I have been advised to consolidate my threads into one to make my story easier to follow. We are returning to counseling for the first time in about 4 months and I could really use advice as to how to make the most of it. Every time I think I’m getting smart I realize how little I know. Your generous help and guidance so far has made a world of difference for me.


Some facts about me and my wife. I am 35, college educated 8 years. My wife is 32, college educated 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. Both of our first marriages lasted less than 6 months. My first marriage resulted from a surprise pregnancy. I have a nine year old daughter from that marriage. My first wife left by affair. Wife’s first marriage ended for reason’s I’m not quite sure of. I have gathered a few clues to lead me to believe that it ended by affair, BUT I DO NOT KNOW THIS FOR SURE. We met through eharmony website. We dated for 1 year and married now for 2. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I have a complete family and I want to make this work.


Timeline of Separation

April 5. - Wife stops birth control and other medication. We begin trying to get pregnant. Ironically, it was about this time the hints began. “I’m fantasizing about someone else”, “I’m supposed to be on a date tonight.” “We need to go to counseling”, “What I do while you‘re in Las Vegas doesn‘t count either.” All of them ignored because… well… I’m a fool. I honestly thought things were better than they had ever been.

April 19. Leave for conference in Las Vegas.

April 20-22. Phone calls home are unanswered and her return calls leave me suspicious.

April 23. I return home exhausted with jet lag, immediately go to bed.

April 24-26. Suspicion leads me to the spare bedroom where I stayed for the week.

April 28. I arrive home from work at about 8pm. Wife dressed to the nines asks me if I’d talk to someone in her family about our marriage. I responded no. She asked if I would go to counseling. I responded, “I can’t think about this right now, I just had a bad day at work.” She leaves and returns at 3 a.m. I had fallen asleep in our bed, she slept in spare bedroom.

April 29. We go for a walk and she tells me she feels like I never loved her, we’re incompatible and we should just let things go. I responded that I wasn’t happy to hear this but that she sounded like she knew what she was talking about and I just wanted her to be happy.

April 30. After confirming phone calls and reading a letter in her purse I confront her about affair. Three hours of arguing later she confesses. The very first thing out of my mouth was, “we can get through this”. There was no more discussion

April 31-May 3. She continues to see OM.

May 1. Visit to MC counselor where my wife is advised to move out and pursue relationship with OM if he was available. I was told to grin and bear it.

May 4. She moves into a hotel where she has since told me she spent the majority of time with OM.

May 12. She signs a lease for an apartment.

May 13. I pack her personal belongings, she picks them up, we argue, she leaves.

May 13-22 Begging, pleading, total loss of dignity.

May 22 She decides not to go to next MC session. During the past couple weeks her mother had contacted me telling me to just wait and she’ll come back, unaware of the affair. I contact her mother and tell her “the other man won.” I reveal the details of the affair. Wife calls me later that evening to say, “and to think I was just about to change my mind and was having doubts. I will never forgive you for telling my mother”

June 2 I meet Lacey. Begin my own affair.

June 8 We go to mediator and divide property

June 19 Wife arrives with truck to take what is hers.

June 23 My daughter (wife’s step daughter) arrives for the summer.

July 10 Wife picks up her step-daughter to give her a chance to say good bye. That night my daughter writes her a letter.

July 17 Wife writes back to her step-daughter.

July 20 Wife calls me to ask if she Isabella and I can go to dinner. I agree.

July 24 We all go out and return home. She wanders through house saying, “this place really needs me”. “You can’t manage without me.” “I miss my home.” To which I replied, “This place IS your home”, “I’m not managing without you.” “Your home misses you too”. On our front porch swing she complains that her shoulders have been hurting so I jumped at the opportunity to give her a little massage and she guides me to where it hurts the most. She confides that things are not what she’d hoped they’d be with OM and the only reason she is here is because things were so bad. “I am only here because its comfortable, it is unfair to you” I tried to kiss her that night, big mistake. No need to yell at me. I hand her a card for our anniversary (with what could be considered a plan A letter but I didn’t know it at the time) and ask her to consider a date with me on august 4, our anniversary. She declines. She calls me later saying she is very uncomfortable about what happened. She confirms that there is nothing left for her to come back to. That night I call Lacey and tell her I love my wife, Its over.

July 24 - August 2 Time alone with daughter.

August 3. Day before anniversary. Wife calls frantically from her mother’s house saying one of the cats disappeared and she can’t find him. I tell her I’m sorry I’m on call at a the hospital, I can’t go all the way to Massachusetts but to just go outside and sit, he’ll come out of the woods. She’s also hung over from a wedding where she drank herself into oblivion (she is not a drinker at all so this was actually pretty funny). I gave her a couple hang over tips. She calls to say she found the cat and reaffirm that she would not be coming home for our anniversary.

August 4. Our anniversary. I go out with a male friend. Send her a picture and text saying I wish she were here. No response.

August 5 - 10 Time alone with daughter.

August 10 Conversation with wife. I think I called her but don’t remember what we talked about.

August 11 Daughter returns to her mother’s.

August 12 This I think is the most damaging thing that has happened to us. My psychotic alcoholic sister, who I confided things I shouldn’t have, calls my ex wife leaving 4 voice messages. She said wife has ruined her life, that she is a ******, that she should kill herself, that she was going to tell every parent at her husband’s sister’s day care (whom many end up going to wife’s school) what she did and that they should not allow their children to be around her. At this, I and my mother both called police to get sister to stop. I tell wife she needs to also. I apologized profusely for saying anything to sister and beg her not to hold it against me that she did what she did. I try to explain that many things I said were from months ago when I was angry after she’d moved out. Sister is ostracized from family, this being the last straw in a series of destructive behaviors that have affected all of us.

August 12-19. I take a week off work, decide to take time to think. While I had come across MB builders before I really started reading and learning. Spent a bit of time on it. Read Michele Weiner Davis’ book, and “How to survive Infidelity”. Also came across some of Norman Mcdonald’s stuff.

August 14 Wife calls to ask me if I treated any patients from a local shooting spree. She knew one of the victims. I ask her if she’s ready to talk about MC. She says no. She yells at me again for talking to sister. I respond with, “Wife, since you left I have had no one to talk to but her and it is a mistake I regret. I felt like Voldemorte sucking the lifeblood out of unicorns just to stay alive. I needed to talk and she is all I had.” We both laugh hysterically at the allusion. I apologize again and begin telling her I’m happy for her and maybe she’s made the right choice after all. That I need to let go and move on.

August 16 Wife calls, I ignore phone call.

August 18. Wife calls and leaves message, “I forgot something at the house. I need to get something form house, call me.” I do not respond.

August 19 10am to 4pm Four calls from wife, all ignored. 4:30pm Text message from wife, “Are you around”. My response, “Maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore until the papers arrive. If you need something just send me a short text.” She replies, “Fine, I don’t need anything”

August 19 6pm Text message from Lacey. Group of people out would I like to go. I go.

August 21. I contact wife about divorce papers which have not yet arrived. This is where I started posting on MB. The rest of the story from then till now is in the posts.

I should point out that right up until about august 12, I was still in begging and pleading mode whenever I talked to her. So in there you can pepper a few dignity shattering conversations.

PeterAC500
August, 21
Hi all,

Last April I returned home from a business trip to hear my wife tell me she had cheated on me that weekend and wanted a divorce. Three days later she moved into a hotel with her boyfriend. A week after that she had signed a lease for an apartment and was gone. We subsequently went through mediation, she got what was hers and that was that. Since then I went through the usual routine of begging, reasoning and pleading. A couple months after she left I started dating someone else, however, unable to stop loving my wife I broke it off knowing it was the wrong time.

A month ago I came across Homer McDonald's book, "Stop Your Divorce". After reading some of the excerpts I thought it seemed like a crock... reverse psychology. In desperation I employed the tactics and an amazing thing happened. It actually worked. I stopped calling her, agreed with anything she said, confirmed everything was my fault, agreed that the relationship was hopeless, started dating again and no matter how hard it was I always had a front of happiness with a touch of aloofness. I also, even though it was so painful to do... often let the phone just ring when she called.

Last week she called about a local tragedy in the news. She called saying there was something she needed from the house. She called me all day last Saturday; I ignored the calls and she left no messages. She finally sent a text message asking me if I was around. I decided to elevate the tactic and responded to her text (an hour later) saying I think it might be a good idea if we stopped talking all together until we get to the courthouse to file the papers. She responded... "fine".

Well, yesterday, I was stuck for an emergency at work and and I called her to ask her if she had received the divorce papers from our mediator. She immediately changed the subject and conversation drifted to other things. I took the oppurtunity to mention that I had just reestablished contact with the woman I had dated earlier and told my wife that I am sorry it took so long to see that she had been right about me and our relationshiop all along.

Her response almost knocked me out cold. She said she had been trying to contact me for over a week to go to lunch and talk about going back to our marital counselor. Incredibly, I found that something else had happened by following McDonald's advice... I realized that I no longer felt like I needed this to work, that I might not even WANT it to work. I told her I had reservations about her contacting me about this now and asked her why she did. She completely decompensated and said forget it, that she's happy my life has been so great without her and to have a good life with my new friend. She hung up.

That night, worried and curious I went to her apartment and knocked on the door. Her boyfriend answered. Cordially, I introduced myself and asked if my WW was home. I went in and my WW arrived at the door shocked to say the least that I was there. In fact, she was livid. "What are you doing here", "You have no right to come to my house"! All of which was completely valid. I apologized saying I was worried and I'd never bother her again. I couldn't help but notice that her apartment was in complete shambles, dirty, cluttered and cramped. Walking out, I thought, "oh my god, she is not doing well".

By the time I had gotten 100 feet down the road toward my car she had run out of the house to catch up with me and reaffirm that I should not have gone there. She was right, I agreed. She ended with "Go see your prescious Lacey, you don't care about me anyway". I responded, "Why does that even matter, you want him". She turned and stomped back into the apartment.

A flurry of text messages arrived as I drove home with a big smile on my face. Each of which I responded with comments like, "You are right", "Yes, there's something wrong with me, tonight proved you're right about me again.". "I am ok with this, its a small town, and maybe this is a good thing to all meet now". I even said, "He seems like a nice person. He has kind eyes. You made the right choice." and "You're a cute couple, I'm really happy for you, hold onto each other." All of which infuriated her even further until finally she called to fire both barrels at me. I laughed it off and reassured her not to worry, that everything would be over soon and I'd do anything I could to give her the divorce she wanted as quickly as possible. Everything was going to be fine."

That ended the day's spectacular events and I have not heard from her yet. However, I am very curious to say the least as to what's going on in her head right now. I'd like nothing more than to go back to counseling with her and see what might happen. It has been almost a half year since she left and I know that, even though she has expressed interest on her own accord to try again, we will tragically most likely end up divorced.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing all this, maybe to just vent. But I will definately post again as events warrant.

Hang in there everyone, life gets better!

PeterAC500
Hi all,

So, the day of my great adventure was actually Monday night. Today is Wednesday. I went to my own counselor, who I've been seeing for quite some time now, this morning and talked about what had happened. I expressed concern that after showing up she will no longer be interested, for the time being anyway, in returning to counseling.

My counselor is a really good guy, I recommend to everyone that seeing a professional therapist makes a world of difference. We put the events in perspective together and decided on a course of action.

I compiled "the list". You know, the list that we've all made weighing the pros and cons of getting back together. The pros far outweigh the cons, as it seems to for everyone. Its a good excersize and continues to be ongoing. The plan is to bring it with me to my counselor next week to talk about it.

Also, unsure what step to take next as far as communication with my WW goes, he suggested sending her Email. A form of communication that allows you to write, edit, rewrite and make precise the things you want to say. It also lets you say what you want to say without being interrupted mid-thought. It gives the other time to think about what was said and the chance to respond without an emotionally charged response. He further suggested honesty about what I am feeling and what it is I want.

At first I was a little leary, not quite ready to give up McDonald's tactics which had so cleverly helped to bring her back to the table. One of the key tenets being consistency over time. Not a week or a month but for a long period of time. But he was right after all, talking about returning to counseling leaves no room for anything but truth and honesty.

And so I sat down to write... and rewrite... and walk away from the computer only to return a while later to reread what I'd written, add something else or delete a line I didn't like. In the end what was left was a letter that I felt conveyed exactly what I wanted to say in a non-threatening, no obligation fashion. I made it clear that I truly wanted to return to counselling with her and hoped she still wanted it to. I also made clear that this was something that I did think carefully about and talked with own counselor about.

I sent it to her a short while ago. Tonight, I know she usually meets with her own counselor and I'm guessing they too are talking about what happened this past few days and the letter I sent. Assuming she read it already.

And so now I do the hard part... sit and wait. Our divorce papers have still not arrived from our mediator. Every day that goes by without them is a blessing! At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I don't need to start grieving again from square one. No more negotiating is necessary... just sign on the dotted line and go our separate ways.

Korlis, thank you so much for your comments, a success story like your is inspiring! I want to address something you said. Part of me has in fact been questioning whether or not reconciling would be the healthiest thing for me. One irreducible truth remains, I love her with every fiber of my being. I know that the A was not the cause of our dissolution but merely a symptom. Unfortunately, it has become a major problem in and of itself. I have been rereading the Plan A and Plan B information and have been doing a lot of journaling today. I know that she had been thirsting to have many of her emotional needs met before she chose leave. I know it is my responsibily to make sure they are met. I know the reciprocal is also true.

I guess the point is, if there is ANY chance at all, I'm willing to take it. I don't want to ever look back and regret anything. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see that right now is a cross-road in my life that I KNOW I will look back on and regret should I not do this.

PeterAC500
Korlis,

Thanks for your continued support and yes we probably do have a lot in common. A lot of what you said in your last post pushed me to all kinds of emotional extremes. I laughed, I cried, I read it again and the same thing happened.

You know, when the A first happened I talked to anyone that would listen. I sincerely regret having ever said anything to anyone at all. It has rung true that one of the most damaging things to the road of reconciliation is the advice of well meaning friends and family. Tonight, I went to my parents for dinner and my mother asked me if I wanted her "two cents". I replied, "Mom, I love you, but this isn't something I want to talk about with anyone but my counselor or [my WW] anymore." What those friends and family do not have to do is live with the choices we make at the end of the day. It is easy to make judgments based on the "half-truths" that we tell.

Its funny how you came to the same conclusion that I did about telling everyone that I've moved on and am so much happier now. In a smallish town like mine it is inevitable that she will run into them and things will be said. No one has any idea that I still ache for her, even my own parents.

As far as hindsight goes, I can't even begin to list all of the hints and even outright cries for help that she gave me. I guess at the time I believed I wanted out too. Whether I chose to ignore them or simply did not understand, looking back I want to scream out that I am fortune's fool (to borrow a quote from Shakespeare). I remember, vividly, a conversation with a friend of mine before we were separated. I had said, "My life is not what I wanted, I feel like I'm just waiting to die." I have heard countless times that, "We always thought you would be the one to walk out." Irregardless, I've been tortured thinking if I'd only just done this or said that. A trap I see that many of us fall into.

Korlis, something else you said struck me. I just said to my counselor today that, "I don't even know who she is anymore." She does seems like a complete stranger right now. For a long time I was told by those good ole well meaning friends and family that, "This is who she really is, don't you see it? She was living a lie with you." I see now that that is the most absurd conclusion anyone could draw from what has happened. I think she is truly agonizing about her life choices and I think she, like anyone in her shoes, is trying to cope with them. I think you're right that she is just not thinking clearly, and after the other day, I saw tangible proof of that. You described exactly the feeling I have that she is trying to 'disconnect' from her feelings toward me.

I'm afraid one of our biggest obstacles at this point is her pride. I don't know how to convey to her that I do not judge her without sounding like I'm grovelling again. For now, its something I've decided to just leave alone. Because of that I've taken to heart your advice that this can only work when she chooses for it to.

It is hard... unbelievably hard! The pain, the impatience, the doubt and the knowledge that things could be so much better if only she'd see it. Frustration is one word I've come to know very well. You are right that I can do nothing to make her see it. So, like my namesake, I try to be a rock. To hold steady through the storm and remain a foundation to a beautiful life that she can return to. Truth be told I feel more like an egg. Trembling within and surrounded by the thin veneer of a shell.

I am resolved, though, to continue living and learning to like myself again. One thing that I see happen to many of us in this situation is the complete stripping of our identities, our self esteem and our self confidence. We question everything and become filled with self doubt. I feel fortunate enough to be moving past that, yet it breaks my heart every time I read a post from someone who is struggling. Korlis, I believe you that in the end I will end up much happier with myself after surviving a journey such as this.

With that said, I continue to wait to see if she responds to my letter and which direction this will take. I have to go turn off my brain for a little while.

To everyone else out there in the trenches right now, you are not alone! There is no such thing as "false" hope. Hope... is hope.

Peter

PeterAC500
Last night my response arrived. Let me cut and paste the key points in her letter. It opened with, “I am sorry for any mixed messages I might have given you. I have been through a lot in my 32 years and still continue to make mistakes, which scares me. In all honesty, I haven't sat and felt that I have truly missed you or our relationship. I care about you and don't want you to hurt. I was considering counciling, if for nothing more than to set aside all doubts and confirm divorce is the right thing.

It closed with, “I was so tired of feeling alone, angry, empty, and unattractive. I cant handle the thought of the pain of going back and then just realizing things are the same. Too much hurt. I guess I am saying that we need to fill out the paperwork for divorce and stop hurting each other.”

Somewhere in the middle was, “I wish this wasn’t my life right now. I wish I was married, pregnant, and a happy homeowner but I think trying to come back will cause more pain then it is worth. I have too many doubts about us being able to make it work”

In between was an itemization of everything I’ve done wrong during the past 5 months since she left. I have been on an emotional roller coaster dealing with the A and to sum up her sentiment… I am unstable and unable to change. She is right, I know I have had up days and down days. I’m not sure anymore if she’s wrong. This is why I originally posted that I wasn’t sure I wanted this. Talking with her saps every ounce of strength out of me.

After reading her letter I responded with another. It was long, detailed, quoted information from so many sources, and I talked about how much I’ve been working on the marriage while she was gone. I discussed emotional needs, what we were doing wrong and how we could fix them. I talked about Plan A and the four basic rules for a successful marriage. Worse than this, I defended myself and my actions.

Basically, I caved in. This morning I sent her a text saying I thought her idea to go back for a final visit was a good idea and that I’d schedule it; if she didn’t walk out with an immediate sense of positive results then we’d file the next day. She said she did not want to leave OM and that she didn’t want to go to counseling. I asked her to read the letter I wrote and to reconsider.

I have let myself down by taking a giant step backward. I believe my best course now is to return to a no contact policy and wait for the papers to arrive. I was so much healthier this past few weeks when I avoided her, communicating with her hurts so much. I really feel like she is intentionally screwing with my head. This whole idea of - I wanted to go back to counseling but nope, too late. This is not the first time she’s said that. On two other occasions she’s told me she was just about to change her mind but now its too late. I remember a comment she made, “And to think… I was having doubts.” I can’t handle the proverbial carrot dangling in front of me and then being snatched away at the last second. She casually says, “I am sorry for any mixed messages I might have sent you.” She has no idea what that does to me.

Anyway, she sounded lucid enough in her letter and I believe she can be happier with the OM than she ever was with me. So that, my friends, is that. The bright side is that divorce should occur within a month after filing and there will be closure. As for the second letter I sent, it can only do more damage so I wouldn’t keep your fingers crossed for me.

Something I see many of us do, is convince ourselves that the WS is screwing up their life and they will rue the day they ever left. In some cases that may be true, but not this one. I think she’s going to be happy. I think it would be presumptuous and egotistical of me to think she couldn’t do better. On the contrary, I think she already has. I read in someone else’s post that self worth should not be defined by the actions of the WW. That is a great piece of advice. Out of sight, out of mind. I think my best course of action is to just commit to moving on and having fun with the new opportunities available to me.

I can’t stand it!!!!! I just got off the phone with my WW. She agreed to go to counseling now. Here’s a few of her choice excerpts from that conversation. “95% of me says there’s nothing to go back to.” “ I don’t want to leave the OM.” “This was my councilor’s idea to begin with, I never said I wanted to get back with you.” “Nothing was ever good about our relationship.” “The thought of ever being intimate with you again sickens me.”

What am I doing? Do I believe these things? Do I shrug them off? Am I honestly to believe that there is some intangible redeeming quality about myself that is even worthy of her? Why is it so easy to believe the bad things people tell you about yourself. I love her so much and yet she says these things to me. My responses, “yes you’re right.” “I don’t know how you could ever forgive me.” “I know he’s a better man than I ever could be.”

I feel like I should just let go because my reality fragments into disarray when I talk to her. She doesn’t even want to go and has clearly stated that she can’t see how it will help. So, why is she going? To shut me up? Do I dare cling to hope… bitter-sweet hope? Should I just say forget it? And here, just 10 minutes ago I was quoting someone’s advice about not letting their actions define you.

Someone please tell me what to do. Someone please think for me. We’re going to do an intense 3 hour therapy session. I should be happy about this., but I can’t stop crying. I can’t help but think this is a waste of my time. I don’t even know if I should make the appointment.

Peter.

THE FOLLOWING IS FROM THE ORIGINAL THREAD, “EXPOSING THE A”


PeterAC500
About a month after my WW started her affair I exposed it to her side when her mother contacted me to ask how our MC was going. I replied, "The other man won" and then gave a synopsis of the events that had recently transpired.

Since then, she has said that telling her family is an offense that she cannot forgive and this is why she won't return. If you read my thread you'll see that she contacted me after a month long period of my Plan B to see if I was amenable to returning to MC. The instant I showed interest, she withdrew the offer and said that it was "too late". This is the third time she has done something similar and it tears me to pieces every time. I feel like she's saying, "I tried, now its YOUR fault."

In any event I had a heart wrenching phone call with her tonight and we are going to an extremely intensive 3 hour MC session with a MC who is familiar with the information here. The problem for me, is that every time I just start feeling healthy she manages to tear me down and then waits for a reaction. As soon as she gets it, she says something like, "See? You're too unstable, I can't go back to you." I'm starting to think I dont have enough strength left to go through with the MC. I love her, but she makes me question my very sanity. I have never taken the easy road out of anything in my life, but it seems like it would be so much more peaceful to just let go and move on. I really don't know what to do.

Peter

PeterAC500
Melody,
Let me clarify, I use the term Plan B Loosely. I have been working on the marriage myself for a long period of time by working on me. There is no real contract between us, rather, I decided on my own to stop talking to her until she was ready to talk about us. My goal for MC is to get her to stop the A and begin her grieving process but I just don't see it happening. This is my last hurrah, because frankly, its just too hard.

moveforward
so, you are saying you are not really following any plan except plan peter? how's that working for you?

don't you think it might be better to pick a plan and work that plan?


MelodyLane
Peter, I just read your other thread. She is extremely abusive and seems to delight in tearing you down. If I were you, I would remove myself entirely from this very abusive, detructive situation and resolve to have nothing to do with her until she RESOLVES to end her affair and demonstrates a MEANINGFUL CHANGE. Or at least demonstrates that she has some respect for you and won't abuse you. She has done none of that.

Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time if you are not in recovery. She isn't even pretending to be in recovery; she is just trying to keep you on leash. She is still in her affair and is only committed to you in the sense that she likes you around if she sees an opportunity to use and abuse you. Why volunteer for that?

Is this the woman you envision having children with?

PeterAC500
Move Forward, You make me think. This is good. My plan was to not communicate with her until she was ready to return to MC, end the A and begin her grieving. She contacted me of her own accord indicating this might be a possibility so I tried talking to her only to get the rug ripped out from under me. You can call it "plan Peter", but it was my plan nonetheless. One way or the other, it failed miserably.

Melody, I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm losing my mind is what I'm thinking.

K
Peter,

I think this marriage counseling session is actually a good thing if your counselor(s) are decent. You should not mistake this as a chance to make significant repairs to your marriage, but look at it as an opportunity to discuss a plan of action in the presence of two counselors. I'd suggest that you very succintly tell her that you're more than willing to work on the marriage, and make meaningful changes that benefit her in this marriage. All she needs to do is to end the affair and be accountable for it, and work on this in counseling with you. Without that type of agreement, I think I would leave the divorce on the table---although if you do end up divorced "soon", I would bet that she'll be back to you within a year.

I would also eliminate contact with her until she can commit to a recovery plan. If she needs to discuss things with you, let her do it through your counselor or another intermediary.

MelodyLane
Peter, I would set firm groundrules about contacting you. For example, make it a condition that she has ended her affair and is committed to recovering the marriage before you will resume contact with her. Even with that, she would have to demonstrate that she will no longer be abusive.

Are you familiar with Plan B and Plan B letters? If you are going to go to MC tomorrow, you might want to take a letter with you and give it to her there. Then remove yourself from her sick world and take steps to protect yourself.

And always remember, that you are not under any obligation to stay in a marriage that you deem hopeless and dangerous to your sanity. Some marriages are not salvagable and only you know what you can or can't endure. There is no shame in walking away if you feel it is the best thing for you.

""Since then, she has said that telling her family is an offense that she cannot forgive and this is why she won't return""

Dont pay that much attion on that, she wouldent returned anyway.Just a bad excuse


PeterAC500
This is all good advice. Briefly, I have a 9 year old daughter, her step-daughter. My daugter's mother was 21 when she was born. Marrying my WW was one of the happiest days of my life because I felt like I finally had a complete family. Since WW left my daughter has had a pretty emotional ride herself. Her mother has called me many times to say that my daughter is grieving pretty hard. She's returned to her mother's for the new school year. I had to beg WW to at least come and take her out for ice-cream to give her a chance to say good-bye, which the WW reluctantly agreed to, but did nevertheless.

I am 35. The exposure at this point is complete. Our divorce is, for all practical purposes complete as well. We went to a mediator and now just have to sign on the dotted line and wait about a month or so for the final hearing. I insisted she be the plaintiff so that I do not have to attend the hearing. All of our finances are separated already and personal belongings have been divided. The only thing left to do is assume the mortgage into my name and buy her equity out of the home which has already been negotiated in the stipulation.

I fully expect this MC session will be a waste of my time and money. It may, at the least, provide closure. I have read the Plan B letters and began writing my own to bring to the MC with me. My mother, who has the patience of Job, has to agreed to be a go between for us. Our session will not be until Friday the 8th. She has returned to her parents for 5 days for a funeral and won't return until next week.

I have a weekend of peace and quiet anyway. Its frustrating that she finds a way to blame everything I've done for myself as the reason that things cannot be mended. I dated someone else, I "had fun without her", I stopped calling her, I told her I was happy for her, and I shook the hand of the the OM (probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life). The last, she said, "Humiliated her, made her feel small and childlike"

Marcus I think you're right. She has no intention of returning and uses anything she can about me to dump the responsibility squarely on my shoulders. So fine, its my fault. I don't care anymore.

Its such a shame knowing that everything CAN be so much better and she refuses to see it. I think she's just happier without me and I have to accept that. After all, "there was not a single good thing about our marriage that I can imagine going back to."

So, I've started my Plan B letter. Should I post it here when I'm done to get some feedback?

Cymanca
Peter,

Have a little smarts. What worked best at cracking your wife's thinly veneered fantasy AND put you in a postion of radiating self respect and the appearance of going on with your life? No R can be repaired, even in the best of situations, in under TWO years. Now that two years can be extended by BS errors like loss of self respect and permitting the WS to control the lives of everyone around them.

Quote:


The last, she said, "Humiliated her, made her feel small and childlike"

Tell me what was the significance of that exchange from your perspective as well as your WW?

Korlis
Boy oh Boy...this is a rollercoaster ride of emotions and believe I'm still on it, too.

Right now I sense that you're just letting go...a very good place to be indeed Holding on only hurts, but letting go and letting it just unfold will prove to pay off more and more in the end.

I remember when I hit that stage...it took me months! You've come so far and of course you're still raw inside, but you will heal. And...she WILL wake up, but it has to just happen...it's the only way.

At this point, the only thing I can say right now for you is stay busy. I remember the worst time for me was when I laid down at night to go to sleep. My mind would race for hours and hours! I was slowly thinking myself to death. So, what I did was I just kept busy doing so many things...I took on another job, started quilting again, started singing/writing music again, played billiards (love it ), and just kept BUSY. I did this DAILY and when I was ready to just drop from exhaustion is when I laid my head down to go to sleep. Too much time to think offered too many wounds to my heart. So, right now, in this particular junction, sit back, let it unfold, and STAY BUSY.

I hope your day is going well, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon. After I post this, you should get an email from me.

Take care,
Kor

PeterAC500
Actually Cymanca,

In addition to the last post I made, here is what I make of that comment. I think she felt exposed. I think she felt like her secret was out. I think that reality collided head on with fantasy... almost literally. I wonder if humiliated may be a euphamism for ashamed. I ask my self why she didn't feel relief that I'd seen she's moved on, pleasure that I saw how much better her life is now or even indifference because after all, she "has no feelings for me anymore."

Cymanca, you ask really good questions.


THE FOLLOWING WAS FROM MY ORIGINAL THREAD “HELP WITH MY PLAN B LETTER”

At this point I believe it would be necessary to go to my MC session with a Plan B letter in my back pocket. The following discussion ensued.

PeterAC500

Ok, here is a revised Plan B letter. I really hope I don't have to use this thing but it seems like things are moving in that direction. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

My Dearest W,

I am so terribly sorry for my part in creating the environment which helped make your affair with OM possible. I foolishly let small things stand in the way of providing you with your deepest emotional needs, particularly affection and sexual fulfillment. I love you so much and have been working very hard to overcome those obstacles. The excitement of knowing its possible is a powerful driving force. I would like nothing more than to create a new and better life with you and achieve all of the dreams I know we both so desperately wanted.

W, I have always loved you deeply. The changes I’m talking about are permanent and with guidance from a councilor, I think you will see that. I have learned so much since you’ve left and would like to share all of this with you. I want very much to stay married to you.

Your on-going affair with OM has become an obstacle to our reconciliation. While I have tried to express tolerance while it runs its course, the pain has become too unbearable to expose myself to any longer. It is too painful to see you have an emotional connection with someone else. Unfortunately, it is eroding the loving feelings I have for you and I am determined to not let this happen. I have learned that the unreasonable blame you place on me and unfair judgment of my emotional state is not only wrong, but destructive to my well being. Right now I need to work on my health and nurture (her step-daughter) through this transition.

I’m writing you this letter to inform you that I will no longer communicate with you directly in any way whatsoever. I have disconnected my answering machine, I will delete your voicemail unheard, and delete texts and email without reading them. I have made arrangements with my mother to be a go between for us from now on. Her number is ------, her cell phone is ------. She has enthusiastically agreed and casts no judgment or taken either side as she is aware of everything. There will be no exceptions.

W, I want us to find a path back. But in order for this to happen you must do several things:

- You must end the affair with OM completely.
- You must make a sincere, remorseful apology to me and assume accountability for what you’ve done.
- You must take time to recover from the addiction and grieve the loss.
- You must return to counseling with me to explain why this happened and to teach me how to fulfill your emotional needs.
- You must be willing to accept ‘extraordinary’ measures to help reassure me the affair has ended.
- You must break contact permanently with other friendships you developed during the affair.
- You must never return to the gym where you met him or any place you know he frequents.

I know this is going to be hard for you but I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you in the process. I have utmost confidence that MC can help us, but is up you to realize that it can happen. I want nothing more than to bring this family back together and grow closer, more loving and happier than either of us ever thought possible. The beauty of this process is that we CANNOT return to things the way they were.

This is very hard for me, and I know using a third party to communicate will be hard for you, but my own emotional well being demands it. You should also know that I have sent the following text message to OM: “OM, I love my wife very much, her step-daughter misses her too. I will do anything I can to repair our marriage. I am waiting for her to realize what we’ve lost and to give me a chance to make it work.”

I love you W and I want to remain your husband, I hope someday you can see what we’ve lost.

Peter.

star*fish
Peter,

I just finished reading your other posts....wow...what a story! And you are one cool dude.....your wife is a fool....she also sounds like she isn't sure about this divorce. So answer some questions for me:

Is she living with the OM?

What made you think "dating" was a good idea for you right now?

Have you stopped seeing Lacey?

PeterAC500
Starfish,

I don't know much about the OM. I see a lot of us tend to bash the OP and insist what a mistake our WS's have made. In truth she has complained to me about some of his character flaws but having met him just one time, my impression was that he was actually a very nice person... and cute (dammit).

As far as them living together I know the situation was this, he lives with 2 roommates. I don't know if he has moved in with her or not. I always assumed she would have asked him to by now. So my answer is, I don't know.

I started dating because every self help book I ever read said I should. To be honest, I had the most incredible time this summer but my WW was always the missing piece. She missed out on so much.

Yes I have stopped seeing Lacey. With honesty and empathy I told her I did care about her but I was still in love with my wife and could not shake the feeling. I said it was not fair to drag her down into what could end up as a co-depenndant situation with me in my emotional state. She was hurt and wanted to remain just friends. I went on one date with her since then and it was with a group of people. We didn't so much as hug good-bye. I have not talked to her in a week.

star*fish
Peter,

I'm not a OP basher....or a basher of anyone....so my questions are about understanding your situation so that I can best help you apply the MB program.

I'm not sure what books you've been reading that tell you "dating" while still married is a good idea....especially if you still want to save your marriage.....but I'm glad you're here now....because I think that is the biggest mistake you made in this whole thing. I personally think you should end all contact with Lacey....no group dates, no friendship....complete with no contact letter and all!

Until you divorce....you are a married man....and it's ridiculous to expect your wife to adhere to standards you aren't sticking to yourself. You can't ask her to end her affair.....while you're dating....surely you can see the problem in that, right?

So....before you go into Plan B....you need to clean your own house first.

PeterAC500
Done. I have no problem with that and you are absolutely right. In fact, I really need to start working on "annoying habits" as well. Tommorow morning I'm going back on the patch to quit smoking. A source of many arguments.


PeterAC500
I sent her this letter.

Lacey,

I'm sorry to have to write you this letter. About a month ago I told you it was too hard to keep seeing you because I was still in love with my wife. The truth is, I remain loving her and I don't want to do anything that will change that feeling.

W and I have talked, and we will be going to see a different and much more intense marital counsellor together. I have come to realize that as much pain as her affair has caused me, my relationship with you has caused her pain too. She has never said it, but I sense its true. In some ways, it can even be considered an affair of its own accord. It pains me to think that I have hurt her. If the session goes well I am going to ask her to begin her seperation from OM so that we can enter a period of recovery. It will be long and arduous and I will not ask her to do something that I am not willing to do myself.

You are a wonderful person and have showed me such kindness when I needed it the most. I feel awful and only wish the best for you. I know that this letter will mean there can never be a future for us. I hope somehow you can understand that it is a chance I'm willing to take. I promised her for better or worse and so I must stand here for the worse and let her find her way back to me.

Please respect my request that there can be no contact between us in any way. You have taught me so much and I am ever grateful for your patience and advice. I am so sorry for hurting you like this. Somehow I think you saw this was going to happen though.

Sincerely,
Peter

star*fish
Peter,

I'm sure that you'll probably think the MB revision of this letter is "cold", but the truth is that it needs to be more of a "business" letter so that she knows you mean "business". It will hurt her, and if that didn't bother you on some level, I'd think less of you. However, the goal is to prevent her from holding out any hope and complicating an already awful situation....and to truly end contact. You were never emotionally available to her anyway....and that's just one of the many reasons why this was unfair.

So here is my revision....tell me what you think:

PeterAC500
They are excellent. Unfortunately, I already sent the other one. I wanted to get a letter out to her before I started getting phone calls about what I was going to do this weekend. She responded with a brief, "I understand" letter. It is the last communication I will accept from her. I've removed her numbers from my phone which i never learned by heart (a side effect of cell phone speed dial) and blocked her email address. Hmmm... I wish I'd done it your way. Nevertheless, I'm happy I did it.

Also, I was thinking and like Sherlock Holmes, I've made a deduction that they have NOT moved in together... yet. However, because she was going to her parents for 5 days I had offered to have her drop our cats off while she was gone. She did not take me up on the offer so she either took them with her like the last time OR she is having him say at her apartment while she is gone. Could be a first step to moving in. That would be bad wouldn't it?

Also, as broke as she is right now, she has still not sold her engagement ring, and that thing is worth a very pretty penny. So, for whatever reason, she's holding onto it. I don't know, I begin to think about these little things and my hope goes up. Then, I talk to her and feel like a worthless slug who has ruined her life. Hope, despair, hope, despair, its so draining.

I have to go out in a bit to get some nicotine patches. I figure in addition to ending things with Lacey, if I'm going to ask her to break a powerful addiction, I should break mine too. Maybe it'll help me understand what it feels like for her. I know thats like comparing apples to bowling balls, but I feel like I need to be doing something. At least this will be productive and maybe even help me gain some weight back.

Peter

star*fish
Peter,

hmmmmm.....okay.....well try not to act on impulse, it's one of things that is going to get you trouble. You're a high energy, can do, kinda man....and you feel as though you're running out of time....so it will be very hard to slow down....but it's better to be consistent than all over the place right now.

Moving in together with an A partner can be both good and bad. It's better at ending the fantasy....but it can also make the relationship more entrenched. I've seen it either end the relationship quickly when the fantasy goes *poof*....or make it difficult to separate.....mixed bag.

Now that you've ended your other relationship.....you need the opportunity to let your wife know that....as well as know you'd like her to do the same and give your marriage one last chance to work. When is your appointment?

PeterAC500
My appointment is this coming Friday, the 8th. I'm going to this thing knowing that things look abysmal right now. She has clearly stated that she has no intention of leaving the OM, and that our last MC was ineffective. She's actually right, before I even had a chance to speak our MC has asked my wife if the OM was available (meaning not married) and suggested she pursue that relationship and think about moving out permanently. By the end of the session she suggested we see a mediator and start dividing belongings and then scheduled us to come back a month later. Needless to say, we never made the second appointment. I felt railroaded. I sense the new MC truly believes marriages are important and salvageable.

I sent her a letter explaining that I had ended it permanently and gave a sincere apology explaining that I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I never stopped to think that my own A (and yes I'm willing to call it that) could be hurting her as much as her's hurt me. I told her I was ashamed and truly sorry. I c/c's a copy of the letter to her because I know I would expect the same thing: tangible proof that things are ending.

Although she has said she does not want to leave OM, I'm hoping that by the end of our session she will see that things are not as hopeless as she thought and might be willing to try. Truthfully, however, she has said to me regarding the OM, "the feeling of excitement and falling in love are long over." She seems pretty entrenched in the relationship.

One bright side, if you can call it that, is that on the phone she had thrown out a couple "conditions" if she were to come back. So maybe she's mulling over the possibility, who knows? I know her family supports the idea of us reconciling and have given me great support. I think the best thing right now is that she is there, with them, for a long period of time.

And I also stated that I was very excited about the possibility of beginning the journey home... for both of us.

Impulse is the enemy of success! Which leads me to my next question. From now until next Friday do I not contact her again? And what do I do if she contacts me?

Peter


star*fish
First thing we need to do is to do a consolidation thread. Most folks just don't have the time to read five different threads....and they can't give good advice if they can't follow what's happened, where you are, and what advice you've gotten so far. So later this afternoon.....I'll try to build you a good single thread....and then call for some of the other vets on the site to weigh in about your next step. For now....BE STILL and don't contact your wife. Let the weekend work for you....and let her supportive family do some healing with her over this weekend. Do not contact her until she comes home.....but be receptive if she calls you during the weekend.

You were smart to call your relationship with Lacey an affair.....it will help your wife to know that you judge your own actions the same way you judge hers. That shows consistency and compassion.....all good parts of a good Plan A.

Your first MC sounds like one of the many destructive counselors who don't save marriages at all!! I'm so glad you shopped around for a better one.....sheesh!!!

I have a feeling this isn't over Peter....and YES...."conditions" are a definite clue that she's not done yet. Be encouraged.

Peter,

OK, now let's talk about a Plan B letter. Unlike most posters here, I think the absolute key to a dynamite Plan B letter is brevity, accuracy, and a link towards solution.

My letter would be: I love you. I won't share you. When you feel the same way, contact me. Otherwise please do not contact me in any manner.

Nuff said.

You are talking to a six year old that wants to interpret ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you say SO SHE CAN BLAME YOU. Don't give her that novela about your undying love for her and your past life. Make this a 1800's Western Union telegram.

So that even that WW Child can understand.

Best of luck

Post deleted by PeterAC500

Cymanca, I was reading in the plan A/B forum and extrapolated a lot of the ideas that I liked and tried to follow the guideline for 10 things that it should contain. I am considering what you said though. The notion that she will be looking for someting to throw blame back at me for is very realistic. I'll think about it.

Peter

Okay....it's all here....but it's still a bit confusing. That's the challenge with multiple threads....you've got all kinds of discussions about different aspects of this story embedded in different places. Organizing them in a readable format (editting to just include the important parts) and making it read like a story is next. It needs to be organized in such a way, that it makes logical and chronological sense....it's easy to read....it's easy to follow....we're not quite there yet. You don't have to include everything....edit for comprehension and clarity. Put your timeline right on top. And we need to figure out a title that will draw in folks. I'm thinking something like: "I Want My Wife Back!!!: Vets and others, please weigh in!!" I can take a stab at this later....or you can revamp what you've done.

Oh and btw....like cymanca....I like brevity in Plan B letters....but I also really like the one you did. The only problem....is that you are NOT ready for Plan B. You had to stop dating so you can ask for your wife to end her affair....you did that. *hurray* You had to tell your wife you've recommitted....and you've done that. You've scheduled a new MC!! yay!!! Now, you need to finish the parts of Plan A that are yet undone (stop all love busters, a little more confrontation and filling needs). You've completed exposure....good!!! Now, do what you can to drag your feet on the divorce, and see what happens this next week with the new MC. And really importantly....don't run off half-c*cked....practice some patience and less panic.

Hang in there buddy.....you're in a good place.

Peter,

The notion here is that you can not force a reconciliation on anyone that doesn't want that R is somewhat false. You may beg, plead or extort a reconciliation on almost anyone other than a truly ruthless b*stard.

However to achieve a lasting R, I believe that the R must be a product of the WS, wanted by the WS, initiated by the WS, with most of the groundrules laid out by a loving(not foggy) BS. I believe that it is much better to have no contact for months than be a part of one or more false recoveries. M's rarely recover from a history of a WS being persuaded back into that M by the BS or any other party.

Cymanca,

I'm not sure what your last post means....it sounds good....but could you please expand a little?

Star,

I guess what I was trying to warn Peter about was going for a reconciliation while throwing caution, self respect and boundaries to the winds.

So while you can not, indeed should not, "talk" your WS into a reconciliation, you can certainly make sure the environment surrounding that R is conducive to a lasting R.

I believe my reasoning is found in your sig line!

Hope that helps <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Star*fish is this edited a little better?

Cymanca, I thought I defined my boundaries in that letter and made it clear what it would take to resume communication. I thought I was supposed to clearly mention that I wanted to remain married in the beginning and reaffirm that at the end. I can certainly change it if it is self-defeating.

Ok star*fish, so I just "dragged my feet" on the divorce. I called our mediator who told me she had not yet mailed out our divorce papers. I guess if I wanted them I'd be perturbed at this point; fortunately, I caught her in time. I told her we were going to try a new MC and that I'd prefer it if they remained out of sight and out of mind for right now. She was very enthusiastic, in fact, she even said that she understood if I was trying to not contact W and that if W called her she'd tell her she was finishing them up and would have them out as soon as possible. Basically she's going to help me stall. She asked who our new MC was and responded, "Oooo... I've heard good things about him".

Well that's done. Somehow, I know this is going to turn into a mistake.

Peter,

To tell you the truth, I did not read your Plan B letter. I rarely do.

Your last post has two questions as I see it. You don't define boundaries by what you say or write. You define them by the way you act. Secondly, it is not my desire for you to change your letter on the basis of what I think. That decision can only be made by you. I just want you to think of what you have done that produced reactions and change in your WW's persona. Listen to what she is telling you.

And if she does not know that you desire to remain married by now, I can think of no action that would convince her.

Cymanca,

Wow, that was... sobering. I have to rethink.

cymanca,

Peter cannot go to Plan B yet.....because he hasn't yet done a good Plan A. It's impossible to ask your wife to end her affair and enforce good boundaries....while you yourself are dating and have fuzzy boundaries of your own....that dog won't hunt. His wife wasn't sure at all that he wanted to work on the marriage because he was already dating someone else.

Star*fish. I took your advice, went over love busters as a guide to follow during MC. I went over emotional needs and listed all the signifcant things I did or didn't do to fulfill them. I'm trying to keep it all straight in my head because I don't want to go into this thing with a pocket full of note-cards. There are so many things I want to convey to her that I'm worried it will just be information overload.

My question to you, and EVERYONE is this: What do I do and say at MC that will have the most impact. How can I make the best of this three hours? The policy of radical honesty is key here, but what is my most important objective? To end the affair? To simply convince her that there is a loving, secure enviornment to return to? Under the circumstances what should I expect and what is the most important thing I can give?

Last night Cymanca's advice swam through my head like voracious sharks while I tried to fall asleep: "Listen to what she is telling you". Her words say its over with finality. Some of her actions lead me to believe she doesn't really believe that. To be honest, the only thing that has gotten through to her at all is no contact. Pleading didn't work, supporting her decision didn't work. It just seems that no matter what I do, besides stay away, has pushed her further. As soon as she tries to come back, she immediately runs for the hills.

So, I'm really at a loss as to how I should make best of our time in MC.

Peter,

Star*fish. I took your advice, went over love busters as a guide to follow during MC. I went over emotional needs and listed all the signifcant things I did or didn't do to fulfill them. I'm trying to keep it all straight in my head because I don't want to go into this thing with a pocket full of note-cards. There are so many things I want to convey to her that I'm worried it will just be information overload.

That information is for YOU Peter....it's not your job to teach her or help her understand it at this point. If she decides wants to remain in counseling and give the marriage a go....they'll be time for you to demonstrate those things.

My question to you, and EVERYONE is this: What do I do and say at MC that will have the most impact. How can I make the best of this three hours?

I think the most important thing you need to say are:

*I'm not ready to get divorced. I still love my wife and I would like the opportunity to be the husband she needs.

*I've ended my relationship with Lacey, and I would like my wife to end her affair with _________ so that we can give our marriage one last chance at success.

Other than those two things.....I'd let your wife talk. And as Cymanca says.....listen.

The policy of radical honesty is key here, but what is my most important objective? To end the affair? To simply convince her that there is a loving, secure enviornment to return to? Under the circumstances what should I expect and what is the most important thing I can give?

Expect nothing!!! You cannot control this situation. Be honest about where you are....not ready for divorce. And be honest about what the first step of reconciliation is.....ending the affairs. Then be still.

Peter....you are in the medical field and you're used to having to take control to save people's lives. You find it very hard not to be "active" or manipulating the outcome in some way. I'm asking you to let go of the outcome. Find a strong peaceful place where you can go into this meeting with dignity and calm.....to find out what your wife really wants. If she wants her affair partner....you've still made the right choice in ending the dates until you're divorced.

Last night Cymanca's advice swam through my head like voracious sharks while I tried to fall asleep: "Listen to what she is telling you". Her words say its over with finality.

I think Cymanca might not have read the thread with your Plan B letter where we talked about the dating situation. And if I'm reading him right.....he's worried about you begging and pleading....and rightly so....you have to keep your boundaries in place. Obviously, the first step....HAD to be respecting the same boundaries you want to enforce....which is why you had to stop seeing Lacey. But he's right that being "nice" and tolerant of the affair is not in your best interest.

Some of her actions lead me to believe she doesn't really believe that.

Me too.....and since she's willing to see a new MC....I really think it's worth the effort to find out where she is mentally.....especially after spending some time with her family who supports your marriage. Plus....you mentioned that she is beginning to see some of the faults of the OM....and that's a good thing too. You also mentioned that she started suggested conditions.....which means she's at least thinking about reconciliation.

To be honest, the only thing that has gotten through to her at all is no contact.

The problem is that "no contact" the way you were using was kind of a "playing hard to get" thing and the minute you resumed contact....she was running the other way. Stop playing games.....don't pursue her or avoid her. Show her that you love her....but will not whither and die if she won't come back. That's something you can do consistently....the other stuff is just "highschool".

Pleading didn't work,

nope, makes you look weak.

supporting her decision didn't work.

ditto

It just seems that no matter what I do, besides stay away, has pushed her further. As soon as she tries to come back, she immediately runs for the hills.

Try this: Do NOT intiate...that doesn't mean be cold or distant....just don't pursue her. If SHE intiates....be responsive....that doesn't mean over eager or mushy.

Be manly, be confident, be attractive, be independent, be strong....be the lighthouse. Ark's thread about being the lighthouse is currently on page one.....go read it. That's where you need to be.

Hope this helps.

My wife just sent me the following text message: "I'm sorry but I have decided not to go to counciling. Too much has happened".

What do I do now?

Do nothing for now Peter....don't respond....the way your wife has been going back and forth (and with some of the manipulation she's been using).....she may change her mind in an hour. Go spend the afternoon doing something that is fun and that you love to do and stop worrying about what you "need" to do about her for now. Don't enter her chaos. Ultimately, if she refuses to go....then you'll probably have to go to Plan B. But don't send that letter yet though.....they'll be some revisions with the changes of the last few days.

In a knee jerk reaction I had responded with, "I have no response for your decision right now". I should have sent nothing at all, you're right. I should find something to do.