Impulse is killing my progress.

This particular post was an ill-thought, misguided rant. It was foolish to even think of.

He doesn't care about you or your family.

Is the counselor that you are going to the same one who told your wife to go live with the OM, and you should just get over it?

No, this was a new MC, very good. I was excited about it. Now it doesn't matter I guess, she doesn't want to go anymore.

Peter - There's a saying in a sales training class I once took to "KEEP YOUR BELLY BUTTON COVERED".

Right now, your emotions are raw and all over the place. She's yanking your chain, pulling you back into the old Peter who used to react instead of act with loving intention.

Get your belly button unexposed, man! Act how you intend to act as her husband and as a man and as a father - no matter what she dishes out.

Thanks KaylaAndy, I needed a good slap in the face. Brought me to my senses!

Well I'd like to slap you again!! doggone it Peter!!! This is the second time you've asked for advice, I've responded promptly with good advice....and instead....you've gone off half-c*cked like a loose cannon. You're right that your impulsiveness is going to be your undoing. Why ask for advice if you're just going to do whatever you want to anyway?

Okay, lecture over....I'm sure you're really disappointed by her refusal....I'm sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Have you ever heard the saying "A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing"? Your knowledge of MB is not good enough to act on your own. It would be like attempting neurosurgery because you've dissected a frog.

Star*fish, I sent that before I even posted the message and regretted it immediately but I can't thank you enough for your advice. I have wanted to call her all day to say, "For god's sake, stop screwing with my head!" But I haven't. I probably would have if it were not for you. Instead, I haven't done a thing. And actually, I've been dreading what you you were going to say. I need to do 10 Serenity Prayers and 4 Our Lady's. Just so you know Star*fish, you're keeping me sane! I started a nice little home improvement project though and I got to go out and buy a new tool. So I'm happy.

Peter,

Don't just drop off the board and fade away okay? It's not over until the fat lady sings.....keep us posted....and try not to act impulsively.

Star*fish,

Sometimes I think you can read my mind. You've obviously been doing this for a long time and have seen all kinds of things. After yesterday, I was ready to just throw in the towel on everything. I felt like I was wasting your, Cymanca's and everone else's time on a hopeless situation. I have read and re-read the letter she sent me on Wednesday and I cannot see room for "reading between the lines"; she seems resolved. (I'd be happy to forward it to you for your own perusal) Talking to her Thursday was more of a, "I think its worth it just to see what'll happen because I've grown and learned kind of speech." To which she replied something along the lines of, "I'm not leaving OM, I don't want to leave OM, too much has happened, our marriage was never good, the thought of being intimate with you ever again sickens me, I just want the D, but make the appointment and I'll think about it." She thought about it, like she agreed, and said "no" two days later.

I feel exactly like Voltaire's Candide: The Eternal Optimist. If you don't know his story, basically he was a chinese soldier who's wife was whisked away by a baron. She didn't resist much. He spent his whole life searching for her and remained ever optimistic. The wife endured a hard time at first but eventually enjoyed a lavish lifestyle, never trying to reunite with him and becoming run down and weathered. In the end he eventually finds her again and thinks, This is what I've spent my whole life searcing for? He leaves without her.

I just feel that, as much as I've been trying to learn and grow, to expand my perceptions of the dissolution from her point of view, to truly meditate and empathize with her and to accept my wrongdoing and seek positive change. She, should she return, will remain the same as when she left. She has said to me an countless occassions the same line, "MC can never work for us because I feel like I've never done anything wrong in our marriage; its always been your fault."

I love her, I want her, but like I said above, She just seems to know what she's talking about and I worry the only reason she's is upset is because we have not divorced fast enough. Holding on, stalling the divorce, apologies... its like I'm merely a ghost; I'm haunting her... torturing her. So Star*fish, I'll keep posting but I'm just not going to try anymore.

I know too little right now and have not enough time to learn more. If she were to call me right this second, I would not know what to say. Had she gone to MC I would not know what to do. No matter what I say or do for her, it is ALWAYS wrong. I am ALWAYS, "unstable". I am ALWAYS, "unable to change". She has tried "test the water's" several times, and each time used it as a chance to confirm she was right to leave. From now on, I'm just going to say, "hello" and then shut my mouth.

My one advantage was that her family adored me. My sister, in an act of malevolent cruelty, turned them all against me. Then she had the gaul to email to revel in the final destruction of my marriage. I do not think it coincidence that W contacted me to say, "forget it" while she was with her family. Before that, her 'scouting' had come soon after her trips home. So, I have no support anymore. Exposure is no longer working for me, rather it is now most likely being used around her family table as an example of my "insanity". I want to call her mother to ask her if she wants me to just let her daughter go at this point. Don't worry though Star*fish, I won't do it.

I've just made too many mistake already.

Peter

Thank you everyone for your kind words and generous help but we are done. I just don't have the strength to do what it takes and don't see light from either end of the tunnel anymore. Last night I sent my wife a text saying I loved her, missed her and was proud to be her husband and to call me if she could. She replied that she couldn't because she had "company". This morning I texted her and asked her if she could talk after school. She replied, "I guess". I said great, I'll get you a chai tea, call me when you're done.

And so she just called. She doesn't have time to sit for a cup of tea. She is too busy doing other things right now. She does not want to go to counciling because her heart just isn't in it. I told her the affair was hurting me, I wanted to go to MC to talk about it, for closure if nothing else. She said, "No, its a waste of time, my heart isn't in it. And the line about the pain you're in is bull, I never had an affair, something happened, I told you about it and moved out three days later. I am NOT having an affair. I am only sad because this is taking so long. We need to just get this done. If I change my mind about going to this meeting for closure I'll call you later this week." The tone of her voice left no room to think she was either unsure or had any intention of going. I think she threw that in there to end the conversation.

Well, there you have it. Divorce in a can. I called our mediator to get the paperwork but her voicemail is full. I'll try again later tonight. I truly believed after talking to you all that maybe she was just lost and confused. The truth is, she left and never looked back. I believe that when the divorce is final she will settle into her new routine just fine and be quite happy. I believe she is right; this is my fault. It was my fault she left, it is my fault she can't fathom coming back. It is my fault she won't even go to MC for closure.

I don't see her being in chaos, sad, remorseful or regretful in any way. She seems quite healthy in fact. So, we should be done in a week or two.

Peter

I'm so sorry.

I really hope you dont believe this load of Bull#$@. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Most people who leave from a solid marriage for fantasy do not stay happy for long. Believe me......my EX has done just about everything in her power the last 4yrs to make herself happy again, and it hasnt worked one bit. She dumped her married (BF) of 4yrs.....remodeled her whole house, started internet dating, and I just recently found out she got her belly button pierced. LOL, and guess what??? She is still totally bitter and angry.

Yes I believe those things. They must be true. There is no other explanation. Today is the first day i've truly felt hopeless. I didn't want to let go believing a paraphrase from a famous line, "she's not heavy, she's my wife". But its gone, its over and there's nothing I can do. I sent her this text courtesy of ^Ark^, "Wife, I believe right now you are lost to yourself and everyone who loves you. You can convince them otherwise, but I know the truth. I will always be here for you."

I didn't want to end things with a love buster so I figured I'd just throw that out there. At least she'll get a good hearty laugh out of it.

Trust me......(from personal experience) it gets better.

If one person truly wants the marriage over, there is nothing you can do anyhow. But, you have to believe me when I say the tables will turn one day. You will be the one that has moved on, started a different life and will be happy and at peace. Your WW, more than likely will wonder what the ****** she did by giving up on your marriage. Ive been there, and heard it straight from my EXs mouth.....albeit 3yrs after the divorce and my remarriage.

ABSOLUTELY! I'm living proof of this myself. My husband made it ABUNDANTLY clear that he didn't love me, wasn't in love with me, didn't care about me, didn't care where I went or what I did...he was so very mean and I remember crying and crying and crying because of how mean he was to me. It hurt so deeply...BUT

Now that we're back together I'm getting the answers I want. And I asked specifically, "Why were you so mean and cold? Why did you say all of those things?" His reply, "Because I knew the only way I could totally disconnect myself from you was to try to make you pissed enough where you would just not try for me anymore. I couldn't face you...it killed me to know that I'd hurt you, but looking at you and facing you everyday made it so much worse. I couldn't handle it anymore...I had to say and do anything I could to make you believe I was done and wanted out."

I was shocked...mostly at what an oscar performance it was. He LOOKED like he didn't love me anymore. He LOOKED disgusted by me. He thought there was more for him...and now he will tell you that he tried to leave the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him...and he's a better man, a better person, more considerate, MORE loving and affectionate...

Watch Peter...she will try so hard to be happy. She will try so hard to forget you. She will try so hard to think you were nothing to her...but every dog gets there day and she WILL hit rock bottom and she WILL open her eyes someday.

The question is...will you be there when she does? That's totally up to you. I had my own house, my own car, a full-time job...I had a great life after I got over the devastation...and at that point I thought, I'm doing the best I ever had...if he came back right now would I take him? I ended up taking him but only after HOURS of questioning and website searching and consults with friends trying to weight out the pros and cons of it all.

You will see how this will flip around...hard to believe I know. I didn't believe it when people told me the same thing...but my God it came true, it happened and unfolded just like they said.

Hang in there...
Kor

All of this sounds so familiar to me. I mean, almost identical. My wife eventually admitted that she did have an affair and did cheat on me many times after our baby was born, but otherwise it has been quite similar.

Don't you dare blame yourself. I've been where you are, and sometimes still find myself falling back that direction... don't let it happen.

If you need someone to talk to when you feel that way, come here. Talk to us. ******, PM me if you want someone to talk to about things and I'll send you my IM IDs so we can chat.

This is all her fault. She chose to have an affair. She chose to move out. Yes, things may have happened in the marriage that made it difficult, and there were no good guys in that story (like in my case), but in the end, SHE made these decisions herself. YOU had nothing to do with them. YOU had no part in them.

Remember that.

"I didn't want to end things with a love buster so I figured I'd just throw that out there."

Hate to say it, but she probably took it as a lovebuster, as would many other women (I know my wife would)

translation of what you said:
"You dont know what you are doing. I know you better than you do".

that's a "disrespectful judgement".

See what I mean? I coudn't do anything right to save my marriage. Couldn't even say good bye properly.

You now why you feel like you can't do anything right with her, right?

You were trying to tell a WS you love her. WS' don't know how to handle real love. They just like that fog fix the A gives them.

You are stressing over losing a WS. You s/b happy to lose the WS because that will give your real W a chance to return.

Now go read Surviving an affair (Harley)and Love must be tough (Dobson).

L.

L.