madwyn

Do you think than ANY OF US who moved to do the brave and righteous thing didn;t feel paralysed by our fear before we took action ?

The folks on these boards kicked my @rse into exposing the affair to OMS GF when my EVERY MOLECULE screamed it would make my situation even worse.

But you know what ? It was the dagger in the spine of the affair.

I know what it feels like to be scared of making things worse. But here's what I realised and what I hope YOU will realise :

You already lost your baby. She cannot be MORE lost to you. She is abroad in an evil wilderness of her own making right now. Your passivity will only make that sadness linger.

Nothing you did forced your baby to have an affair, nothing you can do now will force her to maintain that affair or end it.

The proven method for dealing with your situation is to work on YOU, which as a by-product can also help the affair to end and recovery to begin.

Only YOU have the potential to be rational in a f*cked up situation.

Almost ALL affairs end, so what you should do is invest in yourself in way that make you an attractive spouse and DO NOT assist the affair.

These behaviours include :

Exposure - to expose the bindings of the affair to the light of scrutiny by the infidels loved ones
Plan A - to make sure that your WW cannot fail to recognise the great spouse you were, are and can become.
Study MB - learn marital diplomacy and he fundamentals of lovebusters, emotional needs and POJA. This lays secure foundations in your rebuilding marriage.

And lock up your taker - that the needy part of yourself that makes you feel pathetic, hard done by and unloved right now. Its no use to you at this point in your life.

Also invest in yourself - look and smell GREAT, dress well, LIVE well - if your WW won;t join you for social time, go out with friends looking and smelling GREAT. Is fun AND it kills WS with jealousy ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And at some point when you kick this process off you will feel a satisfying itch in your right hand...as the control joystick passes to you from your WW.

Study and do the right thing. whether you rescue you rmarriage or not, you'll have your reflection for a real long time. Do these things right and you'll like that reflection a whole lot. I know this.

All blessings.

Madwyn, you are not "weak and afraid". You are a typical BS dealing with their partner's affair.

You are worried about breaking your part of the deal. You are not used to breaking your word. You made an agreement to stay out of the house for one month and you know your wife will be pi**ed with you for going back on your word. But really, what is to gain by being away. You're miserable, the kids are miserable and I say your wife is outnumbered on this occasion.

This is much too early in the game to separate. The worst case scenario is you move in, she moves out. If she is desperate for space to work things out, then so be it. I hope she doesn't. I hope she has the fortitude to stay, get through the rough times and deal with the consequences of her actions. But if she goes, reality will smack her in the face.

None of us are perfect and marriages do become mundane. But you are NOT TO BLAME for her terrible choices. Believe in yourself. Maybe you'll soon be 'NotsoMadWyn'!! Take care. TT

This post caught my eye. I am the only one fighting to keep it together. My wife is having the affair and has not and does not seem interested in breaking the tie. I negotiated councelling before I would consider separation. Now the time has come to decide. She needs her space and I will not leave the house, she will need to find her own place. She currently has no job and we are in debt worse than ever. She loves to have the best and I have gave it to her. Do I let her go and hope she comes back? She told the counceller what she wanted to hear and was back talking with the OM the next day....I want to fight but I am doing it by myself. She is a good womon, but she is thick in the fog and needs to get herself straight. Do I let her find her own place and realize the OM will not work out (I know this t be true) and hope she comes back? Or do I continue the fight the good fight? I am ready to let her go, the emotional drain over the past few weeks has been exausting, and I cannot keep doing it alone if she is not willing to try at all. She knows that she has no place or money right now and I think she is doing only what she has to (B.S. me into thinking there is hope) Seriously I am so confused after reading this. I thought I had it figured out, let her go and hope she comes back was what I decided yesterday, now?? Thoughts???

t2SI

You must open the door and let your wife leave or stay by her own volition, but set personal boundaries first.

My own dear squid only stayed with me initially because OM was a wastrel and could not provide for her BUT love returned once she stayed home and stayed in no contact with OM.

You need to decide what your inviolable personal boundaries are.

mine are :

NC for life
Transparency in activity
Investment in me and our marriage

If any of these are persistently broken I will move myself from that position of being abused. I told Squid this, and also said that I was not forcing her to stay home and do anyting against her will. See, many WS like to be able to say they were forced or coerced to stay and that breeds even more entitled resentment.

You can tell her, as I told Squid, that she is free to go abandon our kids and live with OM if she wants, and I was also free to wait as shor or long as I want before ending our marriage, and also she would not be able to introduce our children to OM on pain of immediate divorce.

Note these are not threats, they are PERSONAL boundaries - limits as to how I will be treated, not forcing Squid to do anything she doesn't want.Just letting her know that there are consequences to her decisions.

I hope this helps.

T2SI,

When was your Dday? You registered yesterday but I can't see when your Dday was.

Tucktummy, I know you are right, adn everyone else. I am moving home Saturday. The timeline works. I am out of town for the next two days, Friday I am taking my son to a Mariners game (and he is staying with me that night, and then Saturday WW goes to a wedding (she is the wedding coordinator) and is gone for the Weekend. I will be at the house with the kids so it will be easy to just move my stuff back in and not leave at that point. But I am in Anchorage on business for 3 days (Mon/Tues/WEd) and I am afraid she will change the locks or something else drastic.

Anyway, thanks to you and BobPure and Resilient, and Melody, and all of you, I am choosing to take care of me and my children first. I am still a ball of frozen fear and really struggling with what is to come. I am looking forward to Thursday couples counseling to see what she has to say.

Good for you. You won't regret it. TT

Awesome, Mad!!!

If she changes the locks while you're away, you may need to break a window to get back inside your own home.

It's YOUR home!!!

You will find stength in action.

Keep posting!

Madwyn.... I know your fighting the right right, but get a lawyer to bless all your moves. Document everything have witnesses to everything said and done. If you move in or go back to the house with her there have a friend go with you as a witness. Only let them go when you feel safe that she wont pull any crap on you....

by crap I mean calling the cops and saying your being aggressive or abusive, remember she is going to be pissed and will do thing you wouldn't recoginize from your W, but WW always play the greatest victim roles to the hilt.

Sadly, most marriage counselors are not interested in the hard work it takes to put a marriage back together, because so few people are willing to do the hard work that it requires.

Therefore, "marriage counselors" teach you how to avoid conflict, keep things quiet at home, sweep everything under the rug in order not to aggravate the WS, and help you get a divorce and feel good about it. This is considered success by most people.

On the other hand, a PRO-Marriage counselor, like the Harleys here on this site, WILL give you a plan to put your marriage back together and strengthen its boundaries so affairs don't happen again. But this goes against conventional wisdom, which encourages people to pursue individual happiness at the expense of the marriage.

This is why the divorce rate in the Western world is astronomical.
Mulan

Trying To Save It:

You deserve your own thread. (Welcome to MB, by the way. And sorry you have to be here.)

The General Questions section gets a lot of traffic. People will be helpful to you and you will receive more individual attention to your posts.

So glad you have found Marriagebuilders.

I'm so glad you're going back home.

You simply must stop being afraid of her anger. She is absolutely counting on it. Her anger lets her control and bully you into submission, so she's very comfortable using it - and you can be sure she'll try using it again, since it's always worked very well in the past.

And when you start being afraid of what she might do - "She might get mad! She might tell me it's over! She might - " Please ask yourself what she might do or say that could possibly be worse than dumping your children with a friend so she can go screw another man.

She's ALREADY done that. You have NOTHING to lose by going home and letting her get as mad and screaming as she wants.

She WILL try this and you SHOULD expect it. Then sit back and watch the shock when her bullying doesn't work this time.

She's only making herself look extremely bad and she knows this. You have done NOTHING wrong except move out, but you're about to remedy that.

Hang in there. Your children need you.
Mulan

Bravo, Madwyn! You are doing the right thing and I think you have a good plan. You don't need a lawyer to got to your own home. When she comes home from her trip, simply tell her this is your home and you aren't going anywhere. If she pitches a fit and makes the tyical idle threats, offer her a backrub to calm her down and wish her well. But, whatever you do, don't let her manipulate you with a FIT.

You will be just fine!

Excellent news, Mad. You RAWK!

Just know she'll put up a big fight. She may even call the police based on a trumped up allegation she manufactures, so have your tactics ready. Like someone else mentioned, perhaps go talk to an attorney regarding your rights before you move back in.

Remember, you are in Plan A, BUT .. you are NOT a doormat.

Rules of Enagagement:

- Do not participate in arguments with her, respond "I can see how you'd feel that way"
- Do try and meet the needs she will allow
- Take care of yourself because you are important
- No relationship talks
- No taking blame
- No verbal agreement to anything of legal consequence
- No bringing your WW here to MB
- No trying to educate her on MB principles or anything else morally or ethically speaking
- Eat, sleep, work and enjoy your children

Okay, thats a good list for starters.

I know this took alot of courage Mad, I've worn your shoes.

Keep posting.

Jo

Good choice madwyn.

Study hard between now and then. You'll need to be a plan A king when she comes home madder than a fish.

You can do this.

Bob? Fish get mad?

LovinAnyway
Can you take a look in regreted post? the last one?

Thanks for the advise. Today was D-Day actually 1 hour ago to be exact. She asked me for the separation, and I gave it to her. I hope that she gets her head screwed back on straight and comes back to us. This will be a rough month, she is moving into the basement (finished off) and will reside there untl she gets a job and has money to find her own place. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I feel stronger now. She was killing me inside knowing she did not feel the same about me, and she set me free. I will use this time wisely myself as well and will actively be seeking friends to help me cope and move on while she figures her life out. I love her more today than I ever have and she knows that for a fact. She also knows that I am not waiting around so she can have this fling and think all will be fine later because it wont be. We have financial obligations to attend to tonight and figure out how we will deal with the bills. I am taking over financial control of the house because I have the only income next to her unemployment and child support she receives, so this is going to be interesting. I will post my own post tommorrow and start my healing process with it. Thanks everyone here for your kind words and advise it has helped me to get through the rough times and be a much stronger person.

OK, several of you have posted that I should seek legal counsel to see what rights I have in WA. My IC (who will also be couples counselor) also recommended I get a consultation so I understand my rights in hte great (ha!?) state of WA. I have an appointment Thursday with a family law attorney she suggested (and was highly suggested by a number of other people) to discuss my rights and options.

I am begining a timeline tonight so I have everything documented. This will serve as sort of a catharsis for me, geting it all down on paper, just the facts, not and objective or conjecture.

Its an English saying res. "mad as a fish out of water" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />