. . . last night I agreed to a one month separation and we sat the kids (11 & 7) down and explained the situation.

We talked it through and began to make strong progress over the next 2 months. I began individual counseling and she actually saw the counselor twice but quit going because she didn't feel like she had anything to talk about to the counselor and that we were talking well together. We attended a Gottman weekend seminar and found it very helpfull.

But I began to get more detailed info from people about the extent of their relationship and that she was not being honest with me about it even though I asked many differnet times and ways to ellicit the truth.

I should have tuned out those wnating to "help" and worked with my wife and counselor, but I didn't. I read advice about exposing hte affair and so I sent an anonymous e-mail to a number of people about the other man and what had happened. Well, that got forwarded like wild fire and someone suggested I had done it. I finally had to admit to my wife that I had indeed been that stupid, but that I loved her so much I did something I wish I could take back a hundred times.

Long and short of it, she told me she needed me to leave so she could cool down and figure out if she could ever love me again. So here I am, separated from my wife, kids, and hole for 30 days (all of Sept.)

To new betrayed spouses. I hope you are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path in dealing with your new challenge.

I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like affair First Aid, or a life preserver - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.

This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about for many months. I believe this to be consistent with Marriage Builders principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.

OK, here it is:

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.

Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can directly do to separate the affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it. The fact is that there may be almost nothing you can do right now to make it better but there is a WHOLE LOT you can do to make it worse. On the other hand, there is a LOT you can do indirectly to compel the affairees to end the affair on their own. Read this post and all its responses: On revealing the affair to the light of day

Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1. Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research. If caught, you will be accused of "invading my privacy!" Respond, "No, I was revealing your secrecy." In some cases, contacting the OP may be beneficial, but in other cases, a disaster. Read this post and all it's responses: On contacting the OP

Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!

Rule 6: Do not recruit your spouse's family in an attempt to "help." If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support - if you get it anyway, consider it a bonus. Blood IS thicker than mud. Read this post and all its responses: On involving/informing the WS's family

Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse.

Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites like this one, and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.

Rule 9: In ongoing affairs, if your spouse's OP is also married, consider informing the OP's spouse if you know their identity. The purpose for this is to reveal the affair on the other side which may motivate the OP to end it. This should not be done without guidance. Read this post and all its responses: On informing OP's spouse of the affair

Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of affairees are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair.

WAT

As for the other man, I know she is not seeing or communicating with him, and she would NEVER let him near our house. She is a mother bear when it comes to our kids and that would never fly, especially with our 11 year old daughter around, she would throw a hysterical fit. In fact, several of my friends called the other man and told him to get lost. He called my wife and told her they were not talking/seeing each other ever again. She called me in a rage because she thought it was me.

I want to go home, believe me, but we talked for an hour yesterday about respect and integrity. I agreed to stay at my brothers for a month and she agreed to counseling once a week thru the end of the year. I don't know that I want to give up the counseling.

My wife is using the kids as a "chip" in the negotiations and making me feel like the bad guy at every turn. One f them was: "If you love your kids it will be you who leave."

She explained that we can play a lot of it off as business travel (she is a stay at home mom)

MadWyn - I hope you realize that your walking away from your wife and children and marital home CAN and WILL be seen as abandonment under the law.

It won't matter what your reason was for leaving.

If you want your family, GO HOME NOW.
Mulan

and also that if she left they would be confused and devestated

and if I made her take the kids and leave that would be even more devastating to them.

She has agreed to go to counseling once a week for the rest of the year if I agre to this one month separation.

I do know that the EA is over.

I have freinds who confronted the OM and I am now told he has moved on to another married woman in the school district. I have checked all communication methods and nothing since July 14th. This is the day I and a few other guys in the neighborhood called him.

We were doing OK together until I decided I had to expose the Afair and got caught out in a lie (I said it wasn't me).

I just want to find some level of trust and work from that and keepeing my word about the one month separation and being respectful seem to be part of acheiving that.

No matter what, GOD I HURT!