I know how you feel Madwyn, honestly.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess. Leaving the house and running away will honestly make it harder to stop the madness, not easier.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying Madwyn. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to tolerate your wifes evil affair while choking down your pain in fear like MIKE did ( click here) . His example is a cautionary tale as to what can happen if you don't take a stand. Caution is not your friend right now. I KNOW this.
2. Divorce your WW while you are in pain and not thinking straight. Even God ( He cares for you at thi stime, even if you don't care for Him) allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn't remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
madwyn your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to GET HOME , reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides permanently now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge Madwyn ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life. Understand that NOTHING YOU CAN DO can make you lose your wife any more than she is already lost to you.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the self pity. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Mel, Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.
Then start to identify people in OMslife that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Also have you exposed to your wifes' family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool.

In case you don't believe I have been where you are, HERE is my story along with the FANTASTIC advice I got from the wise ones.

I don't stop by here often but If I can help you can find me.

I leave you with a question : "What would you do if you weren't afraid ?"

Bobpure, thanks,

I appreciate the words of wisdom and the caring and empathy. It all sucks right now and I just don't know what to do. I will re-read your thoughts in the morning and try to understand more. I am nt sure I have the will to march home and sya [censored] everything, this is where we are and lets deal with it. I have a very solid month scheduled with the kids and work, and I want to give the couples counseling a chance so I can see what she has to say and maybe get a feel for where we are headed.

I will write more tomorrow. I am exhausted and overwhelmed at the supprt and addvice I have received tonight. Some I agree with, some I just don't know. I do know I want to be married to my wife and have my family for the rest of my life.

There is no 'marching home'. Thats a lovebuster. Go home and say "I realise that this is my home, and I want to be here. I said I'd stay around for better or for worse. This is 'worse' but I want to be here anyway."

Your anger and indignation must be locked up or controlled at least for a while yet, Madwyn. Its about locking up your "taker" and training your giver to end her affair.

Study. Knowledge is your friend. I know this.

I just can't not post to you, Madwyn.
Reading what you are writing and what some "pros"as they are called here are writing to you puts this icky feeling in my stomach because that was me a year ago--I didn't move out, but WH did to sort things out week by week.

Oh yeah--and he agreed to go to counseling.

Let me tell you about the counseling--WH brought a 3 page list of all my faults and reasons we should not be together. That was his idea of counseling. I didn't know it for sure then, but he was in an A, and it is the TRUTH I PROMISE that when they are in an A, counseling means nothing. I did not believe this before, but now I do. The couselor even later told me that when a married person is in an A, it is senseless to come and see him.

You don't believe these things because in your mind you are in survival mind--your WW surprised the heck out of you and turned your world upside down in one moment, and then gives you a plan--her plan mind you--to fix what she did. And you take it--as so many of us have--because of fear.

Bottom line it is fear. Unexplicitly fear. I remember that fear. Can still to this day feel it in every new poster. Fear that YOU wlll be the one to do the wrong thing and make her not want you anymore. Fear that you'll lose her. Lose the family and life that is yours. Oh, I so understand this. It is paralyzing. It makes you do things you otherwise might not have done.

Like leave. The harsher posters as well as the more sympathetic ones are all right on here--you need to go home. Not in a week. Could you hindsight handle knowing she spent one more week with OM in any shape or fashion? You say you want to wait a week, but again, when people here tell you the counseling will do no good, they are 100% right. SO go home, and if you still want counseling, go. Moving out is not a prereqisite to counseling.

If you are anything like me, you are reading what people write to you here and are thinking "what do they really know. THey don't know her or me or what is best for OUR situation." I thought that at first as well (in the exposure realm for sure)--but what I finally realized is they do know because they have been there. I also realized that all affairs are really similar. It's a script the WS's follow. I didn't believe that at first either. But it is true. Wish I could find a way to make you believe these things the easy way, instead of having you learn them the hard way later. Your pain is enough right now. You don't need anymore.

Bobpure said to study--do! Study here and really learn the ins and outs of infidelity. My marriage is not recovered, but I feel like I know a lot about A's and their makeup. It's power to know these things.

You haven't spoke much about your marriage pre-A. That's a good starting point for you.


I hope you had a rested night and can see a bit clearer now. It's a rough ride ahead, but there is a lot of support here.

Intexas

What you have done by moving out is said "[censored] everything." Because that will be the effect if you move out. There is absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON to move out. It can only harm any chance you have of saving your marriage and dramatically increase your risk of divorce.

Counseling cannot undo the damage you will have caused by moving out and leaving your family. Go home, my friend, you are making a huge strategic mistake.

Madwyn,

If you doubt our advice regarding the urgent need to move back into your home, just ask "Good Father" how his strong willed wayward wife used lies and deceit to keep Good Father out of his home to further her affair. The very first week-end he was gone, she had her affair partner come stay the week-end for a shag-fest.

Most posters on your thread have been here a very long time and have seen and supported hundreds if not thousands of the same story play out again and again.

Please seriously consider our advice.

Jo

Read what In-Texas wrote above, Madwyn. PLEASE, PLEASE take heed!

thanks intexas,

You are right, I have not spent much time talking about our marriage before this all happened.

WE have been married 12 years. She worked until I was recruited by a tech company and we moved to Seattle. Stay at home mom now for 6 years. We were so good together. WE knew how to have fun, to make fun, to be fun together. She is/was my best friend. ******, I even have sex dreams about her (as opposed to supermodels or whatever).

We had friends/couple go through a nasty divorce this past year and as recent as 6 months ago we would often comment to each other that we were so glad we were so happy and that we didn’t have any of those problems. During our recent conversations she has said that the problem wasn’t her EA but it was us before she ever even met the other guy. She said I had become distant, checked-out, and that I had become short and impatient with the kids. She actually said she had thought about divorce as a way to have me see the kids less frequently because then they would get all the positive energy from me without the daily negatives.

So this all seems to have come up in the past 6 months. If she could have been honest with me about the EA and given me the details to deal with it and make my own recovery, then I think we wouldn’t be here today. I guess she is in “the fog” as I have seen many of you say. I am confident the EA is over. The other guy has moved on to another married woman in the school district. He seems to have made it clear he doesn’t want the hassles involved in the affairs where people actually care and react, he would rather go for the quiet, unobtrusive ones under the radar. I have been monitoring all forms of communication and I have not found any contact since July 14th. I talk to my kids several times a day and my 11yo daughter would tell me if there were anything going on.

Right now I think she is just so pissed at me for embarrassing her to everyone. She told me she doesn’t want to go to school to drop the kids off together on the 1st day of school because she is embarrassed to be seen with me. I get to face many of the parents that hate me next weekend when I take my son to a B-day party where they will all be. I am somewhat ashamed I sent the exposure e-mail anonymously, but I am not sorry that everyone knows. What baffles me is how they can tell her to hold her head high and not be ashamed and that I am now the bad guy in all this. The tables have turned to where it seems OK my wife was doing terribly inappropriate things with another man outside our marriage and me fighting to keep my marriage has made me evil.

I know of at least 3 occasions she was with him till early AM hours,, including the night our “friend” agreed to have the kids spend the night so my wife could go to his house till 4AM. Now you tell me, as a married person, would it ever be OK to go spend the night at someone of the opposite sex’ house while your spouse was out of town, for any reason? And then hide it and lie about it? She swears that she was capable of going over and hanging out, watching movies and just talking with there being any sex. I am having a hard time accepting that, and she gets really angry that I won’t believe her.

As far as going home, I am a quivering mass of jello. I just can’t do it today. I know everyone of you has said “GO HOME NOW”, but I just cant today. I don’t want to put the kids through it. I want to wait till Tuesday after school starts so we can talk/fight/yell/argue without the kids being there. I want to go to the 1st couples counseling session to se what she has to say and to se if any other sessions are going to be of any use.

God, I love my wife and I don’t know what I will do if I lose her. She has been my rock for over 12 years. I want to be a family and be there for EVERY moment of my kids lives. I want to be her friend, to hold her, to make love to her, to just be able to touch her in the night, to talk about the little stuff that happens every day. I want to live, and right now the pain is so much I just feel like I am existing by the minute. I would never consider anything drastic so please don’t post back about thoughts of ending it or whatever. I want to see my kids grow up and revel in their lives and I would never do anything to change that. If I am not married to my wife, it won’t change my feelings about my children, they are everything.

Thank you to all who have replied to my suffering. Every reply gives me some measure of hope.

" I want to wait till Tuesday after school starts so we can talk/fight/yell/argue without the kids being there."

HUH?

All you have to do is keep your mouth closed. If she yells at you in front of your kids while you are saying nothing back, then she's the one not looking out for your children.

Control your own actions. Dont take the blame, or consequences, for someone else's actions.

Go Home. If you want to hold off discussing things with your wife until tuesday.. great for you. But meantime, go home.

Are you taking AD's? That should help with the concentration. Before I started taking them, I found I could stare at my patio cover for 5 or 6 hours not ever knowing why.

Separation from your wife is not so she can get her head together - it is so she can continue her affair without your interference. At this point in your journey, separation is the worst thing you could do for your marriage IMO.

There is hope for your marriage and your family. Keep reading and posting here.

Get yourself on anti-depressants immediately, see your doctor. It will help you cope and make sound decisions for your children.

We all know how devistating this is. Most, if not all of us have gone thru it. So thats why we're telling you what steps to take because we know you are FROZEN in fear.

Please keep reading. If you do you'll see how many have experienced precisely what you are at this very moment.

Don't try and reinvent the wheel here, we know the best path to follow.

First thing for you is anti-deps, then back into your home with your children who need you.

Maning up is about taking care of yourself and your children. Even though you may think you don't have the strength, you DO have it in you.

Prayers,
Jo

I got a RX last week for Lexapro and clonazapram for anxiety. Also got some Trazadone to help me sleep through the night.

I have been reading and guess I have been unknowingly working on some of plan A. Would love some more feedback on Plan A and what I can do on the "carrott" side of the plan.

Going to try to take my kids camping tomorrow night. Will definately post on what the wife has to say about that.

Hope all are having a decent holiday weekend. Wish mine were better.

Madwyn - I hope you and your kids have a wonderful time camping. Being with them will give you the strength you need to haul yourself back home - of that I am sure.

The anxiety and stress you are feeling right now will calm down in time but at the moment you are probably overwhelmed by your emotions. It HONESTLY gets better. Believe in yourself, don't look too needy (even if it is an act), read up on Plan A and get back home as soon as possible.

Thanks tucktummy,

I really hope you are right and it gets better. I do not know what wifes reaction is going to be when I tell her I want to take the kids camping. Guess I will cross that bridge when I get there. I am really trying to be strong and to follow thru on the suggestions form all the wonderful replies I have received. I do trully apprecate how much all of you have done and siad so far and I am counting on more support as all this unfolds.

Thank you.

MadWyn,

You have more control of the situation than you know. We're here to help you learn how to tap into that.

And it only gets better because you take back your power and make it better. If you just let your wife trample over the top of you by being FROZEN in FEAR, then you're taking the victim role. Don't let that happen.

Jo

i do not want to be the victim and this seems to be the only place I ma getting any support and guidance that makes sense right now. I am indeed in FEAR and I am trying to get through it and get to a place of strength. I am sure you all know how hard that is. I am working at it.

I will take control.... when is the question. When can I get past the deep fear and feeling of absolute zero control over anything in my life.

It will come. I am strong and have always been able to deal with the tough stuff. I will this time with helpo from all of you.

I don't believe we get through fear...past it...leaving it behind.

I believe we experience our true strength by knowing and holding our fear, and acting anyway.

The more we do this, the real size of fear becomes evident...from a giant towering over us to a small child, in our arms...

Seeing your choice, your human choice, in what you think, believe, how you perceive and view your life...find all the tiny choices you make and you will know your power...what you can control and what is not in your control...

You can do this, MW...no doubt. We've been where you are.

You're not alone.

LA

Madwyn, what are you most afraid of? Is it your wife? Can you explain a little more about that?

I would also point out that it is not you that has anything to be embarrassed about in all this, but rather your wife. I don't believe for a minute that the other parents "hate" you for exposing your wife. That sounds like a silly story made up by an embittered wayward wife. Nor do I believe she is embarrassed to "be seen with you, but rather is embarrassed to be seen since everyone knows about her sleazy behavior. Believe me, women do not usually blame the victim like that, especially when the vicimizer is a fellow female. This all sounds like a manufactured story designed to punish you.

Secondly, MW, I think it is real important for you to understand this very simple truth about women. Women do not RESPECT men they can run over. For many of us, our LOVE is directly contingent upon the RESPECT we feel for our husband. So, when you get the urge to appease her by allowing her to run over you, just remember that it is actually working against you. It won't cause her to LOVE you, but will rather, incite disgust and disrespect.

I am in fear that the life I have planned and dreamed is crashing down around me and that it will all be trgically different than what I had planned and dreamed. I am in fear that I will loose my wife and I love her deeply, regardless of the pain she is inflicting on me now. I am in fear of not being there for every minute of my childrns growing up. I am in fear the pain I feel will never stop.

She amintains that the friends are disgusted with me for the actions I took and do not want to have anything to do with me. I guess we will see next Sunday. I do know that the whole community has now seen the exposure e-mail and I do know she is embarassed. I ma sure it is not just about me, but she does not want to be seen with me right now. That will have to change as school begins and I attend all the activities.

I am slowly resolving in my gut and brain that the only person I can control right now is me and I am getting much better at thinking through my actions and behaviors. I can tell it is geting better because I feel less need for the anti-anxiety meds the doc prescribed. We wil see what today brings.