I know I said I'd sent it. But I haven't yet. It's been sitting on my computer for days and days, and I just don't know. I want to post it here and see what you all think. It's really long, it feels like a form letter, and I don't think it works right. So I'm going to ask for advice.

Here it is, my Plan B:

August 31, 2006

My Dearest <WW>,


I have been struggling for the past several weeks to write you this letter. It has gone back and forth in my mind, never really coming together in any way that I felt comfortable. Finally, it is here. Every word comes from the heart; the words of true love as only can be spoken from husband to wife.

You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and I have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for 3 1/2 wonderful years, it was enough.

I would like to take a moment to openly admit my part in the demise of our marriage. I allowed myself to become complacent and too comfortable. After the baby was born, instead of allowing for changes to occur as they naturally do, I allowed myself to react inappropriately to the changes in the stability of our household. I allowed myself to react with anger as opposed to understanding. I stopped meeting your emotional needs and tried to control your life. I didn’t give you the time and attention that you may have wanted. All of this could easily have made other men look more appealing, and I know that know. For all of that, I apologize most sincerely.

I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: I am devoted to our marriage and I want to do whatever it takes to put it back together in a way that would make us both satisfied. I have been soul-searching and finding ways to be the sort of man that would make you happy; the sort of man whom you would be proud to say is your husband, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my wife. The past should be the past… it should be behind us, so that we can build a strong future for each other and for our son.

The past three and a half months have been very difficult for me. Very likely, this has been the most difficult emotional trauma I have ever experienced. Out of nowhere, I found out everything, and it has hit me like a truck. I still find myself often feeling hurt and angry, not knowing where you are, who you are with, or what you are doing. Clearly, we have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. I don’t know where or how this happened, but it did, and it is one of the most frightening and saddening things I have ever experienced.

I feel I have learned much in the past few months. I know now that, while in the past I just allowed myself to feel the hurt and the anger, it is gradually eroding away the love I have always had for you. I don’t want that, as I still want to see our marriage survive. Therefore, until such time as you can come back to our home and we can truly begin to work together on our marriage, I will be having no communications with you, and I will not see you. This is not meant as punishment; it is to protect my feelings for you and our chance at reconciliation. If we were to continue as we have, there would be nothing left.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured while you were gone. I just can’t fight for our marriage alone anymore. I am weary. I still love you, and I will always love you, but I just cannot continue to see you or talk to you under these conditions. From this point on, any and all communication between us will be through <friend>, unless of course there is a serious emergency.

I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect <DS> financially, specifically child support and how to set that up.

I want us to be a team. I want us to work together to restore our marriage. I want you to know that, no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. We can make a better future for all of us, together. Look deep inside yourself; I know you have the love and the strength to do this, and I know you’ll find it.

You’ve said and done many things in the past several months that have been very hurtful. Things that have hurt me more than you can ever know. Right now, you’re right; we’re not good for one another. But I know we can be. It would just take a little work, a little effort, and a few changes from both of us. I would, of course, need you to break contact with many people. You know who they are, whereas I may not know them all. It would take a no-contact commitment from you, you would need to stop playing Lineage 2, you would need to change your email address and other online contact information, and you would need to never contact those people again. This would be the only way I could ever start to regain trust in you.

I have never and will never give up hope. But, I will not let us continue to hurt one another. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

I love you, <WW>. Never forget that.

Love, Always and Forevermore,
<BS>

P.S. – For any “others” who may read this: I love my wife with every fiber of my being; heart, body, mind, and soul. I will never give up on us, even though one day I may have to move on.


Anyway, that's it. That's the letter. Please tell me what you think.

I will say this briefly. Your letter sounds too needy. I believe you are to make this short and brief and to the point. NO - how much I love you, NO - how much I thought we would be together till death does us apart, just make it short and brief and to the point.

You are almost like begging in this letter. Some of it is good like child support and being friends. Even being friends isn't going to happen.

Hopefully someone else will respond. For this needs to be an important statement when sent to your spouse. Blessings.

Way too long.

Make sure you state what your boundaries are. What are they. You need to determine what you need her to change, spell it out. I.E. No contact, ever; POJA, work on marriage, etc. then you will have contact.

Look, she knows you love her, why remind her...short and to the point is always best...

Heh, most of the letter was borrowed from examples in another thread. But I am fully open to changing it, if people think I should. It'll be interesting to see how LA and others tear into it... if they do.

I think it's too long as well.

More importantly - Do this first.

I'm not familiar with your story. What were the circumstances of the separation?

Here was my original message:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3046992

It's just too much to reiterate, heh. I'm sure that others can relate to that.

OK, I didn't read that entire thread - so maybe something positive came up after your first post. But I'll assume it didn't.

I suggest you consult an attorney and get full legal custody of your son. Get control of as much jointly held financial assets as you can and as much property as you can.

Then file for divorce. You can find a real woman. In the meantime, being a single parent is your more important task.

Let the filing for divorce be your Plan B.

Sorry. For now, she is a lost cause.

JMHO

WAT

Things have changed with her somewhat since I posted that. She has a good job now and has already gotten a promotion. She's stopped being so promiscuous (she's apparently 'seeing' someone locally now), and I think she's stopped doing drugs.

Still, she says nothing but hurtful things to me when we talk... how happy she is (she hasn't been this happy in 'years') etc, and she always brings up the divorce papers when we talk. Hence, I haven't spoken to her but 2 times in the past 3 weeks, and don't intend on talking to her at all until it's time for the divorce.

I don't want to give up on her. She has so much potential. I've seen it. And I really was in love with her; I really was willing to do anything for her. I know, though, that I have to give up on her. That I have to move on. She is not meetig her potential and may never do so.

I just wish it could be easier on me. It seems so easy for her... it's just not fair.

RogueX.......You said it all in the statements above.......


You are IN LOVE with who you want your WW to be, not actually who she is. Alot of people do that.....they will marry someone who is not the greatest (drugs, promiscuous, liars and/or all of it) because they feel they can change them and make them who they want to be. That is not possible. You marry a person for whom they are. I dont think your WW will ever change.....what you see is what you get in most relationships.

No, it's not fair. If life WAS fair, we'd be responsible for all the bad chit that happens to us.


[sarcasm] Terrific. [/sarcasm]

X - you're young and you likely can get full custody of your son. If you've got your chit together and you're a good Dad, do you realize how appealing that is to a good woman? Add on the really wise stuff you can learn about relationships here and you'll be WAY ahead in the next relationship dept.

Be the best dad you can be. Put your child first. Leave the child that was your wife behind. The rewards awaiting you are beyond description.

JMHO

WAT

I know that good women should flock to me because I'm a good dad, heh. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. Maybe that's just because I still haven't allowed myself to totally let go yet. And I know that there are better women out there for me... but still, it seems like it's not true.

Hey, it's not true, in my book...RX...

We're all created equal and separate from each other...so how can there be better women out there?

Different, yes. And going through this, you're changing, you're different, aren't you?

To me, love isn't about finding the right partner...it really is about BEING one. All we can control.

And when God brings you to it...he brings you through it.

Self-comfort in reality...know what is...your boundaries and standards...focusing on your son, learning like WAT says, all about yourself, needs, LBs, perspectives and beliefs...getting to know thoroughly what you cannot control and what only you control...knowing who you choose to love and why...

seems more essential to me than filling yourself up with someone else...filling up from the outside...instead of overflowing out to others...

JMO.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thank you LA. You give me hope that maybe someday she'll come out of her fog and we'll be able to have a strong M again. I just have to try and balance that hope, though. I don't want to wait for her, you know? Just in case she doesn't pull through.

I have it documented, the things she's said to me. About her cancelled vacation to see the Navy boy down in Hawaii, and about the fact that she's now 'seeing' someone. Since all of this is purely a he-said/she-said sort of thing, how am I going to use this against her once the lawyers come into play? If she really does have a new boyfriend, I'm positive that she's slept with him already, and she probably hangs all over him. But how do I prove it? She will, of course, deny everything... every little affair, every little fling, every little boyfriend.

Give me some advice... preferrably something that wouldn't require me to be hurt by what I saw and that otherwise wouldn't cost me a ton of money.

You need to ask an attorney this stuff. It won't be pretty and the details necessary to use the process will hurt. But it's not a permanent hurt and you cannot fail to come out of this a better person.

JMHO

WAT

WW came by today, unexpectedly. I'm not 100% sure of her motives, but she did give me some money. She also picked up a few of her things that were still here, such as a few movies and things. She also wanted to borrow some books from me. Eh. I'm not convinced that these were her only reasons for showing up, but I'm not going to waste my time over-analyzing things to figure out what else she may have wanted.

Oh well. She kept hugging me and telling me that she 'missed her friend.' I told her that I knew she did, and that I did miss her too, but this is how things had to be. She told me to 'stay out of trouble,' too... whatever that means. When I said the same to her, she just said that she's a 'good girl' now.

Ha. Good girl my [censored]. She goes in phases. She becomes a good girl and stays that way, then she gets bored and becomes a bad girl again. I know how she is. Also, since she's in good-girl phase again, it's only a matter of time before she starts to want to see me and be with me again, I bet. I won't accept it. I won't fall for it again.

I didn't allow myself to show any emotion toward her. I didn't act like I was happy to see her, nor did I act like I was sad to see her. I remained completely indifferent for the time that she was here.

It does really suck though, because I do really miss her.

RX,

Are you really in Plan B? Then have someone else at your place to supervise what she takes...not you.

Do not talk to her in any way...not by email, voicemail, letters, telegrams...do not be physically in her presence. Do not lay eyes on her, even from a distance.

Turn your eyes and ears inward...do the resentment timeline...say kind and loving words (all true) to yourself...do emotional assessments...how am I feeling? And write down those emotions throughout the day...like at four predetermined junctures.

Take walks, talk to friends (any wife talk is off limits)...family...draw, write, paint, tickle yourself...meditate, pray, stretch your body and breathe from your soul.

When you miss her, hug yourself...and put her out of your mind. Bless each thought and pass it through...each time you flash on an image of her, replace it with one of you...then say, "I love you." or "I am."

Each echo you hear in your house, send back with your own footfall, snap of your fingers or yodel. Yodelling is fun.

Smile in the mirror...keep a gratitude list on your fridge you read three times a day...things in yourself you appreciate, in your life, your work, your history...yours.

Not hers.

Stop contact.

Heal yourself by inches...do not measure them. Read every thread about DJs and get that it is in your BELIEF system...deeply...learn to let them go from your head, your heart and your soul...so you can experience true freedom.

Learn about grieving (sadness is HEALTHY), the stages, kick up your awareness and realize this is healing...not something to distract from.

You can do this. Respect yourself and your WW...you are enforcing a boundary, working on yourself...you're worth protecting, and so is your love for her.

You say it's gone...I don't believe it. You can choose not to believe it...because Plan B is about protection and progress...growing.

In your corner...

LA

X, are you in Plan A or Plan B...I can't tell by what you are posting? If you haven't sent your Plan B letter yet, you need to shorten it ALOT. It makes you sound needy and that is not attractive, instead shorten it and clearly state your boundaries as some have suggested. I can post my letter for you if you like...just let me know.

Plan B give control back to the BS so you write it so it give YOU control, not her.

You've received some very good advice hear from people who have been through it. Plan B is tough, but it will make you stronger and more attractive to either your WW or someone else. That is all part of the recovery process. Heal yourself first and then your mind will be insinc with your heart. You are not there yet my friend.

I'm not really in any 'Plan' yet. Never really had a chance for Plan A since she moved out so suddenly, and I haven't been able to finish my Plan B letter. The best I've done so far is an attempt to avoid contact with her.

In fact, when my roommate said she was here, I told him that I didn't want to talk to her, and asked him to tell her to leave. He, however, thinks the idea of total avoidance is childish and refused to do it. How can I follow through with Plan B if I can't find anyone to help me?

I need some advice on what to do. Should I even go into Plan B? Should I maybe start trying Plan A, since she seems to be getting her head on straight? Is she even WORTH it to me, now? Is there any way that I could ever feel safe with her? Is there any way that I could ever be guaranteed that it would never happen again?

I don't really like this feeling inside. The feeling that nothing is right. I've managed to keep things going and keep myself upright, but it's so very hard. I seriously don't feel as if I have any energy at all left most of the time.

Add to it the fact that one of my favorite pets is now missing, and it just seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

I've lost so much, this summer. My wife, my favorite job ever, now one of my favorite pets... I feel as if I've done something wrong and am being punished for it. As if everything is my fault and this is just some sort of karmic retribution/punishment by God/what-have-you. What could I possibly have done to deserve all this pain and misery? am I really that bad of a person?

How else could such a loving wife turn into such a terrible woman?

How else could I get the best job I've ever had, thinking it was going to last 3 years at the very least, only to have it go away after 8 months?

How else could I have allowed myself to let my pet out of my sight for even just a moment, so that he could get spooked and run away?

What is it that I did? How did I fail so miserably in my marriage, in my job, and with my pets.. my family? Why am I being forced to suffer in this way?

When will she have to suffer too?

I just feel like giving up. But I'm not allowed to. I have to go on. Sometimes, I don't want to go on. But, again, I don't have a choice in the matter. I have to go on.

Why is this happening? How much longer do I have to suffer? Why can't I just forget all of this drama and be happy again? Right now?