, perhaps. Even if you were willing, not ready for prime time.

Ditto Cy on Pittman's book. I refer to it often in my personal recovery as a source of insight. As time proceeds and I heal, more and more of his insights suddenly seem to have deeper meanings. Of course they haven't changed, rather I'm healing and am better able to recognize them.

JMHO

WAT

Believer, I don't usually post on your threads but this jumped out at me. I can't believe he actually thought you'd consider taking him back!! If I had left my H for OM and 3 years went by and it didn't work out, I wouldn't for a second think my H would want me back. He must be nuts!! He's really grasping at straws here. Obviously, he is looking back on good times with you and thinking he could go back to that, like going back into a comfort zone. Does he not get he complelety shattered what "was" back then and it could never ever be the same???? I'm just shocked as he** over here!! Good for you for not even considering it. He doesn't deserve you anymore. Besides, how much would you want to bet that if you did take him back, down the road he wouldn't respect you. Not to mention, you wouldn't be able to respect yourself for taking him back.

Not that it matters, cuz it's not gonna happen! lol

I have to ask, how the heck do you even open that conversation? And why choose your workplace to have it?

B--

I know you have been at this for a long time, and it is your attitude here that has helped me tremendously in terms of the big picture and how I view it.

I wanted to comment on this:


Whatever happened to taking responsibility for his actions? He should be asking why didn't HE try to save the marriage. My stbxh said the same thing to me one time--even though friends told him what he was doing was wrong. It is like he and your stbxh think it is everyone else's responsibility.

I know you say you have moved on--and I believe it 100% that you don't want to take him back now--and I understand so very well because I am at the same point--but I also understand that twinge, so to say, that you feel when they ask again to come back--it's the whole senselessness of it all that stings I think at moments like that--and the fact that you, like me, probably are a fixer and a peacemaker.

When I feel that twinge I analyze what he said in the context of coming back--and there are always those "blaming" comments meant to not take full responsibility--or those comments about OW that show a hint of care--can't handle those--those comments actually make my stomach feel ill and make me uncomfortable.

I think you are such a strong woman and I admire you for the strengh and forgiveness you have shown.

Intexas

Hi, B, just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry he's still trying to mess with your life. How rude of him! Sounds like that wayward selfishness still exists.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want him back...

You go girl! You are wonderful and the dew times we have talked you are wonderfully strong. I think you're doing a great job of making a life for yourself!

I knew it, I knew he'd ask you that!

Yes, it ends, the same with my XWH. He's alone and down and unhappy more than ever...
(One difference with him though... he never stopped asking me to reconcile... neither during D, nor after... all these 3 years he "expected us to be back together"... without changing any single thing... and now he says - "well, she's not around any more and you should be happy now"... Like 3 years have done no harm to my heart, my love, my whole life... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

That fact of the matter is that you could restore your marriage again if you choose to and be happy. Sometimes it takes 2 yrs, sometimes 4 yrs...but we know that most A's end eventurally. Your H could have a complete turn around and be faithful for the rest of your lives. He could once again become the H you loved and you could even have a better marriage than pre-A.

You know you're done and that is your choice. Harley does says that, in the end, it is the BS's who usually end up being the biggest hinderance to the possibility of reconciliation.

Did you give any serious thought to telling him to put his money where his mouth is and restore your pre-A financial status/restitution...then you might think about it?

A's are painful and in most reconciliations there's lots of crappy things that we have to swallow and eventually forgive in order to be happy together again. For me, it was worth it to restore our family, even though our kids were mostly grown. I think it helped the kids get an idea of what commitment and 'for better for worse' can look like.

But all of us, individually, have to decide if it is worth all the work to get over all the bad stuff that we experienced during their A's. I understand the choice not to, but, even you too could fall back in love with your H, Believer.

It is your choice. He may not be worth the risk though; there are no guarantees.

He owes you lots and lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

and he says WHAT about that?

nada, right?

*phoey*

Pep