the latest in this wierd "deserate houswives" rollercoaster I am on.....

Several weeks ago, I was in Blockbuster with the kids and a woman approached me to introduce herself. She had recognized the kids and rightly assumed I was their father. Well, she turned out to be the "soon-to-be ex-wife" of the OM my WW had the affair with. We talked for a few minutes and decided to go out for dinner one night and sort of compare stories.

Well, it turns out she is a very nice person, and I really enjoy her company. We are not "dating", nor is there anything intimate, it is just that she and I obviously have things in common (besides the affair) like kids the same ages, and similar likes/dislikes. She is easy to talk with (notice I say with, not to) and she says the same about me. I think for both of us it is nice to have a "safe" friend to just talk. We have met 2 times since our first dinner (for coffee or lunch) and it is nice to be able to let your guard down and just talk.

Well, apparently WW somehow found out I had met the betrayed spouse (lets call her Sue) of her OM and now she is fervently asking questions and making accusations around the community. I feel lke throwing it n her face, but will not. I do not know how anyone found out because we agreed to be very discrete for a while and I have not told anyone. We never got to local places when we meet, but I guess the cats out of the bag.

So I got a scathing e-mail from WW, but it had nothing to do with Sue. I then got a call from our babysitter (who as it turns out is also Sue's babysitter) who was almost in tears telling me she had been grilled by my WW about babysitting so I could go out with Sue, whch never happened.

I would like to think this is an unintended, justified revenge, but I didn't mean it that way. I simpy like Sue as a person and its nice to have a friend to talk with now and then.

Mad, you are still married. YOu should avoid all appearance of doing anything other than being a good husband and father. I know things are not what you want, but you are doing yourself no favors. You will be seen as no better than she if you are even perceived as seeing someone else.

Also, revenge affairs and relationships with the OP's spouse are pretty standard, if you let yourself go there.

If you still want to see her AFTER you're both divorced, that is when it's the right time.

Avoid the appearance of wrongdoing.

IMVHO

Well, I am home. Moved this last weekend. She moved a couple blocks away to a rental. When she left, she took everything down to the spices in the spice cabinet, all the silverware, and the toilet paper. She did leave me some leftovers in the fridge (who knows how long they have been there, so I threw it all away).

So I spent the weekend SPENDING! I need everything... couch, table and chairs, microwave, you name it and I either still need it or bought it in the last few days.I am really looking forward to writing that "spousal maintenance" check tomorrow. Last night was my first night alone in my house. I was feeling pretty lost and a friend called and asked if they could drop in. I just about shouted "please"! I am feeling a bit depressed, but I get the kids tonight so we can hang out and watch a movie.

I don't want to be divorced. I am still in love, but I can't even find it in me to be nice to her right now. I haven't talked to her in several days. I did e-mail her and told her to go to her mothers for Thanksgiving (I just don't even want to pretend to try and have a "family" dinner with her) and didn't hear back, so I assume she got the message. Am I wrong for this? She told me previously that I should do it for the kids sake, but is pretending everything is OK good for the kids? I just don't think I could deal with the tension right now. And lets be honest, there would be noticeable tension in the house if she were here for Thanksgiving dinner.

Next up is x-mas and tre cutting and I just know she is going to want to buy "From Mom & Dad" gifts....

Hi MadWyn,

Good to hear from you and awesome you have the house! I hope you get to spend lots of time with your children, just you and them. You deserve that and so much more.

I'll tell you something I learned about "divorce hurt". You have to go thru it to get on the other side of it.

I noticed everytime I hurt so badly, that once it was over I felt better than before the bought of hurt. Each and every time you feel hurt by something she has done or maybe just a wave of hurt hits you for no apparent reason, as soon as its over you feel better than before it hit.

I wanted so desperately to get on the other side of all the hurt. So after realizing it was a journey to get to no-more-hurt, I came to know each one was a step closer to getting complete closure.

God Bless You,
Jo

Madwyn,
How are you doing - how was your Thanksgiving? I keep hoping to see an update from you...

I have had a great week or 10 days. The new job is keeping me energized and busy, I have great time with my kids, and emotionaly I feel in control and empowered. There have been some negative communications with my wife, but I feel like I am in control of those as well and can stop/start them as I need to. No reacting any longer. It has been quite some time since I felt the weight of depression, and I think it is equal parts internal peace with who I am and external relationships with friends and my children. I find that I am far more engaged in my childrens lives now. Obviously this was in part forced upon me, but as I reflect, I am not happy with the person I had become and the role I had adopted prior to the breakup. I feel like I had accepted the role of sole provider to the point I neglected to be involved in the lives around me on a concsious level. Now that I am volunteering in the schools, conversing (really!) with my kids, and engaging in my community, I am realizing how much I missed before. I hope other fathers read this so they can learn from my mistakes and maybe head off the results I have experienced. My children are amazing and I am so much more aware of them these days.

Thanksgiving was a quiet affair. WW and her mother both appealed to me to have a "family" dinner for the "sake of the kids". I refused. I explained that I did not agree it would be in the kids best interest to subject them to tension and annimosity, or to give them some false sense of hope. I have also declined to cut x-mas trees together and x-mas eve dinner as well. We are not a "family" in the truest sense of the word anymore, and pretending at this time s too much for me. I can see in the future where we may be able to achieve a balance where these types of requests can work, but not now. Am I wrong in this? Does anyone think she is right in asking these things of me? I question myself often and I am completely open to criticism.......

WW and I have had breif conversations and e-mails, but nothing substantive. I can no longer say with conviction that I still love her. I have overcome too much hurt and achieved too much personal growth; it would seem that I am finding a new me, and I am very happy with the person I see in the mirror. Only time will tell, but I suspect this story will not end with a successful recovery (relationship wise), but might result in a new life force I might have been supressing for many years. I feel good.... strong, confident, with a sense of purpose. Those who know me tell me they haven't seen me this passionate or heard the conviction in my voice inn many years. I know this is me, i just wonder where it went?

I will continue to update and I want to thank all of you again for your empathy, compassion and support.

Will write soon,
Cheers

Madwyn, you sound so much better than when you first arrived at MB.

I don't celebrate TG (am a Brit!) but despite our 2 yr separation, I did invite WH for Xmas dinner. We had a family tradition of opening the presents together in the morning and as soon as the girls woke up, I told them to call their dad. It was about 6.00 am! OW was probably thrilled about that! Somehow, Xmas seemed too big an occasion for us not to pull ourselves together for the kids. I never did Plan B - I did the 180 plan without even knowing such a plan existed - it was my natural reaction to his infidelity.

Anyway, enough about me. I'm just glad things are going well for you. TT

Madwyn, I totally agree with your decision to not spend the holidays with your WW. She is reaping what she sowed. You sound great!

Hi Madwyn...haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope you can come back and give us an update sometime soon!