Move back in, Mad.

You have EVERYTHING to lose if you don't.

PLEASE stick w/ your plan to move back home.

Read about 'Fog speak'. Once you understand it, what your wife says will have less impact on you.

where Bob? Study what? I jear everything everyone is saying, but I don't know where to start studying. I am not clear on Plan A, I am afraid she sill take the kids and move out, change the locks, call the police and report me for some trumped up charge of abuse....... whatever........

Tell me where to look, read, classes......... I have been reading the forums and articles here, but they arent that specific at times

madwyn

Start HERE and follow the links to all the basic principles in order.

Also buy and study "surviving an affair" by Dr. Harley.

The basic principles STARTING with "surviving infidelity" are incredibly useful even without SAA.

When you read something you dont understnd, ask a question on here and somebody smart will help you apply it to your situation.

Thats what I did when I assembled my toolkit that I pointed you at in my previous posts.

Learn about the dynamics of affairs and the tools that can be used against them and you will feel MUCH better.

All blessings.

Bob,
I've heard from other posters that you have been in a similar situation as me and would greatly appreciate if you could take a peak at my story and offer any empathy or suggestions.... "Heartsore's Story: ........."
Thanks,
Heartsore

Madwyn, here is another post which may help you with Plan A:


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stop scaring yourself with hypotheticals and calm down. Get in your car and go home while you still have a chance. If she tries to take the kids from the house, you call your lawyer and stop her. If she changes the locks, then you call the police. But you MUST GO HOME AND STOP THIS DITHERING!

The longer you stay out, the harder it will be for you to save your marriage. GO HOME!

MadWyn,

Whats the moving plans for tomorrow?

Just checking in on you also.

I have a hugely busy day with work tomorrow, but I will try to get on some time tomorrow and check on this thread. I hope to hear you are back home and that you are CALM!
Take care,
Intexas

actually pretty simple. She is out of town this weekend at a wedding so I am home with the kids. I am moving my stuff back in (its not much just a few clothes) and putting them away where they belong. This is I leave for 4 days away on business, before she gets back Ineighbor is going to watch the kids) so she might not even notive until I come home Thursday. I just hope the locks arent changed when I get there at midnight Thursday night.

Glad to read this.

well, here I am in anchorage and I find my move back home hasn not gone smoothly. Apparently she figured it out last night and this morning all my luggage was on my brothers doorstep. I have not had a call from her so don't know what (if she calls) i will hear. I wonder what my kids know, it sounds like she did it after they went to bed, so they may know nothing.

Not sure what to do when I get back home thursday. God this sucks, She absolutlely treats me like ****** when I do see her and I don't know how much more I can take.

Pick up your stuff from your brother's and go back home. If need be, bring your brother w/ you to be a witness to your returning home in a non-threatening manner.

DON'T LET HER INTIMIDATE YOU!

IT'S YOUR HOUSE! YOUR KIDS! YOUR WIFE!

YOU NEED TO BE THERE! YOUR KIDS NEED YOU! YOU NEED TO BE THERE FOR YOU! YOUR WW NEEDS YOU THERE TOO! Although she's in too much of a fog to know this.

Get yourself a mantra, and when you go home and she starts freaking, repeat your mantra over and over again. "I'm committed to this marriage and this family. I belong here. And I plan on staying here."

You must ignore all her threats and hostile comments she makes. She will only be saying them to you in order to get you to do what she wants which is for you to stay gone. I hope you are realizing that she never intended this to be JUST a month. She intends this situation to be PERMINENT. THAT is why you need to move back in as quickly as you can. The sooner the better.

Move back in and then come here and post what happened. There are plenty of very intelligent people here who will be happy to talk you through everything your wife says and does to you.

Take care. Be strong. Your family needs you.

Madwyn, is there any chance she is following your thread on MB?

Make sure while you are away on business that you continue to communicate with your children. Who knows what she is telling them.

Get your stuff. Go home.
Quietly. Firmly.

I told my boss about my troubles and she gave me a month off on pay to fix stuff. Would your boss do the same ?

Please read this thread. I think it will inspire you and give you courage.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...p;vc=1&nt=6

Go home, MW, you have a family to tend to.

Mad,

Tomorrow is Thursday, your day to return "HOME" from Anchorage back to Washington State.

Correct???

Jo

Every time she treats you like [censored], remind yourself you are not doing this just for you, you are doing this for your children. They rely on you for protection and to fight for your marriage/family.

Please stop taking your alien wife's words personally. Many here have had to endure the same so I know it IS possible.

Jo

MadWyn,

Can you please check in. We care.

Jo

Sorry, when I travel it gets tough to have any time. I am in the wine import business and when I visit markets like Anchorage, it is always 12 plus hour days. In fact, I am only here in the hotel to change and head back out to have some fancy dinner with some nose-in-the -air wine geeks who think they know everything and will drink and eat expensive food on my dime while I have to grip-n-grin and pretend to enjoy myself. At least last night I was out with a salesrep who was fun and easy to talk to (easy on the eyes too, but I didin't go there). I know it sounds glamorous, but after the 1st 50 dinners at the top places n cities around the country, you find that you would much rather be in your own kitchen making something from ingrediants you grew in the garden.

I have had a couple real crappy days. I hear what you all are saying but I am absolutely terrified to go home. I don;t know how much more pain I can handle. I feel like I am fallng apart, like I keep having these out of body experiences where my panic takes me to a place where my world as I know it ends and I can not seem to find the will to calm myself down. I can not see past the very present and see the calm, strong position we have talked about here. I know I have ot go home, I know I have to be there for mt kids, I know I have to fight, but I just feel like she has made up her mind what course of action to take and nothing I do will ever change it.

I have read many of the other threads suggested by many of you and I can see the prgression in your lives, I just cant seem to realte it to me right now. I feel like I need to be checked ito a nut house and have some people perform some sort of intervention because I can not get control of my own internal emotions. I have a IC appointment a couple hours after I land tomorrow and will be going there before going home. I am scared, so scared that I am loosing my wife who I still love deeply even though she is causing me this unbelievable amount of hurt, my permanaence in my childrens live, basically my whle life seems about to end as I know it.

Oh god, I have to go and meet these a-holes and get them all drunk and now I have driven myself into one of those moods of dispair. I am sorry I know these arent the words of strength and positive feelings you want to hear from me right now........ I just feel like I am sinking in a dark hole without air.