C, how about an update here?

How are things with you?

HTW

Looks like we cross posted. LOL!

So I'll cut and paste what I just wrote on the other thread.

Well your plan B has certainly been dark from this end! You sound like you are doing well with your personal recovery. That has pretty much been my focus as well. FWH is home 4-5 days a week. He is focusing on the house and the kids... in his way thats focusing on the M. We have good days and bad days. I have accepted my part in the failure of our M and I have forgiven myself. I'm still waiting for him. I can't rebuild our M without him. I do believe the A and all contact has ended but I do not consider us to be in recovery. I know what I want and I will not settle for less.

Work is going well, I started Country line Dancing classes...its fun and I continue to rediscover myself and what I enjoy. The kids are doing well in school.

We are almost finished w/ the sun pollar. We finished the windows and last weekend took up the carpet to expose the beautiful oak floors w/ maple enlay detail....to find that when the laid the carpet they GLUED it directly to hardwood floor!!!I can't believe it. So now we will hire someone to come in to sand them down and refinish.

We just found out FIL cancer has returned after 12 years of being cancer free. We are not sure the extent of it yet.

So life goes on.

OMG, I soooo feel for you guys! Didi they glue the entire thing or just around the area of the room a few feet?

Well, well, Well...It sounds like you are doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Line dancing huh? You're a better woman then ME! LMAO
I'm not a line dancer! LOL
BUT I DO LIKE TO BOOGIE! ROFLMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Rin,
Yes they glued the entire carpet down in a room 20'x 10', we've tried scrapping and got most of it off but it will need to be sanded to get to bare wood. I just love old houses...but this is nuts!

Went to my CLD (Country Line Dance) class...it was a hoot! I love to dance...mostly club dancing...freestyle. Before I was married that was most of my work out routine. I use to work 3p-11p and my roommate and I and people I worked w/ would go dancing 3-4 nights a week. I didn't drink just danced. That's actually where I met my H. In the 18 years we've been married he never once took me out to dance. I would get to dance at weddings and the annual Halloween Party and the annual St. Patty's Party but we haven't been to those parties in the last couple years. There was no way I'd go out clubbin' w/o my H...so dancing around the house was the extent of it. So I'm having a good time w/this class.

At the class a friend of mine who also knows OW/OWH said that OW is still home w/ OWH but they are just co-existing.

With my FWH slow progress and lack of ambition to fix our M I have to wonder if they are in contact. He is not coming down tonight and I feel....relieved...I don't want to see him....I think it may be time for plan B again...I'm losing feelings for him.

Hi Cha Cha! Country Line Dancing...AWESOME!!! That sounds like so much fun. I have never been much of a dancer, but that sounds like something I may want to learn! I love country music. I feel like I am the only person on Long Island who does! There is not even a country mucic station here on the radio so I have my CD's!!

I know I have said this before but your FWH sounds so much like my WH. Your FWH hates Plan B and mine won't even move out so I can do Plan B. But your FWH also does not sound like he is providing the safe place he is supposed to be while in RECOVERY.

I kind of thought my marriage was in about the same place as yours until I found out about ongoing contact with OW. I thought my WH was just not working on our marriage, but he was at least IN the marriage. I should have known contact was ongoing.

You sound great! I am hoping to get to the same place as you in my personal life.

A couple of observations here CC.

First, if OW is not working hard at her M then most likely she is getting her needs met outside M. She still sounds like an OW to me and who else would she be getting her needs met by. Remember, in most cases, even occasional contact will prevent the WS from fully committing to the M.

Second, the main objective of Plan B is to protect the BS's love for the WS. I remember Steve Harley telling me once that huge LB withdrawals are made if the BS finds out there is continued contact between WS and OP while meeting needs of the BS.

CC, it may be time for a final long, hard and VERY DARK Plan B. All or nothing...no more crumbs. You certainly deserve much more and are worthy of respect and kindness.

Maybe Plan B conditions might be NC and moving to a new town. If you continue as you are I don't think you will be even will to try any more.

Plan B got his attention last time so if you stick to your guns it might work. And what use will it be if you end up running out of love for him anyway.

Think about it and let me know.

I wish you all the best sweety...I really do.

HTW

I agree. I don't think she will just go away quietly. I don't know the whole story of the A but I believe she persued him for years before he noticed. She was a family "friend". I would bet money she is still sending the occassional ---I miss you. How are you? We didn't do anything wrong---kind of emails or IM's...just a feeling. She has painted her BH who wouldn't hurt a fly as an abuser who is trying to control her...while he works 2 jobs so she can be a stay at home mom. That's their problem. I don't want either of them in my life or marriage.

FWH called last night after he was driving back to his Dad's from a meeting he had up north. We actually had a pretty indepth conversation about the state of our marriage and what we plan to do about it. As he was driving he came upon a pretty severe thunderstorm ( I could hear it) so we decided it would be safer to continue the conversation another time. (I kind of took the thunderstorm as a sign from God.)

So a dialog has started I will not let it drop. I am encouraged by this. FWH doesn't have a plan on how to fix M. I told him that we need a plan so we can take action and that if he doesn't want to take action then maybe we shouldn't see eachother or talk to eachother for a while. He didn't like that idea at all..."How are we going to fix things if we don't see or talk to eachother?" I told him thats why we need a plan. My FWH is not thrilled about MC because of a past experience we had (he was in midst of A). I would really like him to speak to SH....I think its more bang for the buck.

This is progress. You've got a Xws wondering why you won't take him back...as is. That's a good sign. Best to keep him using those grey cells wondering what he needs to do to get his family back.

Your request for him to come up with a recovery plan is excellent. See you don't have t/d all the work. You just have to exercise patience. In time, you may want to bop him over the head when you don't feel safe. Refrain from the physical actions (bopping on the head - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) but don't coddle him either.

If you are to recover your M, he needs to step up to the plate. In our case, the stakes for return when up each time he stepped backwards. Make the trek a bit longer but the family was his goal and worth the effort. Give him a goal.

As for talking with Steve, that's a great idea. If he balks, let him know that you have done a lot of research and find that Steve will help him develope a good plan. Let him go find out what that means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

aloha!
Yes, I will not accept FWH only my H. Now that I am feeling a bit detached its easier to talk about my feelings. The fear is gone. For me anyway....during the conversation he mentioned that he looked at the EN questionaire I gave him and it scared the ****** out of him he put it away without filling it out.
In the midst of conversation I have to learn to say my thoughts...I guess years of self editing...being afraid to say the wrong thing. I should have done a reflective statement "The questionaire scared you." I don't know if his responses scared him or what my responses would be. This is something I have to clarify w/ him.

He called this morning at 7:20 when he got to work (not the norm).
I will continue to try to get him to talk to SH. He doesn't want to do traditional counceling he is not a fan of psychobabble. SH is more of a marriage coach, ...do XYZ...straight forward direction and giving encouragement and inspiration.

Maybe there is a chance afterall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Its crazy busy at work today. I have to get out on time because I'm going to a James Blunt concert w/my sister tonight. (She is CRAZY for James Blunt) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />We have front row tickets!!This weekend I will be going w/ FWH & the kids to my FIL's. So I won't be on line til Monday.

Take care everyone...you are in my prayers.

Have a great time tonight and this weekend!

That song "Goodbye My Lover" from James Blunt is a real tear jerker and really hits home when you listen to it.

It should be a short concert since I'm not sure he any other albums to play from <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

See you next week!

First...the good news....I had an AWESOME time at the James Blunt concert!!! We had front row seats nothing between us and the stage! They came around and put bracelets on us and later announce only those w/ bracelets wound be allowed up to the stage....needless to say we didn't even sit in our seats the rest of the night. My sister touched his leg and we got kinks in our necks from looking up at him. ( getting old) It was fun!!



HTW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />!Along w/songs from his current CD he played some new songs that were great and did a cover of "Breakfast in America" from Super Tramp...better then the original! (psst HTW it is called CD now....no longer referred to as an album. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

My sister goes on the James Blunt website and has met "boardies" there. We met up w/ a few of them at the concert...that was cool. I imagined how fun it would be to meet up w/ some of you guys at a concert. One of the boardies donated $2800 to Doctors w/o Borders and it bought here a private meeting for her and her friend to meet James Blunt. They talked w/ him privatel for an hour and then he invited the to stay for the after party so they hung out w/ the band til 2 AM.

The rest of the news....
I think I'm headed back to plan B. I met my FWH & kids at his Dad's house on Sat. They were out playing miniture golf so I got to visit w/ FIL alone for a little while. They came back and we stayed and played pool etc. As we were leaving FIL house to go out to RV FWH phone rang. He answered and I heard him say "Hi! How are you?" and then he walked out of hearing range. It was probably less then a minute that he was on the phone. My gut tells me it was her. The tone of his voice ran chills up my spine. He didn't offer who was on the phone. Later when I checked his phone the 27sec call was listed as "no name....unavailable" which leds me to believe she called him using a calling card or block her number.

I didn't confront him about who was on the phone. I am itching to get in a fight w/ him. So at the time I figured I would just file it away and see how the rest of the weekend went. That night we joined friends who were having a party. The kids were invited to sleep over so I thought we would get time alone to talk. As we were leaving DD decided to stay w/ us instead of sleepover. So we didn't get time alone. I slept on the couch in the RV and let him have the bedroom DD slept in the bunk.

The next day, we had breakfast and went to BIL house. BIL and H's BF had tickets to go to Eagles/Dallas football game.So we saw SIL and nieces/nephew. Without talking to me about it WH made arrangements to go watch NASCAR race w/ his BF's wife (where DS had spent the night). That was it I had enough. He has known BF's wife for 22 years and they have a grand time talking but have always managed to keep me out of the conversation. Usually BF or somebody else is around that I can talk to. I'm done. I just couldn't even look at him any more. I went to niece's soccer game (they won) and DD & stayed watched the race and the football game w/ SIL. I did call WH and let him know I was going to stay there....he choose to stay w/ BF's wife.

I'm ready for plan D....but I will do plan B for a while. I guess I have to come up with another letter. Right now I really just want to tell him off. So I have resisted writing anything...maybe I'll work on it later today.

He leaves for a week long trip to Puerto Rico tonight.

I did go and pick DS up to take him home. WH left BF's house at that point I couldn't look at him, much less talk to him I was I afraid of all the LB's dying to get out. I just kept telling myself no LB's before Plan B. This suks!

Hey ChaCha,
Glad you had a great time at the concert- sounds like it was
a blast ! I like his music too.
Sorry that you are not making the progress you had hoped
for and that there might be some contact going on between
FWH and OW- I know personally what a disappointment it is
when you've begun to feel that there is some hope and things
were improving.

Great job on preventing the LB's- makes for a better Plan B.

Nothing really new here, but will update on my thread re;
job interviews and my appt with SH today.
Hang in there !
Slammed

(((((Cha-Cha))))

So you see why I wanted my H to come home?

I'm so sure that he would have started up with her again if he had not come home to live with me immediately.

That's my perspective.

I think you need to confront withot LBing, telling him that you heard the call, etc...calm, cool and assertive.....

Ask him what his PLAN is to STOP CONTACT NOW for good.

One thing that infidelity does to us is make our radar supersensitive to anything that seems questionable. More times than not, I trust my gut feeling now as it is our body's way of telling us something is not right.

CC, if true, I think this explains alot about your WH and why he seems to be perpetually stuck in cake eating land.

He hasn't committed to you or recovery, you don't feel safe, he is not transparent and you are loosing love for him. It's Plan B time.

Last time Plan B seemed to pull him off the fence until he reengaged you and then he started cake eating again. I think this time you make it an all or nothing Plan B. The conditions for renewed contact with him should be clearly outlined and then you go VERY DARK on him. It will be very hard on you, but you don't want this type of M anymore do you CC? You are certainly worthy of respect and kindness, whereas you are currently settling for crumbs.

If he was truly committed he would be revealing EVERYTHING to you and making himself transparent.

We can help you with your new plan b letter so that it is perfectly clear to him on what he needs to do.

So that is my opinion CC...it's Plan B time again and this time you go very dark and wait for actions...not words from him. You deserve better than this.

HTW

ChaCha -

Hey there!! I'm frustrated as heck to hear what your WH is up to.....Man, why can't they just get their heads out of their arses and fly straight????

I am learning from personal experience that the crumbs we get thrown are not worth it.

Hugs to you, thinking about ya!

Kim

CC, I've been thinking about you. Hope everything is well.

Drop in and give us an update.

HTW

Hi, ChaCha...

I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you too.

You're in my thoughts and prayers...please let us know how you are doing!

((((((((ChaCha))))))))

Hi guys...thanks for thinking of me.
I needed to "step away" from the board for a bit. As part of my personal recovery I wanted to stop thinking of myself as a "BS"....I really just want to be me. I was getting so wrapped up in the BS role and getting frustrated when FWH wasn't doing the MB steps I wanted him to.

Things are improving..by babysteps. We took a trip w/ the kids to Rhode Island and had a great time. He has been talking to me more. We got the floors refinished and they look beautiful. FIL had surgery (He was in the OR for 10 hours!!!) and he is recovering better then I had expected. We have our 18th wedding anniversary on Sunday. I would love that to be the start of our new marriage.

I haven't caught up on everyone yet but...
Rin it looks like you've been on a crazy ride....remember remain calm and BE STILL!

HTW....how is plan B for you?