MadWyn,

A person in an affair (your wife) will say the most egregious lies to deflect all responsibility of having an affair upon the betrayed spouse (you).

Just because she SAYS it, does not make it true.

You've allowed your wife far too much control over you. Its time to take it back.

As long as she keeps you frozen in this fear she will be able to manipulate you with her words and actions to further her deceitful behavior to continue her illicit affair.

Hold your head high, you are not to blame, you have done NOTHING to deserve any of this.

Jo

madwyn, are you mostly afraid of your wife's anger? Isn't that what is driving all your reactionary decision making right now? Because even though you claim to be afraid of losing your marriage, you do the one thing that is most likely to effect a divorce: you move out. You claim to be afraid of not being there to raise your children, and what do you do? You move out so that you are not there to raise your children.

That tells me that your greatest fear is not any of that, but rather fear of her anger because all of your actions only serve to make your fears come true. But what your actions DO ACHEIVE is to assuage the anger of a bully and a tyrant who wants to destroy your family.

So, I would examine what your greatest fear truly is, MW, because I don't believe you correctly identified it.

MadWyn,

How are things? How are you doing?

Jo

well, just got back from a camping trip overnight with the kids. it was great, we had time together to just hang out and throw rocks on the river and make jiffy pop and s'mores, and bacon for breakfast. My kisds opened up a little and they are scared as well. They have a calendar that has the "Daddy" schedule on it. It was truly a great night, no cell service so we coldnt be interupted, and we had the fire and jsut us.

I am not sure what I am most afriad of. I will be seeing IC tomorrow to talk about all I have read and heard here and to discuss the separation/moving hime isseue. I just don;t know what to do. I keep geting little "bombs" dropped on me that make so angry about her A. When we talked today she accused me of paving the path we are on and I said I thought it took both of us to help pave this path. Surprise, she agreed that it took two and it would take two to recover. I don't know if thats good becauase I live in fear she is going to say she doensnt want to work on it and that will be that.

I have to be out of town on business tomorow noight and not back toill lat the following. 1st Couple Counseling will be Thursday at 12:00.

How am I doing? I am a mess. I have been taking the anti-anxieties to keep myself calm and trying nt to let my imagination run wild. I am trying to focus on what the kids need more than anything, and tomorrow I need to find a way to focus on work ALOT! I am taking my daughter to school for her first day in the morning and then kissing my son off so Mom can take him because she is embarrased to have me go to the school with her.

I will make it through tonight and tomorow is another day.

So happy to hear you had a great time with your children, Mad.

Your wife is right, [/i]eventually[/i] it takes two to recover and rebuild your marriage from this affair.

But because your wife will most likely be resistent to any cooperation in this effort as she is still cheating, for right now you can use the Plans (A & B) that Harley recommends to work your side of this very painful and difficult situation, which only takes ONE, YOU.

Don't be surprised if your counselor doesn't know about Harley's principles, or about exposure. I certainly hope you have a therapist that is PRO-Marriage. If not, get a new one.

Are you taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, or both?

Jo

Mad,

Have you considered its possible your wife is being accompanied by OM when she takes your son to school tomorrow and THATS why she doesn't want you tagging along?

Jo

Hello Jo,

Both, Lexapr and clonazapram (sp?). I do not know what to expect on Thursday (1st couple counseling). I do know she is still very angry with me for the exposure and is using it to hold out the "this could be the end" cards. I tried to be nice when I dropped of the kids today, but she made it obvious she just wnated me to leave.

I found out today that the other man was in a boating accident with his roommate (he rents a room from a guy in the school district). The Roomate was apparently hurt very badly, and the other man broke some ribs (wish it had been the other way around). Anyway I also found out that that my wife and her f'ed up friend (the one who watched my j=kids so Wife could go spend the night at other mans house) went to visit the roomamte in hospital.

Well, I blew it and called her this afternoon and asked her if she thought it was better I find these things out from elsewhere and that the hurt, or that maybe she should have said "hey, I am doing this and what you to know". Of course she got extreemly angry and refused to talk about it.

I am still hurting and still very lost in the fog. I hope I can find a way to make this week go by as smoothly as possible.

no way Jo, there will be a million people there that will tell me if there is anything going on. I am also confident that my kids have never even been introduced to him. I will ask my 11 year old, she knows all.

So how are you going to keep this dirtbag OM from going to your home where your children are when you aren't there to protect them?

I would explain to her that this is her personal issue to deal with and not yours. You and your son should not suffer for her proclaimed "embarrassment" so I would not let her manipulate you with this. There is no reason at all for you not to take your son to school. If she is "embarrassed" then she needs to grow up.

Is your counselor PRO-Marriage? Unfortunately, many counselors are NOT pro-marriage and don't have the slightest understanding of the dynamics of an affair. This is why most counseling causes MORE HARM than good. Just beware of this counselor, because are pretty useless.

Unfortunately, I do not even know what a PRO-mariage counselor is? I really like this woman and her bio says she uses a bunch of different methods to diagnose and treat. She has said she wants to create a measurable plan of recovery and has counseled me htat wife will be in a differenr plnace and that it taks time and both of us to make it work.

I'll repeat my question:

MadWyn,

How are you going to keep this dirtbag OM from going to your home where your children are when you aren't there to protect them?

I don't know! I honestly dont think he is in the picture and longer, word is he moved on to e new woman, but its killing me not to be able to do what you all want me to do. Even if I packed up right now and returned home, I would be gone for the next 2 nights on business. I hear you all, I dont have the guts or fortitude or whatever to move home right now. Iam weak and afraid.........

A MC who is not pro-marriage is one who will help her client FACILIATE divorce when they express such an interest. Rather than help them recover the MARRIAGE, the counselor will help them get DIVORCED. Most MC know little to nothing about dealing with infidelity and don't have the slightest idea how to bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce after an affair. Dr. Harley DOES. Many will waste time going off into the la-la land of "childhood issues," which is a costly waste of time. Dr. Harley is EXTREMELY successful, whereas most MC have extremely high FAILURE rates.

Madwyn, you are no different from anyone else here. We were all scared to death to move into action. But once we did make those moves, we were no longer afraid becasue we knew we could trust ourselves to ACT when it was necessary. As BobPure once said, I changed from a SERF into a KNIGHT once I took action.

You really can't afford right now to cater to your fears. Its' one thing to FEEL afraid, its another entirely to ALLOW it to paralyze you. You simply don't have that luxury right now and have an obligation to MOVE PAST THIS FEAR for the sake of your children and your marriage. You are the only sane adult in your children's lives and they need their father to take ACTION to save their family.

You DO have the guts and fortitude to move back home. YES YOU DO.

All I can say is the same..Go Home!
A day, let alone a month apart will not help anything. It WILL only give her the room she needs to continue her EA, or at least go out looking for another.

I'm sorry you have to be here...but please listen to the other posters and go home and be with your family.

Your son needs you to be strong, to be there for him. I know I don't have to ask this, but doesn't he matter more than all your fear and all your wife's threats. Think about it.

When you get home from your business trip Mad, I think you should drive straight home where you are needed.

Feel the fear but do it anyway.

Jo

Madwyn--
It's the truth--the fear you're fealing, while it is so real I can feel it for you right now--you HAVE to push it aside--stand through the pain of it all--right now for the sake of your family. I am sure this seems all so terribly unfair, but you HAVE to do it. The other option is easier, but from here on out, the easy road is not an option in your marriage. This is just step one of a long process you have ahead of you--ALL worth it regardless of the outcome.

I say regardless of the outcome because I think one of your fears is really losing it all--having an unreconciled M. We all fear that--heck, that is what my reality is--but Madwyn, I am OKAY now, even without my M being salvaged. You might want to let that stew for a bit in your mind. YOU are gonna be okay. Don't let the "what ifs" paralyze you. I think coming to that realization early on helps in the possibilty of marital recovery--because your WW will see that while you need and want her in your life, you realize that you will be okay--kind of the essence of strength, so to say.

I hope you take your little boy to school because YOU want to and I hope you are back home asap because your KIDS need you there more than anyrthing. And so does your WW--she just doesn't have the sense to see it. One day, she will--and will thank you for it, Madwyn.

Intexas

p.s. glad the camping trip went well. That sounds like a wonderful time.

Madwyn, don't think I have posted to you yet but did read your thread. I don't often say this but you need to MAN UP! Your child needs you to be there for him. Fears, we all have fears. Often the fears are bigger than reality. Let's try something together ok?

Ask yourself "what is real?" In every situation that you find yourself fearful ask that question. Now in the case of moving home to protect, yes protect your family "what is real?"

1. It is your home.
2. You are the father of your two children
3. Your WW is not acting in the best interest of the family
4. If you go home your children will be safe from harm of the OM and your WW.
5. If you go home NOTHING will happen to you. She can't do anything to you.
6. Women are not attracted to men who are weak and afraid. Is that the man you want to be?

Ok, now let me ask you this. What are you afraid of? What in your mind will happen if you go home? Are you afraid of finding out the truth that the A is not over? Are you afraid your WW will never forgive you? Well, in this case "what is real"

What is real here is if you don't go home your WW can continue her A unabated and without fear of your interference. What is real is you are allowing a woman caught up in a twisted state of mind to call the shots in YOUR life and the life of your CHILDREN. What is real is that your WW and you will never reconcile if you don't step up and take control of your life.